Telling/asking your partner for non-vanilla activities

[OnceFuturePoly]

Long, long time ago I had a new girlfriend in the next county over. We'd spend weekends together at one place or the other. One lazy Saturday afternoon the time was ripe for sex.

She asked me (this was just before we would have gotten physical, e.g. touching) what I thought about people being tied up during sex. It was in the 3rd party indefinite -- not "tie me up" or "tie you up".

I was game for any new sexual adventure, but totally inexperienced with bondage. I didn't understand anything about the psychology or how to make it work (not counting my experience with knots in boy scouts).

So I told her it sounded interesting. She asked if I wanted to tie her up, or be tied up. I was all for it -- I just wasn't confident about tying her -- so I copped out and told her to tie me up.

Wrong answer, for many reasons. She really want me to tie her. It was my first time being tied, and I didn't know how to enjoy it. She wasn't a good top. All we had were some men's ties I seen hanging in her closet, which weren't sufficient.

(I'd noticed, but didn't understand the BDSM implications. Instead, I wondered about previous men!)

I let her tie me up, and it didn't go well, and it didn't last long. Nothing really bad happened. There just wasn't any spark to the sex. It was like a role play that neither person could get into. Much later I realized that we had the roles reversed, but at the time, I would have been just as bad a top as I was a bottom.

A few weeks later we were in a museum and she pointed out a picture. In it, a woman was laying on her side, legs together drawn up to breasts, feet against pelvis. Various artistic bindings secured her; cloth strips, flower vines, strings, ribbons, lace, and if I remember right, there was something in her mouth.

Then it clicked that she wanted something like the picture done to her. That helped me some, but I still didn't know have any ideas about what to do after her I got her tied the way she liked.

We never talked about bondage. Our sex turned out very vanilla. She could have taught me a lot. Worst of all, we lived together for several years and she stepped out on my to get what she was missing.

(It was OK with me that she had other lovers. But when I learned what kind of sex she was having, I was upset because she didn't try and work with me, and we could have had fun together!)

What I know now that I wish I'd known then! If only the internet had been around to show me a few clips. Or if she chose one of the VHS tapes she would rent to show me how things could be done. Or if she'd told me stories about previous lovers.

Forgive the long story, but I hope my experience is revealing to you.

1. Decide what specific actions what you want from him.
2. Talk about it before the passion starts.
3. Assume in the discussion that you have no common background. Explain your terms.
4. Go over the specific elements that make it good for you.
5. Find things in different media to illustrate what you want, written stories, film clips, interviews (HBO Real Sex?). If you're in the BDSM community, you might find a demo for him to attend.
6. Find his comfort level. Help him get his limits to include your limits. Assure him he can do no wrong, you'll always love him no matter if he goes past your limit.
7. Help him script out what he should do, and the expected signs of success. If your mode is to scream, then he needs to know that you won't be screaming for him to stop.
8. Review safety like safe words, quick release, sub-space, after-care.
9. Pick a good time for the first time. Get rid of outside pressures like time and noise and interrupts (you don't want your neighbor to "rescue" you!) Prep before you start to avoid delay while he looks for a prop/implement/tool.
10. Evaluate together after you try. Something quick shortly afterward, then talk everything out the next day.
11. Successful or not, always give it second try, just to be sure.

 

[amofiga]

Good advice and sorry that your experiences with her didn't work out. It's always hard to tell a partner about your fetishes for fear of being judged by someone you care about. It's often easier to reveal those sorts of things with a "fuck buddy" or "friend with benefits" than someone you truly care about and worry about hurting or being hurt by negative feedback. Your list of things covers all of the mechanics about opening up to bondage desires and/or any other fetishes a partner in a relationship might have. However, the most important thing is to accept lovingly and with respect what a partner might tell you. Make the relationship safe and comfortable to be emotionally naked. Being physically naked is easy. Being emotionally naked is scary and it takes total non-judgemental trust and respect for the other. Sexual desires are at the very core of a person's being. Respecting them is so important. Unfortunately, many relationships suffer because that trust and acceptance isn't there.