Tell me your thoughts

[vickivale]

I am looking for some feedback on a story I am working on. Let me know what you think and if there is anything you deem missing to help it flow.

Thanks in advance.
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I resolved to take a nice saunter over to The Lil Italy Café and have a nice lunchtime feast. Whenever I needed to get away this was my place. There was just something about the ambiance in this little café that made me unwind. It was a peaceful and calming place.

As I set there glancing over the menu, I noticed they had some new dishes. I mulled over which one I would try. When the waiter approached me and asked if I would like to start with something to drink. Without lifting my head, I asked for some water with lemon. I heard the waiter acknowledge my drink order and said he would return with it shortly.

When the waiter returned, he placed my water along with Breadsticks and vinegar sauce in front of me.
“Are you ready to order ma’am or did you need a few more minutes.” He asked politely.
“What are your specials today?” I said looking up to meet his gaze.

“Today, we have three specials. The first is Risotto. This is traditional style rice covered with sherry wine sauce, crabmeat and mushrooms. The second is Cannelloni topped with crabmeat, mushroom and a light creamy sauce over spinach. Our final special is our Chef’s Specialty which consists of Lobster ravioli sautéed in crabmeat and shrimp in a brandy dill cream sauce. I must admit the latter is my personal favorite.” He removed his pen and pad from his apron and smiled awaiting my decision.

“They all sound so wonderful. I had observed a few new dishes on the menu, did the chef change recently.” I said thoughtfully. My mouth was already beginning to water from the choices.

“Yes Ma’am. The café has made some major changes and we were acquired by a new owner.”

“I see. Well, I will take your recommendation and order the Chef specialty.”

“Very good Ma’am and I might add a very wise decision. Would like anything to drink with that?”

“Well I better stay light I am still on the clock. I will just take a raspberry Iced Tea.”

“Sure thing, I will place your order and bring your Raspberry Iced Tea with your meal, unless you would prefer to have it now?”

“No, No, with the meal is fine.” I said quickly."

“Excellent, it will be a few minutes before your meal is ready.”

I picked up a savory bread stick and dipped it in the oil and vinegar sauce. I closed my eyes and let the flavors ravage my taste buds experiencing every stimulating morsel. I reveled in the delight as a moan escaped my lips.

“Well, I do love a woman who can appreciate good food.”

I opened my eyes to be met by the owner of this burly voice. The voice belonged to a tall, athletically built man of about his mid-forties, salt and pepper wavy hair seemed to be highlighted on the top to enhance his haircut, complimenting his rounded face features, which reminded me of George Clooney, with greenish hazel eyes, his tanned olive complexion seemed creamy smooth. His custom made classic black Armani single breasted suit fit in all the right places and absolutely complimented the his build. His crisp white shirt with a silk black tie demanded attention against his perfectly set jawline. He was beautifully flawless in an attractive way. He flashed his porcelain white smile as he examined me. I must have stared a bit longer than I should have because he continued to speak.

“Tesoro, did I catch you by surprise?” he spoke with a pure masculine tone that sent chills up my spine and caused my juices to flow slowly. His words penetrate the very core of me.

“I –I’m sorry what did you say?”

I mentioned how I love a woman that appreciates good food and when you did not respond I ask if I had surprised you?”

Um, no, well sort of.

I do apologize; just your reaction to the seasoning of the breadsticks was so appealing to me. Many women seem to shy away from food these days. It’s refreshing to see one take it all in.” he smiled.
“Thank you, I guess.” I said shyly.

“Believe me the pleasure is truly mine. What is such an attractive woman doing sitting alone?”
“Oh I am on my lunch break and needed to clear my head.”
“I see, however, if I may be so bold. I would love to sit with you and continue to get to know you. I am very intrigued by you, to say the least.”

I blushed. It had been a few years since a man had paid more than professional attention to me and I could see that my body was responding to his words. “Y-Yes”, I said almost whispering.

I saw him wave his hand to the waiter and slide the chair across from me so he could sit down. I felt myself release a breath. A breath that I had not realized I was holding.
~~*~~*~~*

 

[PennLady]

Vicki, I looked this over and was trying to decide what to say. You ask about "flow," but I'm not sure there's enough of a story here for flow to be an issues.

The following things did strike me:

* Your dialogue sounds a bit stilted b/c few contractions are used. Try a few more "I'm"s instead "I am" or "I'll" and things like that. That's how people talk. I know we're taught in formal writing not to use contractions, but you can lose a lot of those rules in fiction.

* I felt pummeled by all the details when the woman is talking to the waiter. I didn't need to know every move she made, or every thought she'd had. Nor did I need the actual description of the specials.

* Small point: I've never had a server ask if I wanted my drink with my meal, even if I already have water. They always bring that out, probably b/c it's faster and the customer feels like the server is doing something.

* For dialogue, punctuation should be: "Did the menu change recently?" I asked. If you make a statement, then you'd use a comma: "I see the menu has changed recently," I said. You have a period before the close quote and that's wrong.

* The sentence describing the man who approaches the narrator is too long. I'd break it up into two or three.

* Some of your descriptions are a little too vague. Like the cafe, don't tell me there's "just something." Tell me something concrete -- are the walls in muted colors? Is the lighting good? Is the music conducive to relaxing? Why is it peaceful and calming.

* When you describe the guy, you say he was "beautifully flawless in an attractive way." Could it be otherwise? There's too much "beautifully" and "perfectly" about him. I like a good-looking guy as much as the next person, but this guy's already on my nerves.

* I have to say, I thought her reaction to the breadsticks was a little overdone. I mean, she's been there before, a lot. She must know what they taste like, but just now, for no reason, she moans in delight?

The general scene is good, I just think you went a little overboard in establishing it. I think this is a time when "less is more" might help. I can't tell you what I think of the characters, as there isn't enough here; on the other hand, there was nothing wrong with them either.

 

[vickivale]

Thanks for taking the time to read and respond. All your comments are good and I will make sure that I tweak it before submitting it. Thanks so much for being so candid.

 

[SevenSquared]

I think your sentence structure is a little bit all over the place. Pennlady mentions that the sentence where you introduce the guy is too long, and this is true, but in other places you fire off streams of very short sentences.

As I set there glancing over the menu, I noticed they had some new dishes. I mulled over which one I would try. When the waiter approached me and asked if I would like to start with something to drink. Without lifting my head, I asked for some water with lemon. I heard the waiter acknowledge my drink order and said he would return with it shortly.

There is nothing wrong with any of these sentences in isolation. But all together it just feels like you are firing a lot of bit-sized pieces of story at me and there is no real flow. You could rewrite it something like:

I looked at the menu, noticing that there were several new dishes added since my last visit. As I mulled over my choice, the waiter approached to take my drink order. I asked for some water with lemon and the waiter acknowledged the order, saying he would return shortly.

Also, just a minor thing, why does every special on the menu have crabmeat in it? Even if this is a seafood restaurant, which is never specified, surely they would have more variety than this? Or is this pivotal to the story in some way?

 

[vickivale]

Thanks for some great pointers. I will take a look at it again and make some changed. I had not noticed that I had entered this story to be approved for the site so the full version is up but I am going to make some changes and resubmit the edited version based on what you have told me. I truly appreciate your suggestions and appreciate the time you took to review and comment.

 

[vickivale]

Oh and the crabmeat... I looked at a menu online and those where the specials on that menu. and I just typed them as they had it. No real thought behind it just knew I wanted three specials.