Tell me about your transition from monogamy to non-monogamy or straight to bisexuality as a married/partnered couple.

[Bayzapper10]

My wife and I have been married 20+ years, went from straight and monogamous in about year ten to non-monogamous/polyamorous for a couple years, to non-monogamous and both seeking bisexual relationships this year. I would like to hear other couple’s experiences who have a similar story, the lead up, what the point of ignition for your change was, how your spouse either lead, resisted, or joined you, and the positives or any negatives you can share.

I love stories that have the first-time theme, they are my all time favorite subject. We are set to have several first-time experiences in the very near future (MMF threesome including bisexual male sex, first-time blowjobs, multiple cocks, etc.), and I want to hear what others have experienced. The upside of “the first time” is the fantasy you go into it having, the downside is reality rarely equals expectations, not always bad, but that is the thrust of why I am asking to hear from those more on the other side of it.

As background to our story: We were very religious when we met, raised by religious parents, friends and family were to for the most part. The initial experience began with a “crises of faith”, and my wife having an affair with a good friend of hers/ours. That transitioned to a de facto polyamorous relationship for a couple years. Last year my wife had a resurgence of her libido, to put it mildly, and she has been exploring aspects of her sexuality in multiple forms, mostly virtual so far, and we are doing as much together as she is comfortable with. Early on she told me that her biggest fantasy was for us to “blow a guy together”. I had no bi-curiosity prior to that revelation, but began thinking about it, challenging my long held prejudices and phobias. Through her we became involved with a chat group of bi-curious men and women that have been so positive and supportive (shout out to “The Buds”!), and we are now both very comfortable and excited about the next step of making her fantasy come true.

 

[TonyF862]

Hey @Bayzapper10 - You sound like someone who shares similar interests - especially in hearing/learning about others' journeys.

I'll start with some context (that if you've seen any of my various posts might sound familiar), then what triggered our current journey into (light) swinging this past year. Needless to say, it has been a year I NEVER imagined would actually come true!

Fast facts:
Me: 61 yo, 5'10" 185 lbs; bald from the balls up; relatively good shape - work out 5 days a week. A bit on the larger size 7-8" cock that passes my belly button when I'm on my back. I always thought I was average, but (at the risk of sounding braggy) have been told throughout my life by both guys and girls that I have a "big cock"

Wife: 58 yo; 4'10"; 100 lbs soaking wet; former D cup now a C cup due to her heavy workout schedule; former gymnast is that still obvious when you look at her body; dark haired, Spanish heritage (with the sex drive to match);

I was a male whore in college - fuck anything/everything that I could get my cock in. It helped that I was very social and involved in a lot of extras (fraternity, Student govt, etc)

Wife dated the same guy so she had only had about 4-5 real fucks/lovers before me (she did titty fuck a random guy in a band backstage once!!)

We fucked the night we met in Apr '92. Have always had a good sex life and mutual attraction, save the stressful years of raising 3 kids (all grown now)

about 1 1/2 years ago (summer of '23) after a particularly hot fuck/play session, she casually said: "I'd love to see you suck a cock". Caught me TOTALLY by surprise. I'm not gay/bi. Had never discussed this or expressed any interest in it. BUT I instantly saw an opportunity that if I WERE to do this, that would mean she'd generally be open to a MFM threesome. We had never talked about anything outside of the two of us. But now, here it was!

And if a MFM threesome, how easy it would be to do a FMF or a MFMF? Would I suck a guy's cock in order to have other sexual adventures that I DO want to have? How do I feel about my wife fucking other guys? Would SHE eat a pussy (if I'm to suck a cock, it seems only fair, right?)

So I put my plan in place to start "studying" all I could on this journey.

And thusly began the year of swinging.

 

[Travler99921]

I was straight and monogamous until I was about 50. Then I developed gay sexual desires. I resisted them for several years, but I knew I would eventually have gay sex. So I came out to my wife about my desires. We had many discussions about our situation and learned a lot about our sexual needs and desires. She learned I wanted to suck cocks. I learned that often wanted cunnilingus to orgasm and not just as foreplay. When we did have intercourse she wanted to be on top. Our marital sex became much more passionate.

One day she told me I should try gay sex. It took about a month, but I finally had my first gay experience. I knew there would be more to come. She admitted the thought of me being with a man excited her.

In short my bisexuality brought us closer together. Our sexual and psychological intimacy. increased.

 

[TonyF862]

I was straight and monogamous until I was about 50. Then I developed gay sexual desires. I resisted them for several years, but I knew I would eventually have gay sex. So I came out to my wife about my desires. We had many discussions about our situation and learned a lot about our sexual needs and desires. She learned I wanted to suck cocks. I learned that often wanted cunnilingus to orgasm and not just as foreplay. When we did have intercourse she wanted to be on top. Our marital sex became much more passionate.

One day she told me I should try gay sex. It took about a month, but I finally had my first gay experience. I knew there would be more to come. She admitted the thought of me being with a man excited her.

In short my bisexuality brought us closer together. Our sexual and psychological intimacy. increased.

How long ago was that? Are you still non-monogomous? Has she taken other lovers?

 

[Britva415]

I went to (consensually) non-monogamous when my wife and I stopped having sex with each other.

 

[Bayzapper10]

I went to (consensually) non-monogamous when my wife and I stopped having sex with each other.

How old/how many years now? And your wife is not sexually active only you? For you, men? Women?

How did you start that conversation with your wife? So many I know here and on other sites want to, but won’t have that conversation.

 

[kathyisgr65]

For me it's a transition from monogamy to non monogamy..I used to try to live up to the expectations and teachings of my family and society that brainwashed me in to thinking that monogamous relationships are the choice I have without going to hell and I did..I was such a good gf and wife but after getting completely fucked by my x husband (Satan) I decided fuck that..I'm gonna be me and be happy... and that is letting my slut flag fly and have fun and enjoy life.. fuck those stupid boxes ppl try to stick me in..

 

[Britva415]

How old/how many years now? And your wife is not sexually active only you? For you, men? Women?

How did you start that conversation with your wife? So many I know here and on other sites want to, but won’t have that conversation.

We're over 50, sexless for 10-15 years, she's not sexually active. I'm bisexual

How the conversation started - well, in a way she started it by expressing empathy toward me never having any sex. We spent more than a year trying to find a compromise but she just wasn't willing to participate at a frequency which was satisfying, or, to do more than a very small number of very specific acts. It was one-sided and performative and after a while I just said she shouldn't bother because I can't get excited for it when she's not into it. There's not much that's unsexier than "duty sex."

However, there was a point where I said I wouldn't be in a sexless marriage forever. I didn't say it as a threat, and I didn't have to ever say that more than the one time. So after failing to find a compromise on sex between us which would work for both of us, I said I wanted to talk about seeing other people.

We're about a year and a half into this new kind of marriage agreement. I didn't have to repeat what the stakes were, for me. She understood.

So, maybe this is why people won't have that conversation: The stakes just aren't that high for them. So, they don't say anything about it because they aren't going to do anything about it.

Either that, or, their entire relationship has communication problems. For me, communication problems would be an even bigger reason to end it than sex problems.

I don't have a communication problem, and I'm fortunate to have a spouse who also doesn't have communication problems. She heard me and believed me when I said I wouldn't be celibate for the rest of my life. She didn't take it personally as some kind of an attack on her. She has the empathy to want me to be happy in this relationship.

I didn't ever make a threat or an ultimatum. I just expressed my stakes and made it about me and my needs, not about her and her needs. I definitely didn't at any point make it "her fault." That's toxic and one might as well just break up if one is going to be all blamey and fingerpointy. A relationship can't survive that. (Similarly, if this is how the other person behaves, it might as well be over. No?)

You really both have to want it to get better for whoever is suffering. And both people can suffer - it's the nature of compromise. This isn't perfect for either one of us, but, it's necessary since other options are far worse.

Her having sex she doesn't want to have? No.
Me having sex with someone who doesn't want it? No.
Me being celibate forever? No.
Me just cheating? No.
Splitting up? No.

These are the stakes. Someone who won't say so is someone who has lower stakes than these.

You say they want to, but clearly they don't want it that bad.

Either that or they're just paralyzed by the depression and can't bring themselves to dare, because the depression tells them that improvement is impossible so why take any risk.

No judgement - I've been there. Depression kills, and it has come close to killing me, so... Never again.

The stakes are what they are. Everyone chooses.

 

[cubbies4vrs]

For me it's a transition from monogamy to non monogamy..I used to try to live up to the expectations and teachings of my family and society that brainwashed me in to thinking that monogamous relationships are the choice I have without going to hell and I did..I was such a good gf and wife but after getting completely fucked by my x husband (Satan) I decided fuck that..I'm gonna be me and be happy... and that is letting my slut flag fly and have fun and enjoy life.. fuck those stupid boxes ppl try to stick me in..

If everyone involved is ok with it then hell yeah.

 

[Britva415]

So, there has been a really interesting, unexpected and FUN side effect of getting my sex outside my marriage.

Since having the freedom to see other people basically means I also have the freedom to do sex differently, I fairly recently came to realize that I can pursue kinky interests.

Things I would never have considered asking my spouse to try - because I was virtually sure she wouldn't be into them - are things I'm free to pursue with new friends.

I'm kind of throwing myself into this. Now, it's almost like I don't even want to see someone if the kinks I want to express aren't on the table. And since it's a green field, I can put them on the table from the very beginning, and find someone who's on the same page.

My wife has been as surprised at this as I have been, but, it's kind of not her business other than being confident that I'm safe. So we talk about it to some extent - she doesn't want to know personal or intimate details, just nuts-and-bolts pragmatic stuff.

 

[Bayzapper10]

Her having sex she doesn't want to have? No.
Me having sex with someone who doesn't want it? No.
Me being celibate forever? No.
Me just cheating? No.
Splitting up? No.

This might be one of the most cogent and concise responses I have ever seen. I really love how you put this. I do wish that more people could distill their desires into what you wrote, I believe the benefits to a couple’s relationship, male or female, could be vastly improved.

… their entire relationship has communication problems. For me, communication problems would be an even bigger reason to end it than sex problems.

I don't have a communication problem, and I'm fortunate to have a spouse who also doesn't have communication problems. (They) heard me and believed me when I said I wouldn't be celibate for the rest of my life. (They) didn't take it personally as some kind of an attack … want(s) me to be happy in this relationship.

OMG you hit the nail squarely on the head! My wife and I spent a couple of years working on our communication skills and learned how to engage on difficult topics, resolving areas of broken trust, and being radically honest with each other in the last few years. That has been the essential element of our relationship success, and how we reached the beautiful place we’ve found ourselves in. We have joked about quitting our jobs and going on the road to try and change people’s lives talking about how important communication skills are.

they're just paralyzed by the depression and can't bring themselves to dare, because the depression tells them that improvement is impossible so why take any risk.

This.
Even today I had a PM with someone that is unhappy in their relationship, won’t have “the conversation” probably because their spouse is depressed, and told me “It’s just easier to hide it (from them) and masturbate”, like really? WTF???

 

[Britva415]

It’s just easier to hide it (from them) and masturbate

That’s their stakes. They’re prioritizing “easy” over “real.”

I notice they didn’t say it’s “kinder,” so, these stakes are purely selfish (I mean that in a matter-of-fact way, not a judgmental way.)

It’s possible that they meant “easier for the spouse”, but that isn’t what it sounded like. Especially since they’re talking about being unhappy.

But if they did mean it that way, well, that’s a prioritization choice as well. It’s tough to have nothing but hard choices. In a situation like that, one can choose to stay the same, or one can risk asking for a change. Both are scary. One of them is guaranteed to keep one unhappy forever. One has the potential to cause unhappiness short term. But it also has the potential to resolve the original unhappiness - maybe in the best way possible.

My own opinion is that hiding stuff from the spouse does no one any favors. If I can’t trust them to hear me, what are we even doing together.

 

[Britva415]

Also, the depression I was talking about is the depression which keeps one from taking action, not someone else’s depression. Though it’s awfully easy to say the other person can’t handle the conversation when one really doesn’t want to handle it theirself.

 

[magicalmoments]

My favourite type of thread. Reading about how couples moved from straight monogamous to, for want of a better word, swinger.
I've told our story before but to summarise. We were high school sweethearts. We enjoyed sex together, we both had high libidos and were adventurous with each other. But we never talked seriously about our fantasies and desires. Kids, work, mortgage started to rule our lives. Sex became more and more infrequent and boring. One day I discovered a swingers contact magazine. I bought it, took it home, it was a bit like a penthouse forum, articles about sex, wife swapping, etc etc, readers letters sharing there adventures and lots and lots of personal adverts from people, couples looking for others to connect for sex. I showed it to my wife, got the negative reaction I expected but that magazine was a turning point. Over the next few months we started talking about fantasies, role playing and our sex life took off. After about a year it was her who wrote and posted off a personal adverts in the magazine. We never looked back the next 20 years were a lot of fun, many magical moments.

 

[SPARTAN047]

I haven't quite dived into polyamory.

I'm curious. I've fooled around with other couples a few times and watched them. Some wanted me as a regular lover, I think most wanted a one-off or we never met again. But I don't think I could easily share a proper sex partner or spouse.

Its exciting to be wanted by more than one person and be shared. It can be exciting to share someone you don't have too many feelings for and watch them being pleasured in front of you like you want others to watch you being pleasured. But it's very difficult for most people when you're truly in love with a person.

 

[GoodnessO]

This might be one of the most cogent and concise responses I have ever seen. I really love how you put this. I do wish that more people could distill their desires into what you wrote, I believe the benefits to a couple’s relationship, male or female, could be vastly improved.

OMG you hit the nail squarely on the head! My wife and I spent a couple of years working on our communication skills and learned how to engage on difficult topics, resolving areas of broken trust, and being radically honest with each other in the last few years. That has been the essential element of our relationship success, and how we reached the beautiful place we’ve found ourselves in. We have joked about quitting our jobs and going on the road to try and change people’s lives talking about how important communication skills are.


This.
Even today I had a PM with someone that is unhappy in their relationship, won’t have “the conversation” probably because their spouse is depressed, and told me “It’s just easier to hide it (from them) and masturbate”, like really? WTF???

I've met (on Lit) more than 1 man in a sexless, difficult & unhappy marriage. I've encouraged them to take a step back & consider their path. Get solo counseling, if that might help, but if it can't be fixed, its not worth staying for. They're just making each other miserable. In a case like this, what do you have to lose in suggesting an open marriage?

 

[Bayzapper10]

I've met (on Lit) more than 1 man in a sexless, difficult & unhappy marriage. I've encouraged them to take a step back & consider their path. Get solo counseling, if that might help, but if it can't be fixed, its not worth staying for. They're just making each other miserable. In a case like this, what do you have to lose in suggesting an open marriage?

Nothing. Only the fear of making yourself vulnerable and saying the words: neither of us is happy, can we work together towards making things better? If the answer is no, then you KNOW there is only one course of action, moving on. Too many are paralyzed by the reality of change. But … if the answer is “yes”? Now there is more vulnerability and risk, again- something most won’t entertain, so most just choose to endure.

Sad but true.

 

[LookN2Talk]

This might be one of the most cogent and concise responses I have ever seen. I really love how you put this. I do wish that more people could distill their desires into what you wrote, I believe the benefits to a couple’s relationship, male or female, could be vastly improved.

OMG you hit the nail squarely on the head! My wife and I spent a couple of years working on our communication skills and learned how to engage on difficult topics, resolving areas of broken trust, and being radically honest with each other in the last few years. That has been the essential element of our relationship success, and how we reached the beautiful place we’ve found ourselves in. We have joked about quitting our jobs and going on the road to try and change people’s lives talking about how important communication skills are.


This.
Even today I had a PM with someone that is unhappy in their relationship, won’t have “the conversation” probably because their spouse is depressed, and told me “It’s just easier to hide it (from them) and masturbate”, like really? WTF???

yes you both totally nailed

That’s their stakes. They’re prioritizing “easy” over “real.”

I notice they didn’t say it’s “kinder,” so, these stakes are purely selfish (I mean that in a matter-of-fact way, not a judgmental way.)

It’s possible that they meant “easier for the spouse”, but that isn’t what it sounded like. Especially since they’re talking about being unhappy.

But if they did mean it that way, well, that’s a prioritization choice as well. It’s tough to have nothing but hard choices. In a situation like that, one can choose to stay the same, or one can risk asking for a change. Both are scary. One of them is guaranteed to keep one unhappy forever. One has the potential to cause unhappiness short term. But it also has the potential to resolve the original unhappiness - maybe in the best way possible.

My own opinion is that hiding stuff from the spouse does no one any favors. If I can’t trust them to hear me, what are we even doing together.

Ditto

I haven't quite dived into polyamory.

I'm curious. I've fooled around with other couples a few times and watched them. Some wanted me as a regular lover, I think most wanted a one-off or we never met again. But I don't think I could easily share a proper sex partner or spouse.

Its exciting to be wanted by more than one person and be shared. It can be exciting to share someone you don't have too many feelings for and watch them being pleasured in front of you like you want others to watch you being pleasured. But it's very difficult for most people when you're truly in love with a person.

Yes it is. We got to that point and I had to say the words, "I did not marry to be celibate." Then went over what I thought were our options asking her to choose. She chose the best, snap out of her funk and find a way to make it work. Still took time but since she knew what the other options were that I was considering, she was motivated to apply herself better. As you stated, it was hard to go there with her. I love my wife dearly but enough is enough and 2 years plus of little loving was all I could take. I am so thankful we had the hard talk.

I've met (on Lit) more than 1 man in a sexless, difficult & unhappy marriage. I've encouraged them to take a step back & consider their path. Get solo counseling, if that might help, but if it can't be fixed, its not worth staying for. They're just making each other miserable. In a case like this, what do you have to lose in suggesting an open marriage?

I agree, even if its not the best thing it is better than the alternative. I see many men who cheat instead of talk to their wives. I'd rather say, "Honey, we can have sex regularly or I am finding someone who will. We can stay married, you are my best friend, and we can be the best of roommates but I need a sex partner." Of course I only went there after many other traditional attempts. I'd rather stay and do what needs to be done and keep my best friend/roommate.

Nothing. Only the fear of making yourself vulnerable and saying the words: neither of us is happy, can we work together towards making things better? If the answer is no, then you KNOW there is only one course of action, moving on. Too many are paralyzed by the reality of change. But … if the answer is “yes”? Now there is more vulnerability and risk, again- something most won’t entertain, so most just choose to endure.

Sad but true.

Enduring, so tough. I see so much bitterness in those who do. It is a very rare person who can endure without it. I do not believe it is worth it. I never want to be bitter or resentful with my compadre. And you are correct, it is very very sad.

My wife has some friends who have been in that paralyzed state. The husbands want sex, the wife no longer feels like it, she feels like a failure, he is resentful feeling unloved, then she does, and on goes the wheel of despair growing. THERE are so many options oh my goodness: sex talk, writing, audio, erotica, masturbation, exhibitionism, toys, vibes (yes an area few of them have tried), sex dolls, machines, of course RP, scenarios, so many more and those are just the monogamous ones.

Great Thread!

 

[GoodnessO]

I bought up the subject during pillow talk, after sex with my husband. Mind you, not comprehensive sex, but sex for us, such as it was/is. And for further contex, this was after we'd gone through a period of sexless years, which I eventually took the bull by the horns to address. I learned the reason my husband lost interest was because he had developed ED.
Sooo, back to the pillow talk scene, out of the blue, I asked my husband, "How would you feel if I fucked another man?" Uh huh, I'm a pretty blunt person... & my long-term loving husband is accustomed to, & accepting of that. My husband's reply, "You're gonna do what you're gonna do." Hmmm, he knows me so well.
All my life, I felt I was monogamous, & mostly I was.... I was entirely monogamous with each of 2 husbands, & a live-in lover.
I wanted to be with just 1 lover. And my current husband always trusted me. I'm a very straight forward & honest person. He never questioned where I went or with who. I always had some male friends & project buddies, but he was never jealous or concerned.
Then suddenly I wasn't feeling monogamous anymore, because I was sexually unsatisfied, & I realized, no matter how hard I tried, it wasn't going to change... but at least we did regain & improve our physical & emotional intimacy.
A few weeks went by, & my mind was on cheating. Not for a thrill that cheating may bring some people. And then I did, & I did again, & a 3rd time. At which point I was resolved that I needed to follow-up on this with my husband. I was very tempted to tell him about my cheating, but I didn't, & looks like I won't... not unless he asks.
Discussing with my husband about our sexlife.
Hubby: "I'm sorry, there's nothing more I can do for you."
Me: "You could grant me open marriage."
Hubby: doesn't respond.
Couple weeks later, I bring it up again.
Me: "You didn't respond when I suggested you grant me open marriage."
Hubby: "I thought I did. And I that you would. And that I said it was ok."
Me: "No, you definitely did not tell me that. But you're telling me that now? You're ok with me dating, having extramarital sex, sleeping around?
Hubby: "Well, yes... if that's what you need to do."

 

[LookN2Talk]

I am not sure I am happy or glad for the two of you. He sounds so apathetic. I hate that for the two of you. And I completely get what has to happen has to happen. Still, seems so sad and also has the air of openness and awwww, he knows, he's okay. I guess some people (him) are okay with being in such a state. Good for you that all is well sexually. It's a crazy world with so many variations of people, it certainly keeps things interesting. I always wish I could get into the minds of people like your husband. See or hear what is going on in there.

 

[GoodnessO]

I am not sure I am happy or glad for the two of you. He sounds so apathetic. I hate that for the two of you. And I completely get what has to happen has to happen. Still, seems so sad and also has the air of openness and awwww, he knows, he's okay. I guess some people (him) are okay with being in such a state. Good for you that all is well sexually.

I assure you, I'm a wonderful wife. And honestly, his libido never matched mine. After he granted me open marriage, I think he felt relieved... or for whatever reason, he was noticeably more happy. We need to be open with each other. He loves me dearly, & he wants me to be satisfied & happy. And I estimate he received about 90 bjs over the past 6 months.

 

[SPARTAN047]

Yes it is. We got to that point and I had to say the words, "I did not marry to be celibate." Then went over what I thought were our options asking her to choose. She chose the best, snap out of her funk and find a way to make it work. Still took time but since she knew what the other options were that I was considering, she was motivated to apply herself better. As you stated, it was hard to go there with her. I love my wife dearly but enough is enough and 2 years plus of little loving was all I could take. I am so thankful we had the hard talk.

At least you were honest. You knew what you wanted.

Men wanting sex is a problem and women wanting it is empowerment.

 

[Britva415]

Nothing. Only the fear of making yourself vulnerable and saying the words: neither of us is happy, can we work together towards making things better? If the answer is no, then you KNOW there is only one course of action, moving on. Too many are paralyzed by the reality of change. But … if the answer is “yes”? Now there is more vulnerability and risk, again- something most won’t entertain, so most just choose to endure.

Sad but true.

You're completely right

People can't bring themselves to get vulnerable.

In my case, daring to ask for what will make this marriage work for me has paid off handsomely.

It works because we do love each other and don't want to break up and don't blame each other for the sexlessness.

We trust each other to hear/witness each other, we trust each other to speak up about our needs.

This is what it takes. So if a couple doesn't have this, and someone doesn't dare to ask for an extramarital pass, and they don't dare to ask for a split-up, then... I guess they're prioritizing their defense mechanisms over any chance of change for the better.

Either that or they're convinced that the risk of material/financial losses in a divorce outweigh the certainty of nothing changing.

Those are both understandable.

 

[Britva415]

the reason my husband lost interest was because he had developed ED

Like... untreatable ED?

ED doesn't make people lose interest in sex. If it did, there wouldn't be any market for ED treatments.

 

[Britva415]

I'd rather say, "Honey, we can have sex regularly or I am finding someone who will. We can stay married, you are my best friend, and we can be the best of roommates but I need a sex partner." Of course I only went there after many other traditional attempts.

We attempted this, and it didn't work. I couldn't enjoy the one-sided, empty "sex," so I finally told her I wasn't even going to do it with her anymore. (This did not upset her, go figure)

It took almost another year before she finally recognized that open marriage was the way. I didn't twist her arm into it, she figured it out for herself.

And it was just in time. She didn't know it, but I was this close to calling lawyers when she said she had reconsidered saying "no" to that.