Tell a Joke

[fraankhardy]

Veterinarian’s affairs

The man sat at the bar looking morosely into his pint of beer.

No matter how hard he tried to ignore it, a little voice inside his head kept on and on at him, "How could you Bob, how could you sleep with one of your patients!"

Time went by, and a few more pints disappeared down his throat until he began to feel a little better - even the voice inside his head began to mellow.

"OK Bob, I suppose you're not the first person to sleep with one of their patients and no matter what they say, you're still the best vet in the district."

 

[fraankhardy]

The Honeymoon Prank!

The wedding date was set and the groom's 3 friends, who were a Carpenter, an Electrician and a Dentist were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.

The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would be fun. The electrician decided to wire the bed - with current, of course.

The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but promised it would be memorable. The wedding went as planned and a few days later, each of the Grooms buddies received the following note:

Dear Friends,
We didn't mind the bed slats being sawed. The electric shock was only a minor setback. But I swear by God Almighty, I'm going to kill whoever put Local Anesthesia in the Condom!

 

[fraankhardy]

God's Message!!!

Every year A guy entered the state lottery hoping to win. He never did.

Finally he prayed vigorously, hoping for God's message, he walked around the fair. A flash of lightning struck as he was passing Suzie's stall.

She was bending and he saw she was not wearing panties. He could see 7 written on both of her bums.

He bet on 77 as he thought God had given him a clue. He lost again...

The winning number was 707!

 

[fraankhardy]

Private Property!!!

A golfer hits his ball into a yard next to the golf course.

As he goes to get it a man in the yard says, "Don't you see the sign? It says, 'Private property - Stay Out!'"

The golfer says, "I'm sorry I did not see it. That is my ball there. May I have it, please?"

The man says, "It's in my yard and so it's my ball now."

The golfer looks at the man and says, "I understand!"

He then walks back to the golf cart, gets another golf ball, then walks back and throws it into the yard.

The man says, "What is that for?"

The golfer replies, "I consider myself a Gentleman, and I believe every Dick should have two balls."

 

[fraankhardy]

Eating Bananas!!!

14 year old girl realized growing hair between her legs. Got worried and yelled Mom about hair.

Mom calmly said, "That part where hair has grown is called a monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair."

Next morning at breakfast she told her elder sister, "My monkey has grown hair."

Her elder sister smiled and said, "That's nothing, mine started eating bananas."

 

[fraankhardy]

Low Cut Dress!

A blonde with big knockers always bought dresses that showed off her cleavage. Trying on a particularly low-cut dress she checks with the assistant if she thinks it's too low.

"Do you have hair on your chest?" the assistant asks.

"Of course not!" replies the blonde.

"Then this dress is far too low"

 

[fraankhardy]

Hooker Wife

Jones and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll become a hooker.

She's not quite sure what to do, so Jones says, 'Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner.'

She's out there five minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, 'How much?'

She says, 'A hundred dollars'.

He says, 'Sh*t. All I've got is thirty'.

She says, 'Hold on.'

She runs back to Jones and says, 'What can he get for thirty dollars?'

Jones says, 'A hand job'.

She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a hand job.

He says, 'Okay'.

She gets in the car; he unzips his pants and out pops a simply HUGE male unit. She stares at it for a minute, and then says, 'I'll be right back.'

She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, 'Jones, can you lend this guy seventy bucks?'

 

[fraankhardy]

Fondling in Bed

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the woman felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.

He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?"

"I found the remote," he mumbled.

 

[fraankhardy]

Golf course or Intercourse ?

There were three friends that always wanted to play golf every Saturday afternoon, but couldn't because of their wives objections.

So one day after many years they finally got together on the golf course and were waiting at the first tee when one guy said, "I had to buy my wife a diamond necklace to get to play today!!!"

The second said, "That`s nothing I had to buy MY wife a new sports car to get out here today!!!"

The third said, "Boy you guys are a couple of wimps; I didn't have to buy my wife anything!!!"

They both looked at him and asked how he managed that!

The smartest of the three said, "It was easy, when I got up this morning I looked her straight in the eye and asked, "Golf course or Intercourse?"

She threw me a sweater and said, "Take this; it might get chilly out there!"

 

[fraankhardy]

Huge Erection

At the funeral home, the undertaker is trying to get Paul in his casket ready for viewing later that evening.

After having tried to no avail to close the cover, he phones Paul's wife to find out what she would like him to do.

He tells her that Paul has an erection that makes it impossible to close the cover.

She tells him to cut off his penis and shove it up his ass, that way he will still be buried with all his body parts and no one will be aware of the problem.

That evening as she stands in front of the casket looking down at her dear Paul, she notices a tear rolling down his cheek.

She bends down and says, "Now you believe me Paul. All those times I used to tell you I did not like it that way because it was so painful."

 

[fraankhardy]

Retired Husband

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris , are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OHNO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'

One of the clerks passed out.

 

[fraankhardy]

50 Year Old Nightie

A husband and wife were celebrating their 50th anniversary.

That night the wife approached her husband wearing the exact same sexy negligee she had worn on their wedding night.

She looked at her husband and said, "Honey, do you remember this?"

He looked up at her and said, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."

She said, "That's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"

He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I still remember."

"Well, what was it?" she asked.

He responded, "As I remember, I said, 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big boobs and screw your brains out.'"

She giggled and said, "Yes honey, that's exactly what you said. So, now 50 years later, and I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?"

Again he looked up at her, and he replied, "Mission accomplished."

 

[fraankhardy]

Pay Raise ?

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well, Senora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze. The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."

Wife: "Oh yeah?"

Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria: "Jor hozban did."

Wife increasingly agitated, "Oh he did did he???"

Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.

"And did my husband say that as well?"

Maria: "No Senora......., The gardener did."

Wife: "So how much do you want?"

 

[fraankhardy]

New Rifle Scope

Shooter goes to Rifle shop to buy a new scope.

Manager takes out one and says, "This scope is so good, you can see my house up on that hill."

Shooter looks through the scope and laughs, "I see a naked man and woman in the house."

Manager looks in the scope and gives 2 bullets to him, "I'll give u this scope free, if you shoot my wife's head off and the guy's dick off."

Shooter looks again in the scope and says, "Well, it seems like I can do that with just one shot!"

 

[fraankhardy]

The Black Condom

A 'just married' White couple decided to make love on their wedding night in the hotel.

The wife did not want to get pregnant yet and requested the husband to buy condoms from the shop nearby.

When the husband went out, the wife waited anxiously in the room with all the lights switched off.

The husband had a hard time finding a shop that sold condoms and when he finally found one, he realized that he had only one 20 cents coin.

He asks the shop owner to sell him one condom and the shop owner asked him which quality he wanted.

'The white condom, lowest quality, is 15 cents each. The black condom, average quality, is 20 cents each. And the purple condom, highest quality, is 25 cents each.' So the husband took the black condom as he had only 20 cents.

While the husband was out, a Black thief came into the room. The wife did not notice and thought that it was her husband. She grabbed the thief and happily started screwing.

The wife was so exhausted that she fell asleep immediately. When the husband reached the hotel, he found his wife sleeping.

Without a warning, he jumped onto her and started screwing her vigorously. The wife was surprised that the husband was so energetic and she thoroughly enjoyed the session.

Nine months later, the wife gave birth to a Black baby boy.

When the boy grew up, he asked the father, 'Papa, why am I Black and you are White?'

The father shouted, 'You are damn lucky, if I had 5 cents more and you would have been PURPLE!'

 

[Scrawney]

My mate dai daps just told me that he robbed a shop last night.
"What did you get?" I asked

"26 pictures" he smiled, showing me. "The cheapest one is valued at £180,000"

"£180,000??" I said looking at the pictures. "You fecking idiot, these are from an estate agents!!"

You gotta love bad jokes!!

 

[fraankhardy]

Suspicious Wife

A wife suspected that her husband was having an affair with the housemaid.

She thought of a plan to take him by surprise.

One Friday she told the maid to take the day off and that night she went into the maid's room, switched off all the lights and, in pitch darkness, slipped into the bed.

Sure enough at midnight, there were footsteps and a figure opened the door and slipped into the maid's bed beside her.

After a few passionate kisses, the wife suddenly switched on the lights and asked, "Surprised?"

"I sure am, ma'am!" stammered the chauffeur.

 

[fraankhardy]

Election Talk

A husband and wife are campaigning for a friend who is contesting the local elections. They both become so busy that they do not think of anything else but about the elections, so much so, that they communicate about everything in political language.

One night the husband wants to have sex desperately, but seeing the wife busy doing some work, goes to her and says, "I would like to put my candidate in your legislature."

The wife, not realizing this was meant for something else, without raising her head says, "Our party is not going to accept this."

The husband is disappointed but he goes to sleep.

After some time the wife realizes what the husband meant, so she wakes him up and tells him, "Darling, now you can put your candidate in my legislature."

The husband replied, "Sorry, I cannot do that. My candidate stood independent and lost his deposit!"

 

[fraankhardy]

Raising The Dead!

This elderly couple is watching one of those television preachers on TV one night.

The preacher faces the camera, and announces, "My friends, I'd like to share my healing powers with everyone watching this program. Place one hand on top of your TV and the other hand on the part of your body which ails you and I will heal you."

The old woman has been having terrible stomach problems, so she places one hand on the television, and her other hand on her stomach. Meanwhile, her husband approaches the television, placing one hand on top of the TV and his other hand on his groin.

With a frown his wife says, "Ernest, he's talking about healing the sick, not raising the dead."

 

[fraankhardy]

She's not my wife...

Woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" The husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked. The headaches are all gone."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Damn! That was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife."

His funeral service will be held on Sunday.

 

[MayorMcT]

Did you hear the one about the dyslectic, agnostic insomniac who was up all night wondering whether there truly was a doG...?

 

[MayorMcT]

I heard this one two ways and I love them both:

Why are blond jokes so short?

So brunettes can understand them ... or ...

So men can remember them.

 

[fraankhardy]

It feels good

A man comes home from work one day and he says to his wife, "Honey, I got a new secretary. And imagine what happened! She's got a red and white bra. You know, these are the colors of my favorite football team. Anyway, it's not a big deal but it feels good."

The next day when they come home his wife asks, "How was your day?"

The man says, "Fantastic! It's not only her bra that is red and white but also her panties. You know it's not a big deal but it really feels good!"

The third day they meet at home after work and now the man asks his wife, "And what happened today in your office, honey?"

She says, "Oh, nothing special, sweetheart. I got a new boss today. His dick is two inches longer than yours. You know it's not a big deal but, hell, it feels good!"

 

[fraankhardy]

The Starter Pistol

Two guys are in a bar discussing their sex lives. One guy says to the other, "How's your sex life buddy?"

The other guy says, "Not too good. Every time me and the missus have sex, she loses interest halfway through. It's very frustrating."

The first guy says, "Yeah, I know what you mean. I used to have the same problem, but I found a cure. I hid a starter pistol under the bed. When she started to run out of steam, I simply fired the starter pistol. It gave her such a fright that she got all excited, and couldn't get enough. I wish I'd done it years ago."

The other guy says, "OK, I think I'll try that."

The next day they are back in the bar again. The first guy says, "How did you get on with the starter pistol?"

The other guy says, "Don't talk to me about starter pistols! Last night we were having a little 69. As usual, she lost interest half way through, so I fired the starter pistol, just like you said."

The first guy says, "So what happened?"

The other guy says, "She bit my cock, shit in my face, and a man came out of the closet with his hands up!"

 

[Hypoxia]

Did you hear the one about the dyslectic, agnostic insomniac who was up all night wondering whether there truly was a doG...?

No, but then there was the constipated mathematician who worked it out with a pencil.


OK, more material is needed here. I saw this on a bathroom wall in a Hollywood restaurant:

HERE I SIT
ON THE POOPER
GIVING BIRTH TO
A STATE TROOPER


On another wall of the same restroom was this message, and its response:

JESUS LIVES IN MY HEART!

Be careful; if He gets stuck in an artery, you'll die.