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LIT CAMS (200 Free Tokens)ADULT TOYSVOD MOVIES

Tell a Joke

If you are threatened with termination...

The Boss, to four of his employees: "I'm really sorry, but I'm going to have to let one of you go."

The Black employee replies: "You can't fire me, I'm a protected minority."

The Female employee replies: "You can't fire me, I'm a woman."

The Oldest employee replies: "Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast it'll make your head spin."

They all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male employee... The employee thinks for moment, then responds: "I think I might be gay...!"
 
Broken Fence At White House...

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.

One contractor is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Montana. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Montana contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. That's $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. That's $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys. How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how the Government Stimulus plan worked.
 
An old woman prospector shuffled into town leading a tired old mule.

The old woman headed straight for the only saloon to clear her parched throat.

She walked up and tied her old mule to the hitch rail. As she stood there, brushing some of the dust from her face and clothes,
a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old woman and laughed, saying, "Hey old woman, have you ever danced?"

The old woman looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance ... never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "well, you old bag, you're gonna dance now," and
started shooting at the old woman's feet.

The old woman prospector, not wanting to get her toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.
Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old woman turned to her pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old woman and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old woman's hands, as she quietly said, "son, have you ever licked a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "no ma'am... but... I've always wanted to."

There are a few lessons for us all here:

1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old women. They didn't get old by being stupid.
 
Wish I'd Said That!

Give a man a fish and you'll feed him for a day. Give him religion and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish.

~ Timothy Jones

*****

When the white missionaries came to Africa, they had the Bible and we had the land. They said, 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them, we had the Bible and they had the land.

~ Desmond Tutu

*****

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real, but the moon landing was faked.

~ David Letterman

*****

I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. God dammit! I'm a billionaire.

~ Howard Hughes

*****

After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.

~ Italian proverb

*****

Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.

~ Betsy Salkind

*****

The only reason that they say, 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.

~ Jean Kerr

*****

I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.

~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

*****

You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.

~ Jeff Foxworthy

*****

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.

~ Prince Philip

*****

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

~ Emo Philips.

*****

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.

~ Harrison Ford

*****

The best cure for sea sickness is to sit under a tree.

~ Spike Milligan

*****

Lawyers believe that a man is innocent until proven broke.

~ Robin Hall

*****

Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.

~ Jean Rostand.

*****

Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.

~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

*****

We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.

~ W.H. Auden

*****

In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.

~ Jonathan Katz

*****

If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.

~ Johnny Carson

*****

I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical.

~ Arthur C. Clarke

*****

Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.

~ Steve Martin

*****

Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.

~ Jimmy Durante

*****

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.

~ John Glenn

*****

If toast always lands butter-side down and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat?

~ Steven Wright

*****

America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.

~ Doug Hamwell

*****

The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.

~ George Roberts

*****

If God had intended us to fly, he would have made it easier to get to the airport.

~ Jonathan Winters

*****

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

~ Robert Benchley
 
Before Obama was elected President he went to see Bill and Hillary for some campaign advice, at their spacious home.

After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.

When he entered Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished to see that Clinton had a solid gold urinal! Wow!

That afternoon, Obama told his wife, Michelle, about the urinal. "Just think,' he said, 'when I am President, I too could have a gold urinal.

But I wouldn't have something so self-indulgent!"

Later, when Michelle had lunch with Hillary, she told Hillary how impressed Obama had been at his discovery of the fact that, in his private bathroom, . . . . . . Bill had a gold urinal.

That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled and said to Bill:

"I found out who pissed in your saxophone."
 
The ability to Make and Understand Puns Is the Highest Level of Language Development. Here are the ten first place winners in the International Pun Contest:

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. 'But why?' they asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!'

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to Spain; they named him 'Juan'. The other went to family in Egypt and was named 'Ahmal'. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to 'persuade' them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good!) 'super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis'.

10. And finally... there was the person who posted ten puns to, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
 
THIS WILL MAKE Y0U CHUCKLE !!

Commentary from Paul R. Beane on KFYO radio on 1/24/2013:


Good afternoon, I'm Paul R. Beane and I'm your right wing gun nut. You know me and fellow gun owners are responsible for all the carnage in our streets and our schools.

Never mind that Ted Kennedy's car has killed more people than my entire collection of firearms - most of which I have owned since childhood when I saved my pennies and
nickels in order to purchase them and each and everyone is in perfect working order.

It is the responsible gun owners of today that is being blamed for all the shootings.

Obama calls us the right wing gun nuts, clinging to our guns and to our religion.

But lets take a little closer look. The Fort Hood shooter, a Muslim, and a registered Democrat.

The Virginia Tech shooter, he wrote hate mail to George Bush and his staff and was
a registered Democrat.

Aurora Colorado shooter, he was a staff worker on the Obama campaign and took part in Occupy Wall Street. He was a progressive liberal and guess what? A registered Democrat.

The Newtown, Conn shooter hated Christians and was a registered Democrat.

The Columbine high school shooters were too young to vote, but both of their families were progressive liberals and registered Democrats.

And one more thing, not a single one of these killers were members of the National Rifle
Association.

So I have got it figured out how to make this country much safer; leave the guns alone and lock up all the Democrats.
 
A man went into the hospital for a few days and maked quite an impression on the nurses. Not only was he constantly flirting with them, but he had a rather small penis. But it wasn't just small, it was also tattooed with the word "Shorty." Despite his "shortcoming," the man was genuinely nice to all the nurses so they decided that one of them should go on a date with him once his was discharged. The day came and they drew straws, with the newest nurse on staff pulling the short straw.

The next morning after the date, the nurse came into work, her hair was a mess, and she had clearly not slept all night. The other nurses began to tease her and asked how her date with "Shorty" went.

"Oh sure," she said, "He had "Shorty" on his dick, when it was soft! But when he got hard, it said, "Shorty's Bar and Grill, Albuquerque New Mexico, Established 1928!"
 
BusyAfternoon said:
THIS WILL MAKE Y0U CHUCKLE !!
Commentary from Paul R. Beane on KFYO radio on 1/24/2013:
Good afternoon, I'm Paul R. Beane and I'm your right wing gun nut. You know me and fellow gun owners are responsible for all the carnage in our streets and our schools.
Never mind that Ted Kennedy's car has killed more people than my entire collection of firearms - most of which I have owned since childhood when I saved my pennies and
nickels in order to purchase them and each and everyone is in perfect working order.
It is the responsible gun owners of today that is being blamed for all the shootings.
Obama calls us the right wing gun nuts, clinging to our guns and to our religion.
But lets take a little closer look. The Fort Hood shooter, a Muslim, and a registered Democrat.
The Virginia Tech shooter, he wrote hate mail to George Bush and his staff and was a registered Democrat.
Aurora Colorado shooter, he was a staff worker on the Obama campaign and took part in Occupy Wall Street. He was a progressive liberal and guess what? A registered Democrat.
The Newtown, Conn shooter hated Christians and was a registered Democrat.
The Columbine high school shooters were too young to vote, but both of their families were progressive liberals and registered Democrats.
And one more thing, not a single one of these killers were members of the National Rifle Association.
So I have got it figured out how to make this country much safer; leave the guns alone and lock up all the Democrats.
Click to expand...


Refudiating the urban legend "all those shooters were Democrats! No really!"
 
I've seen many remarkable nature photographs over the years, but this one of a nesting Falcon is perhaps the most remarkable nature shot that I've ever seen. I think you'll enjoy it as much as I. Nature is truly breathtaking!!
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http://i.imgur.com/YW6Fufm.jpg
 
On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their
teacher.

The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a
basket of assorted fruit.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.
The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit…
She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed.

"No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne ?"

"No," said the little boy............."It's a puppy!"
 
Strange World War II Facts

You might enjoy this from Colonel D. G. Swinford, USMC, Ret., a history
buff. You would really have to dig deep to get this kind of ringside seat to
history:

1. The first German serviceman killed in WW II was killed by the
Japanese (China,1937). The first American serviceman killed was
killed by the Russians (Finland 1940); highest ranking American
killed was Lt. Gen. Lesley McNair, killed by the US Army Air Corps.
So much for allies.

2. The youngest US serviceman was12 year old: Calvin Graham, USN.
He was wounded and given a Dishonorable Discharge for lying about
his age. His benefits were later restored by act of Congress.

3. At the time of Pearl Harbor, the top US Navy command was called
CINCUS (pronounced 'sink us'); the shoulder patch of the US Army's
45th Infantry division was the Swastika, and Hitler's private train
was named 'Amerika.' All three were soon changed for PR purposes.

4. More US servicemen died in the Air Corps than the Marine Corps.
[Actually the 8th Air Force alone suffered about 5,000 more KIA than
the entire Marine Corps in WW2.] While completing the required 30
missions, an airman's chance of being killed was 71%.

5. Generally speaking, there was no such thing as an average fighter
pilot. You were either an ace or a target. For instance, Japanese Ace
Hiroyoshi Nishizawa shot down over 80 planes. He died while a
passenger on a cargo plane.

6. It was a common practice on fighter planes to load every 5th round
with a tracer round to aid in aiming. This was a mistake. Tracers had
different ballistics, so (at long range) if your tracers were hitting
the target, 80% of your rounds were missing. Worse yet, tracers
instantly told your enemy he was under fire and from which direction.
Worst of all was the practice of loading a string of tracers at the
end of the belt to tell you that you were out of ammo. This was
definitely not something you wanted to tell the enemy. Units that
stopped using tracers saw their success rate nearly double and their
loss rate go down.

Here's some things related to WWIII - Tips of the Trade

7. When allied armies reached the Rhine, the first thing men did was
pee in it. This was pretty universal from the lowest private to Winston
Churchill (who made a big show of it) and Gen. Patton (who had
himself photographed in the act).

8. German ME-264 bombers were capable of bombing New York City,
but they decided it wasn't worth the effort.

9. German submarine U-1206 was sunk by a malfunctioning toilet.

10. Among the first 'Germans' captured at Normandy were several
Koreans. They had been forced to fight for the Japanese Army until
they were captured by the Russians and forced to fight for the Russian
Army until they were captured by the Germans and forced to fight for
the German Army until they were captured by the US Army.

11. Following a massive naval bombardment, 35,000 United States
and Canadian troops stormed ashore at Kiska, in the Aleutian Islands.
21 troops were killed in the assault on the island. It could have been
worse if there had been any Japanese on the island. Absolutely no
enemy soldiers or sailors were on the island.

12. The last Marine killed in WW2 was killed by a can of spam. He was
on the ground as a POW in Japan when rescue flights dropping food and
supplies came over, the package came apart in the air and a stray can
of spam hit him and killed him.
 
"IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER,YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM" WRITTEN BY A 21 YEAR OLD FEMALE

Wow, this girl has a great plan! Love the last thing she would do the best. This was written by a 21 yr old female who gets it. It's her future she's worried about and this is how she feels about the social welfare big government state that she's being forced to live in! These solutions are just common sense in her opinion. This was in the Waco Tribune Herald, Waco

PUT ME IN CHARGE . . .

Put me in charge of food stamps. I'd get rid of Lone Star cards; no cash for Ding Dongs or Ho Ho's, just money for 50-pound bags of rice and beans, blocks of cheese and all the powdered milk you can haul away. If you want steak and frozen pizza, then get a job.

Put me in charge of Medicaid. The first thing I'd do is to get women Norplant birth control implants or tubal ligations. Then, we'll test recipients for drugs, alcohol, and nicotine. If you want to reproduce or use drugs, alcohol, or smoke, then get a job.

Put me in charge of government housing. Ever live in a military barracks? You will maintain our property in a clean and good state of repair. Your “home" will be subject to inspections anytime and possessions will be inventoried. If you want a plasma TV or Xbox 360, then get a job and your own place.In addition, you will either present a check stub from a job each week or you will report to a "government" job. It may be cleaning the roadways of trash, painting and repairing public housing, whatever we find for you.

We will sell your 22 inch rims and low profile tires and your blasting stereo and speakers and put that money toward the "common good.

"Before you write that I've violated someone's rights, realize that all of the above is voluntary. If you want our money, accept our rules.

Before you say that this would be "demeaning" and ruin their "self-esteem," consider that it wasn't that long ago that taking someone else's money for doing absolutely nothing was demeaning and lowered self-esteem. If we are expected to pay for other people's mistakes we should at least attempt to make them learn from their bad choices.

The current system rewards them for continuing to make bad choices AND while you are on Gov't subsistence, you no longer can VOTE! Yes, that is correct. For you to vote would be a conflict of interest. You will voluntarily remove yourself from voting while you are receiving a Gov't welfare check. If you want to vote, then get a job.
 
Forever Love Between Abe and Esther...

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia
for a two-week vacation to
celebrate their 50th anniversary.

Suddenly, over the public address system,
the Captain announces,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm afraid I have
some very bad news...
Our engines have ceased functioning
and we will attempt an emergency landing.
Luckily, I see an uncharted island
below us and we should be able
to land on the beach.
However, the odds are that we may
never be rescued and will have to live
on the island for the rest of our lives!"

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew,
the plane lands safely on the island
and there are no injuries.

An hour later Abe turns to his wife
and asks, "Esther, did we pay our
VISA and MasterCard bills yet?"

"No, sweetheart," she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing,
then asks,
"Esther, did we pay our
American Express card yet?"

"Oh, no! I'm sorry.
I forgot to send the check,"
she says.

"One last thing Esther. Did you remember
to send the estimated earnings
check to the IRS this quarter?" he asks.

"Oh, forgive me, Abe," begged Esther.
"I didn't send that one, either."

Abe grabs her and gives her the
biggest kiss in 40 years.

Esther pulls away and asks him,
"What was that for?"

Abe answers, "They'll find us!"
 
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