Tell a Joke

[BusyAfternoon]

In Too Far:

A man and a woman were dating. She being of a religious nature had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted so bad. In fact, he had never even seen her naked. One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing." He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car. He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse. At 60 off came the pants. At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties. Now seeing her naked for the first time and traveling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the road over an embankment and wrapped the car around a tree. His girlfriend was thrown clear but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck. "Go up to the road and get help," he said. "But I haven't anything to cover myself with!" she replied. The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. "You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her. So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a police car. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, the officer pulled over to hear her story. "My boyfriend my boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!" The officer, looking down at the shoe between her legs replies, "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!

 

[BusyAfternoon]

As I've grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

 

[BusyAfternoon]

This is obviously dated, but still has great lines from a great entertainer. Bob Hope.


ON TURNING 70
'I still chase women, but only downhill'.

ON TURNING 80 'That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.'

ON TURNING 90 'You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.'

ON TURNING 100
'I don't feel old. In fact, I don't feel
anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.'

ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING
'I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them.'

ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR
'Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'.

ON GOLF
'Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees.'

ON PRESIDENTS
'I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six.'

ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER
'When I was born, the doctor said to my mother,
Congratulations, you have an eight pound ham.

ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL
'I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.'

ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY
'Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.'

ON HIS SIX BROTHERS
'That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom.'

ON HIS EARLY FAILURES
'I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the
stuff the audience threw at me.'

ON GOING TO HEAVEN
'I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.'

 

[BusyAfternoon]

He traded a beer for the dog!
And he got the better end of that deal!
Check out:
this very cool dog

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xdj67XknFrM&feature=player_embedded

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old
granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little
wistful. 'In ten years,' I said, 'you'll want
to be with your friends and you won't go
walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do
now. Carolyn shrugged. 'In ten years you'll be
too old to do all those things anyway.'

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Boots for sale:

There's the sad story of the poor motorcycle policeman who was in a terrible accident. When he came out from under the anesthesia, the doctor was leaning over him anxiously. "Son," he said, "I've got some good news and some bad news. "The bad news is that your were in a very serious accident, and I'm afraid we had to amputate both your feet just above the ankle." "Jesus," gasped the officer. "What's the good news?" "The fellow in the next bed over there would like to buy those nice shiny boots of yours."

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Prison Fly:
A prisoner at the Edmonton Maximum Security Prison, doing 40 to life, started training a large fly to do tricks. For years and years, day and night, for thousands of hours, he worked with the tiny insect. After 5 years he taught it to walk across a miniature high wire. Another 5 years passed and he taught it to ride a tiny one-wheel bike, balance on a pair of stilts and sing songs from PHANTOM OF THE OPERA. "When you and I get out of here," the jailbird said to the fly. "we're going to tour the night-spots and make a fortune." Finally the day arrived. With the fly safely tucked away in his pocket, (inside its matchbox home), the ex-con made his way to a local bar to celebrate and show off his new talented friend. Once seated at the bar, he brought out his trick fly and placed it on the bar counter. On cue, it started moon walking. "What about this fly, eh?" he pointed out to the bartender. In one swift motion, the bartender reached for his copy of the local newspaper, rolled it up and squished the fly with a mighty swipe. "Glad you saw it," muttered the bartender. "Blasted things are everywhere."

 

[BusyAfternoon]

HISTORY OF THE CAR RADIO


Seems like cars have always had radios, but they didn't. Here's the true story:

One evening, in 1929, two young men named William Lear and Elmer Wavering drove their girlfriends to a lookout point high above the Mississippi River town of Quincy, Illinois, to watch the sunset.

It was a romantic night to be sure, but one of the women observed that it would be even nicer if they could listen to music in the car.

Lear and Wavering liked the idea. Both men had tinkered with radios (Lear had served as a radio operator in the U.S. Navy during
World War I) and it wasn't long before they were taking apart a home radio and trying to get it to work in a car.

But it wasn't as easy as it sounds:
Automobiles have ignition switches, generators, spark plugs, and other electrical equipment that generate noisy static interference, making it nearly impossible to listen to the radio when the engine was running.

One by one, Lear and Wavering identified and eliminated each source of electrical interference. When they finally got their radio to work, they took it to a radio convention in Chicago. There they met Paul Galvin, owner of Galvin Manufacturing Corporation.

He made a product called a "battery eliminator" a device that allowed battery-powered radios to run on household AC current. But as more homes were wired for electricity more radio manufacturers made AC-powered radios. Galvin needed a new product to manufacture. When he met Lear and Wavering at the radio convention, he found it. He believed that mass-produced, affordable car radios had the potential to become a huge business.

Lear and Wavering set up shop in Galvin's factory, and when they perfected their first radio, they installed it in his Studebaker.

Then Galvin went to a local banker to apply for a loan. Thinking it might sweeten the deal, he had his men install a radio in the banker's
Packard.

Good idea, but it didn't work -- Half an hour after the installation, the banker's Packard caught on fire. (They didn't get the loan.)

Galvin didn't give up. He drove his Studebaker nearly 800 miles to Atlantic City to show off the radio at the 1930 Radio Manufacturers Association convention.

Too broke to afford a booth, he parked the car outside the convention hall and cranked up the radio so that passing conventioneers could hear it.

That idea worked -- He got enough orders to put the radio into production.


WHAT'S IN A NAME


That first production model was called the 5T71. Galvin decided he needed to
come up with something a little catchier. In those days many companies in the phonograph and radio
businesses used the suffix "ola" for their names - Radiola, Columbiola, and Victrola were three of the
biggest. Galvin decided to do the same thing, and since his radio was intended for use in a motor
vehicle, he decided to call it the Motorola. But even with the name change, the radio still had problems:

When Motorola went on sale in 1930, it cost about $110 uninstalled, at a time when you could buy a brand-new car for $650, and the country was sliding into the Great Depression.

(By that measure, a radio for a new car would cost about $3,000 today.)

In 1930 it took two men several days to put in a car radio --The dashboard had to be taken apart so that the receiver and a single speaker could be installed, and the ceiling had to be cut open to install the antenna.

These early radios ran on their own batteries, not on the car battery, so holes had to be cut into the floorboard to accommodate them.

The installation manual had eight complete diagrams and 28 pages of instructions.


Selling complicated car radios that cost 20 percent of the price of a brand-new car wouldn't have been easy in the best of times, let alone during the Great Depression --

Galvin lost money in 1930 and struggled for a couple of years after that.

But things picked up in 1933 when Ford began offering Motorola's pre-installed at the factory.

In 1934 they got another boost when Galvin struck a deal with B.F. Goodrich tire company to sell and install them in its chain of tire stores.

By then the price of the radio, installation included, had dropped to $55. The Motorola car radio was off and running.

(The name of the company would be officially changed from Galvin Manufacturing to "Motorola" in 1947.)

In the meantime,Galvin continued to develop new uses for car radios.

In 1936, the same year that it introduced push-button tuning, it also introduced the Motorola Police Cruiser, a standard car radio that was factory preset to a single frequency to pick up police broadcasts.

In 1940 he developed with the first handheld two-way radio -- The Handie-Talkie -- for the U. S. Army.

A lot of the communications technologies that we take for granted today were born in Motorola labs in the years that followed World War II.

In 1947 they came out with the first television to sell under $200.

In 1956 the company introduced the world's first pager;

in 1969 it supplied the radio and television equipment that was used to televise Neil Armstrong's first steps on the Moon.

In 1973 it invented the world's first handheld cellular phone.

Today Motorola is one of the largest cell phone manufacturer in the world --

And it all started with the car radio.


WHATEVER
HAPPENED TO

The two men who installed the first radio in Paul Galvin's car, Elmer Wavering and William Lear, ended up taking very different
paths in life.

Wavering stayed with Motorola. In the1950's he helped change the automobile experience again when he developed the first automotive
alternator, replacing inefficient and unreliable generators.

The invention lead to such luxuries as power windows, power seats, and,eventually, air-conditioning.

Lear also continued inventing. He holds more than 150 patents. Remember eight-track tape players? Lear invented that. But
what he's really famous for are his contributions to the field of aviation.

He invented radio direction finders for planes, aided in the invention of the autopilot, designed the first fully automatic aircraft landing system, and in 1963 introduced his most famous invention of all, the Lear Jet, the world's first mass-produced, affordable business jet. (Not bad for a guy who dropped out of school after the eighth grade.)

Sometimes it is fun to find out how some of the many things that we take for granted actually came into being!

and It all started with a suggestion!

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Working as a pediatric
nurse, I had the difficult assignment
of giving immunization shots to children.
One day, I entered the examining room to give
four-year-old Lizzie her needle. 'No, no, no!' she
screamed. 'Lizzie,' scolded her mother, 'that's
not polite behavior.' With that, the girl
yelled even louder, 'No, thank you! No, thank
you!

 

[chatman2]

chatman2

Go to www.snopes.com and click on Doctor's Orders for a funny one.

 

[BusyAfternoon]

White Collar Crime:

The stockbroker was nervous about being in prison because his cellmate looked like a real thug. "Don't worry," the gruff looking fellow said, "I'm in here for a white collar crime too." "Well, that's a relief." sighed the stockbroker. "I was sent to prison for fraud and insider trading." "Oh nothing fancy like that for me." grinned the convict. "I just killed a couple of priests."

 

[BusyAfternoon]

On the way back from a Cub
Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son,
'Dad, I know babies come from mommies' tummies, but
how do they get there in the first place?'

After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally
spoke up in disgust, 'You don't have to make
up something, Dad. It's okay if you don't
know the answer.'

 

[BusyAfternoon]

I MET MY NEW DOCTOR!

I went to the doctor's office the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female; drop-dead gorgeous!

I was embarrassed but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional - I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out."

I said, "my wife thinks my dick tastes funny."

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Marijuana and Twinkies

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-jJU3osQEDg8/UKjyy6fzfXI/AAAAAAAAJ4U/s3NqPL6Gfpk/s320/374514_4093330332896_1626947312_n.jpg

 

[BusyAfternoon]

They say money doesn't bring you happiness,,,

I say neither does being broke....

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Just before I
was deployed to Iraq , I sat my eight-year-old
son down and broke the news to him. 'I'm
going to be away for a long time,' I told
him. 'I'm going to Iraq.' 'Why?' he
asked. 'Don't you know there's a war going
on over there?'

 

[BusyAfternoon]

NSSA's robot "Curiosity", landed on Mars. Early pictures show no sign of ESPN, beer or porn.

This makes it very clear that men are not from Mars.

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Lazer guided rifle bullet? I could even hit the target.






http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LvbyAcYjzlc&feature=youtu.be

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Trevor's testicular adventure

Aussie humour at its best ...


http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=2kpjnGWPmj0

 

[BusyAfternoon]

I want one of those jobs where people ask, "Do you actually get paid for doing this?"

 

[BusyAfternoon]

It's funny when my girlfriend gives me the "silent treatment."

She thinks of it as punishment

 

[BusyAfternoon]

A blonde policewoman came home one day from work and found her husband in bed with another woman. She was so devastated that she grabbed he service revolver and put it up to her head threatening to commit suicide. Her husband in shock screams, "No! No! honey, please don't do it, I am so sorry!" Then the blonde cop says, "Shut up! You're next!"

 

[BusyAfternoon]

How the Hostess company is being divided up

You may have heard that Hostess Bakery plants shut down due to a workers' strike. But you may not have heard how It was split up. The State Department hired all the Twinkies; the Secret Service hired all the HoHos; the generals are sleeping with the Cupcakes; and....the voters sent all the Ding Dongs to the U. S. Congress.

 

[BusyAfternoon]

If your wife or girlfriend ever asks, "If I were to arrange a threesome for your birthday, which of my friends would you pick to join us?"

Never give two names.

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Emily Sue passed away and Earl called 911. The 911 operator told Earl that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Earl replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The 911 operator asked, "Can you spell that for me? There was a long pause and finally Earl said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up over there?"