Tell a Joke

[BusyAfternoon]

Cool Plunger:

Everyone Needs One Of These!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=h5qMbk5mL24

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Good News, Bad News: "I have good news and bad news," the defense lawyer says to his client." "What's the bad news?" The lawyer says, "Your blood matches the DNA found at the murder scene." "Dammit!" cries the client. "What's the good news?" "Well," the lawyer says, "Your cholesterol is down to 140."

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Check out big mistake by cop


http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=up0gl28IMvw

 

[BusyAfternoon]

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Grampa, what is a couple sex? The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question then she's old enough to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities that go along with it. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement. Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey? The little girl replied, "Well, Grandma says to tell you that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs.

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Misinterpretation

I was in a pub last Saturday night, drank quite a few, and noticed two very large women by the bar. They both had pretty strong accents, so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland ?"

One of them snapped back saying, "It's WALES , you friggin' idiot!"

So, I immediately apologized and said, "I'm sorry. Are you two
whales from Ireland ?"

That's pretty much the last thing I remember...

 

[BusyAfternoon]

LIVE EACH DAY AS IF IT WERE YOUR LAST AND LEARN AS IF YOU WOULD LIVE FOREVER


"Never squat while wearing your spurs"




Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash, was one of the

greatest political sages this country has ever known.

Enjoy the following:
1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.


2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.


3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman.

Neither works.


4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.


5. Always drink upstream from the herd.


6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.


7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it

and put it back into your pocket.


8. There are three kinds of men:

The ones that learn by reading.

The few who learn by observation.

The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence

and find out for themselves.


9. Good judgment comes from experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.


10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then

to make sure it's still there.


11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.


12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring.

He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.

The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.


ABOUT GROWING OLDER...

First ~Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying

about your age and start bragging about it.

Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers.

Not me; I want people to know 'why' I look this way.

I've traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved.

Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth,

think of Algebra.

Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging

is that it's such a nice change from being young.

Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Tenth ~ Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks,

it was called witchcraft.

Today it's called golf.

And, finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble,

you won't have anything to laugh at when you're old

 

[BusyAfternoon]

The Good Partner:

The patrolman had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet his partner of 20 years stood by his side every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for him to come nearer. As he sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. Every time I got brought up on departmental charges, you were there to support and cover me. The three times I got shot during those narcotics busts, you were there. When I got kicked off the force and lost my house, you were there for me. When my wife left me, you were still by my side. You know what? "What?" He gently asked, smiling as his heart began to fill with warmth. "I think you're fuckin' bad luck!!"

 

[tactful]

Commas, save Lives.

Let's eat Grandma. Let's eat, Grandma.

 

[BusyAfternoon]

No Charge:

Policeman: "I'm afraid that I'm going to have to lock you up for the night." Man: "What's the charge officer?" Policeman: "Oh, there's no charge. It's all part of the service.

 

[BusyAfternoon]

This is so funny... Too bad it's true.
--------------------------

Los Angeles masked thieves running out to a getaway car, only to be surrounded by cops who run right by them into the bank, allowing the thieves to escape!

(0:34) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dos1bm_tU_k&feature=player_embedded

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Guns & Sex:

There are three cops that go to the same bar after work every night. Two of the cops are veterans and one is a rookie. One night the rookie and one of the veterans are sitting around and the third one comes into the bar with the biggest shit-eating grin on his face. The other two cops ask him, "Why are you so happy?" He tells them, "Well last night I had the best sex in my life with my wife. I had my service revolver cocked and loaded under the pillow. When I was about to come, I fired a shot into the air. Her pussy got really tight and we both came at the same time." The next night, the other veteran comes into the bar with a shit-eating grin on his face and tells the other veteran, "Thanks for the advice. Last night I had the most incredible sex with my wife. I was doing her doggy style and when I was about to come, I fired my pistol. We both had a spontaneous orgasm. It was great." The next night, the two veterans see the rookie come into the bar, pissed as hell, kicking chairs as he makes his way over to them. The rookie says, "Well I took your advice! My wife and I were doing sixty-nine and I fired my gun! The bitch almost bit off my fucking dick and she shit in my face!*!*!"

 

[BusyAfternoon]

An old golf joke told in a visual...

(1:28) Scottish Golf Story

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_popout&v=TEo4pWRnztU

 

[BusyAfternoon]

When you can do this with a fork lift you know you're good.

http://biertijd.com/mediaplayer/?itemid=34305

 

[BusyAfternoon]

While these college kids have gone to extremes in how to get a Coke,
it's all clean, happy fun and shows that ingenuity is not dead in the US !


World's Most Awesome Coke Ad

American ingenuity at its finest!

Coke ad - Three minutes of pure entertainment!!! It’s cool……

You'll love this ... created by some Engineering Students. Outside
the box,

like a RubeGoldberg... if you're of a certain age to know who Rube
was.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KEBJmZL8G1E&feature=player_detailpage

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Crying her eyes out, the blonde approached the policeman and said that her dog, Fido, was lost. When he suggested that she put an ad in the paper, the blonde replied, "Well, I thought of that officer, but then I remembered that dear little Fido can't read."

 

[BusyAfternoon]

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-JMeTwkePKTM/T87tia1eqnI/AAAAAAAAADc/ng-7WXeD-TA/s320/dear-diary-you-will-never-guess-what-i-finally-cought-today.jpg

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Mother Nature:

A woman was driving down the highway about 75 miles an hour, when she noticed a motorcycle policeman following her. Instead of slowing down, she picked up speed. When she looked back again, their were two motorcycles following her. She shot up to 90 miles. The next time she looked around, there were three cops following her. Suddenly, she spotted a gas station looming ahead. She screeched to a stop and ran into the lady's room. Ten minutes later, she innocently walked out. The cops were standing their waiting for her. Without batting an eye, she said coyly, "I'll bet none of you thought I would make it."

 

[TonyClifton]

Three Short Jokes

Joke #1

Question: What is the name of the Chinese man that invented Table Tennis?
Answer: Ping Pong

Joke #2

A man is driving his car and entering the Interstate Highway.

He passes a guy dressed in athletic clothing running along at an amazing speed.

The man accellerates his car to merge with traffic and notices the guy is keeping up with him.

At sixty miles per hour the man looks in his rear view mirror and sees a cloud of dust in the median.

He takes the next off ramp and goes back to see what happened to the guy.

He sees him laying on the grass and stops to help.

The man asks the guy, "Hey buddy, what happened?"

The guy replies, "I just purchased these shoes at Walmart and one of them blew apart. Can you give me a ride there? I want to return them."

Joke #3

An American Indian Chief and his son are sitting next to a campfire talking.

Son says, "Dad, when my older brother was born, you named him Running Horse. When my sister was born, you named her White Dove. I like those names, but wonder where you came up with mine."

Chief replies, "Well, I name my children soon after I am told what sex they are. I look to the sky and across the plains for signs of wildlife then a name comes to my mind."

Son says, "That sounds good in theory I guess, but why did you give me the name that you did?"

Chief replies, "I was sitting around the campfire with your older brother and saw two dogs fucking."

Two Dogs Fucking says, "Dad, is there anyway that you would consider changing my name?"

http://up.xhamster.com/000/023/014/220_1000.jpg

Two Dogs Fucking

Heh, heh, heh, heh, heh, heh, heh, heh...

That's worse than Cornholio

"Are you threatening me?"

Heh, heh, heh, heh, heh...

 

[piccicatopolka]

How do you know you're really ugly? Dogs close their eyes when they're humping your leg.


Imagine if the Presidential race was actually a race to a finish line... We'd have a black president forever.


I'm sure both Justin and Selena already have new boyfriends.


Newtons third law of Emotion: For every male action, there is a female overreaction.

 

[TonyClifton]

http://up.xhamster.com/000/023/977/029_1000.jpg

I can't think of a joke right now.

Sorry.

 

[piccicatopolka]

http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/IT'S PAT!

 

[BusyAfternoon]

As I was nursing
my baby, my cousin's six-year-old
daughter, Krissy, came into the room.
Never having seen anyone breast feed
before, she was intrigued and full of all
kinds of questions about what I was doing.
After mulling over my answers, she remarked, 'My mom
has some of those, but I don't think she knows
how to use them.'

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Did you know this?

It cost 7 million dollars to build the Titanic and 200 million to make a film about it.

People who ride on roller coasters have a higher chance of having a blood clot in the brain.

People with blue eyes see better in dark.

Money isn't made out of paper, it is made out of cotton.

A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it go mad instantly and sting itself to death.

Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.

A huge underground river runs underneath the Nile , with six times more water than the river above.

The USA uses 29% of the world's petrol and 33% of the world's electricity.

Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear By 700 times.

The animal responsible for the most human deaths world-wide is the mosquito.

Right handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

We exercise at least 30 muscles when we smile.

Our nose is our personal air-conditioning system: it warms cold air, cools hot air and filters impurities.

Our brain is more complex than the most powerful computer and has over 100 billion nerve cells.

When a person dies, hearing is usually the first sense to go.

There is a great mushroom in Oregon that is 2,400 years old. It Covers 3.4 square miles of land and is still growing.

German Shepherds bite humans more than any other breed of dog.

The pupil of the eye expands as much as 45 percent when a person looks at something pleasing

Men's shirts have the buttons on the right, but women's shirts have the buttons on the left.

The reason honey is so easy to digest is that it's already been digested by a bee.

The sound you hear when you crack your knuckles is actually the sound of nitrogen gas bubbles bursting.

The only part of the body that has no blood supply is the cornea in the eye. It takes in oxygen directly from the air.

 

[BusyAfternoon]

On the Internet you can be anything you want.

It's strange that so many people choose to be stupid.

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Journalism at its best.

Funny Newspaper Headlines. Do they really proofread their own headlines?


http://search.aol.com/aol/image?q=funny+headlines+&v_t=keyword_rollover