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Business 101

Purchasing or Leasing - which is better?

Many people cannot decide which is cheaper - purchasing or leasing..

We'd like to help you decide by illustrating two charming stories of
Foolish men and cunning women.


Purchasing
The math’s on the Paul McCartney - Heather Mills divorce was as follows:
After 5 years of marriage, he paid her $49 million.
Assuming he had sex with her every night during their 5 year relationship
It ended up with him purchasing her @ $26,849 per time.

This is Heather...

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/f123/katiezo/octoberb/heatherlies.jpg




Leasing

On the other hand,
New York Governor Eliot Spitzer's favorite hooker, Kristen,
Charged $4,000 per night.


So, had Paul McCartney "employed" Kristen for 5 years @ $4,000 per night,
He would have paid only $7.3 million in total for sex every night.
This represents a $41..7 million saving for Eliot.
What a shrewd man Eliot is, compared to the ageing Beatle.
Further valuable benefits of this Leasing option are;
* a (real) 22 year old
* no need for coaxing / pleading / begging
* never a headache
* happily agrees to all technical requests
* no complaining
* no “Honey - please do this” lists
Best of all, she leaves and returns when asked.
All at 1/7th the cost and no legal fees.

What does Heather think about this Purchase v Lease conundrum?...
http://www.celebitchy.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/07/wenn2913654.jpg


Where would you rather be?...

http://www.celebitchy.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/infphoto_672993-679x1023.jpg


Sometimes Leasing just makes more sense.

THE OLD ADAGE STILL HOLDS TRUE.....
IF IT FLYS, FUCKS, OR FLOATS.............RENT IT!
 
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Stressed Santa
One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit; this stressed Santa even more. 

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out at heaven knows where. More stress. 

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. 

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffeepot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made of. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. 

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it? 

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the tree.
 
This information is for Catholics only. It must not be divulged to non-Catholics. The less they know about our rituals and top secret code words, the better off they are.

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass.

CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync.

HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY. Created by boiling the HELL out of it.



HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.

RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

INCENSE: Holy Smoke!

JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to find colleges with good basketball teams.

JONAH: The original 'Jaws' story.

JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.

KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava. (for you non-Catholics it means Lord have mercy)

MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

MANGER: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. (The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.)

PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.

PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.

RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.

USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.

Little known facts about the Catholic Church in Las Vegas :

There are more churches in Las Vegas than casinos. During Sunday services at the offertory, some worshippers contribute casino chips as opposed to cash.. Some are sharing their winnings - some are
hoping to win. Since they get chips from so many different casinos, and they are worth money, the Catholic churches are required to send all the chips into the diocese for sorting. Once sorted into the respective casino chips, one junior priest takes the chips and makes the rounds to the casinos turning chips into cash. And he, of course, is known as The Chip Monk.
 
A customer asked the clerk, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"
The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? " Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?"
The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."
 
Man/Woman on oil change



Change Oil Instructions for Women



The truth and nothing but the truth..... Oil Change instructions for Women:

1. Pull up to Dealership when the mileage reaches 5,000 miles since the last oil change.



2. Relax in the waiting room while enjoying a cup of coffee.



3. 15 minutes later, scan debit card and leave, driving a properly maintained vehicle.



Money spent: Oil Change: $24.00 with coupon Coffee: Complementary

TOTAL: $24.00



Oil Change instructions for Men:

1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, and use your debit card for $50.00.



2. Stop to buy a case of beer, (debit $24), drive home.



3. Open a beer and drink it.



4. Jack truck up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.



5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.



6.. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.



7. Place drain pan under engine.



8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.



9. Give up and use crescent wrench.



10. Unscrew drain plug.



11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.



12. Crawl out from under truck to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.



13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.



14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.



15. Give up; crawl under truck and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.



16. Crawl out from under truck with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.



17. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.



18. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.



19. Remember drain plug from step 11.



20. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan. Cuss.



21. Drink beer.



22. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill. Cuss.



23. Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.



24. Crawl under truck getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.



25. Begin cussing fit.



26. Throw stupid crescent wrench.



27. Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit truck and left dent.



28. Beer.



29. Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.



30. Beer.



31. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.



32. Beer.



33. Lower truck from jack stands.



34. Move truck back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during missed steps.



35. Beer.



36. Test drive truck.



37. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence. Cuss.



38. Truck gets impounded.



39. Call loving wife, make bail.



40. 12 hours later, get truck from impound yard.

Money spent:



Parts: $50.00 DUI: $2,500.00 Impound fee: $75.00 Bail: $1,450.00 Beer: $24.00

TOTAL: $4,150.00. Cuss.



But you know the job was done right!
 
As I've grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.
 
Our eyes are always the same size from birth,
but our nose and ears never stop growing.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog"
uses every letter of the alphabet.


= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
The words 'racecar,'
'kayak' , and 'level'
are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

= = = == = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
A snail can sleep for three years.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that also)
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
The cruise liner, QE 2

moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
(Good thing he did that.)
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
There are more chickens than people in the world.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Winston Churchill

was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Bonus!! All the ants in Africa weigh more than ALL the Elephants!!
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Now you know (a little) more than you did before!!
 
TOP TEN – “ONLY IN AMERICA !”

10) Only in America could the wealthy, and high earning workers (less than 10% of the population) who pay 75% of all income taxes, be accused of not paying their "fair share", while 49% of the total population does not pay one dime in income tax.



9) Only in America could the government collect more tax dollars than any nation in recorded history, still spend a trillion dollars more than it has - per year - (that's $7 million PER MINUTE) , and complain it doesn't have nearly enough money.



8) Only in America could people demand the government investigate whether oil companies are gouging the public because the price of gas went up when the return on equity invested in a major U.S. oil company (Marathon Oil) is less than half what a company making tennis shoes earns (Nike).



7) Only in America could you need to present a driver's license to cash a check or buy alcohol, or enter a great many government facilities, but not in order to vote.



6) Only in America could the people who believe in balancing the budget and sticking by the country's Constitution be considered "radical," and right wing "extremists."



5) Only in America would we make people who want to legally become American citizens wait for years in their home countries and pay tens of thousands of dollars for the privilege while we discuss letting anyone who sneaks into the country illegally just become American citizens.



4) Only in America can we have terrorists kill people in the name of Allah and have the media primarily react by fretting that Muslims in this county might be harmed by the backlash.



3) Only in America could we have had the two people most responsible for our tax code, Timothy Geithner, the head of the Treasury Department and Charles Rangel who once ran the powerful House Ways and Means Committee, BOTH turn out to be tax cheats, and they are in favor of higher taxes.



2) Only in America could people claim that the government still discriminates against black Americans when we have a black President, a black Attorney General, and roughly 18% of the federal workforce is black. And just 12% of the population is black.



1) Only in America could politicians talk about the greed of the rich at a $35,000 a plate campaign fund raising event.
 
This is a test to measure your testosterone level reflex

If you pass it, you can keep on messing, if not, it's time to stop.
Follow the simple instructions below:

1. Click on the man's nose.
2. IF YOU successfully click on his nose, you can have another rendezvous ... IF NOT, YOU MUST STOP Having sex!!!

http://www.selfcontrolfreak.com/slaan.html
 
What's the difference between a bowling ball and a Michigan State Spartan cheerleader?

You can only fit three fingers in a bowling ball.



Why do the University of Michigan Wolverines play on artificial turf?

It keeps their cheerleaders from grazing at half-time.
 
The Old Couple
A very elderly couple from a retirement community in Florida go to a Sex Therapist. The man says to the Dr., "I'm 86 years old, she's 84, and we want you to watch us while having sex."
The Dr. is somewhat suprised by this strange request, but figures because of there advanced age they may have some difficulty, so agrees to see if he can help them out in anyway. The couple do it there and the Dr. says "well in spite of your age everything looks fine and works just as it should", so he sends the couple on their way.
Over the next few weeks, the couple shows back up at the Therapist asking for the same request. Finally, the Dr. says, "Why do you keep coming here? I told you everything seems to work fine for your age. Not to mention I charge you an office visit everytime you come here. Just go home and enjoy the sex with your wife while you still can".
The Man replies "Well, it's like this, we're married, but not to each other. We can't go to each other's place because of our spouses. The Holiday Inn charges $96 for a room and the Marriott $143. You only charge $50 and I get $43 back on Medicare
 
NASA's robot landed on Mars. Early pictures show no signs of ESPN, beer or porn.

This makes it very clear that men are not from Mars.
 
CaptainKirk said:
What's the difference between a bowling ball and a Michigan State Spartan cheerleader?

You can only fit three fingers in a bowling ball.



Why do the University of Michigan Wolverines play on artificial turf?

It keeps their cheerleaders from grazing at half-time.
Click to expand...


Good Morning Captain...good to see you back in the neighborhood.
 
You're Going To Get Screwed: It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds. As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car. He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were you trying to steal it? "Heavens no, we bought it." "Then why don't you drive it away." "We can't drive." "Then why did you buy it?" "We were told that if we bought a used car here we'd get screwed... so we're just waiting.
 
Husband takes the wife to a disco.

There's a guy on the dance floor giving it large - break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works.

The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

Husband says:

"Looks like he's still celebrating!!!
 
The Blonde Cop: A blonde in a convertible is speeding down the highway when she gets pulled over by a female police officer, who also turns out to be a blonde. She walks up to the convertible and asks to see the blonde's drivers license. Confused, the blonde asks, "What does a license look like?" Eager to help, the officer happily responds, "It's that thing in your purse with your face on it." The blonde begins searching through her purse and finally pulls out a mirror. She flips it open, sees her own reflection and figures that must be it. After handing it over to the officer, the officer carefully looks at it says, "Oh, I'm so sorry. If I knew you were a cop, I wouldn't have pulled you over!"
 
I hate people that say "He's a nice person once you get to know him."

They might as well just say "He's a dickhead, but you'll get used to it.
 
Somebody stole my identity last week.

Today, they showed up at my door and pleaded for me to take it back.
 
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