Tell a Joke

An English schoolteacher, was in Switzerland and looking for a room to rent for when she would begin her teaching there the following fall. She asked the schoolmaster if he would recommed any. He took her to see several rooms, and when everything was settled she returned home to make final preparations for the move. When she arrived home, the thought suddenly occured to her that she had not seen a Water Closet (toilet) around the place. She immediately wrote a note to the schoolmaster asking him if there was a "W.C." near the room.

The schoolmaster was a poor master of english so he asked the parish priest about the meaning of the letters "W.C." and the only solution they could come up with for the letters was "Wayside Chapel". The schoolmaster then wrote the following note to the English lady seeking a "W.C." with her room.

Dear Madam: I take great comfort in informing you that a "W.C." is situated nine miles from the house in the corner of a beautiful grove of pine trees, surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people, and it is open on Sundays and Thursdays only. As there are a great many people expected during the summer months, I would suggest that you come early, although there is usually plenty of standing room. This is an unfortunate situation, particularly if you are in the habit of going regularly. You will no doubt be glad to hear that a good many bring their lunch and make a day of it, while others, who can't afford to go by car, arrive just in time. I would especially advise your ladyship to go on Thursdays when there is an organ accompaniest. The acoustics are excellent and even the most delicate sounds can be heared everywhere. It may interest you to know that my daughter was married in the "W.C." and it was there that she met her husband. I can remember the rush there was for seats. There were ten people to a seat usually reserved for one, and it was wonderful to see the expression on their faces.

The newest attraction is a bell, donated by a wealthy resident of the district, which rings every time a person enters. A Bazaar is to be held to raise money for plush seats for all, since the people believe it is a long felt want. My wife is rather delicate so she can't go regularly: it is almost a year since she went last. Naturally it pains her not to be able to go more often. I shall be delighted to reserve the best seat for you, if you wish, where you will be seen by all. For the children there is a special time so that they will not disturb the elders.

Hoping to have been of some service to you, I remain,

Sincerely, The Schoolmaster
 
If I were an enzyme, I'd be DNA Helicase-
Because I can unzip your genes. :rose:
 
Brain Teaser

I could not figure it out(I know go figure!). My first thought was
wrong and I had to look at the answer. Good brain teaser, I hate these
things. Got no brain left.


See if you can figure out what these seven words all have in common?

1. Banana
2. Dresser
3. Grammar
4. Potato
5. Revive
6. Uneven
7. Assess





Are you peeking or have you already given up?








Give it another try.... Look at each word carefully. You'll kick
yourself when you discover the answer. This is so cool.....







No, it is not that they all have at least 2 double letters....









Answer is below!









In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at
the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the
same word. Did you figure it out?
 
"Not really a joke, but there's a sign outside the KRCC building (where I go to drug rehab) that says, "Keep off the grass".

I know what it means, but it's funny to me, assholes.





Good Stuff..funny.
 
A drunk staggers out of a smalltown bar and heads off across the cemetary towards home. He slips and falls in a fresh grave ready for the next day's funeral. A couple hours later, another drunk follows the same path. He keeps hear a voice saying "Help me I'm cold! Help me I'm cold!" Staggering thru the stones he comes across the first drunk in the bottom of the grave. "Help me I'm cold!" says the first drunk.

The second one looks down ant him and says "Of course you're cold ya stupid fucker, ya kicked all your dirt off of ya."
 
Ole and sven decide they wanna get hammered, but they only have $1 between the two of em. Ole say's to Sven, "give me your $.50 and I'll get us drunk." Sven does so and Ole heads in to the butcher shop and buys a kielbasa. Sven says"Jesus Ole, how's that thing gonna get us drunk. Now we have no money and nothing to drink. Ole say's "quit winning Sven and follow my lead." Ole heads to the first tavern they see and orders two beer and two shots of wiskey. Sven starts whining again"Damn Ole how are we gonna pay for these drinks, our financial situation just got even worse." Ole pulls out the kielbasa, sticks it out the front of his pants and instructs Sven"Slam your shot and beer then get on your knees and suck on this kielbasa." Sven does and in no time at all the bar keep comes running over screaming "get outta here you two fags!." As soon as the get out side Sven says "Damn Ole, your a genius!." They head of to the next tavern and the same outcome happens. Six bars later Sven says "Gosh Ole I don't think I can go anylonger, I'm drunk as hell and my knees are sore and so is my jaw." Ole say's "yeah me too, in fact I'm starting to get a little chaffed, I lost the kielbasa about three bars back!"
 
Two guys are standing around watching a dog lick his nuts. One guy says to the other "boy I sure wish I could do that". The other fellow states "go ahead but ya better pet him first".
 
FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:



1. Money cannot buy happiness, but its more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the bastard's name.

3. Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

5. Trying to debate with Obama voters is like trying to pick up a turd by its clean end.
 
FIVE ELDERLY LADIES DRIVING .....

Sitting on the side of the road waiting to catch speeding drivers, a
Massachusetts state trooper sees a car puttering along at 24 mph. He
thinks to himself, "This driver is as dangerous as a speeder!" So he
turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies -
two in the front seat and three in the back, wide-eyed and white as
ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't
understand. I was going the exact speed limit. What seems to be the
problem?"

The trooper trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that 24 was
the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman
grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before you go, Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car OK?
These women seem awfully shaken."

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route
128."
 
Last Tuesday President Obama got off the helicopter in front of The White House

carrying a baby piglet under each arm.

The squared-away Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted and said: "Nice pigs, sir."

The President replied: "These are not pigs. These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs.

I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, and one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared-away Marine again snapped to attention, salutes and said,
"Excellent trade, sir."
 
Scotch with two drops of water



A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship

and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.

As the bartender gives her the drink she says

'I'm on this cruise to celebrate

my 80th birthday and it's today.' The bartender says

'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink.

In fact, this one is on me.'

As the woman finishes her drink

the woman to her right says

'I would like to buy you a drink, too.' The old woman says

'Thank you.

Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming up' says the bartender

As she finishes that drink,

the man to her left says

'I would like to buy you one, too.' The old woman says

'Thank you.

Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming right up' the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says

'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'

The old woman replies

'Sonny, when you're my age,

you've learned how to hold your liquor...

Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'
 
IRS Genie

:) ZZZ



A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He’s crawling through the sands,certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case.



He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing an IRS ID badge and dull gray suit. There’s a calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

“Well, kid,” says the genie. “You know how it works. You have three wishes.”

“I’m not falling for this.” says the man. “I’m not going to trust an IRS agent.”

“You might as well it looks like your a goner anyway.”

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

“OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink.”

***POOF*** The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

“OK, kid, what’s your second wish.”

“My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams.”

***POOF*** The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

“OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!”

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says: “I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me.”

***POOF*** He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story?

If the IRS offers you anything, there’s going to be a string attached.
 
I apologize if this has already been posted. Too many pages to go through to check.

A comesd home, rushes to the couch and yells to his wife, "Quick, get me a beer before it starts!"

Puzzled, his wife brings him a beer from the kitchen. He drains it and says, "Quick, get me another beer before it starts!"

His wife rushes back and gets him another beer, which he also drains, and says, "Quick, get me another beer before it starts!"

His wife says, "Look, if you think you're going to sit around on your fat ass and drink beer all night whle I cook and clean and..."

"Aww. It's started."
 
A bear and a rabbit are taking a crap together in the woods.

The bear looks over at the rabbit with a panged look on his face and asks, "Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?"

The rabbit responds with a confused look, "No."

The bear then grabs the rabbit and wipes his ass with him.
 
IS THIS IRONIC


The Secret Service scandal was discovered when a disagreement on how much a

prostitute wanted for her services came to light. She wanted $800.00. The

Secret Service Agent offered $30.00.



How ironic is it that the only person in Washington willing to cut spending

gets fired?
 
A secretary got an expensive PEN as birthday gift from her boss.

She sent her boss a 'Thank You' via SMS. The wife read the text and angrily shows her husband the message:

"Your penis wonderful, I enjoyed using it last night. Thanks"


................... Moral story: Spacing is important.
 
“Fathom the hypocrisy of a Government that will require every citizen to prove they are insured... but not everyone to prove they are a citizen!”
 
As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: 'What in the world are you doing?'

The daughter replied: 'Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'Dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.

The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked: 'What the ------ are you doing?'

The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.'
 
Texas sex...


Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex
positions. One said, 'I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best.'

'I don't think I have ever heard of that one,' said the other cowboy.

'What is it ?' 'Well, it's where you get your wife or girl friend down
on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around
and cup each one of her titties in your hands and whisper in her ear;
'Boy, these feel just like your sister's, but a little smaller.
Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds.'
 
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