Tell a Joke

[shamelessZZZ]

True, true.



A travelling salesman walks up to a house and knocks on the door, carrying a case full of his wares for sale. But when the door opens, the salesman sees that it's a 6 year old kid wearing a fedora and sunglasses, holding a lit cigar in one hand, and a double rum and coke in the other.

Startled, the salesman asks the kid, "Are your parents home ?".

To which the kid answers, "Does it fucking LOOK like it ?".

This is good.

 

[texasace]

A blonde drops off her little black dress at the cleaners.

On her way out the door the lady at the counter says, "Come again."

The blonde says, "No, it's toothpaste this time, you nosey bitch."

 

[shamelessZZZ]

A blonde drops off her little black dress at the cleaners.

On her way out the door the lady at the counter says, "Come again."

The blonde says, "No, it's toothpaste this time, you nosey bitch."

This is Rich !

 

[BusyAfternoon]

THE IRISH WEDDING...



At the wedding reception someone yelled...

"Would all the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."

The bartender was almost crushed to death.

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Shampoo Warning!!!!!!!!

Please share with all your friends.
I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!!!!!
I use shampoo in the shower!
When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and
... ... Printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning,
"FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY."
No wonder I have been gaining weight!!!
Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and
I am going to start using Dawn dish soap instead.
Its label reads,
"DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."
Problem solved!
If I don't answer the phone
I'll be in the shower!

 

[BusyAfternoon]

A secretary got an expensive PEN as birthday gift from her boss.

She sent her boss a 'Thank You' via SMS. The wife read the text and angrily shows her husband the message:

"Your penis wonderful, I enjoyed using it last night. Thanks"


................... Moral story: Spacing is important.

 

[shamelessZZZ]

THE IRISH WEDDING...



At the wedding reception someone yelled...

"Would all the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."

The bartender was almost crushed to death.

Both of Your jokes are funny,, Thank You.

 

[BusyAfternoon]

When Is Drunk TOO Drunk?

Two buddies, Fred and Jerry, were getting very drunk at a bar when
suddenly Jerry throws up all over himself. Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!'

Fred says, 'Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell
your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the
dry cleaning bill.' So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.

Eventually Jerry stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time.
'You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!'

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Jerry says, Nowainaminit, I can
e'splain everythin. Itsh snot wha jewthink. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other
guy got sick on me...he had one too many and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor. He said
he's was berry sorry an' gave me twenties bucks for the cleaning bill!'

His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, 'But this is forty bucks...'

'Oh, yeah... I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too.'

 

[shamelessZZZ]

ZZZ

Six Old Ladies.


One day, while walking to the store, I passed by a Nursing Home.
On the front lawn were six old ladies laying naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual but continued on my way to the store.
On my return trip I passed the same Nursing Home with the same six old ladies laying naked on the lawn. This time my curiosity got the best of me and I went inside to talk to the manager.



“Do you know there are 6 ladies laying naked on your front lawn?”
“Yes,” he said. “They are retired prostitutes and they’re having a yard sale.”

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Yearly Physical







During a physical exam the other day, I asked my patient about his daily activity level, and he described a typical day this way:

"Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake and took four "leaks" behind big trees."

Inspired by the story, I said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"

"No," He replied, "I'm just a crappy golfer."

 

[shamelessZZZ]

When Is Drunk TOO Drunk?

Two buddies, Fred and Jerry, were getting very drunk at a bar when
suddenly Jerry throws up all over himself. Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!'

Fred says, 'Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell
your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the
dry cleaning bill.' So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.

Eventually Jerry stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time.
'You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!'

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Jerry says, Nowainaminit, I can
e'splain everythin. Itsh snot wha jewthink. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other
guy got sick on me...he had one too many and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor. He said
he's was berry sorry an' gave me twenties bucks for the cleaning bill!'

His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, 'But this is forty bucks...'

'Oh, yeah... I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too.'

This got Me to Laugh.

 

[shamelessZZZ]

Yearly Physical







During a physical exam the other day, I asked my patient about his daily activity level, and he described a typical day this way:

"Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake and took four "leaks" behind big trees."

Inspired by the story, I said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"

"No," He replied, "I'm just a crappy golfer."

Real good.

 

[texasace]

One Monday morning the UPS man is driving the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. “Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,” the UPS man comments. Bob, in obvious pain, replies “Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing "WHO AM I?” The UPS man thinks a moment and says, “How do you play "WHO AM I?” “Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.” The UPS man laughs and says, “Damn, I'm sorry I missed that.” ”Probably a good thing you did,” Bob responded. “Your name came up seven times.......”

 

[shamelessZZZ]

One Monday morning the UPS man is driving the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. “Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,” the UPS man comments. Bob, in obvious pain, replies “Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing "WHO AM I?” The UPS man thinks a moment and says, “How do you play "WHO AM I?” “Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.” The UPS man laughs and says, “Damn, I'm sorry I missed that.” ”Probably a good thing you did,” Bob responded. “Your name came up seven times.......”

This is good too !

 

[BusyAfternoon]

That Mars vs Venus thing....



Ever wondered what the difference between Grannies and Grandads is?

5 year old granddaughter is usually taken to school, daily, by her Grandfather.
When he had a bad cold his wife took the grandchild.

That night she told her parents that the ride to school with granny was very different!!

"What made it different?" asked her parents:


"Gran and I didn't see a single tosser, blind bastard, dick-head or wanker anywhere on the way to school today!'

 

[BusyAfternoon]

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: 'What in the world are you doing?'

The daughter replied: 'Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'Dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.

The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked: 'What the ------ are you doing?'

The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.'

 

[BusyAfternoon]

An Illegal Alien, a Muslim and a Communist go into a bar.



The bartender asks:



"What can I get you, Mr. President?"

 

[BusyAfternoon]

A Kind Hearted Scotsman!

My wife and I walked past a swanky new restaurant in Edinburgh last night.
"Did you smell that food?" she asked. "Incredible!"
Being the nice guy I am, I thought, "What the heck, I'll treat her!"
So I walked her back past it again.

 

[texasace]

Priest and a Rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.After a while, the Priest turned to the Rabbi and asked, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?” The Rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our laws.” The Priest then asked, “Have you ever eaten pork?” To which the Rabbi replied, “Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.” The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the Priest, “Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?”The Priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.”
The Rabbi then asked him, “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?” The Priest replied, “Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my faith.” The Rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes. Finally, the Rabbi said, “Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?”

 

[shamelessZZZ]

Priest and a Rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.After a while, the Priest turned to the Rabbi and asked, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?” The Rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our laws.” The Priest then asked, “Have you ever eaten pork?” To which the Rabbi replied, “Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.” The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the Priest, “Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?”The Priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.”
The Rabbi then asked him, “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?” The Priest replied, “Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my faith.” The Rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes. Finally, the Rabbi said, “Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?”

ZZZ
And I have a tear in My right eye after laughing at this one.

 

[HoHoBomb]

http://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=40026960&postcount=27

 

[shamelessZZZ]

ZZZ

The student – not necessarily a well-prepared student – sat in his life Biology classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed: “Give four advantages of breast milk.”


What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:

1. No need to boil.

2. Cats can’t steal it.

3. Available whenever necessary.

Um. So far so good – maybe. But the exam demanded a four-part answer. Again, what to write?

Once more he sighed. He frowned. He scowled. Then sighed again. But suddenly, he brightened up. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly he scribbled his definitive answer:

4. Available in attractive containers.

 

[shamelessZZZ]

ZZZ

A 6 inch putt
An older couple are playing in the annual club championship. They are playing in a play off hole and it is down to a 6 inch putt that the wife has to make. She takes her stance and her husband can see her trembling. She putts and misses, they lose the match.


On the way home in the car her husband is fuming, “I cannot believe you missed that putt! That putt was no longer than my dick.”

The wife just looked over at her husband, smiled and said, “Yes dear, but it was much harder!”

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Alcohol does not solve any problem, but then neither does milk.

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Two little boys are in a hospital, lying on beds next to each other, outside the Operating Room.The first kid leans over and asks, 'What are you in here for? The second kid says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous. The first kid says, 'You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze. The second kid then asks, 'What are you in here for?'The first kid says, A circumcision. And the second kid says, 'Whoa, good luck with that one, buddy!I had that done when I was BORN ... Couldn't walk for a year.