Tell a Joke

[BusyAfternoon]

Beer Theories

Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
Babe Ruth

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
Lyndon B. Johnson

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
Paul Horning



"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
H. L. Mencken



"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
George Bernard Shaw


"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
Benjamin Franklin



"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
Dave Barry



BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!
W. C. Fields



Remember "I" before "E," except in Budweiser.
Professor Irwin Corey



To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group Salvation in a can!
Leo Durocher




One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin said to his buddy, Norm Peterson:

"Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this.. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members! ; In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers

 

[GiggLeGasm]

So how can over 873,000 people come off the unemployment rolls when there were only a little over 114,000 jobs created? Below is a transcript of a conversation between two eminent economists discussing this very question!


COSTELLO: I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America.

ABBOTT: Good Subject. Terrible Times. It's 7.8%.

COSTELLO: That many people are out of work?

ABBOTT: No, that's 14.7%.

COSTELLO: You just said 7.8%.

ABBOTT: 7.8% Unemployed.

COSTELLO: Right 7.8% out of work.

ABBOTT: No, that's 14.7%.

COSTELLO: Okay, so it's 14.7% unemployed.

ABBOTT: No, that's 7.8%.

COSTELLO: WAIT A MINUTE. Is it 7.8% or 14.7%?

ABBOTT: 7.8% are unemployed. 14.7% are out of work.

COSTELLO: If you are out of work you are unemployed.

ABBOTT: No, Congress said you can't count the "Out of Work" as the unemployed.

You have to look for work to be unemployed.

COSTELLO: BUT THEY ARE OUT OF WORK!!!

ABBOTT: No, you miss his point.

COSTELLO: What point?

ABBOTT: Someone who doesn't look for work can't be counted with those who look for work. It wouldn't be fair.

COSTELLO: To whom?

ABBOTT: The unemployed.

COSTELLO: But ALL of them are out of work.

ABBOTT: No, the unemployed are actively looking for work. Those who are out of work gave up looking and if you give up, you are no longer in the ranks of the unemployed.

COSTELLO: So if you're off the unemployment roles that would count as less unemployment?

ABBOTT: Unemployment would go down. Absolutely!

COSTELLO: The unemployment just goes down because you don't look for work?

ABBOTT: Absolutely it goes down. That's how they get it to 7.8%. Otherwise it would be 14.7%. Our govt. doesn't want you to read about 14.7% unemployment.



COSTELLO: That would be tough on those running for reelection.



ABBOTT: Absolutely.



COSTELLO: Wait, I got a question for you. That means there are two ways to bring down the unemployment number?

ABBOTT: Two ways is correct.

COSTELLO: Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job?

ABBOTT: Correct.

COSTELLO: And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for a job?

ABBOTT: Bingo.

COSTELLO: So there are two ways to bring unemployment down, and the easier of the two is to have people stop looking for work.

ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like an Economist.

COSTELLO: I don't even know what the hell I just said!

ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like Congress.

It would be more funny IF IT WASN'T TRUE!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Colonoscopy Journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.


A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.




Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.


I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'


I left Andy' s office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.


I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.


Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.


Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.


The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'


This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.


MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle.. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.


After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.


The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.


At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..


Then a nurse named John put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but John was very good, and I was already lying down. John also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep..
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.


When everything was ready, John wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.


Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.


There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.


'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.


'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.


I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.


Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ..



On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:


1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'


2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'


3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'


4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'


5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'


6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'


7. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'


8. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'


9. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'


10. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'


11. 'Good, now I know why I am not gay.'


And the best one of all:
12. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

 

[BusyAfternoon]

I'LL RACE YOU TO THE BOTTOM OF THE HILL!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=1qibdNgWU_M

 

[BusyAfternoon]

It would be more funny IF IT WASN'T TRUE!!!!!!!!!!!

Spot on, Gasm...Love your tagline...
"I don't swallow. I let it run down my chin in a cheap attempt to look kinky."

 

[Balladeer08]

I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.

I told the doctors that they should be ashamed of themselves. They don't administer this stuff at Gitmo, because it would be too cruel. There are some things even torturers won't do.

 

[BusyAfternoon]

OK kids who are smarter than me... How does he do this?
You won't believe your eyes.



CLICK BELOW TO SEE THE VIDEO


http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=Uh0CMcLiRkw

 

[BusyAfternoon]

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam outside Washington, DC.

Nothing is moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on average?"

The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Now that the province of Ontario has an openly gay female Liberal Premier..

We'll have to learn a new term known as 'Lesbionics'....

What do you call a pantry full of lesbians?
A licker cabinet

What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?
A Klondyke.

What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?
Fur traders.

What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?
Well hung.

How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
Even the pool table doesn't have balls.

What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?
One's a snack cracker; the other's a crack snacker.

What do you have when you've got 50 lesbians and 50 Union workers?
100 people that don't do dick.

 

[BusyAfternoon]

If...is a big word

If you can get arrested for hunting or fishing without a license, but
not for being in the country illegally ... you might live in a country
founded by geniuses but run by idiots.

If you have to get your parents permission to go on a field trip or
take an aspirin in school, but not to get an abortion ... you might live
in a country founded by geniuses but run by idiots.

If the only school curriculum allowed to explain how we got here is
evolution, but the government stops a $15 million construction
project to keep a rare spider from evolving to extinction ... you might live in a
country founded by geniuses but run by idiots.

If you have to show identification to board an airplane, cash a
check, buy liquor, or check out a library book, but not to vote who runs the
government ... you might live in a country founded by geniuses but
run by
idiots.

If the government wants to ban stable, law-abiding citizens from
owning gun magazines with more than ten rounds, but gives 20 F-16 fighter jets
to the crazy new leaders in Egypt ... you might live in a country founded by
geniuses but run by idiots.

If, in the largest city, you can buy two 16-ounce sodas, but not a
24-ounce soda because 24-ounces of a sugary drink might make you fat ... you
might live in a country founded by geniuses but run by idiots.

If an 80-year-old woman can be stripped searched by the TSA but a
woman in a hijab is only subject to having her neck and head searched ... you
might live in a country founded by geniuses but run by idiots.

If a seven year old boy can be thrown out of school for saying his
teacher is "cute", but hosting a sexual exploration or diversity class in
grade school is perfectly acceptable ... you might live in a country
founded by geniuses but run by idiots.

If children are forcibly removed from parents who discipline them with
spankings while children of addicts are left in filth and drug
infested ?homes?... you might live in a country founded by geniuses but run by
idiots.

If hard work and success are met with higher taxes and more government
intrusion, while not working is rewarded with EBT cards, WIC checks,
Medicaid, subsidized housing, and free cell phones ... you might live
in a country founded by geniuses but run by idiots.

If the government's plan for getting people back to work is to
incentivize NOT working with 99 weeks of Unemployment checks and no requirement to
prove they applied but can?t find work ... you might live in a country
founded by geniuses but run by idiots.

If you pay your mortgage faithfully, denying yourself the newest big
screen TV while your neighbor buys iPhones, TV's and new cars, and the
government forgives his debt when he defaults on his mortgage ... you might live
in a country founded by geniuses but run by idiots.

If being stripped of the ability to defend yourself makes you more
"safe" according to the government ... you might live in a country founded by
geniuses but run by idiots. ****

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day; anal sex makes your hole weak.

Q: What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
A: They can both smell it but can't eat it.

Q: How is a woman like a condom?
A: Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

Q: What is the similarity between a woman and KFC?
A: By the time you've finished with the breasts and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

Q: How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
A: They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing and in the end you lose your house.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
A: Spitting, swallowing and gargling.

Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
A: Full.

Q: How do you make five pounds of fat look good?
A: Put a nipple on it.

Q. What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down and use a lubricant.

Q. What do you call a blonde that can suck a golf ball through a garden hose ?
A. Darling

Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After five years your job will still suck.

Q: Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
A: Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.

Q. How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

Q: Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!

Q: What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom?
A: A pick pocket snatches watches.

Q: What do a dildo and soybeans have in common?
A: They're both used as a meat substitute.

Q: What do old women have between their breasts that young women don't?
A: A bellybutton!

 

[Balladeer08]

OK kids who are smarter than me... How does he do this?
You won't believe your eyes.



CLICK BELOW TO SEE THE VIDEO


http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=Uh0CMcLiRkw

Not the first clue. But EXCELLENT trick!

If you find out how, please let me know. I'm amazed.

 

[Sean]

OK kids who are smarter than me... How does he do this?
You won't believe your eyes.



CLICK BELOW TO SEE THE VIDEO


http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=Uh0CMcLiRkw

It's a camera trick.

 

[lovecraft68]

Q. Why did Washington legalize gay marriage and pot in the same day?

A. Because in Leviticus God said if a man lies with a man he shall be stoned.

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Ever wonder how they did the music for The Good, the Bad
&the Ugly? It is cool to see how it was made after all
these years. Some of you may not be old enough to remember
this classic from the '60 's. Here it is anyway. This is
fantastic. Turn it up nice and loud and enjoy. For those
still caught in the '60s groove -- this is the answer to how
that magnificent signature tune came about...Superb....wait
till the guy whistles!!!

THE UKULELE ORCHESTRA OF GREAT BRITAIN - THE GOOD, THE BAD
AND THE UGLY!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_popout&v=pLgJ7pk0X-s

 

[BusyAfternoon]

The Judge O o o O
Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.


The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."


On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?"


"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? "


"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."


"That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?"


"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"


"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your butt before prison…’

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Can't believe I missed six!


US Law Quiz
Below is a link to a 30-question test to see how well you know US Law.
Not exactly grade-school level. Give it a shot, and see how well you do!
Supposedly 96% of all High School Seniors FAILED this test. If that's not bad enough, 50+% of all individuals over 50 did too!! Take the test and be surprised at what we don't know.

<http://games.toast.net/independence/

 

[BusyAfternoon]

"Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?" asked the wife.

"No," I said.

She gave me a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.


"Have you ever seen a fifty dollar bill all crumpled up?" she asked.

"No," I said.

She gave me another sexy little smile, seductively reached into her panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.


"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 30,000 dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," I said, intrigued.


"Well, go and take a quick look in the garage."

 

[BusyAfternoon]

When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, "I am putting a box
under the bed. You must promise never to look in it."

In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. On the afternoon
of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the
lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in
cash.

She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what
was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box
with such contents. That evening, they were out for a special anniversary
dinner.

After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she
confessed, saying, "I am so sorry, Bill. For all these years, I kept my
promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the
temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you
keep the 3 beer cans in the box?"

Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you
deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an
empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am
very disappointed and saddened by your behaviour. However, since you are
addicted to sex I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that
bad considering your problem."

Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their
peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all
that money in the box?"

Bill answered: "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took
them to the recycling centre and redeemed them for cash."

 

[shamelessZZZ]

Never lose your grandson!

A heart warming story.





My small grandson got lost at the shopping mall.

He approached a uniformed security guard and said,

"I've lost my grandpa.!"

The guard asked ,"What's his name?"

"Grandpa"

The guard smiled, they asked, "What's he like?"

"Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits"

 

[modernlove]

I stayed in a hotel in London last night.
In the room there were a couple of red cords hanging from the ceiling with handles on the ends.
I went down and asked the girl on reception what they were for. She said, "They're alarms, in case we get any disabled people in."

How fucking dangerous are the disabled people around here?!

 

[Balladeer08]

Can't believe I missed six!


US Law Quiz
Below is a link to a 30-question test to see how well you know US Law.
Not exactly grade-school level. Give it a shot, and see how well you do!
Supposedly 96% of all High School Seniors FAILED this test. If that's not bad enough, 50+% of all individuals over 50 did too!! Take the test and be surprised at what we don't know.

<http://games.toast.net/independence/

I missed four.

 

[Earl]

25/30 for me 83% isn't too bad

 

[oggbashan]

21/30 isn't bad for a Brit.

 

[BusyAfternoon]

http://weknowmemes.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/gun-shaped-cloud-spotted-over-school.jpg