Tell a Joke

[BusyAfternoon]

The wife left a note on the fridge "It's not working, I can't take it anymore!
Gone to stay with my brother."
I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold.

Not sure what she was talking about!

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Great Photos

http://www.slideshare.net/retraitee/something-different-29

 

[BusyAfternoon]

DILEMMA:

One guy says to his buddy: what is a dilemma, actually?

The buddy replied: well, there's nothing better than an example to illustrate that.
Imagine that you are laying in a big bed with a beautiful young woman on one side
and a gay man on the other.

Who are you going to turn your back on?

 

[BusyAfternoon]

The story of Newtown and Chicago

Newtown children 19 of 20 white. Chicago children mostly black. Media silent
about Chicago violence. WHY?

Chicago: 446 school age children shot in 2012 with strongest gun laws in
country media silent??

So why didn't ABC, CBS, CNN, CNBC, NBC raise Hell about these statistics?

The cesspool known as Chicago probably has the toughest gun laws in the
country, yet despite all the shootings, murders, and bloodshed, you never
hear a peep about this from the corrupt state run media. In Chicago, there
have been446 school age children shot in leftist utopia run by Rahm
Emanuel and that (also) produced Obama, Jesse Jackson, Louis Farrakhan, etc.

62 school aged children have actually been also killed by crazed nuts in
Chicago so far in this year of 2013.

So why is not this news worthy? Is it because it would embarrass those
anti-second amendment nuts who brag about Chicago's tough gun laws? Is it
because most of the kids who were shot and killed were minorities? Or is it
because the corrupt media does not want to show Chicago in a bad light?

THE LIST OF MURDERED SCHOOL AGE CHILDREN in Chicago so far in 2013

18 YEARS OLD- 15

17 YEARS OLD- 16

16 YEARS OLD- 16

15 YEARS OLD- 6

14 YEARS OLD- 4

13 YEARS OLD- 2

12 YEARS OLD- 1

7 YEARS OLD- 1

6 YEARS OLD- 1

446 School Age Children Shot in Chicago in 2012. THE LIST OF SCHOOL AGE
CHILDREN SHOT IN 2012

18 year old- 110

17 year old- 99

16 year old- 89

15 year old- 62

14 year old- 39

13 year old- 21

12 year old- 10

11 year old- 2

10 year old- 3

9 year old- 1

7 year old- 3

6 year old- 2

5 year old- 1

4 year old- 1

3 year old- 1

1 year old- 2

This is not news worthy?

The leadership in Illinois - all Democrats.

President: Barack Hussein Obama
Senator: Dick Durbin
House Representative: Jesse Jackson Jr.
Governor: Pat Quinn
House leader: Mike Madigan
Atty. Gen.: Lisa Madigan (daughter of Mike)
Mayor: Rahm Emanuel

Chicago school system rated one of the worst in the country.

State pension fund $78 Billion in debt, worst in country.

Cook County (Chicago) sales tax 10.25% - highest in country, but where was
it spent?

A culture of corruption that would make a liberal Louisiana politician blush
with envy.

Can't blame Republicans; there aren't any!

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Got home pretty late last night, and the wife left a message in the kitchen:

http://www.jamiiforums.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=55722&d=1339049906

I guess she wants me to eat more fruit.

 

[eric60red]

Man Of The House

A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be THE Man of Your House."

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm done eating my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious dessert.. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want!

Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife replied, "The f**kin' funeral director would be my first guess."

 

[eric60red]

£50 Nookie

An elderly man and woman, both in their 70's, walk into a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, “What can I do for you?”
The man says, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?”

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice, that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, “There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.” He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them £50, and says good bye.

A week later the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row. The couple make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, “I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?”

The man says, “We're not trying to find out anything.. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges £98 The Hilton charges £139. We do it here for £50, and I get £43 back from BUPA.”

 

[Busybody]

A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks, "What are you doing?" She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old." The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50 year old ass?" She replies, "Frankly dear, your name never came up."

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Gas Prices....

http://1389blog.com/pix/Just-kidding-those-were-our-prices-the-day-Obama-took-office.jpg

 

[BusyAfternoon]

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

 

[modernlove]

I was sitting on the loo when a bloke in the next cubicle started smoking.

Fucking odd.

I nearly couldn't finish my sandwich.

 

[BusyAfternoon]

A Catholic boy in confession says, “Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister.”
“That's a disgrace,” said the priest, “especially when you have two gorgeous brothers.”

 

[BusyAfternoon]

A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between 2 trees he thought he could hit through.

Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, "Are you a good golfer?"

The man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?

 

[modernlove]

Without a doubt, my favourite Robin Williams movie is Mrs Fire

 

[BusyAfternoon]

https://s-media-cache-ec4.pinimg.com/550x/18/ef/28/18ef28f5c7c4f7287de6f73ab4e67c84.jpg

 

[BusyAfternoon]

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt
................. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...

 

[modernlove]

I'm beginning to worry I'm turning into a pervert.


Last night I found myself smearing marmite on my girlfriend's testicles.

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Norskee Fire Department

One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota , a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in the blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township of Karlstad Volunteer Fire Company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the sleek, newer engines that were parked outside the plant.

Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno! Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old-timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before.

Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.

The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first ting ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat stoopid truck!"

 

[BusyAfternoon]

A church minister is driving down to Coral Springs, Florida on I95 when he's stopped for speeding. The Highway Patrol Officer smells alcohol on his breath and then he sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and he says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" And the minister says, "Just water." The Officer says, "Then why do I smell wine?" And the minister looks down at the bottle and says, "Good Lord, He's done it again!"

 

[Earl]

Aliens

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying,

"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Pissed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the
younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older,
wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, You never muck with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.

 

[shamelessZZZ]

^^^ .,, This is really good Earl.

 

[modernlove]

At a job interview.

"What would you say was your greatest weakness?"

"Honesty."

"I don't think honesty is a weakness."

"I don't give a fuck what you think."

 

[modernlove]

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket - he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie and promised to send the driver money from home but to no avail. The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"

So the businessman was forced to hitch to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the same businessman returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport, and at the end of a long line of cabs, he saw the very driver who had refused him a ride when he was down on his luck. He thought for a moment and got into the first cab in the line.

"How much for a ride to the airport?" he asked?

"Fifteen bucks," came the reply.

"And how much for you to give me a blow job on the way?" he added.

"What? Get the hell out of my cab!!"

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line with the same result.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied, "Fifteen bucks."
The businessman replied, "Okay," and off they went.

As they drove past the cabs in the long line, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs-up sign to each driver.

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Cleaning the cobra pit

Whatever this dude's salary is, he's definitely underpaid.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YIMigVo1pyA&feature=player_embedded

 

[BusyAfternoon]

So how can over 873,000 people come off the unemployment rolls when there were only a little over 114,000 jobs created? Below is a transcript of a conversation between two eminent economists discussing this very question!


COSTELLO: I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America.

ABBOTT: Good Subject. Terrible Times. It's 7.8%.

COSTELLO: That many people are out of work?

ABBOTT: No, that's 14.7%.

COSTELLO: You just said 7.8%.

ABBOTT: 7.8% Unemployed.

COSTELLO: Right 7.8% out of work.

ABBOTT: No, that's 14.7%.

COSTELLO: Okay, so it's 14.7% unemployed.

ABBOTT: No, that's 7.8%.

COSTELLO: WAIT A MINUTE. Is it 7.8% or 14.7%?

ABBOTT: 7.8% are unemployed. 14.7% are out of work.

COSTELLO: If you are out of work you are unemployed.

ABBOTT: No, Congress said you can't count the "Out of Work" as the unemployed.

You have to look for work to be unemployed.

COSTELLO: BUT THEY ARE OUT OF WORK!!!

ABBOTT: No, you miss his point.

COSTELLO: What point?

ABBOTT: Someone who doesn't look for work can't be counted with those who look for work. It wouldn't be fair.

COSTELLO: To whom?

ABBOTT: The unemployed.

COSTELLO: But ALL of them are out of work.

ABBOTT: No, the unemployed are actively looking for work. Those who are out of work gave up looking and if you give up, you are no longer in the ranks of the unemployed.

COSTELLO: So if you're off the unemployment roles that would count as less unemployment?

ABBOTT: Unemployment would go down. Absolutely!

COSTELLO: The unemployment just goes down because you don't look for work?

ABBOTT: Absolutely it goes down. That's how they get it to 7.8%. Otherwise it would be 14.7%. Our govt. doesn't want you to read about 14.7% unemployment.



COSTELLO: That would be tough on those running for reelection.



ABBOTT: Absolutely.



COSTELLO: Wait, I got a question for you. That means there are two ways to bring down the unemployment number?

ABBOTT: Two ways is correct.

COSTELLO: Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job?

ABBOTT: Correct.

COSTELLO: And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for a job?

ABBOTT: Bingo.

COSTELLO: So there are two ways to bring unemployment down, and the easier of the two is to have people stop looking for work.

ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like an Economist.

COSTELLO: I don't even know what the hell I just said!

ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like Congress.