Taunting peer pressure harrassment teasing name calling etc?

[autymn]

I have a teenager and I hear constantly the things that are done in the peer groups and it amazes me that people don't have conciences. It's not just teenagers, it's the work force, social groups, back stabbing friends. I see everyday through friends and family, media, just walking down the streets the devastation this seems to cause people. What I don't understand is why people do it ? What motivates a person to be so malicious or hateful ? Personally it doesn't bother me, I seem to be one of those people that can shake things off like that without it even phasing me, but then I have friends or family that call and are so upset because of something that was said to them with the sole intention of hurting them. What do people gain from this? What is it that can trigger a person to go on a violent rampage because someone said something unkind to them ? I don't buy the whole media television blame game, though I do believe it can influence feelings that are already there, but can they be blamed for ones actions? I don't know.
I would like some serious feedback, I know there will never be an answer to this but I really would like to hear what people have to say about it? Has it happened to you? Do you tend to tease people? Do you take things in stride or do you let them get to you? Do you defend people that it's happening to?

 

[phoenix1224]

Doctor Phil had an episode about this just a couple of days ago (yes, I watch Doctor Phil on occasion... )

One theory is that these "bullies" are so insecure and have such a huge inferiority complex that, in order to feel that they are on the same level as someone that they view as being superior to them, they either try to bring that person down to their level by using physical and emotion abuse OR they try to bring themselves up to that persons level by ACTING superior.




But, to answer your last couple of questions: I've never been a bully and I've never been bullied... I never ALLOWED anyone the power to make me feel like shit.

The few times when I was younger that someone TRIED to bully me, I either just laughed it off or, if things went too far (i.e., the potential bully got physical), I'd kick their ass.

 

[autymn]

Doctor Phil had an episode about this just a couple of days ago (yes, I watch Doctor Phil on occasion... )

One theory is that these "bullies" are so insecure and have such a huge inferiority complex that, in order to feel that they are on the same level as someone that they view as being superior to them, they either try to bring that person down to their level by using physical and emotion abuse OR they try to bring themselves up to that persons level by ACTING superior.




But, to answer your last couple of questions: I've never been a bully and I've never been bullied... I never ALLOWED anyone the power to make me feel like shit.

The few times when I was younger that someone TRIED to bully me, I either just laughed it off or, if things went too far (i.e., the potential bully got physical), I'd kick their ass.

Thank you for your answer I missed that episode of Dr.P and I am happy to hear that there is more then just myself that doesn't allow that or tolerate it from others.

 

[silverwhisper]

autymn: i think everybody has had a run-in w/ a bully at some point in their lives. :>

IMV, the reason that bullies become less problematic in life as people grow older (generally) is that we become more sure of ourselves and develop the awareness that a person's comments can only have as much power over us as we choose to give them.

how often does a friend of loved one try to pay you a compliment that you shrug off? it happens now & again for most people, i daresay. does this mean that your friend or loved one is not particularly insightful or otherwise not to be trusted? of course not: you just don't want to accept the compliment, for whatever reason.

with teens, it's different though, isn't it? still trying to work out how one interacts w/ people, how people prefer to be interacted with, and quite often, not sure of themselves.

JMHO.

ed

 

[EarnestImp]

A recent study shows that bullies are well adjusted and have high social status in their group.

Bullying is a way of elevating one's own social rank at the expense of another. And it works.

Can't find the reference. Thought it was BBC, but no luck.

 

[autymn]

autymn: i think everybody has had a run-in w/ a bully at some point in their lives. :>

IMV, the reason that bullies become less problematic in life as people grow older (generally) is that we become more sure of ourselves and develop the awareness that a person's comments can only have as much power over us as we choose to give them.

how often does a friend of loved one try to pay you a compliment that you shrug off? it happens now & again for most people, i daresay. does this mean that your friend or loved one is not particularly insightful or otherwise not to be trusted? of course not: you just don't want to accept the compliment, for whatever reason.

with teens, it's different though, isn't it? still trying to work out how one interacts w/ people, how people prefer to be interacted with, and quite often, not sure of themselves.

JMHO.

ed

I agree with you, the teens I can more understand just simply by having been one, and I started early on trying to instill in my own children the confidence they would need to get through those things. Alot of times though I listen to my sons friends and I can see their parents in them by the way they talk and act and still just have to shake my head sometimes.

 

[autymn]

A recent study shows that bullies are well adjusted and have high social status in their group.

Bullying is a way of elevating one's own social rank at the expense of another. And it works.

Can't find the reference. Thought it was BBC, but no luck.

Okay so for this it poses the question for me, What about all the popular well adjusted high social status people who got there without pushing people around?

 

[EarnestImp]

Okay so for this it poses the question for me, What about all the popular well adjusted high social status people who got there without pushing people around?

Well, these are the good well-adjusted people.

The bad ones bully people to get ahead.

Moral/Immoral is not necessarily correlated with Happy/Unhappy

But thinking back on my school days, a lot of bullying was done by wolfpack leaders to impress the rest of the group. The whole Lord of the Flies thing.

 

[autymn]

Well, these are the good well-adjusted people.

The bad ones bully people to get ahead.

Moral/Immoral is not necessarily correlated with Happy/Unhappy

But thinking back on my school days, a lot of bullying was done by wolfpack leaders to impress the rest of the group. The whole Lord of the Flies thing.

I can respect that
So what about adults? The co-worker that constantly ribs one person about their clothes? The night club where one person will rally a group to pick on strangers that are just there to unwind? I guess the question I pose, is why is this feeling of empowerment over another living soul so important?

If this sounds redundant I apologize I don't have the need to act in that manner towards people so I don't understand it. I tend to be the person that steps up and will put a stop to someone pushing around a person who can't/won't do it themselves.

 

[EarnestImp]

I can respect that
So what about adults? The co-worker that constantly ribs one person about their clothes? The night club where one person will rally a group to pick on strangers that are just there to unwind? I guess the question I pose, is why is this feeling of empowerment over another living soul so important?

I think it is because humans are hierarchical, and define themselves in terms of a pecking order. I think it is that simple. And I think that someone who establishes himself as a bully gains respect and rises not just over the bullied person, but in relation to the onlookers of the bullying as well. You don't mess with the top dog once you see him beat the stuffing out of an underling. And chicks like the top dog.

 

[autymn]

I think it is because humans are hierarchical, and define themselves in terms of a pecking order. I think it is that simple. And I think that someone who establishes himself as a bully gains respect and rises not just over the bullied person, but in relation to the onlookers of the bullying as well. You don't mess with the top dog once you see him beat the stuffing out of an underling. And chicks like the top dog.

LOL Okay

 

[phoenix1224]

A recent study shows that bullies are well adjusted and have high social status in their group.

I would agree that they have high social status - Seeing since the other kids are too afraid that they'd become a target themselves to NOT be the the bully's "friends".

However, I would have to totally disagree that they are "well adjusted" - A well-adjusted person does NOT elevate their social status at the expense of others... Someone who does THAT has some very deep-seeded emotional insecurities.

 

[phoenix1224]

I think it is because humans are hierarchical, and define themselves in terms of a pecking order. I think it is that simple. And I think that someone who establishes himself as a bully gains respect and rises not just over the bullied person, but in relation to the onlookers of the bullying as well.

I beg to differ.

NO ONE gains RESPECT through bullying/intimidation... All the bully earns is the FEAR of the others... Fear that, if they don't "befriend" the bully and don't go along with the "crowd", they'll become a target of the bullying themselves.

 

[autymn]

I would agree that they have high social status - Seeing since the other kids are too afraid that they'd become a target themselves to NOT be the the bully's "friends".

However, I would have to totally disagree that they are "well adjusted" - A well-adjusted person does NOT elevate their social status at the expense of others... Someone who does THAT has some very deep-seeded emotional insecurities.

Thank You !

 

[autymn]

I beg to differ.

NO ONE gains RESPECT through bullying/intimidation... All the bully earns is the FEAR of the others... Fear that, if they don't "befriend" the bully and don't go along with the "crowd", they'll become a target of the bullying themselves.

Do you think it's safe to say then that these are also the people who through life are easily offended by the smallest things ? I find alot of times people roll with the punches and then later on are steaming and brewing over what they allowed to occur because of some deep seeded fear.

 

[phoenix1224]

Do you think it's safe to say then that these are also the people who through life are easily offended by the smallest things ? I find alot of times people roll with the punches and then later on are steaming and brewing over what they allowed to occur because of some deep seeded fear.

I believe so.

Ever walk into a bar and accidentally bump into someone and respectfully apologize for it, only to have that person want to start a fight over it?

 

[silverwhisper]

phoenix: those are guys w/ issues, IMHO.

earnestimp: i second what was said about fear/respect.

ed

 

[SweetErika]

I have a teenager and I hear constantly the things that are done in the peer groups and it amazes me that people don't have conciences. It's not just teenagers, it's the work force, social groups, back stabbing friends. I see everyday through friends and family, media, just walking down the streets the devastation this seems to cause people. What I don't understand is why people do it ? What motivates a person to be so malicious or hateful ? Personally it doesn't bother me, I seem to be one of those people that can shake things off like that without it even phasing me, but then I have friends or family that call and are so upset because of something that was said to them with the sole intention of hurting them. What do people gain from this? What is it that can trigger a person to go on a violent rampage because someone said something unkind to them ? I don't buy the whole media television blame game, though I do believe it can influence feelings that are already there, but can they be blamed for ones actions? I don't know.
I would like some serious feedback, I know there will never be an answer to this but I really would like to hear what people have to say about it? Has it happened to you? Do you tend to tease people? Do you take things in stride or do you let them get to you? Do you defend people that it's happening to?

I agree with the idea inferiority theory, but I've also noticed bullies often have control issues. If they haven't been able to or can control what others do to them or themselves, they seek to control the emotions and reactions of others. I've seen it in children who have been abused/had really rough starts, those whose parents are out of control and react to their behavior unpredictably, and there always seems to be something out of control in the lives of adults as well (e.g. some kind of addiction, physical, or mental condition).

Does being a victim of bullying justify extreme reactions like hurting others? Usually not, but when someone is systematically abused/tormented over a long period of time or they have some underlying psychology that makes them less able to handle it, I think can mess with the esteem and brain chemistry enough to bring on a violent, unpredictable reaction, much like you would see in a battered spouse or abused child.

I was teased and bullied until High School, and I think there still quite a few scars today. Same with my husband. I haven't really noticed that behavior since, but I'm very careful about who I spend time with...if I have a "bad feeling" or hear someone talking bad about others (I'll usually stand up for that because it hurts me in a way), I'll stay as far away from them as possible. I can usually brush things off, but there are certain comments that reopen old wounds and feed my insecurities. It has taught me how to deal with people, self-reliance, and I will make damn certain no child of mine will treat others poorly.

 

[autymn]

I believe so.

Ever walk into a bar and accidentally bump into someone and respectfully apologize for it, only to have that person want to start a fight over it?

ummmmmm yep

 

[autymn]

I agree with the idea inferiority theory, but I've also noticed bullies often have control issues. If they haven't been able to or can control what others do to them or themselves, they seek to control the emotions and reactions of others. I've seen it in children who have been abused/had really rough starts, those whose parents are out of control and react to their behavior unpredictably, and there always seems to be something out of control in the lives of adults as well (e.g. some kind of addiction, physical, or mental condition).

Does being a victim of bullying justify extreme reactions like hurting others? Usually not, but when someone is systematically abused/tormented over a long period of time or they have some underlying psychology that makes them less able to handle it, I think can mess with the esteem and brain chemistry enough to bring on a violent, unpredictable reaction, much like you would see in a battered spouse or abused child.

I was teased and bullied until High School, and I think there still quite a few scars today. Same with my husband. I haven't really noticed that behavior since, but I'm very careful about who I spend time with...if I have a "bad feeling" or hear someone talking bad about others (I'll usually stand up for that because it hurts me in a way), I'll stay as far away from them as possible. I can usually brush things off, but there are certain comments that reopen old wounds and feed my insecurities. It has taught me how to deal with people, self-reliance, and I will make damn certain no child of mine will treat others poorly.

Very well put I appreicate Your imput on this I think we can all agree people that push around others and bully them are suffering from some sort of malfunction in the self esteem area or have some sort of dysfunctional background.

 

[autymn]

And I think that someone who establishes himself as a bully gains respect and rises not just over the bullied person, but in relation to the onlookers of the bullying as well. .

I am really going to have to disagree with this I for one have NO respect for a bully and no watching them knock the crap out of of someone they deem inferieor to themselves does NOT make me fear them I generally tend to hold them in contempt and have NO respect for them, but then again I am not in the business of looking for attention which I think this is a big part of a bullies attitude they have to be the center of attention. I agree with Sweet E. I think it's a control thing and when they feel they don't have control then they become out of control.

 

[silverwhisper]

so...bullies are just violent attention whores? you know, i find something deeply entertaining about that idea.

ed

 

[EarnestImp]

However, I would have to totally disagree that they are "well adjusted" - A well-adjusted person does NOT elevate their social status at the expense of others... Someone who does THAT has some very deep-seeded emotional insecurities.

By well adjusted I meant happy, content, socially satisfied. As opposed to their victims.

I don't think they need to have social insecurities. They just need to lack empathy and see bullying as a pragmatic method of improving their social standing.

I don't think cruel people need to be insecure, for the same reason that nice empathic people are not necessarily happy.

 

[EarnestImp]

I am really going to have to disagree with this I for one have NO respect for a bully and no watching them knock the crap out of of someone they deem inferieor to themselves does NOT make me fear them I generally tend to hold them in contempt and have NO respect for them, but then again I am not in the business of looking for attention which I think this is a big part of a bullies attitude they have to be the center of attention.

I feel the same way. But I remember incidents in high school when I would watch someone being bullied, and others would stand around laughing.

Here we go: http://www.purdue.edu/UNS/html4ever/9804.Hess.bullies.html

A study by a Purdue University expert on child development shows that boys who are bullies are not only accepted, but they can actually be among the more popular youngsters in school.....

 

[phoenix1224]

By well adjusted I meant happy, content, socially satisfied. As opposed to their victims.

I don't think they need to have social insecurities. They just need to lack empathy and see bullying as a pragmatic method of improving their social standing.

I don't think cruel people need to be insecure, for the same reason that nice empathic people are not necessarily happy.

But see, that's the thing. Bullies become bullies because they AREN'T happy, content, or socially satisfied.

Usually, bullies are abused either physically or emotionally (or BOTH) at home, which causes deep seeded insecurities in them (hell, you'd be insecure too if your mom/dad was constantly smacking you around and calling you all sorts of names) They feel powereless over this situation so, they look for someplace where they CAN have power - typically with their peers (or small animals... but that's an entirely different discussion).

And so, in order to feel powerful and superior to someone (because they're definitely made to feel inferior at home), they see someone that they feel inferior to (Why do you think that a large number of the children that are bullied are the "smart kids"?) and decide (at least subconsciously) to break that person down so that they have SOMEONE that they have power over.

It's all about insecurities, power, and (to an extent) revenge - They don't feel that they have the power to take revenge on who originally made them to feel insecure and powerless (usually their parents) so, they take out that revenge on someone else (a peer).