Talk my wife into re-activating her dormant bisexuality

[oni]

My wife was actively bisexual, growing up. I was a virgin, growing up. She was the first girl I ever even kissed, let alone had sex with (although that followed soon after). When we married, she decided to be monogamous, and not even consider going after girls anymore, which I felt fine about at the time, the remnants of my Christian upbringing were still clinging to me with some amount of strength.

Two years into the marriage, or last year, I started feeling attracted to guys. I consummated this attraction six months ago in a one-night stand, and really enjoyed it. But now what do I do? The best option I can think of is to return my wife to bisexuality so we can each enjoy a completely fulfilling love life without any unfairness. Life's too short to spend denying one's self happiness, but I don't like hurting people, emotionally or otherwise.

Please don't suggest the Springer show or "Just talking to her," I've considered and dismissed the first, and tried the second (tactfully and in a somewhat roundabout way, of course.) How do I get her back with girls, or what's a miracle solution I haven't considered yet?

 

[Lust Engine]

I don't understand how her bisexuality or anything in her past would justify YOUR actions. She married you and moved forward in her life. You obviously want the permission to go on and fool around WITH her blessing. Why are you using her past as an excuse to fool around? Admit it... you had an extramarital affair!!

There's no miracle to be found here. You say you didn't want to hurt anyone emotionally or otherwise but what was on your mind when you this affair OUTSIDE of your marriage? How selfish was that? Are you prepared to deal with the pain that you might've caused your wife?

Her past has no bearing on what you just did here.

 

[absentminded]

originally posted by Lust Engine

I don't understand how her bisexuality or anything in her past would justify YOUR actions. She married you and moved forward in her life. You obviously want the permission to go on and fool around WITH her blessing. Why are you using her past as an excuse to fool around? Admit it... you had an extramarital affair!!

There's no miracle to be found here. You say you didn't want to hurt anyone emotionally or otherwise but what was on your mind when you this affair OUTSIDE of your marriage? How selfish was that? Are you prepared to deal with the pain that you might've caused your wife?

Her past has no bearing on what you just did here.

ditto. If she knows about the affair and has forgiven you, then just flat out ask her if she has any desire to be with woman. If not, don't push it. If she doesn't know about the affair (I'm not really clear on that) then tell her. Don't push her into this just to make yourself feel better.

 

[hotNnasty]

I don't understand how her bisexuality or anything in her past would justify YOUR actions. She married you and moved forward in her life. You obviously want the permission to go on and fool around WITH her blessing. Why are you using her past as an excuse to fool around? Admit it... you had an extramarital affair!!

There's no miracle to be found here. You say you didn't want to hurt anyone emotionally or otherwise but what was on your mind when you this affair OUTSIDE of your marriage? How selfish was that? Are you prepared to deal with the pain that you might've caused your wife?

Her past has no bearing on what you just did here.

Ditto from me too.

Trollin' LE

 

[oni]

I don't understand how her bisexuality or anything in her past would justify YOUR actions. She married you and moved forward in her life. You obviously want the permission to go on and fool around WITH her blessing. Why are you using her past as an excuse to fool around? Admit it... you had an extramarital affair!!

There's no miracle to be found here. You say you didn't want to hurt anyone emotionally or otherwise but what was on your mind when you this affair OUTSIDE of your marriage? How selfish was that? Are you prepared to deal with the pain that you might've caused your wife?

Her past has no bearing on what you just did here.

Wow, you three are sure smart! Telling her I had sex with a guy would be the perfect thing to do, so as not to hurt her! She's perfectly pain-free not knowing, and all I have to deal with is not going after guys I'd like now. The only reason to tell her would be if I had a guilty conscience, which I don't.

Let me tell you the parable of the two cheating married guys: They went out with a girl that was going with a mutual friend. She and one of them got drunk, one of them didn't. They both went back to her apartment and did things that their wives wouldn't approve of.
The drunk guy felt very guilty and told his wife about it after he sobered up. She nearly divorced him, and although she didn't, they were both put into much pain and their marriage was never again the same. The sober guy knew exactly what he was doing all along, didn't feel guilty, and told no one. He and his wife lived happily ever after, since he was the only one that had to deal with his indiscretion. I ask you, my children: Which of these men was the most selfish?

And nothing in her past justifies anything I did, obviously. You didn't read the question. I'm looking to balance the future in a way that's fair to everyone, not "gain redemption" for what I did in some kind of self-invented homosexual cult offshoot of christianity.

 

[Noneyabizness]

I don't understand how her bisexuality or anything in her past would justify YOUR actions. She married you and moved forward in her life. You obviously want the permission to go on and fool around WITH her blessing. Why are you using her past as an excuse to fool around? Admit it... you had an extramarital affair!!

There's no miracle to be found here. You say you didn't want to hurt anyone emotionally or otherwise but what was on your mind when you this affair OUTSIDE of your marriage? How selfish was that? Are you prepared to deal with the pain that you might've caused your wife?

Her past has no bearing on what you just did here.

Amen, LustEngine! My thoughts exactly!

 

[Noneyabizness]

Wow, you three are sure smart! Telling her I had sex with a guy would be the perfect thing to do, so as not to hurt her! She's perfectly pain-free not knowing, and all I have to deal with is not going after guys I'd like now. The only reason to tell her would be if I had a guilty conscience, which I don't.

Let me tell you the parable of the two cheating married guys: They went out with a girl that was going with a mutual friend. She and one of them got drunk, one of them didn't. They both went back to her apartment and did things that their wives wouldn't approve of.
The drunk guy felt very guilty and told his wife about it after he sobered up. She nearly divorced him, and although she didn't, they were both put into much pain and their marriage was never again the same. The sober guy knew exactly what he was doing all along, didn't feel guilty, and told no one. He and his wife lived happily ever after, since he was the only one that had to deal with his indiscretion. I ask you, my children: Which of these men was the most selfish?

And nothing in her past justifies anything I did, obviously. You didn't read the question. I'm looking to balance the future in a way that's fair to everyone, not "gain redemption" for what I did in some kind of self-invented homosexual cult offshoot of christianity.

You say you don't have a guilty conscious, but that it not what it sounds like. It does sound as if you are trying to justify what you did by getting your wife involved with another woman. Why didn't you ask her what you wanted BEFORE having an affair with another person? If you did, I apologize, but that was not stated in your first post.

I think we all read the question....maybe you just didn't like the answers.

BTW, how "pain free" will your wife be if you bring her home a sexually transmitted disease? How will you explain it then? Even if you used condoms, they are not 100%.

Good luck to you.

 

[MissTaken]

I re read the post to be sure...

Does your wife feel your love life is missing something?

Is she truly bisexual or was it perhaps a phase she dabbled through? She may not have any cravings or desires in that direction.

Does she know that you hvae leanings toward bisexuality?

Perhaps, your love life could be given some spice just between the two of you for starters. Trying some new things. Engaging in some fantasy play, some kink in bits and pieces.

I found getting involved in kink opened my mind and changed my perspective. Perhaps it would do the same for her, perhaps not.

However, if she wants to be with women, that is great. Does she?

Also, bring her to lit.
It is it's own place of mental revelation and sexual openess.

 

[oni]

Re: I re read the post to be sure...

A non-knee-jerk answer! I can't thank you enough! I will try to introduce her to the lit boards.

I think she does feel something's missing, because we only have sex about once every 3-4 months. She blames it all on her medications (neurontin, geodon, zoloft) which I know can have an affect, but I don't think that's all there is to it.

I think bisexuality wasn't merely a phase for her, she had her first "girlfriend" (they would kiss each other, but not much more) at age seven, and her last romantic encounter with a girl in her late teens, a few months before we started dating.

She knows that I have a bit of a leaning in that direction, she's told me that she first liked me because she thought I was gay (I had no idea at the time). And she doesn't want to go near any type of sexual play that could lean toward bisexuality--She won't use a strap-on or dildo, she won't go anywhere between my testicles and my lower back even right after a good shower, and she doesn't even really like to be on top.

She told me once, when she was a bit more than buzzed, but not quite drunk, that she still had unrequited feelings for a straight friend of hers that she'd been best friends with since about age four. They started growing more distant when my now-wife let her know how she felt. I don't know with any certainty how that's affected her sexual development, but I could guess it's less than ideal for full, unrepressed sexual expression.

I am selfish. I'm not trying to make myself out to be any kind of saint here. But I want to happy, and that's easier when people I care about--and no matter what some of you may think, I do care--are happy.

Does your wife feel your love life is missing something?

Is she truly bisexual or was it perhaps a phase she dabbled through? She may not have any cravings or desires in that direction.

Does she know that you have leanings toward bisexuality?

Perhaps, your love life could be given some spice just between the two of you for starters. Trying some new things. Engaging in some fantasy play, some kink in bits and pieces.

I found getting involved in kink opened my mind and changed my perspective. Perhaps it would do the same for her, perhaps not.

However, if she wants to be with women, that is great. Does she?

Also, bring her to lit.
It is it's own place of mental revelation and sexual openess.

Oh, and great costume. I saw that thing at the store and almost bought it.

One more thing I forgot to mention--one of her previous boyfriend called her up at 3 AM on a Thursday night six months into their relationship, and said "I can't go out with you anymore, I'm gay." He never returned any of her clothes he'd borrowed. That might be a big part of her reluctance about mock-bisexual play between the two of us.

 

[lovechild27]

Here is a thought...maybe she doesnt want to be with girls anymore. That is why she stopped in the first place.

Your going to kinda have to talk to her if you want to see if she is interested at all in being with women. I think you want a real easy way out, and I dont think there is one.

 

[Chuckwrox]

Here is a thought...maybe she doesnt want to be with girls anymore. That is why she stopped in the first place.

That's a good thought. Maybe you should see if she wants a boyfriend.

 

[TheCyberPoet]

Ok, now that all the nay-sayers have had their piece, I guess it's my turn to chime in...

First and foremost, odds are she is so self-absorbed that she hasn't really considered the possibility of extra-martial affairs on her part, with males or females. Conversely, it is possible that she is already having an affair with another (male or female). Either of these reasons could readily be why your sex life is suffering with her. But both of those issues are neither here nor there. It could also be that she has a preconceived notion of what the definition of marriage is, and that automatically excludes her from thinking of others (do you remember exactly how your vows were worded? Foresaking all others?).

The secret to reanimating her bisexuality is communication (for those who have 'straight' girlfriends, the same applies to you). This may take months or even years. When you are out at the mall, grocery shopping or at a resteraunt, ask her to describe when women she finds beautiful, attractive, etc there. Then ask her to tell you what about them makes them attractive to her. Ask the hypothetical "If you were single, would you sleep with her? Why or why not?" You will be reinitializing a series of thought processes that will make her aware of those about her in that context. In the future, changing the wording to "If it was ok with me, would you sleep with her? why or why not?" After a while, the two of you will end up comparing notes about what you find attractive in other women... at that stage, your relationship is set for the serious conversation about sexual mores within the relationship and what fantasies each of you can pursue without destruction or damage to the relationship (and under what circumstances). Similiarly, you can use this technique in reverse with males to express your own interest in them sexually, which, with adequet time, will make her appreciate your bisexual tastes (if she can appreciate the concept at all -- some people can't for various reasons from their past).

As Heinlein wrote, many years ago (paraphrased): Generally speaking, it's not the spoken expectations that are broken and thus induce the end of a relationship, but the unspoken ones that are assumed by one party but not by the other.

And I agree that you should never, ever, ever mention your foray into bisexuality without your wife to your wife: while it will make you feel somewhat better for admitting it, it will introduce a world of pain and emotional hurt into her world that she doesn't deserve. Better that you simply punish yourself by going out of your way to be exceptionally sweet and supportive and loving to her above and beyond whatever level you might otherwise.

=-= The CyberPoet