taking the plunge

[Guest]

Hey, everyone!

With great trepidation, I am asking for feedback on a second person pov story that I have posted.

It is a very short piece. Short on dialogue, but, I hope, displaying significant relating beyond the sex.

Enough equivocating...

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=69156

Thanks for reading and responding.

b

 

[ronde]

Hi, BK

I liked the premise of your story, and your use of words is nice. The visuals you paint are clear, as are your descriptions of her feelings and thoughts. I got the feeling that this couple is very comfortable with their feelings toward each other, and that each knows the other very well. There's a little of the "lover's teasing" that wouldn't work otherwise. I hope that's what you intended.

On a critical note:

There are "I's" sprinkled liberally throughout the piece. I know from experience that this is difficult to control, but maybe try changing some sentences to eliminate them.

I found one sentence I would have written differently.

"I enjoy the slick movement of my hand over your cock, swirling my fist around your head. "

I think this would read better is written:

"I enjoy the slick movement of my hand over your cock, and swirl my fist around the head. "

I didn't find anything really grammatically incorrect.

All this said, I have to wonder why you decided to tell this tale in second person, present tense. Maybe it's just me, but it's difficult to get involved in a second person POV story. If this were just you, writing to just me, second person would be fine. Since this is a story written for my consumption as a reader who has never met you, it's hard to read you telling me what I did. Present tense is just plain difficult for me in any POV.

I have read your "Thanksgiving" series, and you write just as well in those stories. The difference is they draw me into the scene much more because I'm an observer, not an unwilling participant. I think this story would have been much better written in first person, past tense. I would have "heard" how she felt and "seen" what she did. I would have "seen" his reactions through her eyes. It could also be done well in third. In third person, I could have "heard" both their thoughts as well.

Sorry to slice and dice you like this. It reads worse than I intend the critisism to be, but you do write pretty well, and I hate to see your effort spoiled by the second person POV. Again, maybe it's just my own preference.

You proof well. I didn't find any spelling errors.

I did like the ending. It was cute, and I could see the security guard's face as he tried to keep from laughing.

Please don't let one opinion discourage you. You will undoubtedly find readers who absolutely love second person. It's just not my cup of tea. By all means, keep writing. I'm anxious to read your next.

 

[damppanties]

Hi b,

Nice story. I didn't have any problem with the POV but I did wish for more variety in sentence construction. There were too many sentences starting with either "I" or "you".

Apart from these grammatical quibbles, I enjoyed the story and it left with a nice feeling at the end.

Keep writing.

 

[PaulX35]

Thoughts on this plunge

Hi Bridget,

Reading your story, the first thing I'm inclined to say is that you should feel as comfortable taking this plunge as you plunged into that Jacuzzi.

I found the POV actually adding to the atmosphere. If used well, the combo with present tense further intensifies a feeling of really being inside this scene.
There are, of course, also disadvantages to this choice:

"You're getting pruney and need to get out," you tell me.

This direct speech followed by "you" gave me the feeling of a perspective being too forced, so you might want to consider a different way to handle this.

Others also commented already that the perspective easily draws you into using a lot of "I-" and "we-" lines. Sometimes it helps to make feelings or statements the subject of a sentence. A short thing like "Pleasure envelopes me." already creates nice variation, and your story could do with more of these. Judging from your talent in word choice and painting atmosphere, I'm sure you'll do well in that.

In general, I really liked your choice of words. It's not altogether easy to accurately paint this feel of innocent naughtiness that the story starts off with, but you do it well. Upon re-reading it, I also noticed that you managed to create a reader's impression of this being a very close couple with perfect mutual sensing without needing much direct speech, which would be the more obvious way to show that to the reader. My compliments for accomplishing that.

It may be just me as a non-native speaker, but one word left me with an odd feeling:
You drop your hand off of my shoulder and slide it between my arm and ribcage.

I found "ribcage" very un-sexy and not fitting in the atmosphere you managed to create so well. The Dutch equivalent is practically only used by butchers and open-heart surgeons, and that's not really what I'd love to see my readers think of, so you may want to consider a different phrasing here? There's plenty of sexy ways to describe what happens there, I'd say


Finally, your closing line.
He looks at me. "The echo isn't nearly as bad."

When reading it the first time, I somehow took it as you giving us an impression of the echo of the laughter of the man in response to what the security guard said. Then I realized the quotation marks, meaning it was the man commenting in speech on the echo in the "ladies". It's maybe just a twist of a non-native speaker, but I thought I'd feedback you on the way my first understanding worked here.

I will look forward to your next plunge. Good luck with your writing

Paul

 

[Guest]

thank you!

Thanks so much for the detailed and quick feedback!

Ronde-

I anticipated the response to the pov. Thanks for not hitting the back button, but sticking through it and giving me your opinion.

The teasing and sauciness were definitely a goal. I'm glad they worked.

I actually thought about rewriting in third and past tense, but wanted the spontaneity of present and the intimacy of first and second.

Noting the consistency of the feedback regarding sentence structure and pronoun choice, there will be variations in the future. (See, if forethought is engaged, the first person singular pronoun can be avoided)

I meant to change the "your" to "the" and missed it. Sorry.

DP-

Thank you very much. Concerns noted and will be applied to future endeavors.

Paul-

I orginally wrote the pruney comment as: You tell me that I am getting pruney and need to get out.

In striving to add dialogue I switched to the quote. I agree with you that the quote is forced.

You're right... "ribcage" is pretty anatomical. "Side" would have been a better choice.

I can rework the end line to be more obviously the guard's comments. Thanks for the fresh perspective. Reading and re-reading causes me to sometimes miss the forest for the trees.


Challenged and grateful,
b

 

[MaxSebastian]

Well, it's pretty good writing, I'd have to say - it keeps the reader's eye flowing along nicely, though there could be a little more description here and there possibly and I go along with what the others have said in the advice to avoid the 2nd person POV like the plague and ensure tense consistency.

You're obviously someone who can write, which puts you head and shoulders above some of the story-posters here. However, to risk controversy, my main criticism here is that your story wasn't really... well... a story.

Basically, it was a scene.

It was a good scene, but it was a scene. In my point of view, the next step for you to make the most of your clear talent is to come up with an actual story. You therefore need some characters with a little more depth, and then you need a few more scenes dealing with something that happens to those characters. Perhaps the first part of the story can be about some kind of problem or difficulty to be overcome, to be resolved towards the end.

Give characters some choices, some decisions to make, some problems to deal with and we'll find out more about them and we'll care more about them.

Of course this is only a fantasy, perhaps even something to provide some quick excitement for readers, but by producing a whole story, you could milk that excitement even more. Build up the suspense - we know something erotic is going to happen, but when, which characters will enjoy it, how can they get past the barriers standing in between them and pure bliss? Then when you've built it up a little, so the reader finds the characters irresistible and cannot wait for them to get into each other, you release the sex scene to end all sex scenes and the reader's suspense and frustration is satisfied to a much greater extent.

And then, of course, they want more.

You may not want to write any more with those characters, but it's always best leaving the audience begging for more. That's unlikely to happen when you write just one scene (unless you tap into a particular fetish of a certain reader, in which case you will get them wanting more, but that's another matter entirely).

Well, that was a fairly long way to say: more plot, more characterisation needed. But there's a lot of promise in there.


All the best,

Max

 

[PaulX35]

...However, to risk controversy, my main criticism here is that your story wasn't really... well... a story.

Basically, it was a scene.

It was a good scene, but it was a scene. In my point of view, the next step for you to make the most of your clear talent is to come up with an actual story. You therefore need some characters with a little more depth, and then you need a few more scenes dealing with something that happens to those characters. Perhaps the first part of the story can be about some kind of problem or difficulty to be overcome, to be resolved towards the end.

Give characters some choices, some decisions to make, some problems to deal with and we'll find out more about them and we'll care more about them.

Max,

I can see your point in general, and I do think many stories are in need of what you bring forward. But this one, or this type of story maybe, I think can do without it, provided you manage to paint the feel of it accurately, which I think bridget did very well. So it didn't really disturb me so see no character development. It's simply a lovely, sexy-bratty little story, and it makes a great read without a need for great depth.

Other than that, I do think bridgetkeeney possesses the talent to delight us with more in-depth erotic work, so let's tickle her into it, shall we?

Paul

 

[ozraven]

Hey, everyone!

With great trepidation, I am asking for feedback on a second person pov story that I have posted.

It is a very short piece. Short on dialogue, but, I hope, displaying significant relating beyond the sex.

Enough equivocating...

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=69156

Thanks for reading and responding.

b

I enjoyed it, short and sexy........

 

[Guest]

tickling...

Max-

I appreciate your comments regarding it being "just a scene". I like the word "vignette". I purposefully wrote it to be a snapshot of a fun moment in a couple's relationship.

While I may have not been successful, my hope was to focus the piece on the joy of the relating itself. Perhaps because I am really old-- 34-- and have been married forever-- 11 years-- I have found that the relating itself rather than the events are what I treasure.

Granted, I wanted the relating to include a healthy dose of hot sex, but the interplay of the couple-- sauciness to tenderness-- was what I wanted the focus to be.

And, that is why this is the story I chose for feedback. I want to know what the reaction to both the POV and the style of the piece is.

So, thank you very much for your response and being positive toward my writing ability. I am writing a story now that is grinding my emotions into little bits of dust. It may be more your cup of tea.

On a more technical note, I did not notice any tense inconsistencies... did I miss something?

Paul-

Made my day. Thanks for both sets of feedback.

I'm not ticklish, but I have actually posted a longer story.

ozraven-

thank you for your feedback... short and positive...

b

 

[Pookie]

Bridget

It is a cute, sexy story. You and I have already chatted about it and I think the statements made here by others hopefully confirm it. Most 2nd person stories seem to get under my skin easily, but you did a very good job with it.