tail between legs

[Angeline]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: tail between legs

i'm glad this thread deteriorated this quickly.

i was afraid i'd get trapped in a 19th century poetry-reading tent.

it's such a pain in the ass putting those wigs on.

Wigs were the 18th century. Unless you're in court.

 

[PatCarrington]

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Wigs were the 18th century. Unless you're in court.

smartypants.

i'm always in court. unless they make public brawling legal, i suspect that will continue.

nice hood.

 

[Angeline]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: tail between legs

smartypants.

i'm always in court. unless they make public brawling legal, i suspect that will continue.

nice hood.

You were in court for public brawling? lol.

And I thought you were such a gentleman.

I'm from the hood, you know.

 

[PatCarrington]

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You were in court for public brawling? lol.

And I thought you were such a gentleman.

I'm from the hood, you know.

i am a gentleman.

i only fight with men.

and you and i are from the same hood....but you knew that already.

 

[Tathagata]

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i am a gentleman.

i only fight with men.

and you and i are from the same hood....but you knew that already.

I used to be a gentleman
then i got married and now I only fight with women

 

[Angeline]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: tail between legs

i am a gentleman.

i only fight with men.

and you and i are from the same hood....but you knew that already.

Yep I do homie.



And Tath, remember what you told me about the Three Stooges? I thought of it when I saw your comment. <giggle>

 

[Tathagata]

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Yep I do homie.



And Tath, remember what you told me about the Three Stooges? I thought of it when I saw your comment. <giggle>

that is my goal you know
to subtly ( or vaguely) reintroduce stoogemania through subliminal messages in my poetry .

 

[annaswirls]

holy cow!

I read the post, go to work for 2 hours and think on what he said, and come back and this thread has totally deteriorated!

I do not want to argue with my friends, but I totally agree with the comment. I have to go back and get it.

 

[annaswirls]

quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Originally posted by annaswirls
I
Enola Gay’s out on display
safe behind rope and glass.
Inside cramped cockpit:
yellowed harness for holding heroes,
switches and knobs that click analog.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Nice poem but you have a problem: the first line is cute with it's internal rhyme but it is also strongly rythmic:- dit da dit da dit da dit da which the reader tries to apply to the second line and it fails bringing the reader to an abrupt stop; a bit like a gpf on your computer. One reboots the poem then reads through. If you insert a syllable in the second line the problem moves to the third etc. You may have to sacrifice the cute first line to make the poem work as free form or establish a working metre throughout.

Good luck

A

I thank you for pointing out to me what bugged me about the first verse in my poem. I could not figure it out.

You are right, I felt like I was tripped at the same place. I do not generally work with meter, I do not have an ear for it even after I practiced, so this one happened most likely by accident, and i did not know what to do with it.

As far as "Enola gay is on display"
Ange is right in that I did intentionally play light because to me it seemed so absurd to walk up to this machine.... behind glass, almost like an animal in a zoo, the main attraction. And then the weight comes.

But maybe it is too cute (I don't think I have had that adjective used for my poetry before.)

I have several things going on around my brain as far as how to work on this. And I will.

Again thank you for pointing this out. This kind of comment I appreciate-- as opposed to "you call this a POEM???"



A- I hope you stop by to read it again after I have worked on it some more. I have been working on this poem for almost a year, the first time I saw her. Trying to figure out where to go with it.


~jkv

 

[annaswirls]

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This reader didn't do that either.

Tath and Pat, thank you for your kindness but it is okay, I like the challenge that comes from someone pointing out a place(s) where my writing does not work for them.

 

[annaswirls]

Re: Re: Re: tail between legs

Perhaps because both of you know Anna and her style "enough" not to expect it? But la de da to all of that, fellas. There is no denying that, as an opening line, it does have a childishness to it that belies the depth of the piece. A slight rework of the phrasing wouldn't be too far outside Anna's ability and would avoid the problem ag is speaking of.

lol!

I agree champ, but this phrase just cracked me up

A slight rework of the phrasing wouldn't be too far outside Anna's ability

what a vote of confidence!



I think I can handle it, although I might have to really reach out there to grab something outside my potential!





In the first line, I really was trying for more of a cynical feel, or sarcastic maybe-- like oh look the killer of thousands! lets take a snapshot, here, get one with little Billy Jr!

thanks Champ, you never mince words.

~anna

 

[Tathagata]

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Tath and Pat, thank you for your kindness but it is okay, I like the challenge that comes from someone pointing out a place(s) where my writing does not work for them.

It wasn't kindness dear
I merely said that I had no problem with it.

Had AG said " in my opinion" however, that not only would have been a tad more polite, but it wouldn't have given the appearance of being a statement rather than an observation.
In which case I'd have had nothing to say.
Sorry for misunderstanding and intruding.

 

[annaswirls]

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yes, there is a denying that the opening line has a childishness.

i deny it.

i also see no problem to avoid, unless one chooses to read all poetry in a prescribed way.

i would agree anna would have no problem reworking the phrase, if she chose to, however.

thanks for the vote of confidence

as far as to change or not to change

I will sleep on it.

literally.

if my drool deletes the first line, I will change it first thing.

I think that the line invites the perception of childishness, definately, but it does not necessarily guarentee that interpretation.

 

[annaswirls]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: tail between legs

i'm glad this thread deteriorated this quickly.

i was afraid i'd get trapped in a 19th century poetry-reading tent.

it's such a pain in the ass putting those wigs on.

oh I first read this as wings!

I want to have a winged poetry reading in a tent

 

[annaswirls]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: tail between legs

It wasn't kindness dear
I merely said that I had no problem with it.

Had AG said " in my opinion" however, that not only would have been a tad more polite, but it wouldn't have given the appearance of being a statement rather than an observation.
In which case I'd have had nothing to say.
Sorry for misunderstanding and intruding.

whattya mean misunderstanding and intruding

I am lost

I trust your judgement, really I do! But you can't help it, your feet soak in kindness and it gets absorbed all the way up.

some people got their feet soakin in some funky cheese sauce

 

[PatCarrington]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: tail between legs

thanks for the vote of confidence

as far as to change or not to change

I will sleep on it.

literally.

if my drool deletes the first line, I will change it first thing.

I think that the line invites the perception of childishness, definately, but it does not necessarily guarentee that interpretation.

anna -

i think the invitation to the perception of childishness works perfectly -- seeing the plane there on first glance in all its apparent innocence, before settling into exactly what it is and did.

as far as the meter and sound, i think in this poem it is totally irrelevant.

 

[annaswirls]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: tail between legs

anna -

i think the invitation to the perception of childishness works perfectly -- seeing the plane there on first glance in all its apparent innocence, before settling into exactly what it is and did.

as far as the meter and sound, i think in this poem it is totally irrelevant.

sigh

okay


I am still putting it under my pillow.

 

[twelveoone]

Re: Re: tail between legs

The poem spoke for itself with or without the mistakes, the emotion and message remained clear, but I think when writing a historical poem a poet is responsible for being accurate. Inaccuracies could diminish the poet's credibility with the reader and that diminished credibility could affect the readers reaction to the poem.

The point is, not that the mistakes were made, but that you corrected them. I think it speaks well to the system of posting work and the commenting we have here. That process brought some things to light for you and in the spirit of improving your poetry, you revised your work.

Have you ever read Hiroshima by John Hershey? It is a short but powerful view from ground zero, something I thought of as I read the last few lines of your poem...


jim : )

Jim. if I may say so, the way anna's mind works, is she has a consistent ability to look for the relationship between A and B, this is the realm of artists, philosophers, poets, comedians, and conspiracy theorists, being at least two of the above, my main objection was the use of uranium began to take me in a different direction than one she intended. Depleted uranium shells are a problem, I began to think of that, the unindended consequences of war. Not
diminished credibility.
You are wise to give this advice, and you raise an interesting question. I am writing something based on Shackleton, most of the work parallels the record, some diverges. In this case I feel the need to put it in the notes field (because it so so close, and because I use references to it) But, suppose anna was alluding to the problem of depleted uranium in Iraq, how could she have done it in the context of this poem?

 

[twelveoone]

BTW. anna, pat, new av's are intense, almost frightened me, almost as much as the time I walked into a Boston bar and mentioned Babe Ruth.

 

[foehn]

mixed results

The poem motivated me to do a lot of independent Web research, which has had a fairly nice personal outcome, but a mixed one, once venturing beyond the purely personal.

At some point, this time, it occurred to me to check the time difference between where I was born, and Japan. I stopped celebrating my birthdays long ago, and referred to the date as "Hiroshima Day." Happily, I have discovered that when I was born, it was already August 7, in Hiroshima.

I also looked up the Nanjing Massacre, the Bataan Death March, the Wikipedia history of the dropping of the first atom bomb, the comparison of the power of the recent tsunami, in equivalency, to atomic weapons, how far away from the blast the Enola Gay was, what Robert A. Lewis (Tibbets' co-pilot) wrote in his log of the mission ("My God, what have we done?"), U. S. war casualties from the Revolutionary War to the most recent military effort, and casualties from other tsunamis and hurricanes or typhoons from 1800 to present. I also was able to ascertain, within reason, what nuclear weapons are still retained by national arsenals in Russia, China, France, Britain, and the United States. I read a number of posts on public bulletin boards full of errors. One poster said that the Nanjing Massacre exceeded the slaughter of millions of Jews by the Nazi regime, which is horribly false.

This is just a very abbreviated version of the depths I was moved to plumb. Beyond the comfort of no longer having to (really) refer to my birthday as Hiroshima Day, I'm left with a definite malaise, with regard to the ineffable heights of mankind's arrogance and ignorance, exceeded, if that were possible, only by the unexplainable mystery of the continuing existence of this species on the planet.

That a short, simple poem can do all this to me is, to me personally, a testament to its power.