Switching: Revisited

[MissTaken]

So, before entering into real time switching, I started a thread asking some questions.

Now, that I am there, does anyone wanna talk about switching?

I have more questions and insights.

So, after having found a wonderful head space that goes with topping a sweet lady, I have to say, that the sensations and feelings that go with topping are very different than my mental space when submitting.

For me, I am primarily submissive and my life partner will have to be a strong individual who can fill some of those needs created by my submission.

In the meantime, I am switching. For me, I don't believe that I would be able to switch within one relationship. However, I have proven myself wrong before.

So, if you switch, how did you explore or enter into switching?
If you are interested in switching, whether for yourself or by means of being interested in switching as an enigma etc, what do you find interesting, frustrating, perplexing, rewarding, confusing, fun or orgasmic?

 

[Ms_Lilith]

I never thought I was capable of domination. Then I played with Alexxa. Only online playing, though. She and I... it turned into me taking charge, and it was incredible... it only happened once though. Then I met my ex-girlfriend, and in our online and play sessions, I just found I was the more dominating one (she is rather shy). She brought out the wicked dominant in me... she brought out the desire to see her squirm, unable to cum until I allowed it, etc. And she submitted to me beautifully... it was almost natural.

That was how I discovered it. I am still much more comfortable in a submissive role, but I do enjoy dominating now and again.. though I can't see myself dominating a man. Can't explain it, it's just the way it is.

 

[Etoile]

I'm currently trying to work through my feelings of having enjoyed topping my Daddy (recently I was asked to, as Daddy switches very occasionally). I'm interested to keep reading this discussion.

 

[MissTaken]

I'm currently trying to work through my feelings of having enjoyed topping my Daddy (recently I was asked to, as Daddy switches very occasionally). I'm interested to keep reading this discussion.

I must have missed the update, but remember you being nervous about topping Daddy.

How did it go?
What did you enjoy, not enjoy?

And ya know what? It is okay to enjoy it. Really.

 

[MissTaken]

*snip*

That was how I discovered it. I am still much more comfortable in a submissive role, but I do enjoy dominating now and again.. though I can't see myself dominating a man. Can't explain it, it's just the way it is.

I can't see myself topping a man either, but as I move into this new place, there are moments when I might.

For me, it makes me wonder, if the sub male enjoys my topping them and I enjoy topping them, am I really topping or submitting?



So many perplexities!

 

[Netzach]

I switched because I was encouraged by my trainer, as a logical starting point in exploring sensation and technique.

Much to my surprise, I liked being a recipient. I liked painplay. I even liked serving someone I thought worthy of it, I just happen to have a very circumspect way with most Tops and take a lot of proving to.

Win me over though, and I'll let you mop the floor with me. Not many people are remotely in this league. Nor can any of them keep me there for long.

I have found, and am capable of finding, great pleasure in bottoming. A lot of the Tops I know also do, and a lot of them really don't care to have to explain this more or justify the occasional foray onto the other side. After all, I'm a Top, I can do whatever I want, dammit, even if what I want is not to Top.

I tend to frame it that way, anyhow.

My bigger sense of peace and equilibrium, a feeling of "gee I'm doing what I should be doing" and also a feeling of reaching my greater potential, is found when I top. I'm glad I can bottom, I think it chills me out, keeps me humble, and balances my Qi, however, if I couldn't control, Top, inflict, and run things I'd go starkers. In a nutshell.

 

[MissTaken]

I have to say, Netzach, I do enjoy your perspective.

It seems that you feel that as a Dominant, you believe it isn't only your role is to get whatever you want from your submissive, but to make him or her want to give you whatever you want.

The use of seduction is a wonderful tool, no?

 

[Netzach]

Well, yeah, that's a lot of what makes me tick.

Watching someone uncertain warm up to it enough to allow it...maybe dislike it but try it anyway...then maybe reject it....then, when I back off, two weeks later....ask for it again....then maybe a month later be begging for it.....

that, to me is incredibly hot, rewarding, unpredictable, but somewhat controllable, exciting, always fresh....

besides I can dish them crap about how much they hated it when they are at the begging stage, it's great humiliation fun.

 

[NemoAlia]

You know, I find that I sometimes get more aroused (although perhaps less ultimately orgasmic) if I have control of things -- especially in the planning process. I used to worry that this made me just a sub who was unwilling to keep her nose out of her Dom's affairs, but now I wonder whether this isn't a certain amount of switchiness coming through. As it turns out, my thrill in controlling things does extend far beyond the planning process. Sadly, it has only been once or twice (and not very recently) that I've had the chance to really come into my own.

 

[MissTaken]

Hmm interesting.

Honestly, teh feeling I get when Dominating in scene isn't always sexual arousal. Most times, it is a feeling of intense energy, a power surge, if you will.

There are times, when I am feeling sexual or aroused, for whatever reason and it is a wonderful feeling to simply say, "I want you to do....." and know that she loves doing it for me.

My point is actually that for me, Dominating isn't always and sometimes if not even remotely sexual.

 

[serijules]

I had written this post out on the original switching thread...and then decided not to post it there since the nature of that thread turned another direction that I didn't want a part of, so I posted it in my journal instead, but thought I would share it here...hope no one minds that this is reposted, so to speak.

When I first became involved in the lifestyle, I considered myself a switch. I had topped people and bottomed to people and I enjoyed both, one more so than the other; I soon found out that was not only common, but perfectly acceptable.

As my submissive side grew stronger through experience and understanding, what I had considered to be my dominant side grew weaker. I still enjoy topping someone but I found out that it is the action, the physical aspect of topping that I enjoy...but not the mental at all. I don't like someone looking at me as a person that is controlling them, I didn't like the expectations of dominance that came with being considered a Domme. I have huge performance anxieties when I know the bottom I am topping wants my demeanor to be demanding and dominant. Those are feelings and desires that I understand very well as a bottom, and having them directed towards me as a Top was very intimidating. It just wasn't me, it was like putting on an ill fitted piece of clothing. It fits in a way, but it isn't comfortable.

However, I still enjoy spanking and giving someone sensation. So what does that make me? I don't need a label to define it but it does make it hard sometimes because I find that most bottoms I play with want or need at least a few ounces of dominance in the person topping them, and I don't have very much. Occasionally I find someone that understands that I simply enjoy giving sensation and playing with toys, learning how to use them, seeing their reactions...and that is as far as it can go. I have no interest in controlling them or giving them orders or dominating them. My attitude will likely stay very nuetral or even submissive, even if my actions are not.

Thus...I no longer consider myself a switch or use this label. I have always stood by the opinion that labels are limiting, but for the sake of communication and clarity they have valuable uses. The use of the label switch when introducing my desires and choosen role confuses many people and often puts me in positions that I don't want to be in. So now I leave that tidbit of information for those that know me well to discover in time. Yes, I will switch on occasion, but I don't consider myself a switch.

I know from my own limited experience that being an active switch in the lifestyle can be a huge challenge though. You have to deal with people that have the "you are not a TRUE dominant/submissive" attitude, or those that brush you off as indecisive and flighty because you 'can't find your role and stick to it.' There are many subs I've run into that have the opinion that if their Dom has ever switched or has any bit of desire to do so, that they are not "dominant" enough for them. There is a lot of negativity and judgment that goes with the role, and I find this rather unfortunate.

Some of the best play partners I've ever had are switches, and are wonderful in both roles. They seem to have a deeper understanding of their partners' feelings and often are more sensitive to the insecurities that their partner may be feeling. Not that a non-switch does not have this understanding, but it is my opinion and experience that it is more fine-tuned in those that have been active switches for the better part of their involvement in the lifestyle.

The emotions that go with switching can often be very conflicting. I really admire those that can and do switch on a regular basis, I feel it takes a lot of strength to embrace those desires and make them work for them. As a bottom, watching someone that is dominant in our relationship bottom to someone is a wonderful experience. Knowing they are secure enough in their role that allowing me to be present when they switch roles and their security in that it won't affect their dominance over me, is a very powerful thing. It takes a lot of self-security to do that, and I imagine that someday once my own self-confidence and self-security strengthens, being a switch on a regular basis and with a dominant demeanor is something I could handle and desire.

 

[FungiUg]

... does anyone wanna talk about switching?

I have more questions and insights.

Is there a particular kind of tree that makes the best switches? I've often heard of "peach switches". Do other types of trees make good switches also?

 

[sarah thorne]

oh wow....~waves~ HI SERIJULES!! a familiar name on this huge, huge site! woooo-hooooo....

anyway....I am with seri on this a bit as far as concept. My 'Daddy' enjoys the occasional switching but is in no way a switch by label(nor am I). I have yet to do that for him mainly because I am unsure of myself more than anything else.

There are some, I have found on another site, who insist that if you are 'on the bottom' at all, even if it's only 1% of the time, then technically you are a switch. A theory I disagree with myself.

sarah

 

[Master Bill]

So, before entering into real time switching, I started a thread asking some questions.

Now, that I am there, does anyone wanna talk about switching?

I have more questions and insights.

So, after having found a wonderful head space that goes with topping a sweet lady, I have to say, that the sensations and feelings that go with topping are very different than my mental space when submitting.

For me, I am primarily submissive and my life partner will have to be a strong individual who can fill some of those needs created by my submission.

In the meantime, I am switching. For me, I don't believe that I would be able to switch within one relationship. However, I have proven myself wrong before.

So, if you switch, how did you explore or enter into switching?
If you are interested in switching, whether for yourself or by means of being interested in switching as an enigma etc, what do you find interesting, frustrating, perplexing, rewarding, confusing, fun or orgasmic?

coming out as a switch seems to agree with you ....... i am not a switch never have been and never will be ..... but for those who want to switch have a great time and be your best ...... those of you who just want to stay Master/Top , sub/slave thats great also i wish you all well in your role what ever you choose ....... Master Bill

 

[sarah thorne]

I have found, and am capable of finding, great pleasure in bottoming. A lot of the Tops I know also do, and a lot of them really don't care to have to explain this more or justify the occasional foray onto the other side. After all, I'm a Top, I can do whatever I want, dammit, even if what I want is not to Top.

I tend to frame it that way, anyhow.

My bigger sense of peace and equilibrium, a feeling of "gee I'm doing what I should be doing" and also a feeling of reaching my greater potential, is found when I top. I'm glad I can bottom, I think it chills me out, keeps me humble, and balances my Qi, however, if I couldn't control, Top, inflict, and run things I'd go starkers. In a nutshell.

This is sooooo true! And exactly what my own Top tends to say. He bears the mindset that all Tops should be on the 'other side', even if it's just once, so that they are more able to relate to the position that they are nurturing in their bottoms.

sarah

 

[serijules]

Quick hijack here to welcome sarah thorne, nice to see you here, and nice to see a familiar name as well

 

[LisaFunOne1]

Re: Re: Switching: Revisited

Is there a particular kind of tree that makes the best switches? I've often heard of "peach switches". Do other types of trees make good switches also?

three cheers to you, FungiUg
when i was younger it was always hickory...... but if youve got access to a rosebush those work well....... remove the thorns first tho.

now back to the other kind of switching... when i first started thinking about getting into the lifestyle, i thought i was a switch. having submitted, id have to say i am not. however, now ive got an opportunity to Top a male friend of mine..... so i have no idea.

 

[amsubone]

i really have limited experience, but this thread is helping me to understand some things about me. Thanks!! i started out as a bottom in a relationship and was fairly content although i didn't know if it was my lack of experience or something else that seemed to be lacking. The relationship ended and as i've found myself with other partners i'm beginning to realize that i like the feeling of power that comes from control, which i don't really see as topping.

Anyway, there seems to be a plethora of feelings and thoughts that i am working through and this thread has been helpful.

 

[evesdream]

uh oh, switch-chic is on the horizon.

I've only ever topped someone because he wanted it, And I could get into topping a male or female 3rd party if it pleased someone else, or under the direction of that someone else - enjoying topping as a submissive sort of experience.

I've had thoughts of full on "switching" but it's always very negatively driven so I'm not sure if it's the real-switching or just PMS overdrive.

I know I would have to adore and love someone, to do to them things I wouldn't want done to myself (which would be the most enjoyable topping experience for me) and still respect them. Probably projection of some sort.

 

[evesdream]

The thread killa!

There was a lot covered in this and the other switch discussion as well, but maybe there is room for more exploration of this topic?

There is the aspect of seeing multiple sides of it. hmm. I have looked at it from my side, their side, other participants side, and non-participating observers sides, all in a virtual imaginary sense of course. From the top, bottom and switch sides.

I think that subs see subness from their pov and while subbing, step outside themselves and imagine it from the dom pov. Could the same be said for the dom, in reverse?

 

[FungiUg]

I cannae do it, Jim!

Dammit Jim, I'm a dominant, not a submissive!

...nope. Can't. I just end up falling about laughing.

Oh well. So the only switching for me is using a branch on a handy bottom... mmmmm....

 

[evesdream]

weeell, in the face of the born-to-be dom testimony of some, I actually have a pet theory that about 90% or more of us would prefer to be submissive. But we can't find or don't know how to create suitable dominants, so we have to take charge or give up on that kind of power exchange. I am thinking this is true in other parts of life too.

For instance, if you have a great, strong, smart boss who can help you work for her efficiently and effectively, you are happy to submit. If your boss is a dolt who can't find his way through an alphabetized file cabinet, you can't stand the idea of doing what he says.

If a parent cares for his child and shows the child that he's looking out for the kid in all ways and has things under control, the child will be obedient. If the parent shows that he hasn't got clue one about what's going on or about how to help the kid become a human, how can he expect that kid to give a rip about what he thinks the kid should do?

Even a bossy waitress can be a very good thing: she says, "I'm going to take your dining experience in hand, trust me and I'll make it good for you." The diner submits. If the meal and service are great, what satisfaction! If the waitress sucks, though, you feel like, "get out of my way, I'll go fetch my grub myself."

Etc. My point? Most people can be both ways. The pleasure of someone competent being in charge makes you swoon. The frustration of an incompetent top makes you take matters into your own hands.

 

[Netzach]

I actually kinda buy into this theory to a degree. I'm a self-made woman in a roundabout and interesting way. I consider myself a Sado-narcissist. I try to become the kind of Top I'd want for myself, there's no doubt about that.

I feel a lot, I mean a LOT of identification with my bottoms. When I bottomed more actively, and more fequently, I was a butch bottom, a boy or "boi" for cyberchic differentiation. (see Etoile's stellar parenthetical explanation of Daddies, now think of that person's bottom counterpart.)

I never found the right Top. Some good Tops had moments with me, trust me, windows into the kinds of experiences I longed for, some of them touched the right spots and even spots I didn't know I had. All said and done though, it wasn't *feeding* me, it was missing something.

I realized then that no actual Top was going to do for me what I needed to do for myself, that the archetype was in my head to guide me in *his image* and no actual human was ever going to be given enough respect and latitude to do that job. Me, bottoming outside a scene or two...is not FAIR to a Top.

Then, like all good gay leather porn when the boy/bottom has lost his Daddy and life is bleak...in walks the boy that changes his world. A boy walked into mine, and my hard-femme Top self pushed my internal boy off stage for good.

Question back atcha:

Ok, maybe in a perfect world I'd be a submissive. Mr Benson would kidnap me and never check my pants to make sure I was male.

But why would this arrangement that I'm in feel so damn good?

I think if the perfect Leatherdaddy came to my doorstep now I'd wave him away, tell him he's too damn late, I've a boy of my own now, and I actually like to wear makeup again.

Was it just a stage I'm goin' through?

I think maybe it was. I think for some of us, submission happens precisely *because* it paves our way as Dominants.

 

[Quint]

I haven't had as much experience Topping as I'd like, actually--but not with T. I have no desire to control him or any male; I'm just not wired like that. But show me a petite little girly thing and I'll use her just the way I want to be used. Very much the "I know what I want and I want to do it to someone else" type of Top. But in my circuitry, males just aren't meant to be dominated in my vicinity.

There are few females that I unquestioningly say I'd love to submit to, as well, but there are some. They're usually very scary women. The girls I'd love to Top are all ones I'd have to lead into the field, "break in" so to speak. I need to meet more of both.

 

[MissTaken]

I haven't had as much experience Topping as I'd like, actually--but not with T. I have no desire to control him or any male; I'm just not wired like that. But show me a petite little girly thing and I'll use her just the way I want to be used. Very much the "I know what I want and I want to do it to someone else" type of Top. But in my circuitry, males just aren't meant to be dominated in my vicinity.

*snip for brevity*

I do feel this way when I am topping. I dont' believe I could top a male. They naturally, recieve a bit of deference from me, especialy in personal relationships. IN personal relationships, I have always submitted to men.

I do believe that if I had explored my bisexuality prior to becoming involved with BDSM, I would be saying, "I naturally am in control when it comes to women." I can still say that, as it is true in my non BDSM life circle.

Knowing how what I am doing feels to her seems to add a different perspective for her as well as compared to her experiences with Dominant men. But, I imagine that could be said of women engaging in vanilla sex, as well.