Switching between dominant/submissive or top/bottom

[Eager2TRYRU]

Switching between dominant/submissive or top/bottom

I wanted to start a thread where people could discuss their thoughts and feelings of having transitioned from having one strong sexual preference (dominant/submissive or top/bottom) to the opposite sexual preference.

What lead you to "break the mold" and try something so different from your past behaviors?

Was it a positive or negative experience?

How did trying the opposite preference impact your enjoyment of your original preference?

I've seen brief discussions of this topic on other, non-related threads and thought that it deserves a stand-alone thread.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Good idea for a thread!

I switch up all the time, even in the middle of scenes. But I know there are posters here who really had to stretch, to make a switch-- how did it happen, how did it feel?

 

[DarkRefuge]

Asking for clarification

Are you looking for people who 'used to be' Dom/Sub but now turned into Sub/Dom? Or are you looking for people who are natural switchers and enjoy both sides of the game on a regular basis. People who can be Dom one night and Sub the next?

 

[Redkate]

Although I'm never really a 'Domme', if I'm not with a guy who is dominant I am usually the one topping. I just don't enjoy it as much.

 

[Netzach]

I came into the whole thing wanting to be Domme, but realizing that I was 23 and should probably just absorb a whole ton of shit whenever possible. I advocate this as the way to go for everyone, or at least WAY MORE people than seem to bother being patient with it. Everyone who's read 50 shades knows everything about her needs now, which are the ones in the book of course - it's going to suck going forward.

I was a 50/50 switch, with my bottom half as a fairly developed crossdressing male persona (I had 2 inch hair and 28 pants at this point and could go either way convincingly.) Exploring masculinity and submission = very interesting. Led to exploring masculinity + Dominance a little, too.

While I was cognizant that I was a switch, I only PLAYED as a bottom for about a year. That just felt like the right way to go about it for me. I guess I don't really fit the mold of the question, but in a way I spent about a year playing exclusively against my identity, in an effort to figure out what my identity really was and was not.

Yes I've bottomed as a girl, also, which was 99 percent of the time fairly pointless after the first time. That first dude KNEW what he was doing, that was nice. The rest was - fun but meh. Novelty and all that. But the sparkle of conversion always burns bright in the eyes of the BDSM community heteros, and frankly women are almost as bad with anyone presenting femme, so I've become very insular, simply because having yourself seen as communally owned in some way gets very old. I insist on being paid for that feeling.

Figuring out that I didn't as much want to be a boy as have that boy and figuring out that I more or less always want to be in control wasn't exactly a revelation or rocket science but it sure was fun.

I label Domme because it's good shorthand - with only T as my exception and at that it's an exception about 20 percent of the time.

If I could never ever bottom/sub again to anyone, I'd be OK. Top/Dom? No, I would not be OK.

For me, it felt great, it felt like growth, it vindicated my hunches about myself, but much fucking fun was had while doing that and even more was learned about myself and submissives. It's not just accidental that psychodynamics are the meat of my art form as a Top, I know because I've felt it, tried it, got away with it, wished I hadn't. I'm in a good place in terms of identity - the real battle for me is in integrating my sexuality and my daily grind - THAT is work.

 

[Madraykin]

I'm really glad you started this thread; this is something I've been thinking about quite a bit lately.

I'm going to stick to just talking about the sexual aspect of D/s here, because the relationship aspect is a bit more complicated, and I wouldn't really call my current relationship a real dom/sub one anyway.

My partner now is the first person I've ever been submissive to, and although I wouldn't call what I was doing before D/s, I did tend to play the more dominant role. In some cases I topped, in that I was the one 'doing unto,' encouraging my partner to try new things and challenging what they thought their limits were. And when I bottomed I was asking for the things I wanted done to me. This was especially true with the few girls I played with - I was aggressive and forceful, to the point where it unnerved me a little. And although I did have fun, I also felt unfulfilled, and wondered why I always had to be the kinkier one, the hornier one, the one always initiating things. Looking back I realize I was playing out the role of the man I wanted to be with, or maybe I kind of knew that along, I don't know. I can definitely relate to Netzach in that regard, even though the roles are reversed.

Anyway, for a while I took a break from sex and dating and all that and then I befriended my current boyfriend who told me he was a dom. The funny thing is that in our earliest conversations about BDSM I told him that, contradictory to his own opinions on the matter, I figured myself more of a domme type based on my previous experiences. But then the first time I was with him I fell into the sub role almost immediately. I remember it being very intense and a little scary, but also very right and somehow natural, like some missing piece I wasn't aware of had fallen into place. And then later, when I was able to think rationally again I was confused and completely unsure of everything I thought was true about my own sexuality. It was definitely a positive experience overall, but it required a lot of soul-searching, research, and re-defining myself to get to that 'A-HA! It all makes sense now!' point,

Recently we started talking more about my past experiences, and he said he'd love to see me in that dominant role sometimes. But the idea makes me really uncomfortable. I explained to him that that was just me being inexperienced and trying to figure things out, combined with the fact that I typically seem to attract guys who are submissive themselves (I don't exactly fit the stereotype of 'submissive girl' in my daily life). I really can't imagine playing that dominant role with him, and ended up telling him I couldn't do it, at least not now.

On that note, I'd be curious to hear from those of you who identify as switches, or anyone who might offer advice, how do you do it? How do you switch roles when you've become acustomed to seeing a person in just that one light? There's also the fact that I'd feel very awkward and insecure topping him because my little domination games of the past were just that - clumsy, silly stuff that could in no way compare to what he is able to do to me, or what any real domme could do.

 

[Netzach]

I'm really glad you started this thread; this is something I've been thinking about quite a bit lately.

I'm going to stick to just talking about the sexual aspect of D/s here, because the relationship aspect is a bit more complicated, and I wouldn't really call my current relationship a real dom/sub one anyway.

My partner now is the first person I've ever been submissive to, and although I wouldn't call what I was doing before D/s, I did tend to play the more dominant role. In some cases I topped, in that I was the one 'doing unto,' encouraging my partner to try new things and challenging what they thought their limits were. And when I bottomed I was asking for the things I wanted done to me. This was especially true with the few girls I played with - I was aggressive and forceful, to the point where it unnerved me a little. And although I did have fun, I also felt unfulfilled, and wondered why I always had to be the kinkier one, the hornier one, the one always initiating things. Looking back I realize I was playing out the role of the man I wanted to be with, or maybe I kind of knew that along, I don't know. I can definitely relate to Netzach in that regard, even though the roles are reversed.

Anyway, for a while I took a break from sex and dating and all that and then I befriended my current boyfriend who told me he was a dom. The funny thing is that in our earliest conversations about BDSM I told him that, contradictory to his own opinions on the matter, I figured myself more of a domme type based on my previous experiences. But then the first time I was with him I fell into the sub role almost immediately. I remember it being very intense and a little scary, but also very right and somehow natural, like some missing piece I wasn't aware of had fallen into place. And then later, when I was able to think rationally again I was confused and completely unsure of everything I thought was true about my own sexuality. It was definitely a positive experience overall, but it required a lot of soul-searching, research, and re-defining myself to get to that 'A-HA! It all makes sense now!' point,

Recently we started talking more about my past experiences, and he said he'd love to see me in that dominant role sometimes. But the idea makes me really uncomfortable. I explained to him that that was just me being inexperienced and trying to figure things out, combined with the fact that I typically seem to attract guys who are submissive themselves (I don't exactly fit the stereotype of 'submissive girl' in my daily life). I really can't imagine playing that dominant role with him, and ended up telling him I couldn't do it, at least not now.

On that note, I'd be curious to hear from those of you who identify as switches, or anyone who might offer advice, how do you do it? How do you switch roles when you've become acustomed to seeing a person in just that one light? There's also the fact that I'd feel very awkward and insecure topping him because my little domination games of the past were just that - clumsy, silly stuff that could in no way compare to what he is able to do to me, or what any real domme could do.

T is one of my playmates with whom I switch. It's hard to explain that dynamic really. He's passive about things unless and until I throw the cue, and if I want to re-assert myself the option is always there. I am in complete control of my non-control, but I will also do whatever he wants while I want to do that. It's not service top, because he likes it enough and brings ideas to the plate and doesn't have to be instructed - but it's not an expression of his natural dominance either, because I still have to hand out an invite. I think that if I could catalog any and all of his sexual thoughts of me, about 20 percent of them might involve me being at his disposal and the rest the reverse or straightish fucking.

In your case, as I see it:

If he wants it badly enough, he is responsible for elaborating what that means. We get off planning and fantasizing about possible games as much as we do playing them. Almost.

I have to say it. I have to brave the murky waters of saying "please spank me." For me that's not topping from the bottom, that's going out on a pretty serious limb, and it's titillating in this context. So if he wants it, he might have to really want it enough to be explicit.

If you don't think your experiences have any value to bring to the table, you're not in a confident place with this. Why are your experiences clumsy and silly? What do you think a "real domme" has as her toolkit other than experiences gained over time?

Why does he have to change into a different person just because you're doing things to him? Don't do roles, don't do anything, just cover his eyes and do things to him. Do those stupid sensation play things that everyone does their first time out, because they're not stupid when you're involved with one another and curious about one another.

Does he turn you on? He should still manage to turn you on. See what kinds of reactions you get and enjoy them for what they are. Learn about him. You'll still respect him in the morning.

 

[Madraykin]

Thank you so much, Netzach, for your response. I always find your posts really fascinating and informative and this one was no exception. I don't want to derail the thread too much by responding to everything you suggested, but I will say I now have a much better perspective on the whole thing.

You've given me a lot to think about. Thanks again

 

[Eager2TRYRU]

I'm sorry not to comment in so long, real life has been very hectic.

It's strange to me that so many of the threads I've read include a random comment or two from someone mentioning going from Dom to Sub, top to bottom... but I've never seen a thread devoted to it. It's also the subject I receive most PMs about.

I really identified with Madraykin's comment "why I always had to be the kinkier one, the hornier one, the one always initiating things." How many times I had that thought... and how many times I wondered if I'd ever have sex with someone my equal in terms of kinkiness, willing to try stuff, etc. Don't get me wrong, especially years ago my "kinky" was still very vanilla but it was wild compared to friends stories about their spouse(s).

I was born in the midwest, grew up in the 70s and 80s and it seemed like what society expected was that men were in charge, dominant in the household and sexually, and anything outside of that "norm" was frowned upon.

I remember in high school being in the showers after a game (football I think, or basketball, I'm not sure) where the talk was a friend's date with one of the easier girls in school. He got laid, but the memorable part of the story was that this high school girl dared to tongue his asshole. He was so upset he basically pushed her away, quickly had sex with her and left, and, of course, made sure that we all knew about what a "freak" she was. Within days she was the only "easy" girl who could not get a date. Good, old fashion Midwestern values where women didn't have those types of thoughts and ideas of their own.

I never shared those ideas. I always looked for an equal partner emotionally and sexually, always encouraged my partners to initiate, share desires, fantasies, etc.. but even though I've been with my share of women, most seemed reluctant to take charge in the bedroom even when I expressed how exciting it would be for me. Most of the fantasy requests I received was me holding them down, being forceful, ripping off clothes, etc. Even girlfriends that lasted months/years never seemed close to wanting to be in control.

Even after I married my wife for those first few years the roles stayed true to my sexual history. Eventually though she started to show flashes of control underneath. (To backtrack briefly, I've always been the type of guy that wants the woman to come first. The sex is better, and I truly enjoy giving pleasure as much (usually more) than receiving.) One of my favorite things to do has always been to get my partner close to orgasm and then back off... then get her close again... and back off... to see how close I can keep her... and she how hard she'll cum. I love feeling a woman's body quivering, so close to orgasm, so close but knowing that I would control when she would finish. Most of the time I would keep her there for a few minutes, maybe wait for a "please let me cum" or a little begging, but this time, as I'd been keeping her on the edge for 10 minutes or so, she reached down, grabbed the back of my head and began furiously rubbing her soaked clit against my face. Her grip was surprisingly strong... it would have taken every bit of my strength to break free. Of course, breaking free was the last thing I wanted. It was so exciting as she held me there, using my mouth and tongue to please her and her hips bounced up and down to one furious orgasm, and then another, and then another. The last time she squirted all over my face.

As she relaxed her grip and we both looked at each other. We had that "that was so freakin' amazing" look in our eyes and within seconds our love-making was hotter than ever. For days my thoughts were... so that is what's it like to not be in control... so that is what it's like to not be the one who has planned everything... for the first time in my life I felt like I was in bed with an equal. And it was exhilarating. It was one of the first steps that would lead me into an entirely new world of sexual fulfillment.

 

[Eager2TRYRU]

Recently we started talking more about my past experiences, and he said he'd love to see me in that dominant role sometimes. But the idea makes me really uncomfortable. I explained to him that that was just me being inexperienced and trying to figure things out, combined with the fact that I typically seem to attract guys who are submissive themselves (I don't exactly fit the stereotype of 'submissive girl' in my daily life). I really can't imagine playing that dominant role with him, and ended up telling him I couldn't do it, at least not now.

On that note, I'd be curious to hear from those of you who identify as switches, or anyone who might offer advice, how do you do it? How do you switch roles when you've become acustomed to seeing a person in just that one light? There's also the fact that I'd feel very awkward and insecure topping him because my little domination games of the past were just that - clumsy, silly stuff that could in no way compare to what he is able to do to me, or what any real domme could do.

As someone who does identify as a switch I'll try respond to this next time I'm on. The part I did want to reply to quickly is that I've dated socially and professionally strong, dominant women but in the bedroom they all were very submissive. My wife, who has become an amazing dom... is considered shy and quiet by most people. Of course she says, "wait until they get to know me."

 

[knot_sweet]

Oddly enough, I've always been the more dominant partner in any vanilla relationship but I started out as completely submissive in all BDSM relationships. It never crossed my mind to top or switch. I was a very happy sub, although I did struggle with topping from the bottom, even if only in my head.

It didn't start to change for me until a few years ago with my now ex partner. We started out as Dom / sub, but after a short time he encouraged me into a service top role.
I discovered a wide dominant streak. That didn't come as a surprise to my ex at all, who as it turns out was happier as a toppy bottom as opposed to dominant.

We are no longer together. Amongst other reasons, our dynamic shifted too far for either of us to be truly comfortable as we have very different ideas about how D/s works.

My new partner has, until now, been vanilla. I consider myself very lucky that he is an enthusiastic learner.
He's equally happy on the top or the bottom. We don't get wrapped up too much in the Dominant / submissive labels or roles. Usually we just go with whatever is the most fun in the moment.

In a nutshell, I am now a very happy kinky person. I can be submissive, or dominant and both those sides still need to be fulfilled from time to time. But mostly I just play for the sheer fun of it. And I'm lucky to have found someone who wants to play with me.

 

[Eager2TRYRU]

Just a bump before this thread drifts into oblivion.

 

[lildee]

Not switched, but toe dipped

I've always been very much on the submissive side of things, both in fantasies and real life, for as far back as I can remember. Not in a "lifestyle" way, I don't need or want a boss. But I always liked to be subservient, done rough, tied up, that whole theme. As far as sex goes that is. And I preferred older men, they were a better fit than boys my age.

Then a few years ago I had a bit of a fling with a younger boy and he wanted me to take charge. He was surprisingly knowledgeable about it, he'd had a faitly long series of encounters with an older woman - older for him anyway - who had shown him the ropes, to coin a phrase.

So I went along with it and, after not having had a dominant thought enter my head in my whole life, I was quite surprised to find how much I enjoyed it. And after we parted ways I didn't seek any more gigs like that, I didn't 'switch', but I look back on it fondly and some stories and pictures along those lines can be quite arousing for me, which they never were before.

 

[englishgent73]

Whilst I confess to not being in the lifestyle on either side, I have dabbled on both sides of control.

For me, it is the psychological and ceremonial aspects of control that appeal and I think that's why I can be in either position. That said, the most mind-blowing orgasm I ever had was when I was restrained by a very skilled woman who knew exactly how to control when I came...

 

[desertslave]

Many years ago I was in a relationship with a guy who started out as my dom. I'd thought of myself as absolutely submissive for 4-ish years at that point. We cruised along happily for a few years, then he talked with me about being curious about switching. First he asked me a lot about my own thoughts and feelings. Eventually he asked me to top him. The first time was a disaster, I just couldn't wrap my head around doing unto him. I threw down the flogger I was trying to use and burst into tears.

A week or so later we went to Hellfire and he approached a domme we knew. I'd always been a little bit scared of her, but she impressed the hell out of me that night. Instead of just doing him, she talked ME through it instead. She gave me a sense of how to get myself into the right frame of mind and how to get into his head. She told me I was the best person to top him because I knew how HE did it to me and what he liked. I did to him what I loved when it was done to me, and we both came away very happy.

For about a year after that we switched back & forth fairly often. I came to see it as a different way to please him, though I was never fully comfortable with it. I'm quite relieved that Master doesn't have a pyl bone in his body!

 

[SirEdgar34]

Dom/sub

I have been in the lifestyle for a very long time ... I prefer Dom but i have switched it up ... I don't enjoy being sub as much

 

[Cosmic Knight]

Lildee,
Clean out your private messages, your inbox is full and will not accept ant more
CK

 

[KimGordon67]

Lildee,
Clean out your private messages, your inbox is full and will not accept ant more
CK

You probably need a time machine for this message to work. This thread is seven years old.