Switch and poly.... so very confusing!

kinkyknickers

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Okeedokee, here's the deal.....

For those who don't know me, I'm in a poly relaationship with a dom (we'll call him Master) and a Sub (we'll call her Minxie, but she'll probably stick her head in later with a different name). And I'm a switch.

In the relationship I am a masochistic bottom I don't identify as a service sub or slave, but I'm a bottom to Master none the less (and I don't call him "Master" but Minxie does).

Today Minxie expressed a desire for me to dominate her.

As a domme, I've only ever weilded my power over men, and it wasn't just a "sex thing", it was all pervading, I always reserved the right to break them at any time and destroy their lives if I so chose. It was very much a case of humiliate and control. I never considered them my pet or property, more a toy (think- cat and mouse) my reasons for doing so are too much to get into.

Basically, I want to make her happy, and she totally understands that I might not be able to do it and is cool with that, but I'd like to. She says she wants to be humiliated and controlled but when I flick the switch I have very little empathy. I don't want to hurt her. Physically, I'm much stronger and bigger than her and mentally.... well, it's really fucked up what I can do to people.

As far as being dominant whilst Master is around, I've been in situations with them where I've been whipping her arse and he'll say, "that's enough". Deal breaker! Don't tell me what to do.
I explained that if I'm Domme, then I'm in control and that's not gonna work for Master simply because, rule 1- Protect the property.

And no, he hasn't been included in this convo yet, but he will be. He excresizes a lot more control over himself than what I would.

Is there anyone out there that switches in a poly relationship?

For the Doms, would you be happy to stand back and watch somebody else control your sub without you having a say in what goes on?

I just don't see how I can submit and control at the same time. It's called switch, not multitask!

Thanks, one seriously conflicted KK.
 
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I'm like you I guess.

If I am in charge *I* am in charge - a lot of ground work, trust and conversation would specifically go into it if I were going to top someone else for their owner's gratification. It would be like lending me a car and going away - if you don't trust me, don't lend it. Shut up, give me the keys. If I fuck it up it's on MY head to make it up to you, but preventative meddling will just make me stop what I'm doing and give you the key back.

Rule no. 1 may be protect the property. If you can't trust it to be involved in its own protection AND you have to interfere to protect it, handing it off is not something you're ready to do, then. Find a sub with a whip.


I'm also inherently much much nicer to girls than boys. I don't know why. I *can* objectify anyone mercilessly, but it's not my first knee jerk impulse the same way. The more I know the girl, the more groundwork I get into, the more conversation and probing is necessary to get me comfortable.

I also can go into the "zero empathy" zone which is a fun place, and it's something I discuss with the bottom. If they're not the kind of person who knows their OWN tolerances well, and can take responsibility for their OWN safety with a safe word in that situation, someone who's not going to red on me for psych reasons if it's got to happen, I'm not playing with them. It's a two way street, and frankly I don't think another person can ever be fully responsible for the inside of another person's head. I see psych play with me as something like a thrill ride - and the use of safewords and the knowledge of oneself as the "you must be this tall" marker.

If minxie is raring to go and understands that in this case, the off switch is in her hands, and she has to use it if she thinks she should and she's ok with that, let her be a big girl and take her own hot risks. Trust yourself as much as you want your Top to stop running interference, you're probably not as psychopathic as you think and you probably are capable of showing a good time.
 
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It can be done.

I'm the opposite of Netz. I'm much nicer to boys than girls. I want to brutalize girls, and I just sort of want to toy with boys. But I do agree that it's going to partly be Minxie's responsibility to take care of her own safety. Yes, it's partly the Top's place to be aware of what's going on with the bottom, but like I tell my playtoys and my phone clients, "I'm a slut, not a mind reader."

And, honestly, I think during my first few attempts at this, I'd tell Master to keep his ass out of it. No offense, but I think having some Dom guy hovering would piss me off and make me less likely to make sure things didn't get out of hand.
 
Thanks gals,

I think I got so caught up in the whole responsibility of handling someone more delicate than me that I forgot about the blasted "safe word".

What you both said makes a lot of sense. Kudos.

KK:)
 
Oh, I thought you were just cleaning up cos you thought I was a slob and didn't like getting glass in your feet. LOl.

(Yes, that's my girlfriend. From now on I'll call her MGP, saves confusing minx1 any further).

:rose:
 
I was in a poly relationship in the past with my sub who had his own subs. I generally wouldn't interfere with what he did with them, but did a few play times together and it was fun. He had a bit of a hard time with me in the room at first, but then settled in when I showed him that I respected his position as a dom with the two women.
 
KK, my situation is different but I figure I'd just throw this into the mix as food for thought. I have recently met a couple, a Dom and his slave. I play with her, but not with him. He stays in the background while we're in scene but will function as her "safe word" if things were to get, in his opinion, too rough for her. We've negotiated that I'm fine with him interrupting me in scene (although he's never done so) to start because although I exercise common sense, I may not recognize some of the details of her reactions because I've not played with her often enough to notice them yet. But over time, he will have less to do with the scene other than as a silent spectator (which so far he has been anyways). I respect that his slave is only on loan to me for the scene and he respect my position as a domme when we're in scene. So far so good.
 
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