Suggestions? Comments?

[sweeteuphoria]

I am in the process of editing a story and in my attempt to use the proper verb tense, I'm getting more and more cofused. I'm having trouble with the difference between the past tense and the past participle of irregular verbs. Here's an example of the original text My corrections or comments immediately follow each paragraph and are in italics. I showed this to the author of the story and she thinks there are too many times where had or has is repeated. I agree, but according to what I understood from the websites I researched, that's the way it's supposed to read. Suggestions? Comments? Please help!

"Lord William, Lady Penelope has ran off on her horse, sir," one of the stable boys reported from the doorway of William Summerfield's study.

"Lord William, Lady Penelope has ridden off on her horse, sir," one of the stable boys reported from the doorway of William Summerfield's study.

William turned to look at Jeffrey who was already headed out the door in search of Penelope. He quickly headed for the stables, found a horse and took off in the direction the stable boy told him Lady Penelope had gone.

William turned to look at Jeffrey who already went out the door in search of Penelope. He quickly headed for the stables, found a horse and had taken off in the direction the stable boy had stated Lady Penelope had departed.

The sun was low in the sky and Jeffrey knew it would be dark soon. Penelope was not aware that Jeffrey knew the place she went when she was feeling distressed. Just at the edge of the Summerfield land, there was an oddly formed cluster of trees right at the edge of a river. The trees grew in such a way that they formed a fortress of leaves and branches, with just a small opening.

The position of the sun indicated it would soon be dark and Jeffery had felt the need to increase his horse’s pace, just to catch up with her. He’d discovered Penelope’s hiding place when he followed her, the day Patrick had left. This was her secret destination whenever she’d felt distressed, at least she’d thought it was a secret. Where the Summerfield land met the river, an oddly formed cluster of trees had grown in such a way they formed a fortress of leaves and branches, with an opening just large enough for her to enter once she dismounted her horse. Once she passed, her horse would follow.

This is where I stopped because I started getting a headache, lol.

As he neared, he dismounted his horse and tied it off to a nearby tree. He spotted Penelope sitting on the grass, gazing out over the river, a lost look upon her beautiful face. Jeffrey approached her slowly, not wanting to startle her. She turned to see him walking toward her and her gaze turned from confusion to anger.

If I'm on the right track, wonderful;, but if not, suggestions on correcting the previous paragraphs would be helpful, and much appreciated. I'm not getting any response in editors forum so I'm trying here.

Thanks
Sweet.

 

[Weird Harold]

If I'm on the right track, wonderful;, but if not, suggestions on correcting the previous paragraphs would be helpful, and much appreciated. I'm not getting any response in editors forum so I'm trying here.

For the most part, I prefer the original versions of the samples given. But, I'm not sure of the greater context and/or the purpose in in making the narrative sound so formal. You have, in general, made the story more formal and "detached" by your choice of verb forms -- perilously close to passive voice where the sentences have a "voice."

"Lord William, Lady Penelope has ran off on her horse, sir," one of the stable boys reported from the doorway of William Summerfield's study.

"Lord William, Lady Penelope has ridden off on her horse, sir," one of the stable boys reported from the doorway of William Summerfield's study.

This change in particular changes the character of the stable boy by eliminating a "lower class," slang phrasing and raising the apparent literacy of the stable boy unnecessarily.

 

[Oblimo]

This change in particular changes the character of the stable boy by eliminating a "lower class," slang phrasing and raising the apparent literacy of the stable boy unnecessarily.

I'd even consider dropping the "has": "Lady Penelope ran [or rode] off on her horse."

In either formulation, this paragraph has an vague pronoun:

William turned to look at Jeffrey who already went out the door in search of Penelope. He quickly headed for the stables, found a horse and had taken off in the direction the stable boy had stated Lady Penelope had departed.

Who "he"?

My other ideas are probably oblimofications of sweeteuphorian text rather than legit editing suggestions, since without context I can't be sure of the feel you are striving for, and I possibly suck at editing. Frex:

"Lord William, sir." A stable boy stood in the study doorway. "Lady Penelope's done rode off."

 

[Stella_Omega]

Hi Sweet!

I think you might be trying to load too much into each sentence, myself. And I'm afraid you are trying to fix by using more owrds, when less would do. Just to add to your headache, here's my suggestions

"Lord William, Lady Penelope has ran off on her horse, sir," one of the stable boys reported from the doorway of William Summerfield's study.

A stable boy appeared in Lord William's study doorway. "Lady Penelope has ran off on her horse, sir," he reported.
(I like that "..has ran off.." very much; it gives a great portrait of the kid, his class, his level of education, in one little quote)
Stop worrying about complete precision, and let yourself sketch with your words. You want you atmosphere of tension and worry, hurried movement-- along with these descriptions.
It's like poetry, finding the set of words which will tell your story, and give you atmosphere at the same time...

 

[Stella_Omega]

"oblimofications" that's fantastic!

I just committed "Stellafications"-- please forgive me, Sweet

 

[sr71plt]

I think these verb forms are being taken in the wrong direction for the most part. The current "vogue" is to get rid of the past perfect tense ("has ridden/had written") wherever possible and make it simple past. In these examples, the verb tense is being changed in both directions (but not in a good way, I don't think).

I agree with WH that the original meaning of the first quote was changed. The original (I hope) was written that way to show the stable boy's (inadequate) grasp of the language. This was ruined by trying to "clean" it up.

In the Jeffrey went out the door quote, the original is a lot better than the fix (even though the original uses the past perfect)--and "Jeffrey who already went out the door" is just wrong.

The "sun is low" example reads much (much) better (more elegant--and grammatically correct--"the sun was low" is poetic; "the position of the sun" is awkward and clinical) in the original, I think, and the simple past was unnecessarily changed to the past perfect.

Sorry, but the mantra of editing is "first do no harm."

I surely hope this isn't a poster from Lit. whose work is being analyzed in the open forum. Or maybe they gave permission for this(?)

 

[Stella_Omega]

Sorry, but the mantra of editing is "first do no harm."

I know, I know, and I ought to edit my excessive suggestions.

Write my own damn story... mumblemumble...

 

[sr71plt]

I know, I know, and I ought to edit my excessive suggestions.

Write my own damn story... mumblemumble...

I wasn't referring to you, of course--your posting popped in while I was still composing mine. Now I'll have to go back and read what you said.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I wasn't referring to you, of course--your posting popped in while I was still composing mine. Now I'll have to go back and read what you said.

Too late, I took your rebuke to heart already

 

[sr71plt]

Too late, I took your rebuke to heart already

Oh, you have a heart? Is this just a Christmas season "thing"?

 

[Stella_Omega]

Oh, you have a heart? Is this just a Christmas season "thing"?

Waddaya mean? I wear it on my sleeve!
It was previously owned by a little old lady who only drove it on Sundays...

 

[rgraham666]

I have the heart of a child.

I keep it in a jar on my desk.

 

[kendo1]

Too stilted, too correct.
As was said previously, would the stable boy speak thus?

I know, I've been told off by a 'true Scotswoman' for trying to write a Scot's brogue - but I think it sounds correct and gets the message across.

So - who are you writing for? Seriously. The 'literati', yourself, the great unwashed? Are you trying to be too proper?

That's what I see.

Sorry if I'm sounding pompous, I'm honestly trying to be helpful.

Helpful Ken.

 

[starrkers]

I am in the process of editing a story and in my attempt to use the proper verb tense, I'm getting more and more cofused. I'm having trouble with the difference between the past tense and the past participle of irregular verbs. Here's an example of the original text My corrections or comments immediately follow each paragraph and are in italics. I showed this to the author of the story and she thinks there are too many times where had or has is repeated. I agree, but according to what I understood from the websites I researched, that's the way it's supposed to read. Suggestions? Comments? Please help!

Frankly, I'm aghast that you think you're improving the original text.
Some of the original is a tad clumsy, but it grammatically far superior to the "corrections".

 

[sweeteuphoria]

Okay, thanks everyone for giving honest opinions and comments with suggestions on what I should do, I appreciate it. I can handle tough criticism. My intention was to not have the author get anymore comments like 'run, don't walk to find an editor that knows proper grammar, blah, blah, blah. Also, just to ease your mind, the author did give permission for me to post the bit of story and together we have decided to brush off the editor comments and write what sounds best in this particular story. We're going to
let the vote scores and majority of comments speak for themselves
Thanks again!
sweet