Submissive/Slave Haven

[TeachMeSir]

Update

.....

 

[SubKekiLee]

Well, it's been almsot a week since the realization hit me that I'd been blow off. Somehow, it is harder, and other times easier. I do know that all the advice & *hugs* have been what made this easier to address, rather than curling myslf up into a little bacl & feeling sorry for myself.
Now I'm at the stage of wanting to write him a short e-mail. Not that I think it would change things, but considering that I haven't sent him anything in over a week I'd hate him to be sitting back & thinking "oh, she isn't stalking me, she's not angry with me, just as well I started to ignore her because it's obvious she doesn't like me that much". I just want him to know tat I am hurt & angry, and his behaviour is not acceptable - Can you tell an ex-Master that? I feel like I'm letting him off to easy & that he's just going to do the same thing to the next sub which is what I want to stop from happening.
I am still on teh *quest* to find out more about myself, my submissiveness & desires to serve. I'm doing it solo, reading books, Lit & the Lit Library. There have been some guys approach me about continuing my training, some of them nice, one I believe to be a true Master, but I'm just not interested. Unfortnately I have also received some PM's from guys who aren't Masters, some of whom have obviously never read any of my posts, or even some that have & determined that I am emotionally low at the moment and in need to some tender care, thinking they can take advatage of this. Ifthis is you please read my Dear X letter that I am about to write.

Send him that email say goodbye to him let him know your true feelings.. and allow him to know what a great sub he lost out on.... And then he will know and saying goodbye for you will be healthy... Then continue your trek to be healthy and pursue to expand your mind... Just remember I am always here for you..

SKL

 

[fishercat]

Hey, I'm back with an update on Mr. First Date...

Okay, since I hate to be left hanging, I'll end the story for anyone wondering.

I messaged Mr. First Date and told him I felt he was pushing me to submit to him or have sex with him before I was ready. I told him I felt we needed to get to know each other better first. He agreed. For every long email I sent, he sent one two sentences long. Once we had it talked through, I said, "Okay, what's next? I'll be in your town soon, how about we spend some time together?" And ... silence.

My interpretation? He's married, and does not wish to be seen with me in his town, lest he should be discovered.

So, where's (hopefully) Bachelor #2?

 

[CurlyKat]

Okay, since I hate to be left hanging, I'll end the story for anyone wondering.

I messaged Mr. First Date and told him I felt he was pushing me to submit to him or have sex with him before I was ready. I told him I felt we needed to get to know each other better first. He agreed. For every long email I sent, he sent one two sentences long. Once we had it talked through, I said, "Okay, what's next? I'll be in your town soon, how about we spend some time together?" And ... silence.

My interpretation? He's married, and does not wish to be seen with me in his town, lest he should be discovered.

So, where's (hopefully) Bachelor #2?

That's frustrating! I understand that many people can do the separate relationships like that, but it gets on my nerves when the guys try to hide their marriage.

Hopefully your next guy will be more honest and communicative with you and be willing to move slowly and help facilitate your growth, not force you to do anything. Good luck!

 

[DVS]

Okay, since I hate to be left hanging, I'll end the story for anyone wondering.

I messaged Mr. First Date and told him I felt he was pushing me to submit to him or have sex with him before I was ready. I told him I felt we needed to get to know each other better first. He agreed. For every long email I sent, he sent one two sentences long. Once we had it talked through, I said, "Okay, what's next? I'll be in your town soon, how about we spend some time together?" And ... silence.

My interpretation? He's married, and does not wish to be seen with me in his town, lest he should be discovered.

So, where's (hopefully) Bachelor #2?

Well, at least you did spot his deception. The points you noticed, and brought up in your post are some of the things to look for, in a creep. It does seem that he's married, and just as you said, he doesn't want to be seen with someone other than his wife, in his own back yard.

That's how we learn...through these misfortunes. OK, that's not any fun, I know. But, it's true. Every time we meet up with someone like this, we tune ourselves in to that personality a little more, to the point that eventually, we can spot them a mile away.

I just hope you don't have to suffer though a whole mile of these guys. How about you become able to spot them with a 10 foot pole? If all else fails, you can beat the crap out of them with the pole. Work for you?

 

[fishercat]

That's frustrating! I understand that many people can do the separate relationships like that, but it gets on my nerves when the guys try to hide their marriage.

Hopefully your next guy will be more honest and communicative with you and be willing to move slowly and help facilitate your growth, not force you to do anything. Good luck!

Thanks! I did actually meet a nice one, but he was far, far older than me, and was the spitting image of my father. I'll keep looking...

Well, at least you did spot his deception. The points you noticed, and brought up in your post are some of the things to look for, in a creep. It does seem that he's married, and just as you said, he doesn't want to be seen with someone other than his wife, in his own back yard.

That's how we learn...through these misfortunes. OK, that's not any fun, I know. But, it's true. Every time we meet up with someone like this, we tune ourselves in to that personality a little more, to the point that eventually, we can spot them a mile away.

I just hope you don't have to suffer though a whole mile of these guys. How about you become able to spot them with a 10 foot pole? If all else fails, you can beat the crap out of them with the pole. Work for you?

I'd say I'm at two-foot pole length right now. My next challenge is to get over my tendency to be nice and trusting first, before they earn it. I haven't figured out quite how to let the walls down around my heart without being a naive twit about it.

Ah well, I'll keep working on it. At least I have you Lit folks to help me spot the turds before I step on them. Thanks, DVS

 

[intothewoods]

fishercat - Sounds like you handled everything really smartly. Good for you!

 

[fishercat]

fishercat - Sounds like you handled everything really smartly. Good for you!

Thanks ITW! It's a steep learning curve, but I'm getting there!

 

[sexycaz22]

Aye, fishercat, sounds like you handled it pretty well!

Wishing you all the happinesses you deserve and hope that you find someone who is right for you!

 

[notalwaysweak]

I just read through this entire thread from start to finish and I thought there was some really great advice being given, so I'm going to give some details of my situation and, basically, ask for people's thoughts. Which could be interesting, given that I'm not even sure what my own thoughts are on this mess.

I'm 24, female, bi, and my husband and I have been together for four and a half years and married since last October. He and I got together a week after I got out of an abusive relationship with a guy I'll call Ex #1. Due to Ex #1's treatment of me, I have PTSD and am on anti-depressants to bring my mood up enough to get out of bed in the mornings. I spent four years convinced that my submissive tendencies were a product of what he used to force on me, and only recently realised and embraced the knowledge that I really enjoy being dominated under the right circumstances (i.e. SS&C).

There's another guy involved, who I'll inventively call Ex #2. He and I were only in an official relationship for three weeks, but when the relationship with Ex #1 started going to shit, Ex #2 became my... well, not fuckbuddy, since we never had sex, so I'll say romancebuddy. We made out a fair bit, and he did make me come quite a lot, but most of it was about going to movies and bushwalking and spending time together just talking, which was not what I was getting from Ex #1 (through no fault of my own, I must add; he was one of those guys who has a better relationship with his PlayStation and computer than he does with his girlfriend).

Anyway, I finally got up the courage to leave Ex #1, hooked up with the guy who is now my husband, learned that I wasn't actually a worthless whore whose only role in a relationship was to sexually service my partner, and ended up marrying him.

Over the last six months, I've been discussing my submissiveness with him and we've tried some new things, but it seems as if unless I specifically ask to be tied up or whatever, it doesn't happen. I've tried dropping hints, I've tried (in effect) topping from the bottom, but it seems to just end up being nilla most of the time. He says he likes being dominant, but I'm definitely getting the feeling that he's just saying that to make me happy. Certainly I'm a lot more open and overt about my submissiveness than he is about any dominant tendencies.

I don't want to have to ask every time I want to be tied up; to me, that's kind of defeating the purpose of the whole thing. And I want him to be aware that if I need to safeword out of what he's doing, I will; he doesn't need to worry if the noises I'm making are pleasure or pain, he just needs to worry whether or not I'm safewording. And I've told him this time and time again, yet it just doesn't seem to be sinking in. I sadly don't think he's Dom material, and am wondering if I need to just give up and stick to fantasising.

This is where the problem hits. Ex #2 and I are still in touch (yes, I can hear you groaning in the back there), and we've started talking on MSN, and though I honestly cannot remember how the topic came up, we started talking about BDSM. And he's very definitely a Dom. And he's currently single. And... well. The conversation got very explicit and he anticipated a lot of what I was going to say about my fantasies before I said it. Basically, he made me very much regret not having had sex with him, and now I really want to, but I don't want to go behind my husband's back about it, and I certainly can't ask my husband for permission, since he's not overly fond of Ex #2 (they've only met once, but apparently that was enough to convince my husband that Ex #2 is an arrogant prick).

So what can I do, other than stew in frustration? I should really tell Ex #2 to back the hell off, but the truth is, hearing him tell me exactly what he'd do to me if he had the chance is a huge turn-on. And I should really try and discuss things with my husband again (um, not the MSN convo part, just our own relationship), but I'm just not sure whether it's ever going to sink in that I need to be able to submit more than I am now. I try my best to encourage him to play rough and order me around and tease me, but again, I don't want to just be topping from the bottom -- I want him to want to dominate me.

*sighs* Anyway, that's my little saga of the moment, and I thank anyone who has taken the time to read it and offer any thoughts. I'm really confused at the moment, so I'm open to any advice -- don't be afraid to tell me that I'm being an idiot, because I am being an idiot. I just don't know what to do to stop being an idiot.

 

[DVS]

I just read through this entire thread from start to finish and I thought there was some really great advice being given, so I'm going to give some details of my situation and, basically, ask for people's thoughts. Which could be interesting, given that I'm not even sure what my own thoughts are on this mess.

I'm 24, female, bi, and my husband and I have been together for four and a half years and married since last October. He and I got together a week after I got out of an abusive relationship with a guy I'll call Ex #1. Due to Ex #1's treatment of me, I have PTSD and am on anti-depressants to bring my mood up enough to get out of bed in the mornings. I spent four years convinced that my submissive tendencies were a product of what he used to force on me, and only recently realised and embraced the knowledge that I really enjoy being dominated under the right circumstances (i.e. SS&C).

There's another guy involved, who I'll inventively call Ex #2. He and I were only in an official relationship for three weeks, but when the relationship with Ex #1 started going to shit, Ex #2 became my... well, not fuckbuddy, since we never had sex, so I'll say romancebuddy. We made out a fair bit, and he did make me come quite a lot, but most of it was about going to movies and bushwalking and spending time together just talking, which was not what I was getting from Ex #1 (through no fault of my own, I must add; he was one of those guys who has a better relationship with his PlayStation and computer than he does with his girlfriend).

Anyway, I finally got up the courage to leave Ex #1, hooked up with the guy who is now my husband, learned that I wasn't actually a worthless whore whose only role in a relationship was to sexually service my partner, and ended up marrying him.

Over the last six months, I've been discussing my submissiveness with him and we've tried some new things, but it seems as if unless I specifically ask to be tied up or whatever, it doesn't happen. I've tried dropping hints, I've tried (in effect) topping from the bottom, but it seems to just end up being nilla most of the time. He says he likes being dominant, but I'm definitely getting the feeling that he's just saying that to make me happy. Certainly I'm a lot more open and overt about my submissiveness than he is about any dominant tendencies.

I don't want to have to ask every time I want to be tied up; to me, that's kind of defeating the purpose of the whole thing. And I want him to be aware that if I need to safeword out of what he's doing, I will; he doesn't need to worry if the noises I'm making are pleasure or pain, he just needs to worry whether or not I'm safewording. And I've told him this time and time again, yet it just doesn't seem to be sinking in. I sadly don't think he's Dom material, and am wondering if I need to just give up and stick to fantasising.

This is where the problem hits. Ex #2 and I are still in touch (yes, I can hear you groaning in the back there), and we've started talking on MSN, and though I honestly cannot remember how the topic came up, we started talking about BDSM. And he's very definitely a Dom. And he's currently single. And... well. The conversation got very explicit and he anticipated a lot of what I was going to say about my fantasies before I said it. Basically, he made me very much regret not having had sex with him, and now I really want to, but I don't want to go behind my husband's back about it, and I certainly can't ask my husband for permission, since he's not overly fond of Ex #2 (they've only met once, but apparently that was enough to convince my husband that Ex #2 is an arrogant prick).

So what can I do, other than stew in frustration? I should really tell Ex #2 to back the hell off, but the truth is, hearing him tell me exactly what he'd do to me if he had the chance is a huge turn-on. And I should really try and discuss things with my husband again (um, not the MSN convo part, just our own relationship), but I'm just not sure whether it's ever going to sink in that I need to be able to submit more than I am now. I try my best to encourage him to play rough and order me around and tease me, but again, I don't want to just be topping from the bottom -- I want him to want to dominate me.

*sighs* Anyway, that's my little saga of the moment, and I thank anyone who has taken the time to read it and offer any thoughts. I'm really confused at the moment, so I'm open to any advice -- don't be afraid to tell me that I'm being an idiot, because I am being an idiot. I just don't know what to do to stop being an idiot.

OK, let me first make one thing perfectly clear. You are NOT an idiot. This situation is not very far off from many other submissives that are regulars here. It's unfortunate, but very common for one member of a relationship or marriage to be lacking the desire to play the role that the other partner desires. But, there could be something there, inside him. You might just have to coax it out of him...or maybe even drag it out of him.

First thing to do is seriously sit him down and tell him what you need for your sex life to be a happy one. You might have already touched base with him on it, but you need to tell him how much you crave it and that if he will just do a few things you ask, it could be an amazing sexual high for you.

I'm assuming he knows what playing the Dom role involves? I'm also assuming he isn't against playing this role. Some men don't want to hurt their lover, and because being a Dom can cause pain, they can't bring themselves to do it. They have been brought up to never harm a woman and they see this as doing just that. It might seem like a gallant effort on their part, but it obviously doesn't work, if their partner wants to be tied up and spanked, etc.

If this is the case with your husband, you really need to let him know that you not only desire or crave this treatment, but you NEED it. Just telling him you want him to do certain things miight not be enough. He has to understand how you feel about it, and how tying you up and abusing you would really turn you on.

Some of these guys will understand, if you explain it to them. But, you really need to make it known exactly what you want him to do, because if he's totally against it, he won't have a clue how hard to hit you, where to hit you, or when to hit you.

If you get past that stage, where he's willing to Dom you, I'd suggest the next thing to do would be to write out a step by step scenario that you'd really enjoy and tell him to just follow what you've written. Of course, you don't want him to always follow this, because that would be very close to you topping from the bottom. But, if he's never really done any of this, he's going to need something to follow, at least for a while.

Be sure you clue him in on the safeword and why a safeword is necessary. He needs to know that you are going to plead with him to stop or beg him to stop, but he must know those are natural emotions coming out and to disregard your pleas, unless you use the safeword.

He needs to know that even though you might be begging him to stop, you will actually be enjoying the role and until you say the safeword, he is suppose to continue what he's doing. If he's really affraid of hurting you, you will have to convince him that Be patient...go slow. If this is all new to him, he's going to need some time to adjust.

If he's just not into it at all, and only doing it for you, that's a problem, but if he doesn't mind playing the role, it is possible he can pull it off, with some help from you. It will pobably involve topping from the bottom, because he will need some coaching until he knows just how hard to hit you, where to hit you and things like that. All of that takes time, even if you are into being a Dom.

And if he's not into it, keep in mind that he's doing it for you, and so you will need to do something for him, in return, that equals the pleasure he gives you. That will be something you two will have to figure out. You don't want to be the only one who receives the type of pleasure that BDSM gives you. He's an equal partner in the marriage, too. Ask him what would give him the same extreme pleasure. This might help him when he's playing the Dom role. If he knows you will be giving him pleasure next, it might give him some incentive to um...play harder.

And if he can tell you something that will give him extreme pleasure, maybe you can give him that, while you are naked and tied. That way, you are both getting what you want, to a degree. If you can mix your two desires, there's not a thing wrong with that.

Ideally, he will be a Dom at heart. If that's true, talk with him and make sure he understands how you feel. Make sure he understands that for you, the submission role gives you tremendous pleasure. Once he learns that, and follows your sceneario, he will surely get accustomed to the role and initialize the fun on his own. If that happens, I think you'd be in heaven, right? You need to make sure he knows that.

You had a rough time of it, early on. You are not an idiot. It's good you have bound a marriage that has potential. If you didn't have such a marriage I'd be concerned about your day. Work on it, with your husband. And, like I said, writeup a couple scnarios for him to follow. After a while, I think he will maybe get the hint, and peat your ass.

As for your friend, if he gets too involved in how he talks to you about sex, you want to watch it. He could damage your marriage, without really knowing it. As your husband doesn't like him, that's a very good reason to stop letting him get to you, sectually. Hopefully, some more people will reply to this message and give you some real life answers.

As for your husband, I hope something gets him to beat your ass for you. You know...sometimes you can create a monster in this kind of thing. How would you like it, if he tied you down and had his way with you for a few hours? Tell him.

 

[Netzach]

I just read through this entire thread from start to finish and I thought there was some really great advice being given, so I'm going to give some details of my situation and, basically, ask for people's thoughts. Which could be interesting, given that I'm not even sure what my own thoughts are on this mess.

I'm 24, female, bi, and my husband and I have been together for four and a half years and married since last October. He and I got together a week after I got out of an abusive relationship with a guy I'll call Ex #1. Due to Ex #1's treatment of me, I have PTSD and am on anti-depressants to bring my mood up enough to get out of bed in the mornings. I spent four years convinced that my submissive tendencies were a product of what he used to force on me, and only recently realised and embraced the knowledge that I really enjoy being dominated under the right circumstances (i.e. SS&C).

There's another guy involved, who I'll inventively call Ex #2. He and I were only in an official relationship for three weeks, but when the relationship with Ex #1 started going to shit, Ex #2 became my... well, not fuckbuddy, since we never had sex, so I'll say romancebuddy. We made out a fair bit, and he did make me come quite a lot, but most of it was about going to movies and bushwalking and spending time together just talking, which was not what I was getting from Ex #1 (through no fault of my own, I must add; he was one of those guys who has a better relationship with his PlayStation and computer than he does with his girlfriend).

Anyway, I finally got up the courage to leave Ex #1, hooked up with the guy who is now my husband, learned that I wasn't actually a worthless whore whose only role in a relationship was to sexually service my partner, and ended up marrying him.

Over the last six months, I've been discussing my submissiveness with him and we've tried some new things, but it seems as if unless I specifically ask to be tied up or whatever, it doesn't happen. I've tried dropping hints, I've tried (in effect) topping from the bottom, but it seems to just end up being nilla most of the time. He says he likes being dominant, but I'm definitely getting the feeling that he's just saying that to make me happy. Certainly I'm a lot more open and overt about my submissiveness than he is about any dominant tendencies.

I don't want to have to ask every time I want to be tied up; to me, that's kind of defeating the purpose of the whole thing. And I want him to be aware that if I need to safeword out of what he's doing, I will; he doesn't need to worry if the noises I'm making are pleasure or pain, he just needs to worry whether or not I'm safewording. And I've told him this time and time again, yet it just doesn't seem to be sinking in. I sadly don't think he's Dom material, and am wondering if I need to just give up and stick to fantasising.

This is where the problem hits. Ex #2 and I are still in touch (yes, I can hear you groaning in the back there), and we've started talking on MSN, and though I honestly cannot remember how the topic came up, we started talking about BDSM. And he's very definitely a Dom. And he's currently single. And... well. The conversation got very explicit and he anticipated a lot of what I was going to say about my fantasies before I said it. Basically, he made me very much regret not having had sex with him, and now I really want to, but I don't want to go behind my husband's back about it, and I certainly can't ask my husband for permission, since he's not overly fond of Ex #2 (they've only met once, but apparently that was enough to convince my husband that Ex #2 is an arrogant prick).

So what can I do, other than stew in frustration? I should really tell Ex #2 to back the hell off, but the truth is, hearing him tell me exactly what he'd do to me if he had the chance is a huge turn-on. And I should really try and discuss things with my husband again (um, not the MSN convo part, just our own relationship), but I'm just not sure whether it's ever going to sink in that I need to be able to submit more than I am now. I try my best to encourage him to play rough and order me around and tease me, but again, I don't want to just be topping from the bottom -- I want him to want to dominate me.

*sighs* Anyway, that's my little saga of the moment, and I thank anyone who has taken the time to read it and offer any thoughts. I'm really confused at the moment, so I'm open to any advice -- don't be afraid to tell me that I'm being an idiot, because I am being an idiot. I just don't know what to do to stop being an idiot.

Has it occurred to you that Ex 2 knows all the right things to *say* and if you actually hook up you'll just wind up watching him take up space on the couch and pseudo-ignore your sex life just as much if not worse?

Seduction is the hard sell it's not the actual *product*.

 

[TeachMeSir]

"Erotic Surrender"

......

 

[WriterDom]

First thing to do is seriously sit him down and tell him what you need for your sex life to be a happy one. You might have already touched base with him on it, but you need to tell him how much you crave it and that if he will just do a few things you ask, it could be an amazing sexual high for you.

.

Sounds easy enough but that's a really hard sell. Almost to the point of waking up and discovering you are a lesbian and convincing your husband to become a woman. Now that's a little radical. A conversion is possible.

What usually happens is the kinky person finds an outside relationship with or without consent, or the marriage ends.

From my own experience it's almost like the married submissives out there looking outnumber the unmarried ones.

 

[intothewoods]

Has it occurred to you that Ex 2 knows all the right things to *say* and if you actually hook up you'll just wind up watching him take up space on the couch and pseudo-ignore your sex life just as much if not worse?

Seduction is the hard sell it's not the actual *product*.

Oh, so true. And everything that's a no-no looks so very attractive.

Sounds easy enough but that's a really hard sell. Almost to the point of waking up and discovering you are a lesbian and convincing your husband to become a woman. Now that's a little radical. A conversion is possible.

What usually happens is the kinky person finds an outside relationship with or without consent, or the marriage ends.

From my own experience it's almost like the married submissives out there looking outnumber the unmarried ones.

That's true if the woman is consciously or unconsciously trying to get out of the relationship. Speaking from personal experience, the fantasy of submission can also seem very appealing to an overworked and unfulfilled in some way wife. My submission now irl looks very different from what I fantasized about.

To the OP, if you are serious about working with your husband, and I think he should at least get a real shot at this, you cannot involve your ex. Kind of like EG's great quote about mentors. He can't be helpful if he wants to fuck you. In a neutral environment, you need to set out what you are looking for from you husband. But I would try to not be accusatory. Maybe highlight what you've liked so far. Ask him how he feels about the whole thing. And give him time.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Basically, he made me very much regret not having had sex with him, and now I really want to, but I don't want to go behind my husband's back about it, and I certainly can't ask my husband for permission, since he's not overly fond of Ex #2 (they've only met once, but apparently that was enough to convince my husband that Ex #2 is an arrogant prick).

So what can I do, other than stew in frustration? I should really tell Ex #2 to back the hell off, but the truth is, hearing him tell me exactly what he'd do to me if he had the chance is a huge turn-on.

You are not an idiot, but you are at a vulnerable spot in your life and like it or not, I think #2 very well knows this and is playing it to his advantage. My take on it is if he is really your friend, he would not be telling you what he would do to you sexually given half the chance. A friend listens, supports, encourages you to grow in a healthy way, and doesn't begin to make sexual suggestions to you which could totally screw up you and your life for a long time to come. I also think if he were a PYL of any worth he would refrain from such behaviour. It may just be your husband picked up on these traits of #2's in that one and one too many meetings and that is why he took an instant dislike to him. He did say he found him arrogant and from what you describe, his behaviour is certainly doing nothing to dispel that view IMHO.

While there was a time in your life when you were free to have become involved sexually with #2, you didn't...perhaps there was a good reason for that... and now you are committed to another who deserves at the least to be able to trust you in your friendship with someone he has already told you he doesn't like. Be careful and maybe cut back on the contact with #2 for awhile at least to let your feelings balance out so you can decide what you really want in your future and the best way to go about getting it. Look after you and your relationship first because I don't think #2 is very interested in your relationship or welfare long term. As Netzach suggested, it is very likely he knows you well enough to know exactly what to say, when, to get you interested in him sexually.

Catalina

 

[00Syd]

Over the last six months, I've been discussing my submissiveness with him and we've tried some new things, but it seems as if unless I specifically ask to be tied up or whatever, it doesn't happen. I've tried dropping hints, I've tried (in effect) topping from the bottom, but it seems to just end up being nilla most of the time. He says he likes being dominant, but I'm definitely getting the feeling that he's just saying that to make me happy. Certainly I'm a lot more open and overt about my submissiveness than he is about any dominant tendencies.

This is really where I am in my relationship right now. My bf has really, REALLY been making an effort, which I appreciate to no end, but its obvious that he's just vanilla through and through. What I've been getting from him has just been unsatisfying for the most part, and he doesn't get anything out of it, so I've decided to stop asking.

But just 'cause it hasn't really worked out in my relationship doesn't mean it won't work out in yours! It is possible that your husband has some Domlyness tucked away deep inside. But I also think that if it becomes blatantly obvious that he is completely vanilla, don't try and force it on him, you know?

I came to the conclusion that my bf was completely vanilla a few months ago, but I still didn't give up, because I wanted him to be a Dom so badly. And now I feel bad about it, I've been (essentially) forcing him to do something he wasn't comfortable with, and now he's afraid that if he stops I'll leave him even though I've told him time and time again that its fine for him to stop, and that no way am I going to leave him anytime soon. So now I have this whole other problem.

So I'd say, try, give it a shot, but if its not meant to be, don't force it. Thats not fair to him, and its probably not that great for you either.

 

[notalwaysweak]

Thank you. All of you. This has helped me to put so much into the proper perspective. I'm glad people have said that it sounds like Ex #2 is being manipulative; I'm seeing him in person on Tuesday, so a face to face conversation about this will be better than just telling him over MSN to stop being that way. To be honest, reading over the chat log, he really is being an arrogant prick! This would go a long way towards explaining why he hasn't been in a relationship since he was with me... big red alert flag, huh? Yeah, I know.

I'm going to talk to my husband again and write down some of my fantasies and give them to him. DVS, I think you're right, I think part of what's holding him back is that he's afraid of hurting me, while... well... you know, it's kind of the point. I know he's not completely vanilla, because we've discussed things enough to let that show, it's just that the vanillaness seems to beat out the Domly tendencies too often for my liking. I've asked him time and again whether there's anything else I could be doing for him and he says there isn't, but I'm sure that if I go into more detail about my fantasies it will elicit a response from him. I really don't want to fuck the marriage up by going outside it for my kinky needs, but I don't want to have to deny them entirely, and since he's done it before, I'm hoping it's mainly just a matter of explaining just what this means to me and how important it is.

Again, thank you all for helping me put this into perspective.

 

[notalwaysweak]

I saw Ex #2 today and called him an arrogant prick to his face, and he just laughed condescendingly, which only proved my point. I am starting to wonder if he's worth keeping as a friend at all or not, after that.

 

[sexycaz22]

I saw Ex #2 today and called him an arrogant prick to his face, and he just laughed condescendingly, which only proved my point. I am starting to wonder if he's worth keeping as a friend at all or not, after that.

Sooo sorry to hear that. The Ex #2 sounds like a bastard in my opinion.

Hope everything works out for you and your husband, also.

 

[intothewoods]

Just rambling a bit....

Despite the fact that I intellectually believe that one person can't fulfill all of your needs, I think maybe I fall prey to that thinking. My ex and I looked pretty compatible on paper, and yet, we had a lot of differences when it came to our roles as part of a family. These are things I didn't even know how to articulate before I had a child. In contrast, Mister Man and I seem to be on exactly the same page on that and so many other things, but we have pretty different backgrounds. It concerns me.

Part of it is that everything concerns me. I really feel like I'm more ready to move on from my ex than I ever have been, but I'm not 100% yet. On the other hand, how do you know for sure? I think there is a certain self confidence missing in me. I hate to admit it, but there is a part of me deep down that is waiting for some perfect white knight domly dom to complete me, as absoutely stupid as I think that is on an intellectual level!

 

[CurlyKat]

Just rambling a bit....

Despite the fact that I intellectually believe that one person can't fulfill all of your needs, I think maybe I fall prey to that thinking. My ex and I looked pretty compatible on paper, and yet, we had a lot of differences when it came to our roles as part of a family. These are things I didn't even know how to articulate before I had a child. In contrast, Mister Man and I seem to be on exactly the same page on that and so many other things, but we have pretty different backgrounds. It concerns me.

Part of it is that everything concerns me. I really feel like I'm more ready to move on from my ex than I ever have been, but I'm not 100% yet. On the other hand, how do you know for sure? I think there is a certain self confidence missing in me. I hate to admit it, but there is a part of me deep down that is waiting for some perfect white knight domly dom to complete me, as absoutely stupid as I think that is on an intellectual level!

Doesn't sound stupid at all! Everyone always says that "smart girls" are supposed to be beyond the fairy tale dreams of being rescued by the perfect man who will adore us and let us adore and serve him.... but I think if we were to totally get rid of that then we'd be a very sad bunch of girls.

Yes, that dream needs to be tempered with some reality (which it definitely sounds like you've got down pat!), but it also helps us reach for the best that's out there, and hopefully spurs us to find the most perfect match (for us individually) that exists. Maybe I'm just young and not willing to let the dream die quite yet, but me, for one, I'm a fan of dreaming of Mr. Knight!

 

[SweetGigi]

...... I hate to admit it, but there is a part of me deep down that is waiting for some perfect white knight domly dom to complete me, as absoutely stupid as I think that is on an intellectual level!

I read often about your situation and I have to say that in spite of your fears and insecurities, I think you have exactly what you are looking for. That 'perfect white knight domly dom to complete me' is sitting right in front of you. You just have to open to receiving it.

You are too wonderful to deny yourself any longer. Grab the brass ring, hun!!

 

[intothewoods]

Doesn't sound stupid at all! Everyone always says that "smart girls" are supposed to be beyond the fairy tale dreams of being rescued by the perfect man who will adore us and let us adore and serve him.... but I think if we were to totally get rid of that then we'd be a very sad bunch of girls.

Yes, that dream needs to be tempered with some reality (which it definitely sounds like you've got down pat!), but it also helps us reach for the best that's out there, and hopefully spurs us to find the most perfect match (for us individually) that exists. Maybe I'm just young and not willing to let the dream die quite yet, but me, for one, I'm a fan of dreaming of Mr. Knight!

But should we be looking for the perfect match? Or should we be working on ourselves? Or do I think too much. Yes. Lol.

I read often about your situation and I have to say that in spite of your fears and insecurities, I think you have exactly what you are looking for. That 'perfect white knight domly dom to complete me' is sitting right in front of you. You just have to open to receiving it.

You are too wonderful to deny yourself any longer. Grab the brass ring, hun!!

Hee hee, you're nice. But I'm not that wonderful. Last night in the middle of this fight, all of these asshole thoughts go through my head like, is he smart enough for me? My Dom should be smarter than me! Is he this, is he that, and on and on. Who thinks like that? I feel like such a little child.

 

[SweetGigi]

Hee hee, you're nice. But I'm not that wonderful. Last night in the middle of this fight, all of these asshole thoughts go through my head like, is he smart enough for me? My Dom should be smarter than me! Is he this, is he that, and on and on. Who thinks like that? I feel like such a little child.

We each have moments in time when we think things like this. It is human to be this way when in a defensive posture. The question begs to be asked, though, do you feel this way when you aren't fighting. I don't think you are a bad person for these things.... just human.