Submissions

[Djmac1031]

https://darkwanderer.net/ams/dark-allure-blond-yearning-part-1.18428/ Its posted on this webpage. So what's the issue here?

well, badly written/ formatted dialog to start:

So black cock is bigger?" – Nekane

"Yes, ma/am!" Victory

“But even for black cock you must be exceptional?- Nekane

"Yes, ma'am! This is Zulu dick! The biggest of the big black cock! 14 and a half inches!

The biggest and best of the Zulu dick!” Victory

 

[Djmac1031]

well, badly written/ formatted dialog to start:

I realize I was rather short here but only because I was tired, so let me expand to be more helpful.

Your dialog is badly formatted throughout the story. Here's how the example i shared above should look;

"So black cock is bigger?" Nekane asked.

"Yes, ma/am!" Victory answered.

“But even for black cock you must be exceptional?" Nekane remarked.

"Yes, ma'am! This is Zulu dick! The biggest of the big black cock! 14 and a half inches! The biggest and best of the Zulu dick!” Victory proclaimed.


You're also missing punctuation all over the place, I had to add several quotation marks in that example alone.

Your story also slips between past and present tense several times throughout.

And finally as was also mentioned by another, you tend to write the same descriptive phrases repeatedly throughout.

I highly suggest finding an editor or at least some editing software that isn't AI.

Clean it up and resubmit. Hope this helps.

 

[princeShaka]

Ok, that helps. Thanks.

 

[Noks]

"Yes, ma'am! This is Zulu dick! The biggest of the big black cock! 14 and a half inches! The biggest and best of the Zulu dick!” Victory proclaimed.

 

[princeShaka]

That's right!

 

[onehitwanda]

well, badly written/ formatted dialog to start:

What the fuck did I just read.

 

[StillStunned]

What the fuck did I just read.

The work of someone just learning the principles of the hobby, perhaps, or from a culture where dialogue conventions are different.

 

[onehitwanda]

The work of someone just learning the principles of the hobby, perhaps, or from a culture where dialogue conventions are different.

No, I'm talking about the content. I have some passing familiarity with Zulu culture, and... wow, is all. Wow.

 

[Husky_Embrace]

No, I'm talking about the content. I have some passing familiarity with Zulu culture, and... wow, is all. Wow.

That accurate?

I think it is just like Nigerian princes. Take something few people know about (or think other people don't know about) and warp it to your purpose. Action heroes and sci-fi do it all the time. When nuclear technology was there it powered everything. With DNA barely understood it could do anything. Together it created superheroes by altering DNA and fueled space ships. Granted, some eventually make sense. Then there's particle accelerators. Black holes. Dark matter. Each time it is easily misunderstood or simply on the fringe of knowledge it is ripe for abuse. Of course some long lost tribe can then be used for a story vehicle.

I can only imagine the girl in the story laughed as he unsheathed his huge cock. It simply was ridiculous. The man looked hurt. "Of course it is 14 inches now. I just came out of the cold water," he replies to her laughter.