Submission - Domination...a matter of perspective?

[legally_non_blonde]

So I never thought of characterizing myself as a sub or dom before joining lit. Some context - my lovers have been typically much older and I have experienced some great light playful bondage at times. Many friends I have made here though have suggested that I am a sub without realising it. After many exchanges here and reading more it seems there is no real answer. Sometimes I am the one taking the lead and other times I want my lover to just hold me down and ravage me any way he wants. I even asked ppl I have been physically intimate with about how they felt about our sexual dynamic and loved one response in particular - "I like to think I am in control but seeing you like that, my mind is a slave to how your body reacts to what I do and controls what I do next.." Interested to know how others think about this or is it like a fluid thing that flows both ways depending on the moment?

 

[TheOlderGuy]

So I never thought of characterizing myself as a sub or dom before joining lit. My lovers have been typically much older and I have experienced some great playful bondage play too. Many friends I have made here though have suggested that I am a sub without realising it. After many exchanges here and reading more it seems there is no real answer. Sometimes I am the one taking the lead and other times I want my lover to just hold me down and ravage me any way he wants. I even asked ppl I have been physically intimate with and loved one response - "I like to think I am in control but seeing you like that, my mind is a slave to how your body reacts to what I do and controls what I do next.." Interested to know how others think about this or is it like a fluid thing that flows both ways depending on the moment?

Well, you know, I'm supposed to be writing a roleplay for someone, but I couldn't help responding to you here instead. It is a fluid thing. For some people the roles are VERY clearly defined and variation from that chosen power exchange is disturbing. Others have more flexible roles they play, even to the point of being what's called switches, where one time they might be the Dom, and another time they might be the sub. Others don't even think about it, and let it evolve as it naturally will.

You? If you don't have a strong calling for a particular role, then don't concern yourself with it for now. Just enjoy what comes along, know what your particular boundaries are, and don't let anyone violate them, and yet be ready to try something you hadn't yet considered. We are all growing in our sexuality, even those of us that have been "practicing" for decades. At some point it may become crystal clear to you how you want the power exchange in your sex life to be structured. Until then, just let it flow. . .

 

[MeekMe]

Interested to know how others think about this or is it like a fluid thing that flows both ways depending on the moment?

I think this essay by Stella might help you with your answer.

Some switch, some are either or, some are neither, some are bedroom only and some are 24/7. No one way to do it and I'm pretty sure there's more than what I just listed. Do as you feel comfortable and don't let others define you.

 

[SpunThings]

People like to tell others who they are. That doesn't make them right.

 

[Etoile]

People like to tell others who they are. That doesn't make them right.

Ooh, I like this.

Now then - let me describe how complex some of that fluid ebb-and-flow is.

In my case, I service top. My Sir is a switch, and while he's collared to his primary, sometimes he asks me to top him. He gets to do that, because he's my Sir. Does it make him any less dominant to bottom to me? Nope. Does it make me any less submissive to top him? Nope. I am doing it because he asked me to. It feels weird and alien, because I'm only playing the role of a dominant. In fact, he mostly tops from the bottom, asking (politely!) for specific things, because he knows what he needs and I'm like "uhhh how do I do this" anyway! (This, by the way, is why I feel the whole "twoo" thing about "I'm sooooo submissive, I could never top someone" is bullshit - if your dominant wants you to top them, you fucking well top them, and yes it is hard, because it's supposed to be hard to serve well!)

So there's a different perspective for you. Some people switch because it's what they want to do, it's who they are - but some people do it for other reasons. Nothing in this is set in stone, nothing is right or wrong, as long as informed consent is present.

 

[cookiecat]

Sometimes labels are just a starting point for a conversation. I identify as submissive. When I was first monkeying around with bdsm, saying I was submissive and putting that box around me felt safe but it kept me from experiencing things I didn't think a sub "should."

Now, I like flexible. I had a similar experience to Etoile's. A dominant partner asked me to use a strap-on on him. I was horrifed. It felt too toppy! Too dominant. I thought of myself as the receiver, not the giver. We had a little power struggle... guess who won? Strap-on fun was had!

That taught me a huge lesson. Keeping myself limited by a label prevented me from being a good submissive and honestly, from having way more fun.

 

[legally_non_blonde]

Sometimes labels are just a starting point for a conversation.....That taught me a huge lesson. Keeping myself limited by a label prevented me from being a good submissive and honestly, from having way more fun.

Awesome point and sexual role reversals spice things up. I guess even without such explicit identifiers we, maybe like subconsciously, constantly switch between them

 

[ratherabsurd1]

I think if both people click it is a seamless flow of events with both parties so aware of the other person

I think there is only one truly accurate label. I am uniquely me, and as such let me be who I am and not what you want.

 

[cascadiabound]

Labels are only useful in as much as they help you understand yourself or help you to explain yourself to others. They should never be limiting or keep you in a box. None of us are only any of our labels. And so many of our labels are fluid from situation to situation or through our lifetime.

I identify as a wife, a daughter, a sister, a feminist, a person of faith, a submissive, a sexual being, a progressive, a liberal, a rope bunny, a powerful woman, a flirt, a friend, a role model, an aunt, an artist, an educator.

And I would defy anyone to tell me how to exactly define any of those terms. They are for me to define for myself.

I do find that I am most myself when I am able to be in a D/s relationship. In that context I find I am able to be the most me of all the other things I am.

 

[AKentuckyLady]

I think if both people click it is a seamless flow of events with both parties so aware of the other person

I think there is only one truly accurate label. I am uniquely me, and as such let me be who I am and not what you want.

Can you please turn on your PM's so I can reply to yours? I hate sticking this here but there's no other way to contact you

 

[legally_non_blonde]

I think this essay by Stella might help you with your answer.

Some switch, some are either or, some are neither, some are bedroom only and some are 24/7. No one way to do it and I'm pretty sure there's more than what I just listed. Do as you feel comfortable and don't let others define you.

Thx! Very enlightening!