sub, Switch or Domme...?

[Safphyre]

... I have a little predicament on my hands.. perhaps ya'll could give me a bit of insight.

As I previously mentioned somewhere I am currently in contact by e-mail with 2 separate potential people ... one a Dom and the other a bi Domme.

Now originally the bi Domme sent me an e-mail asking me if I was interested in helping her with her subs. This confused me a bit because I clearly stated that I was new to the lifestyle and looking for a male. The possibility of including a second man or woman could be a possibility somewhere down the line but definitely not to start off with.

I won’t bullshit you guys …I definitely have a lot of baggage I need to work through due to certain situations I have been in and I make very sure to make that all known pretty early on with anyone I am in contact with and starting to consider a relationship with.

I asked the Domme a few questions about what she required and was told she wanted me to administer “ OTK (over the knee) spankings when needed, cuddling a sub in your warm arms and lap, and using a strap on dildo to penetrate a sub (gently, not roughly)”.

Now, in some ways this appeals to and others I think …noo wayyy. I can just picture myself standing there trying to fuck some sub with a strap on and stopping every 2 seconds asking them if they are ok and hoping I’m not hurting them. It’s a comical mental picture at the very least.

My biggest problem is that I associate these as Dom/mme activities. I e-mailed her back and politely thanked her for her interest but told her I thought I was the wrong person for this.

We have exchanged a couple more e-mails about this and many of my “hang-ups” and while I am still unsure that I would be able to do what she originally requested to her satisfaction (and she knows this) I fids her a wonderfully understanding and accepting Domme and for whatever reason I am drawn to her. (She reminds me a lot of Shadowdreams… and while I do not know either well … I get a general feeling of well being and safety from both)

So … now we are talking about having me start with a Switch male of hers and we will work from there and see what happens. Still … if I am to work towards what she desires.. does that not make me the Domme in the situation?

 

[RJMasters]

Flags going up all over the place here

Safphyre,

To answer the last part of your question

"does that not make me the Domme in the situation?"

Not neccessarily, depending on how involved the Domme will be when you are with the swtich. If you are obeying her commands as she issues them, then it more of an obedience thing taking place. Same goes for the spanking or any other duty of this nature.

If the Domme is not even planning on being present but expects you to perform these duties on your own....not good.

Over-all with the baggage you have, I am not sure this whole thing is such a good idea. This obviously creates alot of anxiety in you, and you don't seem to be at peace with it. More times than not when we make decsions in life out of fear or anxiety it turns out poorly and rarely is good for growth. In other words only adds more baggage.

My thoughts would be if this Domme truely wanted you, she would take you and help you with your current baggage, then as you grow under Her, begin to let you take on these other things as you are comfortable under Her supervision.

Only you know your situation better than anyone else. Better to remain still and take care of any flags you may be feeling about this whole thing. And also know that what you are going to, willl help you with your current issues.

 

[Safphyre]

How right you are RJ...thank you very much !!

What I did not manage to relay here is thatt I am actually very at ease with her plans as they stand right now. The plan is for me to start with the male switch ( being the Dom) training me ... under Her supervision to help me deal with some of this so called "baggage" and take things from there.

The original request is what confuses me... it just acreams Dom to me ...

 

[Shadowsdream]

Ok...in your own mind have you seen yourself as a submissive or a Dominant?

If you...with no experience...have seen yourself as a submissive why would you begin your journey Dominating?

When you can answer those questions you will know what is right or wrong for you.

On that note I will simply say...do not accept a position out of excitement, desperation or obligation.

If you are genuinely drawn to this scenerio as well as to the Dominant then perhaps you already know the answer to your own question.

I may have been less than no help at all...but do believe that you have a few questions to answer honestly for yourself.

good luck ~~smile~~

 

[soapstar]

Ok...in your own mind have you seen yourself as a submissive or a Dominant?

If you...with no experience...have seen yourself as a submissive why would you begin your journey Dominating?

When you can answer those questions you will know what is right or wrong for you.

On that note I will simply say...do not accept a position out of excitement, desperation or obligation.

If you are genuinely drawn to this scenerio as well as to the Dominant then perhaps you already know the answer to your own question.

I may have been less than no help at all...but do believe that you have a few questions to answer honestly for yourself.


I havent figured out how to do the snip thing, but surely accepting a position (Im reading this to mean *Its all ON*) out of excitement is a GOOD thing? Obviously you do a sanity check, but excitement rates highly with me.
good luck ~~smile~~

 

[soapstar]

Wow, how did that happen. My comment got lost.

Ah well, maybe next year I'll come up with the ooomph to make another.

 

[FungiUg]

You buried it inside the quote.

If you're feeling safe, and happy with the people involved, then experimenting sounds like a good idea to me. I've learned a lot about myself by experimenting.

Just... be careful, and be ready to step outside to calm down or to say "no" or "stop" if you need to. Be upfront about those needs.

 

[Safphyre]

Well tonight I made my decision and I decided against any training with her. I based my decision on the fact that I was having such a hard time making a decision about it in the first place.

Except now I am double guessing that decision too ... maybe I am not as ready for this as I thought ... <sighs>

 

[FungiUg]

If you are struggling to make a choice, that's a good indication that you need to back off for a while, at least until the choice becomes clear.

Trust your own instincts, and where they are not clear, wait until they become so.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I can identify some with what you are experiencing, recently going through a similar situation. The thought of dominating someone has no appeal to me, except when it is to please my Dominant. He demanded it for a number of reasons, and because I tend to always try to do my best at anything I attempt, especially if it is to please him, I did exceptionally well from both the submissive's and Master's POV. I enjoyed the experience at that moment and began questioning if that then made me a switch or what...the confusioin was not a pretty sight.

Took a lot of soul searching, then talking with the Masterful One to realise that my level of enjoyment came solely from succeeding to accomplish that which he ordered me to, and knowing I was pleasing him beyond his expectations, not the actual dominating itself. As he pointed out to me before and after, any power I had was only because he trusted and gave it to me and allowed me to experience it, not because I seized it through my own will or desire. I also found the experience gave me some extended insight into my own submission, and a way to appreciate the Dominant's position from a different perspective. Perhaps this could be a good experience for you in many ways if you feel a connection and possible bond of trust with this woman. It certainly is not the most common, but that does not mean it would not be good..and maybe the labels will then fall where they are meant to as well. Enjoy your journey of exploration whichever path it takes you down.

Catalina