Sub in training could use some help

[TySlut26]

This'll sound a little vague but I'm a female submissive that's been being trained by her Dom for only about three weeks so far and I sort of need some advice. I honestly like submitting to him but sometimes I have a tendency to be a bit insolent, mainly because I'm still adjusting to my new role. I've always always always been one to talk back to authority, make snide remarks, be sacastic, etc. but now I can't do that anymore, at least not with him, and basically I'm just asking for some tips I could use to help me control my tongue because I really want to be a good submissive and nipple clamps hurt, damn it.

On top of that I tend to question his motives, argue with punishments, pull away from him, whine, complain, you know... all that good stuff that gets me nothing but a few slaps with that satanic metal rod (I have to admit though, it's pretty efficient; it hurts like bloody hell but doesn't make too much noise which is good cuz I live in an apartment and won't leave lasting welts). So does anyone know if there's anything I could do, or he could do, to help me be a better submissive so I can get my training over with as quickly as possible (he says the training is the hardest part)?

Oh, and also, he's got switching tendencies and I could be wrong but I'm assuming he'll let me be dominant every few weeks and I could really use some pointers because I've never been the sexually dominating type. But I've gotta say, he let me be dominant for a few hours last night and it was a thrill being able to get a bit of revenge. He even agreed not to use this one nipple clamp anymore that I absolutely loathe (it's been known to draw a tiny bit of blood) because now he knows what it feels like



So yeah... long story short, I've got a fiery tongue that needs taming and could use a few domme pointers. I'd really appreciate it.

 

[Desdemona]

Look. Pick one role and work on getting it right. Then worry about switching later. And, BTW, being dominant is not about getting revenge.

 

[A Desert Rose]

This'll sound a little vague but I'm a female submissive that's been being trained by her Dom for only about three weeks so far and I sort of need some advice. I honestly like submitting to him but sometimes I have a tendency to be a bit insolent, mainly because I'm still adjusting to my new role. I've always always always been one to talk back to authority, make snide remarks, be sacastic, etc. but now I can't do that anymore, at least not with him, and basically I'm just asking for some tips I could use to help me control my tongue because I really want to be a good submissive and nipple clamps hurt, damn it.

On top of that I tend to question his motives, argue with punishments, pull away from him, whine, complain, you know... all that good stuff that gets me nothing but a few slaps with that satanic metal rod (I have to admit though, it's pretty efficient; it hurts like bloody hell but doesn't make too much noise which is good cuz I live in an apartment and won't leave lasting welts). So does anyone know if there's anything I could do, or he could do, to help me be a better submissive so I can get my training over with as quickly as possible (he says the training is the hardest part)?

Oh, and also, he's got switching tendencies and I could be wrong but I'm assuming he'll let me be dominant every few weeks and I could really use some pointers because I've never been the sexually dominating type. But I've gotta say, he let me be dominant for a few hours last night and it was a thrill being able to get a bit of revenge. He even agreed not to use this one nipple clamp anymore that I absolutely loathe (it's been known to draw a tiny bit of blood) because now he knows what it feels like



So yeah... long story short, I've got a fiery tongue that needs taming and could use a few domme pointers. I'd really appreciate it.

You bring up a whole lot of things but one thing stands out to me real big...

Do you really think that the training is ever over, let alone as "quickly as possible"? I can tell you from my own experiences that it's never over. Every time you enter a new relationship or move along on this journey with Someone special, it's another learning experience.

Or it should be. And it is for me.

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[pandoravampire]

hello, im only a few weeks into this myself, but allready, i am enjoying the training aspect. I am finding what i learn spills over into everyday life. Knowledge about not being a smart arse for instance. Ive had to question what was the real motive behind my comment, what was it that i was asking for? Then to rephrase it in such a way that is more likely to achieve my goal.

Maybe a great place to ask this question is in front of him. Being a smart arse is a style of communicating that does not achieve much does it? You may get a quick smirk for being so clever, but nobody else thinks it is. Im sure that you would like to stop having automatic thoughts and comments as these, or you would not be here asking. The first step of unlearning a behaviour is awareness, you have this allready. Being punished is not a widely accepted successful teaching method, it leaves too much to chance that you 'get it'. But talking through with him why he has punished, what it is he does not want to see in his sub. Why you are doing this, and what your trying to achieve with the comments, well its back to communication AGAIN.

Its tough starting out, it must be really hard to begin training as a sub but also as a switch? Too hard for me. Maybe not for you, but how can you learn something that is clearly so intrinsicly based on submission, if your topping? Sounds very confusing to me.

Personally, if ive been a smart arse, it ruins the D/s dynamic. It always interupts the flow coz ive cocked it up with my glib comment. I tend to do that if im finding something difficult, if im being pushed, so i flip things round with my comment to protect myself from my fear. Sure, it gets me out of that difficulty temporarily, but ruins the D/s moment/vibe/dynamic, so its not worth doing. Im better off and maybe you would too, by looking at why something is provoking this response from me. Its always down to how difficult it is for me to allow another the control. But i gave this willingly, i cant keep taking it back when the going gets tough, or i wont grow.

Im a switch. But im in a relationship with a Dom who is not. Thankfully, or i would never learn, id take over and be a
Domme again. This was a mistake i was repeating and not liking the consequences of, so i had to take the risk of going all the way into a relationship that would not allow my Domme out to play.

Having found someone who i really wish to submit to, im not going to fuck that up with my topping. Activities that maybe described as more D than s for me to do, i have learnt that they are on his terms, for his pleasure, not mine in the giving of. Ive had to put that side of me away, its not appropriate with this person. That this was D/s with me submitting is something i agreed to do to the best of my ability, i may not get it right, but im trying. So long as i try my best, there is no punishment.

This is perhaps one of the most intense challenging things ive done. Its really hard for me, but the rewards are just haven on earth. Im vulnerable as i fall hook line and sinker for this guy. Being glib with the smart arse comments was my way of trying to keep this as a play partner and not a relationship. But ive come to realise that by limiting how far i will submit, dictates how much i can be dominated, so ive stopped doing that, risky eh? Brave certainly, rewarding-definately!.

So for all the joys and sorrows ive set myself up for? Bring it on!

Good luck with your journey.

 

[A Desert Rose]

You need to read. And you need to read a lot.

The library is a great source of information, for new people and old posters, alike. And there are numerous people who will be very helpful if you want to PM them. I have found very few who do not respond to my questions.

This thread is full of soooo many subtopics that it's almost impossible to address it and to do it justice, at the same time.

 

[TySlut26]

Pandoravampire- It's nice to know I'm not the only one that's struggling with the whole giving up control bit. It is pretty hard. I don't know about you and your Dom but with us, the rule is basically that the only power I have is to end the relationship. I'm not allowed to have any limits or privacy or anything like that. He showed me that today when he ordered me to give him my journal. That's without a doubt the most personal and off-limits thing that I own. But in our relationship, an order's an order. So I gave it to him. He actually didn't read it, he just opened it to the first page then gave it back to me, which I'm VERY grateful for but there's no question that he could've read the whole thing right in front of me if he felt like it.

I'm technically not allowed to question him either. Sometimes I have no idea why I'm being punished so that makes it kind of hard to improve. And I have a habit of making the situation worse by questioning him anyway.

I am thinking about what you said though, about how being a smart ass gets in the way of my submission and therefore our relationship. That really did help.


Desdemona- Look, I'm new to this. Maybe no one ever told you but it's not necessary or very becoming to talk down to people like that.

 

[A Desert Rose]

Pandoravampire- It's nice to know I'm not the only one that's struggling with the whole giving up control bit. It is pretty hard. I don't know about you and your Dom but with us, the rule is basically that the only power I have is to end the relationship. I'm not allowed to have any limits or privacy or anything like that. He showed me that today when he ordered me to give him my journal. That's without a doubt the most personal and off-limits thing that I own. But in our relationship, an order's an order. So I gave it to him. He actually didn't read it, he just opened it to the first page then gave it back to me, which I'm VERY grateful for but there's no question that he could've read the whole thing right in front of me if he felt like it.

I'm technically not allowed to question him either. Sometimes I have no idea why I'm being punished so that makes it kind of hard to improve. And I have a habit of making the situation worse by questioning him anyway.

I am thinking about what you said though, about how being a smart ass gets in the way of my submission and therefore our relationship. That really did help.


Desdemona- Look, I'm new to this. Maybe no one ever told you but it's not necessary or very becoming to talk down to people like that.

She's not talking down to you any more than I have been.

You're obviously confused as to what you are... switch, sub, Domme. Her's is pretty sound advice and you need to get used to how people post here before you jump to the conclusion that some one is being rude to you.

Or not.

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[redelicious]

Pandoravampire- It's nice to know I'm not the only one that's struggling with the whole giving up control bit. It is pretty hard. I don't know about you and your Dom but with us, the rule is basically that the only power I have is to end the relationship. I'm not allowed to have any limits or privacy or anything like that. He showed me that today when he ordered me to give him my journal. That's without a doubt the most personal and off-limits thing that I own. But in our relationship, an order's an order. So I gave it to him. He actually didn't read it, he just opened it to the first page then gave it back to me, which I'm VERY grateful for but there's no question that he could've read the whole thing right in front of me if he felt like it.

I'm technically not allowed to question him either. Sometimes I have no idea why I'm being punished so that makes it kind of hard to improve. And I have a habit of making the situation worse by questioning him anyway.

You are three weeks into your training and already you have no limits? Are you comfortable with that? Because I'd get the hell out.

And the not questioning thing - sounds counter-productive to me. Maybe there's a reason he doesn't want you to question him?

I'm not saying that not having limits or being able to question him aren't part of some D/s relationships, but in your case (being new) I'm suspicious. My experience is limited, but I have a hard time believing that the TRUST required for that sort of power-exchange can be developed in 3 weeks. Maybe that's the source of your control issues. Think your gut might be telling you something?

 

[A Desert Rose]

Well cutie, she has ignored my posts entirely and taken issue with those of another MORE experienced sub than myself.

If you don't like the responses you get on a thread, perhaps you should think twice about posting it to begin with... or perhaps you should write them a bit differently.

Unfortunately, or fortunately, there are many here who post like I do, like Des does, and so on. We don't mince words and we don't get all flowery and huggy.

Being submissive is serious business to some of us because that IS the essence of who and what we are.

 

[TySlut26]

Point taken. Desdemona, I apologize, that was just a slight flare of the attitude problem I was talking about.

I'm not confused about what I am though. I'm without a doubt submissive but if my Dom wants me to be in control for a night, then I will and I'll do the best I can. So I can't pick a side and stick to it. He won't let me. But you're right, it shouldn't be about taking revenge the only thing is, I'm really not dominant by nature at all, so I'm completely clueless as to what I should be trying to accomplish.

And I have been reading a lot. My Master introduced me to this site for that reason.

Oh, and the reason I'm attracted to the whole D/s lifestyle... I'm not exactly sure but I think it has something to do with how no one ever laid down the law with me, ever. Not my parents, teachers, no one. I'd even be a smart assed bitch to cops. I remember cursing one out when I was like ten. And if anyone ever tried to control me, I wouldn't let them. It was as simple as that. But that's no way to live, having no discipline at all. I tried to discipline myself over a year ago but that actually led to a pretty nasty eating disorder. Whoops.

I've actually been into it for about four years, since I was 14 but it wasn't until a few months ago when unbeknownst to me I met my future boyfriend at a party who would by lucky chance (or fate?) harbor a desire to instill discipline in me, in the exact way I've always wanted a boyfriend to do. Slightly relevant fact; I only lost my virginity to him about six weeks ago. So please understand that I really really am new to this. Not just D/s but sex in general. So, that's my life story in a very tiny nutshell. I really do appreciate everyone's advice though and yes, ADR, I'll keep reading. Thanks all!

 

[A Desert Rose]

I had a friend bump a couple threads for you to read. One is by quietwillow and the other by foxy.

I think you might find some interesting and helpful thoughts in them and maybe you might want to add some of your own there, too. Considering what you just now posted about your life and, in your words, "attitude" I think there might be some things in there for you to think about and that might be incorperated into your life and lifestyle.

Good reading to you and please, do not hesitate to ask questions or PM people who you think you might trust. People here are very anxious to be helpful.

 

[Desdemona]

Point taken. Desdemona, I apologize, that was just a slight flare of the attitude problem I was talking about.

I'm not confused about what I am though. I'm without a doubt submissive but if my Dom wants me to be in control for a night, then I will and I'll do the best I can. So I can't pick a side and stick to it. He won't let me. But you're right, it shouldn't be about taking revenge the only thing is, I'm really not dominant by nature at all, so I'm completely clueless as to what I should be trying to accomplish.

And I have been reading a lot. My Master introduced me to this site for that reason.

Oh, and the reason I'm attracted to the whole D/s lifestyle... I'm not exactly sure but I think it has something to do with how no one ever laid down the law with me, ever. Not my parents, teachers, no one. I'd even be a smart assed bitch to cops. I remember cursing one out when I was like ten. And if anyone ever tried to control me, I wouldn't let them. It was as simple as that. But that's no way to live, having no discipline at all. I tried to discipline myself over a year ago but that actually led to a pretty nasty eating disorder. Whoops.

I've actually been into it for about four years, since I was 14 but it wasn't until a few months ago when unbeknownst to me I met my future boyfriend at a party who would by lucky chance (or fate?) harbor a desire to instill discipline in me, in the exact way I've always wanted a boyfriend to do. Slightly relevant fact; I only lost my virginity to him about six weeks ago. So please understand that I really really am new to this. Not just D/s but sex in general. So, that's my life story in a very tiny nutshell. I really do appreciate everyone's advice though and yes, ADR, I'll keep reading. Thanks all!

No problem. I'm just now back and seeing the thread again.

My point is simply that learning your roles in this is hard. I feel like such a newbie even though ADR talks about me as experienced. I have so much to learn. You can't know it all at once. You can't get it all right at once. All you can do is take little steps and ask lots of questions. Then you try and make mistakes. I sure have and still will screw up. That's why I say, pick one aspect and go with it for a while. Get a feel for it. Maybe you want to pick temper management or how not to talk back disrespectfully as a start, since you mention them. It honestly doesn't matter where you start, but you just pick one or 2 issues and work on them. Then, when you have a handle on those, you pick something else to work on.

I see your point about your dominant not allowing you to choose one role... yet I look at it another way. I am submissive. I don't have a dominant bone in my body. Yet, I have tied up my dominant partner at his request and done things that some might see as topping. Yet, the whole time, he retained the control. It was for his pleasure, not mine. When you do this sort of thing for his pleasure and under his direction, it's still a form of submission in my eyes. I took no pleasure in "topping" and truly was not topping. I was just following orders. Do you get what I mean?

I'm with red... it's awfully early to not have limits. I actually have a couple more limits now than I did when I started. That's because some things sound better in theory than they are when you put them into real life practice. And frankly, you just can't try it all at once... at least I can't. Some things grow on you as you try them, other things become almost repulsive quite quickly. You never know until you've spent some time on trying.

Sure, you can be a switch and try the different roles. Just for now, try one and figure out how that works for you for a while. Then, try the other role consistently for a while. After that, you'll have a better idea of what you really like and what you really need.

After 3 years, I'm finally getting clear in my own head and heart what is important to me, what is nice to have, and what I never ever want to do again. But, maybe I'm a slow learner. I hope your journey will be smoother and with less painful lessons than I have had. As the ever wonderful ADR said, don't hesitate to ask questions either publicly in a thread or to individuals in a PM. You might not always like the answer, but that's not necessarily a bad thing either, although sometimes it can be uncomfortable.

 

[A Desert Rose]

... I feel like such a newbie even though ADR talks about me as experienced. I have so much to learn...

I want to grow up and be a newbie like you, then.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I would say the tips and support you have been given here are good. I also would second concentrating on one role for now as it is not something which is easy to perfect no matter how much you want to....reality is, none of us are perfect and perfection is a subjective reality, and one which is forever changing. I do not envision a time when I will ever feel 100% happy with myself as a slave, nor how I serve, but the important thing is he is happy even with all my imperfections.

As to 'no limits'. I would be careful as to going there at this stage. It is not something you can take lightly unless it is 'no limits, but I won't do x, y, z'...which I find is usually the case. No limits means no limits...so in essence you are not able to say no if the Dominant says they have decided to cut you all over including your face leaving permanent scars, they are going to send you out to work as a sex worker, they will lock you in a cage and never let you out again, they expect you to act as their toilet etc, etc.... the list is endless and unless you know someone extremely well first (and that takes time and a variety of situations), you are running a huge risk in entering a no limits agreement, not to mention setting yourself up for failure. I am in such a relationship of my own chosing and no, it is not easy and I do not always like his choices, nor do I always succeed, but I also didn't commit to it without first knowing him through and through and building trust over a period of time, and without him cautioning me repeatedly before accepting my no limits submission.....the fact he is also my husband helped, but does not mean he will choose things I will like or even find possible, or things which are in the realm of what most would want or find acceptable....but I have to find a way of adjusting and making them possible regardless because that is what it means. Good luck in your journey, it can be fun and definately will teach you a lot about yourself.

Catalina

 

[TySlut26]

Redilicious- Sorry, I completely missed your post. I dunno, I also kinda think it's too soon to have no limits but the thing is... I *kinda* have limits. For example, I reeeeaaaally don't wanna have sex with any other men because my Dom's the only one I've ever slept with and as long as we're together (which I hope is a very long time) I want to keep it that way. He knows how I feel about that issue and he says that if he wanted me to have sex with another man I would, and he's right. If he insisted, I'd put up a helluva fight but eventually comply. The thing is though, I highly doubt he'll ever make me do that. Maybe a blow job under special circumstances, but not sex. See, we made a deal. I belong to him, completely. The only right I have is to leave. I agreed to this under the condition that he take care of me. And he accepted. I've told him of all the types of situations that would absolutely break my heart so if he made me do any of them, that wouldn't be taking care of me. He'd be breaking his promise to me and I honestly trust that he won't do that.

Catalina- It's funny you mention the whole toilet thing. He sort of tested me this morning. He said that was what he was gonna do with me, right then. Inside my head, I was completely freaking out. I did NOT want to do that at all. I cried, begged, whimpered, anything you could think of that might make him reconsider, I did, but he was relentless. So I finally complied, he put it in my mouth, smiled, and took it out. He would've never really done it and as much as I was shaking just from the thought, a very large part of me knew he wouldn't make me do that. So I don't really have limits, but I'm allowed to strongly insist that he doesn't do something. I know I'm very new to this but in my opinion he has as much of a duty to me as I do to him, at least on a very inner level. I would never dream about doing anything traumatic to him so therefore I have no reason to believe that he'd ever do anything traumatic to me.

 

[AvaAdore]

Catalina- It's funny you mention the whole toilet thing. He sort of tested me this morning. He said that was what he was gonna do with me, right then. Inside my head, I was completely freaking out. I did NOT want to do that at all. I cried, begged, whimpered, anything you could think of that might make him reconsider, I did, but he was relentless. So I finally complied, he put it in my mouth, smiled, and took it out. He would've never really done it and as much as I was shaking just from the thought, a very large part of me knew he wouldn't make me do that. So I don't really have limits, but I'm allowed to strongly insist that he doesn't do something. I know I'm very new to this but in my opinion he has as much of a duty to me as I do to him, at least on a very inner level. I would never dream about doing anything traumatic to him so therefore I have no reason to believe that he'd ever do anything traumatic to me.

My boyfriend did exactly the same thing! Only i was willing but terrified.

 

[Netzach]

"But he didn't do it, he'd never do it"

And that's what we call training, kids.

Never say never. A good Dominant has incredible reserves of patience. I have photos of my boy in a cage under special circumstances, this is someone who detests seeing *other* subs in cages, let alone him.

IMO, the only mis-step here really sounds like this "sometimes I don't know why I'm being punished"

if you "need the law laid down" you deserve to know what the law is, I think something like that might be better for you than ambiguity and loopholes, just my sticking my nose in.

If he wants to train you as a service Top, that's cool, sounds like he has things he can learn about his tolerances as a bottom, and maybe it helps keep him feeling empathic and even-keeled.

 

[Guest]

Redilicious- Sorry, I completely missed your post. I dunno, I also kinda think it's too soon to have no limits but the thing is... I *kinda* have limits. For example, I reeeeaaaally don't wanna have sex with any other men because my Dom's the only one I've ever slept with and as long as we're together (which I hope is a very long time) I want to keep it that way. He knows how I feel about that issue and he says that if he wanted me to have sex with another man I would, and he's right. If he insisted, I'd put up a helluva fight but eventually comply. The thing is though, I highly doubt he'll ever make me do that. Maybe a blow job under special circumstances, but not sex. See, we made a deal. I belong to him, completely. The only right I have is to leave. I agreed to this under the condition that he take care of me. And he accepted. I've told him of all the types of situations that would absolutely break my heart so if he made me do any of them, that wouldn't be taking care of me. He'd be breaking his promise to me and I honestly trust that he won't do that.

Catalina- It's funny you mention the whole toilet thing. He sort of tested me this morning. He said that was what he was gonna do with me, right then. Inside my head, I was completely freaking out. I did NOT want to do that at all. I cried, begged, whimpered, anything you could think of that might make him reconsider, I did, but he was relentless. So I finally complied, he put it in my mouth, smiled, and took it out. He would've never really done it and as much as I was shaking just from the thought, a very large part of me knew he wouldn't make me do that. So I don't really have limits, but I'm allowed to strongly insist that he doesn't do something. I know I'm very new to this but in my opinion he has as much of a duty to me as I do to him, at least on a very inner level. I would never dream about doing anything traumatic to him so therefore I have no reason to believe that he'd ever do anything traumatic to me.

Yah know --I LOVE advice - always makes people feel better for giving it..And it is so seldom followed that it's actually pretty hard to get in trouble...

Yup ...you need to read .. A lot.. (but then so do we all eh?)

But yah know it's time for me to make the one suggestion that almost no one else will make.

It's time to turn the computer off.

And while it's off ..It's time for the two of you to sit down and have a LONG talk...
Might I suggest that the first time you talk to each other about some of these things - it be on neutral ground.
Now, unlike what some people I have known think, "neutral" means neither one of you has an advantage.

Time to make sure that you are both on the same page..Since it manifestly seems that you are not.
I do keep seeing what appear to be assumptions..Which means that the terms of this have not been clearly defined..
There is NOTHING wrong in wanting to have things stated clearly and without question. You may (or may not) wish to go so far as to put it all in writing.
Some folks do.
Not a damn thing in the world wrong with that.

 

[TySlut26]

We talk about each other's roles all the time. And we are on the same page, I just wish that sometimes I could hear something more explanatory than "Because I said so." Usually after he says that I like to say "No, no... WHY did you say so?" He doesn't seem to like that very much and it never gets me an answer so maybe I should stop and just accept it.

We do communicate though. Especially after I start crying because he pushes me so hard, and I don't mean "Dear God my nipples hurt" kind of crying (actually I seem to be unable to cry from physical pain... I don't think I have been for the past 7 years) I mean like "Why is this so hard?" kind of crying. That's happened a couple times and every time it does he instantly transforms from strict and sadistic to gentle but firm and that does help me a lot, maybe even more than he realizes (call me spoiled but I can get very depressed when not given enough affection), but I guess he'll find out soon enough because he'll probably be reading this whole post sometime today. He did, after all, make me start it and I'm very glad that he did.

 

[Guest]

We talk about each other's roles all the time. And we are on the same page, I just wish that sometimes I could hear something more explanatory than "Because I said so." Usually after he says that I like to say "No, no... WHY did you say so?" He doesn't seem to like that very much and it never gets me an answer so maybe I should stop and just accept it.

We do communicate though. Especially after I start crying because he pushes me so hard, and I don't mean "Dear God my nipples hurt" kind of crying (actually I seem to be unable to cry from physical pain... I don't think I have been for the past 7 years) I mean like "Why is this so hard?" kind of crying. That's happened a couple times and every time it does he instantly transforms from strict and sadistic to gentle but firm and that does help me a lot, maybe even more than he realizes (call me spoiled but I can get very depressed when not given enough affection), but I guess he'll find out soon enough because he'll probably be reading this whole post sometime today. He did, after all, make me start it and I'm very glad that he did.

Sorry dear...wrong kind of talk...
And "because I said so" is NOT a valid answer...until AFTER the terms have already been set. Once the two of you - thats right - the two of you- have reached agreement...Then that is different - Till then - "Because I said so" is pure unadulterated bullshit.
*sigh* Everyone has limits- both PYL and pyl's..
If you "strongly insist" not to do something, you are defining a limit.
I'm struggling to find new and different ways to say something that gets said all the time. Both here and other places.
And you are saying many of the same things that new folks say- right up till they are going through their third or fourth disaster...
Talk is, as they say, cheap..
And it certainly is a lot easier than the alternatives..
I know from doing things the hard way - years and years ago.
If the "other" is unwilling "or unable" to define terms in at least some semi concrete fashion - It is usually time to move on..

 

[TySlut26]

Well, I'm not particularly fond of the whole "Because I said so" bit either and I keep trying to either get him to stop saying that or at least get a reason as to WHY he's saying that, but like I said... he should be reading this thread sometime today. I don't know if he'll post anything or not but if he does, you can ask him yourself. Maybe he'll tell you cuz you're not his sub. Then I can find out. Or maybe not... cuz if he does read this, he'll know that I'm asking you to ask him so I can find out.

Okay, well... reading over what I just wrote, it doesn't sound very coherent. I haven't slept in about six years and I have a German quiz in less than two hours and three classes that'll drag on till late afternoon to go to so I've gotta wrench myself away from this computer so I don't fail out of college. This is the last oppurtunity I have to freeload off my parents.

MUAH!

 

[Shadowsdream]

We talk about each other's roles all the time. And we are on the same page, I just wish that sometimes I could hear something more explanatory than "Because I said so." Usually after he says that I like to say "No, no... WHY did you say so?" He doesn't seem to like that very much and it never gets me an answer so maybe I should stop and just accept it.

We do communicate though. Especially after I start crying because he pushes me so hard, and I don't mean "Dear God my nipples hurt" kind of crying (actually I seem to be unable to cry from physical pain... I don't think I have been for the past 7 years) I mean like "Why is this so hard?" kind of crying. That's happened a couple times and every time it does he instantly transforms from strict and sadistic to gentle but firm and that does help me a lot, maybe even more than he realizes (call me spoiled but I can get very depressed when not given enough affection), but I guess he'll find out soon enough because he'll probably be reading this whole post sometime today. He did, after all, make me start it and I'm very glad that he did.

When the only answer you ever get is "Because I said so" you can bet your boots he or she doesn't know the answer themselves. Doing is easy...but having a good reason for doing takes more thought.

 

[LadyG]

Talk, talk and more talk. You have to be able to talk to each other about your feelings, what both of you want/expect/need from the relationship.

If he expects you to be open with him, then he has the same responsibility to you.

And limits, as Catalina pointed out, are so very important.

Good luck