Struggling with body image. Do you have any physical "dealbreakers"?

[FarrahMoans]

Not sure if this is the right place to post, but here goes! This is something that I find hard to talk about, and I thought that this might be a good place to go for some serious and brutally honest feedback. I am most interested in hearing from men but would like to know what women's thoughts are, as well.

I think I have a pretty realistic perception of myself. I am late twenties and decently attractive. I don't have issues getting attention from most men that I am interested in. I'm a size 12-14, so on the bigger side, but I have a good shape and can find plenty of people who don't mind a little extra T&A, heh. Clothes on, I'd say I'm a 7, maybe a 7.5 if I put in the effort. I'm also smart, fun, kind and a little bit fucking awesome. I know looks aren't the most important thing around, but I'm realistic. They count.

I said "clothes on" because I gained and lost a lot of weight about a year and a half ago in a short amount of time. That is what it is. I worked hard to lose it and I am proud of myself. I still work out and eat well. I am healthy and happy. BUT, it took its toll on my body. I have some stretch marks and loose skin on my stomach, but I'm most self-conscious about my breasts. Unfortunately, I lost a lot of weight in the chest. They're saggy and soft and generally look a little deflated. Not "flapjack titties" but they're definitely not anywhere close to being big, firm, juicy peaches, either.

This has made sex really difficult for me. I can look at my body on my own and feel sexy. I'm not the typical beauty, but my battle scars tell the story of my life and my strength. However, when I am with a partner, I am completely overcome with anxiety that they don't find me attractive, and nobody wants to be thinking about that during sex. They pick up on my insecurity and it makes it worse for everyone. I end up feeling guilty for my body.

I have a hard time when relationships do become sexual because I dread taking my clothes off for the first time, as though I should warn them, as though I've been deceiving them by wearing a miracle-working pushup bra. It's not a nice way to feel, but I'm not sure how to fix it.

So, my questions are:

1) Are body flaws like scars, stretch marks, loose skin, etc a turn off for you? How important is it for you in a romantic partner?

2) Is this a conversation I should be having with my sexual partners beforehand? How does one even approach this topic?

If you got a girl in the bedroom and she turned out to have a body with some wear and tear like mine, how would you react? Don't worry about hurting my feelings. I'm here for honesty.

Thanks

 

[Mahboodah]

The ultimate thing is if you are confident most guys can look past everything else. When I met my (now) husband 12 years ago I was a size 7 and was a hot one. Now I'm size 20 but he is still very attracted to me. Not just because I'm his wife but bc we can still pleasure each other. Sure, I'd love to lose this weight but health issues at this point and time have put me out. If you feel sexy, men will feed off of that. If you're into it, so are they. I've fooled around with a girl before that had some loose skin and it didn't bother me a bit. She was lovely. Hope this helps!

 

[Jett_73]

If we were all honest with ourselves, I think many of us feel anxious about something when we're naked.
Unless we're two years old, in which case we're happy to run round without pants all day!

As adults though we're more sensitive to our body image. People worry about birth marks, breast shape, the size of their genitals, scars, body hair - a whole host of different things. You're not alone. Moreover, our tight sexy early adult bodies age and start to get larger, wrinkled or saggy. Such is life, and we all have to face this issue at some point.

So, to your situation.

Yes, some men may be turned off by your stretch marks. Some may be surprised but will move past this issue. Others won't be at all.

The important thing is how you feel about this. Your worth as a person is not based on another's assessment of you. It's about how you see yourself. Remember, you had the self-discipline to lose the weight that you were starting to put on and the resulting marks are testament to your courage.

Anyone who is seriously turned off by your scars, you are better off not having in your life. They are the ones who see nothing more about you than the outside. The really worthwhile one will cherish you for who you are, not just what you look like.

When to broach the concern? Well, that depends.

If you're just after recreational sex, who says you have take everything off? Be creative. Partially clothed, costumes or role play can be an exciting alternative. Your partner for one or two sessions need never know.

For a potentially serious relationship, you'll have to judge the right time. Too early and the conversation will just sound weird. Too late and it could be hurtful if there's a problem. Use your best judgement. However, make sure you tackle it in a way which tells him this is a serious issue. Don't be tempted to downplay it hoping for a good outcome. And don't portray it as 'your problem' either. It's something for both of you to work through in the relationship. You may even find that this gives him the opening he needs to talk about some of his own insecurities. Trust engenders trust.

All the best.

 

[Scrubber]

I agree with Jett's suggestion that remaining partially clothed is a good option and can add greatly to the fun. Roleplay could help with this, so long, obviously, as you don't play the role of a stripper!

The thing I would say most of all is just to be confident, and if necessary, fake it till you make it.

I would personally avoid having a discussion about it in advance. You are only drawing attention to it. Quite honestly by the time you are in the throes of passion a lot of stuff you might think people would notice, they don't. And even if they do, they generally don't care.

 

[fire_breeze]

Show me a body that is perfect, without any flaws whatsoever, without any scars, stretches, marks, and I will show you a plastic body.

Even models have some sort of 'imperfections'.

Just my inflated 0.02$.

 

[The_Fool]

The only dealbreaker I have is her personality.

 

[EctoJohn]

1) Are body flaws like scars, stretch marks, loose skin, etc a turn off for you? How important is it for you in a romantic partner?

2) Is this a conversation I should be having with my sexual partners beforehand? How does one even approach this topic?

If you got a girl in the bedroom and she turned out to have a body with some wear and tear like mine, how would you react? Don't worry about hurting my feelings. I'm here for honesty.

Thanks

1) Body flaws like that don't bother me. Admittedly, from when I was a LOT fatter, I have stretch marks myself, but I've learned to not be self concious about them. In a romantic partner, it doesn't matter at all. If I'm romantically involved with someone, I'm already beyond the physical.

2) If you're REALLY worried about it, it can't hurt. To be honest, if I undressed a thicker woman and saw stretch marks, I wouldn't be shocked. I say either don't worry about the subject or wait for them to bring it up as an issue fist. Frankly, anyone who's going that far with you probably is already unconcerned about it.

If I got a girl in the bedroom with a body as you described, it wouldn't bother me in the least. I've been with much worse.
Personally, for me, a pretty face will trump and flaws in the body, and if I have romantic intentions, not just sexual, that erases all body flaws.

I'm not perfect body wise, I wouldn't worry about being with a woman who isn't either.

 

[Sweetdaisymae]

I am what you would probably class as a bigger girl (size 22) I have 2 kids, so along the way the body has done some heavy duty stretching, have scars from operations, and u know what I don't care! I am confident in my sexuality.
I know my figure won't appeal to everyone but hey I am not attracted to every guy I meet and I really really dislike back hair on a fella (sorry guys, wax it and we can talk)
What I am trying to say is that it is a state of mind. Go out with your head up, tits out and a smile on your face, meet the world head on and you will be amazed how much more attractive you will feel and appear.
I know a lot of thin and beautiful people who spend their lives bloody miserable trying to maintain an image. Life is for living! Get out there and have fun AND stop devaluing yourself based on a perceived ideal! Xxx

 

[jd_quiet_guy]

Be confident. Confidence is sexy. everyone has imperfections...it's part of what makes us physically unique. Be you, and be happy about it.

 

[lakesailer_mi]

If we were all honest with ourselves, I think many of us feel anxious about something when we're naked.

Your worth as a person is not based on another's assessment of you.

The only dealbreaker I have is her personality.

Jett and Fool, as usual, have remarkably good insights. (I've paired Jett's down since you can read the original.

For me, if I'm to the point where we are getting into bed, I've already decided i'm attracted to her. And it's a "whole" package kind of thing. I'm looking to accentuate the positives: what about her is positive. Not to examine her for flaws. Also, I'm probably a little worried about my own body and performance.

I think you have to realize that it is highly unlikely your partner is judging you at that point.

I would also point out...this is why many people do it with the lights out.

I wish you the best of luck and great happiness.

 

[julybaby04]

Who doesn't worry about themselves, especially in something so intimate? It is hard having confidence in your own self, especially being a woman, if one is not a size 0....which seems to be the only acceptable way to be these days....

 

[The_Fool]

Who doesn't worry about themselves, especially in something so intimate? It is hard having confidence in your own self, especially being a woman, if one is not a size 0....which seems to be the only acceptable way to be these days....

And you are a classic example. While I may glance and enjoy the whole package, I am always going to be captivated by your eyes, by your smile and by the smile in your eyes.

 

[BellaLovesJazz]

It's the woman's self confidence and self-acceptance that's the turn on, physical flaws and all. She has to be accepting of herself, her decisions she made to bring her to this point in her life, and to not be afraid to go after what she wants. The partner needs to either accept her for who she is now and what she looks like, or she shouldn't be with that partner.

 

[BlackCashmere]

The only dealbreaker I have is her personality.

Well you know I love you...but now I love you even more for saying that...

You are such a gem...

 

[JustaSCOUNDREL]

A bump for a thread that needs it.

 

[sethp]

Not a deal breaker at all. You need to just get over it...the insecurity that is. A few stretch marks, scars, heavy hangers (real men like em!) if your partner has a problem...move on...you don't need them anyways. Send me a pic! You sound delicious!

 

[MaxSmith]

I was discussing just this topic with a really good male friend of mine. I wanted insight into how men, in general, thought about the 'flaws' on a woman. He said that if it is a 'new' relationship and is one that is or has the potential to be long term, he doesn't see the flaws because he already sees the heart.

Then he pointed out that by the time it gets to the intimate point and you see one another naked, (and these are his words), the 16 year old male part of the brain kicks in and all he can think is one of three things: "ohmygod, i get to have sex." "look she's naked, oh, goodie!!" or "look, boobies and I get to touch them."

 

[BotanyBoy]

I'm a hideous individual...but I'm clean, so as long as hygiene is kept well in order IDGAF.

 

[FarrahMoans]

The ultimate thing is if you are confident most guys can look past everything else. When I met my (now) husband 12 years ago I was a size 7 and was a hot one. Now I'm size 20 but he is still very attracted to me. Not just because I'm his wife but bc we can still pleasure each other. Sure, I'd love to lose this weight but health issues at this point and time have put me out. If you feel sexy, men will feed off of that. If you're into it, so are they. I've fooled around with a girl before that had some loose skin and it didn't bother me a bit. She was lovely. Hope this helps!

Confidence is definitely key. Nothing is sexier than someone who's happy in their own skin And I am, but it would make me self-conscious if a partner were turned off by my body, and I know that people have preferences that I won't always measure up to.

Still, this was a lovely and very helpful post! Thank you! I'm sure you are striking and still very hot.

I think this might be better in How To, it's going to get swallowed eventually in the playground and it's a great post/thread.

Thanks Rainshine! I might try posting in How To, as well. Really happy with the responses so far tho!

 

[FarrahMoans]

If we were all honest with ourselves, I think many of us feel anxious about something when we're naked.
Unless we're two years old, in which case we're happy to run round without pants all day!

As adults though we're more sensitive to our body image. People worry about birth marks, breast shape, the size of their genitals, scars, body hair - a whole host of different things. You're not alone. Moreover, our tight sexy early adult bodies age and start to get larger, wrinkled or saggy. Such is life, and we all have to face this issue at some point.

So, to your situation.

Yes, some men may be turned off by your stretch marks. Some may be surprised but will move past this issue. Others won't be at all.

The important thing is how you feel about this. Your worth as a person is not based on another's assessment of you. It's about how you see yourself. Remember, you had the self-discipline to lose the weight that you were starting to put on and the resulting marks are testament to your courage.

Anyone who is seriously turned off by your scars, you are better off not having in your life. They are the ones who see nothing more about you than the outside. The really worthwhile one will cherish you for who you are, not just what you look like.

When to broach the concern? Well, that depends.

If you're just after recreational sex, who says you have take everything off? Be creative. Partially clothed, costumes or role play can be an exciting alternative. Your partner for one or two sessions need never know.

For a potentially serious relationship, you'll have to judge the right time. Too early and the conversation will just sound weird. Too late and it could be hurtful if there's a problem. Use your best judgement. However, make sure you tackle it in a way which tells him this is a serious issue. Don't be tempted to downplay it hoping for a good outcome. And don't portray it as 'your problem' either. It's something for both of you to work through in the relationship. You may even find that this gives him the opening he needs to talk about some of his own insecurities. Trust engenders trust.

All the best.

So true. A saucy little teddy helps me feel much sexier, sometimes. Great option. And I am completely comfortable with myself, and I am pleased with my weight loss. It was hard work! I know I have a lot to offer, and I'm a gift to my partner, both in and out of the bedroom. I deserve to be fully accepted and appreciated. BUT, I also won't fault people for having physical preferences. We all do. If it's something that's very important to them, we won't be compatible. It's easier on my feelings if I'm able to discern this ahead of time, but it's awkward to broach. I've decided honesty is the best policy, though. At least with the man I'm currently seeing. I can tell that looks are important to him, but I hope he likes me enough to move past it. If not, there are plenty of other fish. It'll make me sad for a little while, but c'est la vie.

I agree with Jett's suggestion that remaining partially clothed is a good option and can add greatly to the fun. Roleplay could help with this, so long, obviously, as you don't play the role of a stripper!

The thing I would say most of all is just to be confident, and if necessary, fake it till you make it.

I would personally avoid having a discussion about it in advance. You are only drawing attention to it. Quite honestly by the time you are in the throes of passion a lot of stuff you might think people would notice, they don't. And even if they do, they generally don't care.

Heh, maybe a bashful stripper Sounds like it could have an affected sort of charm...

Confidence is key, and I have it in spades, but of course it's difficult if you know your partner is turned off by your physical appearance. And I'm realistic - I know some people will be. I don't think they're shallow or close-minded, either. They just have their preferences, which they are entitled to. I don't want to draw attention to my insecurities, but I also see value in communicating how important trust and acceptance is for me in embarking upon a physical relationship, and why. Like I said, I think I'm going to bring it up with the guy I'm seeing now. We'll see how it goes. Live and learn, eh? Thanks for your thoughts!

 

[FarrahMoans]

Show me a body that is perfect, without any flaws whatsoever, without any scars, stretches, marks, and I will show you a plastic body.

Even models have some sort of 'imperfections'.

Just my inflated 0.02$.

Agree

We all have our flaws, and the most beautiful people I've ever met have insecurities. But I KNOW some men are turned off by my body type. I've heard them talk about other women. And that's fine.

The only dealbreaker I have is her personality.

Awesome to hear! That's how I feel, too. 97% percent of my attraction to someone is their intelligence, personality and sense of humor.

1) Body flaws like that don't bother me. Admittedly, from when I was a LOT fatter, I have stretch marks myself, but I've learned to not be self concious about them. In a romantic partner, it doesn't matter at all. If I'm romantically involved with someone, I'm already beyond the physical.

2) If you're REALLY worried about it, it can't hurt. To be honest, if I undressed a thicker woman and saw stretch marks, I wouldn't be shocked. I say either don't worry about the subject or wait for them to bring it up as an issue fist. Frankly, anyone who's going that far with you probably is already unconcerned about it.

If I got a girl in the bedroom with a body as you described, it wouldn't bother me in the least. I've been with much worse.
Personally, for me, a pretty face will trump and flaws in the body, and if I have romantic intentions, not just sexual, that erases all body flaws.

I'm not perfect body wise, I wouldn't worry about being with a woman who isn't either.

This was so great to read - thank you Your romantic partners are very lucky.

 

[FarrahMoans]

I am what you would probably class as a bigger girl (size 22) I have 2 kids, so along the way the body has done some heavy duty stretching, have scars from operations, and u know what I don't care! I am confident in my sexuality.
I know my figure won't appeal to everyone but hey I am not attracted to every guy I meet and I really really dislike back hair on a fella (sorry guys, wax it and we can talk)
What I am trying to say is that it is a state of mind. Go out with your head up, tits out and a smile on your face, meet the world head on and you will be amazed how much more attractive you will feel and appear.
I know a lot of thin and beautiful people who spend their lives bloody miserable trying to maintain an image. Life is for living! Get out there and have fun AND stop devaluing yourself based on a perceived ideal! Xxx

Confidence is what it's about! Good for you. And haha @ back hair. I don't mind a lil fuzz Awesome advice. Thank you!!!

Be confident. Confidence is sexy. everyone has imperfections...it's part of what makes us physically unique. Be you, and be happy about it.

Done and done

Jett and Fool, as usual, have remarkably good insights. (I've paired Jett's down since you can read the original.

For me, if I'm to the point where we are getting into bed, I've already decided i'm attracted to her. And it's a "whole" package kind of thing. I'm looking to accentuate the positives: what about her is positive. Not to examine her for flaws. Also, I'm probably a little worried about my own body and performance.

I think you have to realize that it is highly unlikely your partner is judging you at that point.

I would also point out...this is why many people do it with the lights out.

I wish you the best of luck and great happiness.

Hehe the sweet forgiveness of mood lighting. So wonderful to hear responses like yours. I know it won't hold true for all men, but it warms my soul that it seems to be the case for so many others.

Thank you, and same to you!

 

[FarrahMoans]

It's the woman's self confidence and self-acceptance that's the turn on, physical flaws and all. She has to be accepting of herself, her decisions she made to bring her to this point in her life, and to not be afraid to go after what she wants. The partner needs to either accept her for who she is now and what she looks like, or she shouldn't be with that partner.

Totally agree. Thanks, Bella!

A bump for a thread that needs it.

TY so much

Not a deal breaker at all. You need to just get over it...the insecurity that is. A few stretch marks, scars, heavy hangers (real men like em!) if your partner has a problem...move on...you don't need them anyways. Send me a pic! You sound delicious!

 

[FarrahMoans]

I was discussing just this topic with a really good male friend of mine. I wanted insight into how men, in general, thought about the 'flaws' on a woman. He said that if it is a 'new' relationship and is one that is or has the potential to be long term, he doesn't see the flaws because he already sees the heart.

Then he pointed out that by the time it gets to the intimate point and you see one another naked, (and these are his words), the 16 year old male part of the brain kicks in and all he can think is one of three things: "ohmygod, i get to have sex." "look she's naked, oh, goodie!!" or "look, boobies and I get to touch them."

Hehe! That makes me feel good. I've heard the man I'm seeing now be critical of other women's bodies, and I know he has his own body image issues, which is the silliest thing ever, because he's utterly and objectively hot. Not at all what makes me attracted to him, but it's not like I don't notice. I guess it makes me nervous that he's so hard on himself when I think he has so little to worry about. Makes me wonder what he could possibly think of me, but if it's an issue for him, he's just not the one for me, plain and simple. Too bad, because he's got a lot of qualities I really like, but I deserve to be fully accepted and cherished by my partner.

I'm a hideous individual...but I'm clean, so as long as hygiene is kept well in order IDGAF.

Haha! I'm sure you're not, but I shower and brush my teeth regularly, so sounds like we'd be a match!

 

[FarrahMoans]

PHEW! That was a lot of replies at once! Thanks so much, everyone, for weighing in. LOVE hearing your thoughts, and would so enjoy hearing more.

As an update, I've decided to approach the topic with the man I've been seeing. I know he finds me attractive likes me for who I am, but I also have noticed that physical appearance seems to be quite important to him. He comments on other women frequently and on his own body, which is, quite objectively, super hot. We haven't had sex yet. We've almost been there, but I've pulled back and been weird about it because I am anxious about how he'll react to me. It's not a good way to feel, and it makes both of us uncomfortable, I think.

This + your responses have led me to decide that I'm going to talk to him. Just a frank and honest discussion - I think it will be good for him, too, to hear from me that I will always, always be attracted to him no matter what he looks like because I'm so swept up in who he his - his intellect, sense of humor, kindness, etc. I'm going to tell him about my weight loss and say that my body shows it, and that I am happy and confident with myself, but that I am not everyone's idea of a classic beauty, and if the physical is very important to him, then we're not going to be compatible. If he wants out, it will be his loss, and it will hurt my feelings, but I think it will hurt far less than getting intimate, undressed, and THEN getting rejected.

Thanks again to all for the great advice. Will update