Story Feedback..

[rcwilliams]

Hello, I would like some feed back on my two stories that's been approved on 10/2. The story links are in my signature.

Thank you for your time.

RC Williams

 

[8letters]

I looked at "One Night With Angel Ch 01". First off, why post it Non-erotic when it is going to have sex in it? Also, the chapter is way too short. Nothing significant happens in it. The ending is very unsatisfying.

One Friday Autumn evening, 18 year old Maxwell Saberhagen was walking home from an afternoon of playing video games with his friends. Unfortunately for him, he was on the losing end of every single match.

Why "unfortunately"? Losing a video game isn't a tragedy.

Max is 5 foot 11, 190lbs of lean chisled muscle with honey brown hair and brown eyes. He's wearing a pair of jeans, some sneakers and a black pull over jacket covering his black tee shirt.

Tense change. "Honey brown" is an odd phrase. I wouldn't bother with a description at this point as it doesn't really matter.

Max adopted his Mom's good looks with his father's atheltcism. All in all, he has no problems attracting the ladies.

I think you meant "inherited". More tense changes. At this point, you look like an non-English speaking author that is having a difficult time translating their story to English.

As he rounded one of the corners, he reached into his coat and pulled out his wireless controller. This damn thing, must be going out on me. This thing has never been this unresponsive. I'll have to get a new one soon. he thought. That must be the problem. When I get a new one, I will win the next few matches against Robbie and the boys.

Do something to indicate that you are reporting the character's thoughts. Quotes or italics.

None of this is interesting. If you started with Angel calling to Max, the story would be better.

 

[rcwilliams]

Thank you for your input. I'll work on it to make this story better. I had the thoughts in italics but it didn't transfer over unless there's some kind of italic code to put in for it.

Also that chapter only is Non Erotic so that's the reason for it's location there.

 

[sr71plt]

Yes there is a code for italics in the story file. They begin with <I> and end with </I>.

 

[rcwilliams]

Yes there is a code for italics in the story file. They begin with <I> and end with </I>.

Thank you.

 

[8letters]

Also that chapter only is Non Erotic so that's the reason for it's location there.

I would suggest deleting that story, combine with a chapter that has actual sex and then re-post it in a more active category like Erotic Couplings.

Your first chapter is the chapter that is going to get the most views. People who haven't read the first chapter are very likely to skip the second chapter. The top ranked non-chapter story in the last 30 days on Non-Erotic has 872 views. The top ranked non-chapter story in the last 30 days on Erotic Coupling has 4592 views. Putting your first chapter in Non-Erotic is going to dramatically reduce the number of views (and votes and comments) that you get.

Here has how to delete a story

 

[hylas_]

I read "Growing Up"; I'm afraid I didn't particularly enjoy it, and I'm not going to read any more chapters.

I'm generally a fan of very short stories or chapters, but this is too short, even for me. A first chapter needs to give the reader a reason to keep reading, and "Growing Up" doesn't really do that.

The story starts with a boatload of information, as if you're reading out loud a bunch of character sheets. All that information should be either worked into the narrative, or left out completely. I bet a lot of that information isn't really all that important. Also, being used to the metric system, something like 5'11" 190 pounds doesn't really tell me anything. Terms like "of average height", "tall", "slender", "chubby", etc would communicate to a larger audience.

When the info-dump is finally over, we get to a scenario that doesn't interest me at all. To be fair, that's purely subjective, and other readers might find the scenario appealing.

"... grew up together doing the end of our high school years, what happened doing our college years, ..."

I think you meant to write "during", not "doing". There are other weird spots scattered throughout the text. Overall, your language is clear enough, but it could use some polish.

Sorry for the negative feedback, I hope you find some of my thoughts useful nontheless.

 

[rcwilliams]

I would suggest deleting that story, combine with a chapter that has actual sex and then re-post it in a more active category like Erotic Couplings.

Your first chapter is the chapter that is going to get the most views. People who haven't read the first chapter are very likely to skip the second chapter. The top ranked non-chapter story in the last 30 days on Non-Erotic has 872 views. The top ranked non-chapter story in the last 30 days on Erotic Coupling has 4592 views. Putting your first chapter in Non-Erotic is going to dramatically reduce the number of views (and votes and comments) that you get.

Here has how to delete a story

Thank you for the suggestion but I'm going to wait until I go back over and change some things in it like the tense changes.. so many tense changes and unnecessary words... even I see that now... it's going to come down but not right now.. but I'm going to take your suggestion and just make this one chapter.. I'm not into long drawn out chapter but in this case, I don't have a choice. Too many mistakes and unnecessary words.. might as well put what I had planned for chapter two into action right now and hope for the best.

 

[rcwilliams]

I read "Growing Up"; I'm afraid I didn't particularly enjoy it, and I'm not going to read any more chapters.

I'm generally a fan of very short stories or chapters, but this is too short, even for me. A first chapter needs to give the reader a reason to keep reading, and "Growing Up" doesn't really do that.

The story starts with a boatload of information, as if you're reading out loud a bunch of character sheets. All that information should be either worked into the narrative, or left out completely. I bet a lot of that information isn't really all that important. Also, being used to the metric system, something like 5'11" 190 pounds doesn't really tell me anything. Terms like "of average height", "tall", "slender", "chubby", etc would communicate to a larger audience.

When the info-dump is finally over, we get to a scenario that doesn't interest me at all. To be fair, that's purely subjective, and other readers might find the scenario appealing.

"... grew up together doing the end of our high school years, what happened doing our college years, ..."

I think you meant to write "during", not "doing". There are other weird spots scattered throughout the text. Overall, your language is clear enough, but it could use some polish.

Sorry for the negative feedback, I hope you find some of my thoughts useful nontheless.

Ouch.. okay..

I'm sorry that you will not continue to follow along but I thank you for your honesty as well. I will go back and change some of this and re upload it at some point this month.