story feedback

[gordon_a]

I have just started to write erotic literature and would appreciate any criticism, favourable or unfavourable. My first attempts, An Accommodating Lady parts 1 and 2, are at:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=69317

 

[kristydoll]

Hi Gordon,

Congrats on your first attempt. What I think you have here is more of a "scene" then a story - but that is fine.

Most of my thoughts/comments revolve around this older woman - and mainly her dialogue. Somehow, what she says doesn't sound "true" to me.

"Oh yes! It's like an electric shock! I'm feeling so sensitive to your touch, its wonderful! Please don't think I'm a slut!"

The "Please don't think I'm a slut" is one of those times. It could be just me, but it read funny. Same when she called herself a "nympho" and her comment about losing control when tickled. Maybe you have to get more into her character for her usage of these words to ring more true.

The only other small comment I have is to make a new paragraph when another character speaks.

Otherwise, keep working at it! *smiles*

kristy

 

[PaulX35]

A few comments

Gordon,

First of all, congrats on that first story posted!

You made a pretty nice first start I'd say, giving us a well-reading style of writing. I didn't have time to read both. I may later, but for now my comments are based on Ch 1.

The main character's liking for older women is something that could maybe be put into a little more detail. In the current story-line, it almost appears to me as a "ok, if the daughter isn't there, I'll settle for her mom", and I'm not sure that is what you'd want.

The character of the older woman - kristydoll also noted - is not consistent. She sort of balances between a divorcee not minding to finally have some sex again and a woman with a rather more explicit appetite. You can make either choice more convincing, I think, which would make the focus of the story stronger.

Also, the lay-out could do with improvements here and there. Careful checking of quoting direct speech etcetera makes easier reading.

Finally, your best chance of getting lots of feedback is making things easy to find. Your link requires additional searching; standard practice here is to add the actual link to the story/ies, which is what I would advise you to do.

I wish you good luck with your writing

Paul

 

[gordon_a]

Hi kristydoll and PaulX35

I appreciate you taking the time to give me some feedback on my first offerings. After discovering the Literotica website and reading a good number of stories I figured I could do better than some and while this may be true it is certainly not as easy as I thought it would be.

First, Kristy: Being a newspaper journalist all your life does not necessarily equip you to write believable, unstilted dialogue and that is an aspect I am really going to have to work on. Reading the example in your feedback made me cringe with embarrassment but this is the sort of constructive criticism that I sought and need. Funny thing, though, that comment about her losing control when tickled has stuck in my mind for over 30 years and is what she actually said! I have also noted your comment on new paragraphs when another character speaks. Thanks again for the sound advice.


Paul: I never planned the story, just sort of let it unfold, which is, I suppose, not the way to do it, but I had a lot of fun in the process. I agree that I should draw the characters in more detail to make them more convincing. I’m not quite sure what you mean by improving the layout. Also, could you explain briefly to me how to add the actual link to the stories. I am quite challenged when it comes to working computers. Thanks again.

Gordon

 

[PaulX35]

Originally posted by gordon_a

Hi Gordon,


Paul: I never planned the story, just sort of let it unfold, which is, I suppose, not the way to do it, but I had a lot of fun in the process. I agree that I should draw the characters in more detail to make them more convincing.

It's the way quite a few people write their stories, I've often read here, and if it works for them, who am I to say it's not my way of doing it. Characters with real detail can make a story really sing indeed, I agree. I'm also the first to admit that I have a thing for noting inconsistentcies and improbabilities in stories, so it may be my pet-peeve. But in general, a transparant character makes an easier read and will not distract the reader unnecessarily.

Also, could you explain briefly to me how to add the actual link to the stories. I am quite challenged when it comes to working computers. Thanks again.

I'd be the last person to call himself good with computers, but this has shown to be no-no-proof for me:
Look up the story, click on it and let it show up in one of your screens.
Then go to the address-bar of your browser showing the story and copy/cut the http showing there.
Paste that into your request for feedback and make sure you have the following option working: "Automatically parse URLs". It's the first one appearing under Options when you post a thread. That will give us the actual link.
You can test-run if it works by previewing your post.

Hope that helps,

Paul

 

[gordon_a]

Thanks Paul, it worked.