story feedback wanted!!

[Shadow12]

I am fairly new to literotica. I have only posted 3 stories and I will post the links to them here. Since I amnew here I was hoping to get some feedback to them. Good and bad, I am always open to construstive criticism.

I would appreciate any responses


thanks
Shadow12

 

[Shadow12]

oops.. apparently posting the links didnt work out..

these are the stories i have submitted. in the Lesbian Sex catergory there is Best Friends and Best Friends Chap2

and inBDSM there is Services Rendered.

let me knowwhat You think!!!

 

[damppanties]

My good deed for the day

Here are your links Shadow12:

Best Friends Ch 1: http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=51214

Best Friends Ch 2:
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=51215

Services Rendered:
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=48521

Right, so now you're in business!

-DP.

 

[damppanties]

Services Rendered

Nice story Shadow12. Taut, to the point.

The 6th paragraph is too large. I would have liked it to be distributed into smaller paras. Good for reading on the screen.

You're required to start a new para when a new character speaks. I noticed that you didn't in two places in your story.

Considering that your story was just a one episode thingie, it was done very well. I liked the concept too. Now where do I get in touch with the service?

-DP.

 

[NCmVoyeur]

Best Friends Ch. I

A few comments.

Kathy threw the minivan in park and came to a stop in Gina's driveway.

It would have been better to switch the phrases around. Normally, one stops the car, then puts it into park. To put it into park first will indeed stop the car, but may also strip one's transmission. It's interesting and amusing as you've written it, but I don't think that's what you intended.

Gina had asked her to visit many times in the last couple months since her and Dave had bought their new house

Should be 'since she and Dave.'

It was hard to get away, but with the office shut down for the week and both kids in school

Some who read stories with more than the sex parts in mind are here wondering 'what causes an office to shut down for a week?' Obviously, you need to create a pretext for two office mates both being home on a weekday, but this seems puzzlingly convenient.

'Heck yea' (Second paragraph)

The dialogue should be set off by beginning a new paragraph.

Inside was the most complete gym Kathy had ever seen, outside of a regular health club.

The comma is unneeded.

Gina just smiled. "Your welcome here anytime, but you already knew that. Wanna try some of this stuff out as long as you're here?" Kathy shuffled her feet a little. "I don't think your supposed to work out in jeans and a blouse, besides, I'm sure you have things to do, besides coach me on gym equipment all morning." Gina smiled again.

The prior poster noted that you need to start a separate paragraph with each change of speaker.

And 'your welcome' and 'your supposed' should be 'you're' in both instances.

There are a number of other missing possessives and grammatical errors and typos. Suffice it to say having someone do a good proof-read before submitting would be a good idea.

Kathy had fairly large breasts and the way the top was cut, her bra straps just plain looked stupid sticking out over her shoulders.

A comma is needed after 'breasts' (a comma is required when independent clauses are separated by a conjunction).

You perhaps should have added 'she thought' to 'just plain looked stupid.' As written, it makes it sound like the narrator is opining in a rather informal tone.

Once, while Gina was showing her the proper way to use the hand grips on the stretch machine, she brushed right across Kathy's left breasts with the side of her hand, and the way her nipples reacted caused her to turn red. Especially when she noticed Gina staring at them for more than a few moments.

Left breasts? (How many does she have?)

The pronouns get confusing. The last clause is a sentence fragment.

This could be rewritten: "While giving instruction in the stretch machine, Gina brushed her hand across Kathy's left breast. Kathy sensed her nipple grow taut, and she flushed red with embarrassment when Gina stared at her chest for a moment.

Gina's breasts were much smaller than hers, but they felt good in her hands.

I think this was about the third or fourth time I was told Gina's breasts were smaller. OK, I get it.

Kathy crawled up her friend and pressed her open mouth to Gina's, feeding her tongue and pressing the two pounding hearts together while catching her breath.

I realize this is designed as a multi-part story, but this last sentence seemed an awkward spot to end part 1. The action is still continuing, and I don't see how she catches her breath while french-kissing.


The dialogue struck me at times as unnatural and the characters inconsistent. E.g., in the opening, we see Kathy walking up with a gift in hand, but she never offers to Gina nor is there any mention of it. And their talk doesn't seem quite right for two supposedly close friends.

Also, Kathy can hardly utter a sentence without 'shit' or 'hell' in it; but then seems so self-conscious about undressing near a friend. That's not to say such a person doesn't or can't exist, but it didn't seem to fit well.

I wouldn't have minded a bit more character description. All I know about Kathy is that she has relatively large breasts and doesn't shave her pussy.

I thought the story flowed better when you got into the massage and sex. I started to feel the energy and the connection between these women a little better.

Thanks for the submission. I hope these comments are constructive.

 

[Shadow12]

damppanties.. thanks for posting the links and for your feedback.. Services Rendered was written for one person to read and wasnt ever intended for here. When I submitted it I should have gone back over more carefully and broken up the paragraphs more. as for the service?? I'm not sure.. but if I find it.. I'll let you know.. *L*


NCmVoyeur.. Wow.. all I can say is thanks.. I reread that a few times and will take all that into consideration. I appreciate you taking your time to help me out.

 

[NCmVoyeur]

P.S.

No problem. I enjoy the process of giving feedback.

One thing I forgot to mention: where's Dave in all this? I mean less the obvious (he's at work), but more why doesn't he enter into Kathy's thoughts at all? Here she is, in her married friend's house naked around lunchtime--does she not wonder or worry that Dave might stop home? Does Dave know about this side of Gina? Either way one might answer that, there's erotic possibility: if he doesn't, the women (and the reader) enjoy the mischievous and secret fun; if he does, then Kathy gets to ponder whether Dave later will hear the intimate details about her first bi experience. Such thoughts might add another dimension to the story and give it a more realistic feel.

 

[Shadow12]

actually I thought so too.. if You click on one of the other links you can read Best Friends Chap 2.. then Dave will be included a bit more..

check it out.. let me know if you like it anymore than the others or if it has alot of the same issues as you found in chap 1