Story feedback for BDSM con/non-con series

[SinfuIDreams]

Hi everyone,

So this is a feedback thread for my series To be loved.
The first chapter
https://www.literotica.com/s/to-be-loved-ch-01
And the second
https://www.literotica.com/s/to-be-loved-ch-02

I'd like some opinions on if I should continue on the series with even darker tones or move it on to a happier place and end it on the next chapter.

So far I've had mixed feedback via pms and email, some positive and loving the flow others commenting on how fast I delved into sex.


As the title of the thread states it's submitted under BDSM. The story is based around a stalker out for revenge on a woman he believes has wronged him.

It is written in first person with the majority of the view during sex scenes being from the leading ladies perspective. I have had help from one of male friends in real life on the leading males perspective. So hopefully between the two of us it's realistic enough.

I have two other series up at the moment that interlink with this one but it can be read as a standalone.

 

[yukonnights]

I read both stories. To be honest, at first I didn't like it...assumed I'd back out actually. But I kept reading and finally I saw the beauty in what you have to say. This is the thing I want to emphasize; you have a lovely way of sharing the emotions of your character — in other words; You open yourself up and share what you feel. This is more important than technical skill, which can be learned.

But, the reason I didn't like it at first is because you have not taken the time to gain the skills to put your feelings and thoughts onto "paper". There are numerous typos, improper punctuation, missing words, etc.

The overall effect might have been better had you entered into it a bit slower. Introduce your characters and let the reader get "friendly" with them. Then throw them into the tension of the gym, etc. (For example; You could have started at home with the ill mother. While there, you could have laced in some of the backstory about the father — helping mom cope with all her losses, etc. — Then head off to the gym. As a reader, I would have by then become acquainted with her.) One last thought; To me it's off putting when an author uses a character's inner voice to describe the details what they look like...a little goes a long way in this. Who does that in real life?

But, I loved your story. All that is missing is polish IMO. Definitely keep writing. But you would be doing yourself a favor if you pulled up some "How To Write Fiction" guides. If you do this and have more stories like this to tell, I see a bright future.

 

[SinfuIDreams]

I read both stories. To be honest, at first I didn't like it...assumed I'd back out actually. But I kept reading and finally I saw the beauty in what you have to say. This is the thing I want to emphasize; you have a lovely way of sharing the emotions of your character — in other words; You open yourself up and share what you feel. This is more important than technical skill, which can be learned.

But, the reason I didn't like it at first is because you have not taken the time to gain the skills to put your feelings and thoughts onto "paper". There are numerous typos, improper punctuation, missing words, etc.

The overall effect might have been better had you entered into it a bit slower. Introduce your characters and let the reader get "friendly" with them. Then throw them into the tension of the gym, etc. (For example; You could have started at home with the ill mother. While there, you could have laced in some of the backstory about the father — helping mom cope with all her losses, etc. — Then head off to the gym. As a reader, I would have by then become acquainted with her.) One last thought; To me it's off putting when an author uses a character's inner voice to describe the details what they look like...a little goes a long way in this. Who does that in real life?

But, I loved your story. All that is missing is polish IMO. Definitely keep writing. But you would be doing yourself a favor if you pulled up some "How To Write Fiction" guides. If you do this and have more stories like this to tell, I see a bright future.

Thank you for taking the time to read both of them.

I did have a lot of background and build up for the couple in one of the other series but at the last minute I chopped it out, it just didn't seem to fit and I wanted to make it more of a stand alone piece.
I may go back and edit the first chapter and add it in.

Grammar and punctuation will always be the biggest burden, I have some learning difficulties to deal with and to put it politely and shitty education. Which I'm currently trying to fix. I've signed up with a online education place. (Unfortunately none are local enough for me to attend physical classes.)

Thank you again for the positivity and encouragement it makes me want to just work harder to write a better story.

 

[Tabithablack]

I like to ghost this forum, but not post much. Mostly because although the OP's themselves seem receptive, many threads devolve into arguments among those giving feedback so I either hold back my opinion or occasionally PM the person a thought or two.

But being this topic is something I have experience in lifestyle wise, and am passionate, and admittedly defensive about, I figured I'd weigh in, especially seeing the OP is calling out they are getting mixed results.

My suggestion after giving this a skim is it belongs in Non con. BDSM and Non con are not the same thing....even dub com is not the same thing.

I know that people like to call non con BDSM either to shake the stigma of 'rape' or because they're clueless as to what it is, but reality is they are nowhere near the same thing.

There has been a movement of late among the uninformed, or outright sadistic, to say you don't need consent in BDSM even in real life.

To them I say use that as a defense when you're brought up on rape charges. All your doing is advocating, supporting and promoting sexual assault.

The darker overtones as you call them in your stories are far more fitting in NC.reluctance, and I would think would be better received there which is what I imagine an author wants, to get the right target crowd.

Of course BDSM on this site has been filled with pretty much flat out rape stories for so long there maybe no one left to complain about inaccuracy and pretending abuse is BDSM, so in the end maybe my point isn't even valid, but this is for feedback and that's my feedback, that its not BDSM

 

[yukonnights]

I like to ghost this forum, but not post much. Mostly because although the OP's themselves seem receptive, many threads devolve into arguments among those giving feedback so I either hold back my opinion or occasionally PM the person a thought or two.

But being this topic is something I have experience in lifestyle wise, and am passionate, and admittedly defensive about, I figured I'd weigh in, especially seeing the OP is calling out they are getting mixed results.

My suggestion after giving this a skim is it belongs in Non con. BDSM and Non con are not the same thing....even dub com is not the same thing.

I know that people like to call non con BDSM either to shake the stigma of 'rape' or because they're clueless as to what it is, but reality is they are nowhere near the same thing.

There has been a movement of late among the uninformed, or outright sadistic, to say you don't need consent in BDSM even in real life.

To them I say use that as a defense when you're brought up on rape charges. All your doing is advocating, supporting and promoting sexual assault.

The darker overtones as you call them in your stories are far more fitting in NC.reluctance, and I would think would be better received there which is what I imagine an author wants, to get the right target crowd.

Of course BDSM on this site has been filled with pretty much flat out rape stories for so long there maybe no one left to complain about inaccuracy and pretending abuse is BDSM, so in the end maybe my point isn't even valid, but this is for feedback and that's my feedback, that its not BDSM

I can't say I disagree with this Tabithablack. I didn't pay attention to the category. But this story seems it could get tricky to categorize as it moves forward. The arc could go in at least a couple of directions in the next chapters. At this point, I'm not sure either BDSM or Non-Con is the best home for it. I know from experience that BDSM readers expect certain things, one of them being what you mention. If the story moves toward a reconciliation then it will be even more important to consider both the content and the category. I've never hopped categories on a series, but have read other opinions that it causes a loss of readers.

 

[SinfuIDreams]

I like to ghost this forum, but not post much. Mostly because although the OP's themselves seem receptive, many threads devolve into arguments among those giving feedback so I either hold back my opinion or occasionally PM the person a thought or two.

But being this topic is something I have experience in lifestyle wise, and am passionate, and admittedly defensive about, I figured I'd weigh in, especially seeing the OP is calling out they are getting mixed results.

My suggestion after giving this a skim is it belongs in Non con. BDSM and Non con are not the same thing....even dub com is not the same thing.

I know that people like to call non con BDSM either to shake the stigma of 'rape' or because they're clueless as to what it is, but reality is they are nowhere near the same thing.

There has been a movement of late among the uninformed, or outright sadistic, to say you don't need consent in BDSM even in real life.

To them I say use that as a defense when you're brought up on rape charges. All your doing is advocating, supporting and promoting sexual assault.

The darker overtones as you call them in your stories are far more fitting in NC.reluctance, and I would think would be better received there which is what I imagine an author wants, to get the right target crowd.

Of course BDSM on this site has been filled with pretty much flat out rape stories for so long there maybe no one left to complain about inaccuracy and pretending abuse is BDSM, so in the end maybe my point isn't even valid, but this is for feedback and that's my feedback, that its not BDSM

Thank you for posting a reply, no need to worry about arguments arising because of it. Everyone is welcome to post whatever criticism and pointers they like here.


I do agree with you that at the moment it doesn't seem like it's in the right category.
I am planning on taking it into BDSM in chapter 3 which im currently writing. Without giving away to much of the plot I'm going to put Monica into the role of Domme for a section and then flip it so Luke ends up with control again.
Eventually it will work out to be a M/s relationship that is if I stick with it and don't end it after the next chapter.

I can't say I disagree with this Tabithablack. I didn't pay attention to the category. But this story seems it could get tricky to categorize as it moves forward. The arc could go in at least a couple of directions in the next chapters. At this point, I'm not sure either BDSM or Non-Con is the best home for it. I know from experience that BDSM readers expect certain things, one of them being what you mention. If the story moves toward a reconciliation then it will be even more important to consider both the content and the category. I've never hopped categories on a series, but have read other opinions that it causes a loss of readers.

I thought the same thing about the category and had a semi-set plan on where I eventually wanted to take it. It just seemed smarter in keeping it all under the one category instead of changing it after the first or second chapter.

 

[yukonnights]

Thank you for posting a reply, no need to worry about arguments arising because of it. Everyone is welcome to post whatever criticism and pointers they like here.


I do agree with you that at the moment it doesn't seem like it's in the right category.
I am planning on taking it into BDSM in chapter 3 which im currently writing. Without giving away to much of the plot I'm going to put Monica into the role of Domme for a section and then flip it so Luke ends up with control again.
Eventually it will work out to be a M/s relationship that is if I stick with it and don't end it after the next chapter.



I thought the same thing about the category and had a semi-set plan on where I eventually wanted to take it. It just seemed smarter in keeping it all under the one category instead of changing it after the first or second chapter.

Based on what you've said above, staying in BDSM sounds like a good choice. They do tend to be picky about the content and details in BDSM, but now you know — best wishes as you continue the story.

 

[bunnieee99]

I gave the first chapter a read and skimmed the second one a bit.

I think the beginning is more like a mix between BDSM and noncon. Most BDSM stories have explicit consent. While your story wasn't extremely dubious, the first chapter had very minor elements of that in it.

My advice wouldn't necessarily be to prolong when they have sex. What would be better is to really work on showing, rather than telling. I know everyone says that, but the first chapter was just so point blank, in the readers face, narrator-telling-us-everything rather than showing us about her life. I think this greatly contributes to the effect some people have commented on that you rushed the sex without the "showing" build up. It almost read as if Monica was explaining things to an interrogator rather than an internal monologue.

It doesn't even have to be extensive background either. It's more like the little things. For example, an easy one is:

"I'm a 32-year-old woman who just can't get her shit together, no matter how much I try. I've worked my ass off for years as a cleaner, manager, assistant and just about everything else I can think of to pay the bills but I only ever just managed to scrape my way through. I do have a reason for it though."

Is she thinking this to herself? Who is she explaining her reason to?

This could flow a lot better to the sex if you focused on fixing this.

Also, I think darker themes mixed with "happier" times (hehe) is great! When a relationship/story is dynamic like that, it makes everything much more believable and enjoyable to read. Good luck!