Seeking constructive criticism

[inka]

Yes, I'm throwing myself to the wolves here.

Looking for additional feedback and constructive criticism that I can apply to my writing in the future: general story progression, flow, arc, dialog, foreshadowing, etc...

The story I would like the feedback on is an erotic horror/non human, vampire tale that follows the journey of a broken blood slave. In total it's 68k words long. It hits a lot of other genres including BDSM, Gay Male, Lesbian Sex, and Reluctance/NonCon.

I know that the sex to story ratio is unbalanced across the story as a whole, and currently there is a technical issue in the second chapter.

If you are interested, we can deconstruct the story here, or in PMs. I don't have a preference.

Thank you in advance.

 

[joy_of_cooking]

Well A+ for imagery, based on the first chapter. You have a solid grasp of the technical details of spelling, punctuation, and grammar. The contrast between the narrator's and her neighbor's experiences was clever. Unfortunately I'm not particularly into graphically brutal maledom/femsub so I'll call it quits here. Hope you find your fans.

 

[inka]

Well A+ for imagery, based on the first chapter. You have a solid grasp of the technical details of spelling, punctuation, and grammar. The contrast between the narrator's and her neighbor's experiences was clever. Unfortunately I'm not particularly into graphically brutal maledom/femsub so I'll call it quits here. Hope you find your fans.

Thank you for the bite! And I appreciate the compliments on the technical aspects of writing!

For any other possible readers, I should add that the first chapter is the hook, but not the haul. There are other chapters that revisit the graphically brutal maledom/femsub vibe, but it is not the bulk of the tale.

 

[MythicMind]

I agree that your first chapter is strong. Imagery, setting, exposition, conflict, stakes, backstory, state of mind...all flow together very smoothly. Good sentence and paragraph structure.

If there is a specific chapter or area you would like feedback on, please let us know.

 

[inka]

If there is a specific chapter or area you would like feedback on, please let us know.

Thank you as well! <3

A chapters that avoid the brutality or excess vampireness of the story overall that showcase areas I would like feedback on (dialog, character development, overall flow, sex scene progression and timing) would be the following:

Chapter 7: - no sex, no vampires (mentioned in conversation only). There are psychological aspects in this chapter.
Or Chapter 8: Kinky scene, M/F, Male dom, BDSM aspects (primarily safe words) with aftercare, there is a little blood from biting, vampires are present in the chapter but not active in the scene, and some additional psychological aspects.