Story Discussion: 24 March 2010. "Angel of Ice and Song" by Amontillado

[Amontillado]

I'm a total newbie to this--thanks for giving me the chance to submit my story for critique here

The story is Angel of Ice and Song, it's 17k words long, and it's in the incest/taboo category. The intent behind it is to see the changing relationship between the protagonist and her sister drive the protagonist to move past some personal issues she has.

I've looked over some of the other discussions, and I saw Suzanne Hartmann's Top Ten Mistakes New Fiction Writers Make mentioned; I'm sure I'm breaking a good number of her rules (backstory dump, weak verbs, etc.). I'll definitely be studying that closely when I write my next story.

For this one, I'm of course interested in anything I'm doing wrong not covered by the aforementioned list, and any references to good writer's resources like hers are greatly appreciated.

 

[Amontillado]

Here's the story:
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=469281

 

[Amontillado]

My main concerns with the story are:

1. Was it too dark? How did the AIS element work?

2. Did the narrator's voice fit the protagonist?

3. Did the younger sister's stories contribute or detract from the narrative?

4. How mature did the characters seem? I wanted them to come off as playful, eccentric and, in the case of the protagonist, somewhat fragile, but not too immature.

5. Did the protagonist grow and change by the end of the story?

And of course anything else I could focus on to improve.

Thank you!

-Amontillado

 

[Dual_Triode]

Hi Amontillado,

I'm also new to the SDC, so I'll let the veterans comment on the structural details.

I enjoyed reading your story and found it engaging. I was suffering through a 2 hour conference call last night, so this was a welcome diversion. The closeness between Kristen and Hailey, aside from the sexual attraction, was apparent and well captured. I actually found Hailey to be the more interesting character and wondered how and why she hid in her fantasy land. Was she also damaged by their father's abandonment?

A couple of things caught my attention while I read through the story.

The bathroom mirror reflected the fairy girl from Hailey's story. Wide-set blue-green eyes looked back at me, and long, thick locks of blond hair fell loosely past my shoulders and framed my face, in tones of corn-silk-light and flaxen-dark. I studied myself for a few moments before raising my toothbrush to my mouth, thinking that Hailey was probably right; if there was one word that my lips spoke, even in stillness, it was "please."

Please what, I wondered? Please love me? Please leave me alone?

I found this mirror scene engaging. I've tried to write about observed images of characters this way, but in the first person, it is more immediate and vital. It also advanced the story rather than just describing her physical appearance. Good job.

At first I thought AIS might refer to Angel of Ice and Song. Later on I discovered it stands for Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome. I love the duality, intentional or not.

A least one time you mixed up Kristen and Hailey:

"I think Mom is tired of having me here. If I had a car I could get a job and an apartment."

Kristen placed a hand on my stomach, lazily rubbing circles on me. Then she pulled up my sweater, exposing my belly button, and began to trace hearts around it with her fingers. "She's mad cause she knows there's nothing she can say to make you get that operation. And she thinks the reason I won't is because of you."

After reading this twice, I realized it was Hailey's hand on her stomach.

Of course, there is the obligatory humorous homophone: "She was naked from the waste down."

I thought maybe your watch was stuck at 10:27. It was correct twice each day.
The stating of the exact time made me look for some reason for the precision when none was provided. This was only a slight distraction.

The story was not too dark. But then again, I like the darkness. Given the internal life vs. death conflict that tormented Kristen, I think even a little more darkness would have been okay.

I expected a little more turmoil when they went to see their father after so long. It was apparent that she had finally shed her anger and forgave him. I would have enjoyed being led through that catharsis, however.


Cheers!

 

[Amontillado]

Hi Amontillado,

I'm also new to the SDC, so I'll let the veterans comment on the structural details.

I enjoyed reading your story and found it engaging.

Thank you!

I actually found Hailey to be the more interesting character and wondered how and why she hid in her fantasy land. Was she also damaged by their father's abandonment?

There was a passage I cut out, which I probably should have found a way to leave in, which explained that. After the father left, the mother fell apart, and the two girls were basically on their own. When Kristen didn't have the energy to play with her younger sister, she'd ask Hailey to tell her stories.

In the first draft they both had AIS (and in the current draft there's still a place where it's implied that Hailey has AIS), but the feedback I got was that the story was way too dark, and it certainly was, so I changed it to just Kristen having AIS. Then I started working on a draft where neither did, and I got tired of proofing all the drafts, and the thing ended up a little mangled, for which I apologize...thanks for pointing that out, I'll probably submit an edit to fix stuff like that.

A couple of things caught my attention while I read through the story.

I found this mirror scene engaging. I've tried to write about observed images of characters this way, but in the first person, it is more immediate and vital. It also advanced the story rather than just describing her physical appearance. Good job.

Thanks

At first I thought AIS might refer to Angel of Ice and Song. Later on I discovered it stands for Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome. I love the duality, intentional or not.

It was intentional, and you're the first person to point that out

A least one time you mixed up Kristen and Hailey:

Yes I did...drat.

Of course, there is the obligatory humorous homophone: "She was naked from the waste down."

Another drat!

I thought maybe your watch was stuck at 10:27. It was correct twice each day.
The stating of the exact time made me look for some reason for the precision when none was provided. This was only a slight distraction.

I meant for Hailey's last story to explain what was going on there, but in retrospect it probably wasn't very clear. Like the angel in her younger sister's story, Kristen has essentially been stuck in a moment where she hasn't matured or accepted how her life has changed. It's kind of a psychological thing having to do with the grieving process. The clock reflects that by always displaying the same time, until the point in the story when she finally moves forward.

The story was not too dark. But then again, I like the darkness. Given the internal life vs. death conflict that tormented Kristen, I think even a little more darkness would have been okay.

I expected a little more turmoil when they went to see their father after so long. It was apparent that she had finally shed her anger and forgave him. I would have enjoyed being led through that catharsis, however.

Cheers!

What to show in a story and what not to is something I'm uncertain about, so that helps. Thanks for the reading and feedback!

 

[JohnZ30]

story

i like it

 

[Penelope Street]

Hi Amontillado,

I only made time to read the first page. So far, the writing is fine and the characters both believable and likable, but I didn't feel much tension or suspense.

What's the purpose of the opening scene at the party? Is there any reason the story couldn't have started later, about the time when the sisters return home? Don't answer any my questions if you can't without spoiling the story!

I think Hailey's fantasy tale a clever plot device, though I have a hard time imagining this little snippet is really one of her best, lol!

Kristen's repeated focus at the end of her mother's words felt odd. All things considered, "I worry about you two," is a relatively innocuous comment, so I couldn't quite understand why Kristen fretted about it so, which meant I couldn't identify with her or share her concern. So will this all be explained and could it be explained sooner without dragging the plot or lessening the suspense?

Snogbad is a treasure of a name! Worthy a coffee spew for sure.

I won't likely get back to your story until next week. Hope you have a great weekend!

Take Care,
Penny

 

[Amontillado]

Hi Amontillado,

I only made time to read the first page. So far, the writing is fine and the characters both believable and likable, but I didn't feel much tension or suspense.

What's the purpose of the opening scene at the party? Is there any reason the story couldn't have started later, about the time when the sisters return home? Don't answer any my questions if you can't without spoiling the story!

The first draft did start with the girls at home, but the feedback I got was that they seemed too immature, so I wrote that intro to try to establish them as late teens/early twenties before they started telling fairy tales. I probably overreacted, there.

I think Hailey's fantasy tale a clever plot device, though I have a hard time imagining this little snippet is really one of her best, lol!

PacoFear did a little work on the prose in that scene and tossed that line in there for me; I think the implication is that Kristen likes the story because she likes the flattering description of her I should probably either make that more clear or take it out, though.

Kristen's repeated focus at the end of her mother's words felt odd. All things considered, "I worry about you two," is a relatively innocuous comment, so I couldn't quite understand why Kristen fretted about it so, which meant I couldn't identify with her or share her concern. So will this all be explained and could it be explained sooner without dragging the plot or lessening the suspense?

I honestly didn't realize how innocuous that was when I wrote it. I need to give the mother a more ominous line right there.

Snogbad is a treasure of a name! Worthy a coffee spew for sure.

Thank you

I won't likely get back to your story until next week. Hope you have a great weekend!

Take Care,
Penny

Thanks for taking a look at it

-Monty

 

[ethan1066]

reply

your story was quite interesting....looking more from you...

 

[Amontillado]

your story was quite interesting....looking more from you...

Thanks for reading!

 

[PacoFear]

PacoFear did a little work on the prose in that scene and tossed that line in there for me; I think the implication is that Kristen likes the story because she likes the flattering description of her I should probably either make that more clear or take it out, though.
-Monty

Yep, that was the attempted implication.

The general idea was to describe a reaction from Kristen to what Hailey was doing that carries the sort of subliminal cues that help readers understand an otherwise odd situation. The cues would include: Hailey tells stories frequently, some stories are better than others, Kristen enjoys them, and Kristen doesn't mine indulging her sister's outrageous imagination.

If it ain't working, feel free to cut it out, Monty. You won't hurt my feelings. I re-write the crap out of my own stuff all the time.

Most importantly, I'm glad to see you're getting some good feedback here. I like what you've done with this since I saw it last.

-PF

P.S. There's a little dent in my forehead where I smacked myself a few times for missing the significance of your title. Good one Dual_Triode!

 

[Amontillado]

The general idea was to describe a reaction from Kristen to what Hailey was doing that carries the sort of subliminal cues that help readers understand an otherwise odd situation.

Ah, okay. I can definitely see how the first draft needed that.

Most importantly, I'm glad to see you're getting some good feedback here. I like what you've done with this since I saw it last.

Thanks, and thanks for sending me over here, I've found tons of helpful info in these threads, in addition to Dual_Triode and Penny's critiques. I've probably learned more about writing over the past two weeks than I have in the past two years!

 

[Penelope Street]

Hi Amon,

Is it next week already? Ok, so it's already next next next week, but I finally made time to finish Kristen and Hailey's story. Or is it Hailey and Kristen?

Overall, you have a fine concept for a story, but I think there's a little too much focus on the sisters compared to their relationship with other family members. I felt like substantial conflicts were ignored rather than resolved- which happens enough in real life but that doesn't mean it makes for the best story.

1. Was it too dark? How did the AIS element work?
I didn't notice it being dark and the AIS issue, while promising early, didn't have the impact I anticipated later in the story.

2. Did the narrator's voice fit the protagonist?
I like her voice.

3. Did the younger sister's stories contribute or detract from the narrative?
Yes, they are a clever plot element.

4. How mature did the characters seem? I wanted them to come off as playful, eccentric and, in the case of the protagonist, somewhat fragile, but not too immature.
I found your characters believable for their age and likable too.

5. Did the protagonist grow and change by the end of the story?
Sure, she eventually decides it's ok to snog her sister, but since I missed how the protagonist resolves her issues with her parents, I can't say I saw her grow or mature much.

To what extent this is an issue depends on what kind of story you wanted to write. If it's meant to be a simmering saga featuring two sisters who come to terms with their lust for one another, you did that just fine, but you could have skipped all the other drama. On the other hand, if you want the other drama, then I believe you needed to give that drama it's time in the sun too. In the end, I think the story has ambitious potential that went unfulfilled- but it probably still works for readers seeking a feel-good, incestuous romp.

Take Care,
Penny

 

[D_K_Moon]

Hi,

I must admit when I saw the storie was five pages I let out a little groan. I was quickly swept up into the story and the words flew by.

Now, to your questions.

1. I had never heard of AIS before, I had to look it up and I thought it was a good hook for the story.

2. I thought the narrator's voice was excellent. I could feel her through your words.

3. Hailey's stories definitely added to the charm of the story.

4. Yes, the characters seemed very mature. I think Hailey was the eccentric one of the two and Kristen carried a lot of baggage on her shoulders despite only being twenty-one.

5. Did she grow? I don't think so, but I think she began to accept herself a little better.

Overall, I thought it was good story, and one that I enjoyed reading. Well done, and I hope to see more from you.

 

[Amontillado]

Is it next week already? Ok, so it's already next next next week, but I finally made time to finish Kristen and Hailey's story. Or is it Hailey and Kristen?

Thanks for swinging back to Hailey--er, Kristen's story

If it's meant to be a simmering saga featuring two sisters who come to terms with their lust for one another, you did that just fine, but you could have skipped all the other drama. On the other hand, if you want the other drama, then I believe you needed to give that drama it's time in the sun too. In the end, I think the story has ambitious potential that went unfulfilled- but it probably still works for readers seeking a feel-good, incestuous romp.

Well I definitely wanted the drama, but I kept worrying about whether anyone else would go for it, and whether the story was going on too long. The feedback has been pretty encouraging; next time I'll feel free to spend more time on it.

 

[Amontillado]

5. Did she grow? I don't think so, but I think she began to accept herself a little better.

I really should have gone into more detail about that. Being able to accept herself and the circumstances of her life is the problem that Kristen confronts in the story, and the idea was to have Hailey's acceptance of her help Kristen accept herself.

Overall, I thought it was good story, and one that I enjoyed reading. Well done, and I hope to see more from you.

Thank you, and thanks to everyone for taking the time to critique the story