Story Challenge - Hayleys Discovery

[jonyoungau]

I wrote this for the story challenge on the ASN Story Board and was wondering what people thought of it from Literotica. if it was good or not and what changes would make it better from what I have here.


"Story Challenge - Hayleys Discovery

[Please do not post snippets that exceed the prescribed word count.]

 

[Iceprincess12]

Was this a "write run on sentences" challenge? Your first PARAGRAPH is one sentence. Please edit a bit, some of the grammar experts I am sure will come by and help. When issues are this out of hand, I can't read it. Hope to see some changes and I'll come back to take a look.

 

[Combat323]

Took a look on ASN Storyboard

The two major problems with the story are lack of punctuation and switches in verb tense.

The story starts out in present tense, then goes to past perfect: She had stopped off.... That's fine, and it is the right way to get back to past events, but the story then switches back to present tense to describe events that are clearly in the past.

So, flash to the past with one or two instances of past perfect (had verb...) then stick to past tense.

There is also tense confusion within many of the sentences:
Getting up she looked around to find where her clothes are laying .... She walked into the kitchen to find Gloria sitting up at the counter on a bar stool but now she is dressed
In the above excerpt, "looked" is past tense, while "are" is present tense and needs to be changed to "were." Then, there's "walked" (past) matched with "is" (present).
Also from the excerpt, "laying" should be "lying." Laying basically means putting something down. Once you lay something down, it will lie there until moved in some way.

Haley asks alot of questions, but I think fewer than half are punctuated with question marks.

 

[jonyoungau]

The two major problems with the story are lack of punctuation and switches in verb tense.

The story starts out in present tense, then goes to past perfect: She had stopped off.... That's fine, and it is the right way to get back to past events, but the story then switches back to present tense to describe events that are clearly in the past.

So, flash to the past with one or two instances of past perfect (had verb...) then stick to past tense.

There is also tense confusion within many of the sentences:
Getting up she looked around to find where her clothes are laying .... She walked into the kitchen to find Gloria sitting up at the counter on a bar stool but now she is dressed
In the above excerpt, "looked" is past tense, while "are" is present tense and needs to be changed to "were." Then, there's "walked" (past) matched with "is" (present).
Also from the excerpt, "laying" should be "lying." Laying basically means putting something down. Once you lay something down, it will lie there until moved in some way.

Haley asks alot of questions, but I think fewer than half are punctuated with question marks.

Cool thanks for the help its probably where im struggling the most with stories

 

[jonyoungau]

The two major problems with the story are lack of punctuation and switches in verb tense.

The story starts out in present tense, then goes to past perfect: She had stopped off.... That's fine, and it is the right way to get back to past events, but the story then switches back to present tense to describe events that are clearly in the past.

So, flash to the past with one or two instances of past perfect (had verb...) then stick to past tense.

There is also tense confusion within many of the sentences:
Getting up she looked around to find where her clothes are laying .... She walked into the kitchen to find Gloria sitting up at the counter on a bar stool but now she is dressed
In the above excerpt, "looked" is past tense, while "are" is present tense and needs to be changed to "were." Then, there's "walked" (past) matched with "is" (present).
Also from the excerpt, "laying" should be "lying." Laying basically means putting something down. Once you lay something down, it will lie there until moved in some way.

Haley asks alot of questions, but I think fewer than half are punctuated with question marks.

You dont edit peoples stories do you?

 

[Combat323]

Yes, I do. Schedule's a bit tight right now, but I'll pm you.

 

[MyRubiLips]

You dont edit peoples stories do you?

Are you seeking a Lit editor to edit your work FOR LIT or that other site?

 

[jonyoungau]

Yes, I do. Schedule's a bit tight right now, but I'll pm you.

Okey thanks

 

[jonyoungau]

Are you seeking a Lit editor to edit your work FOR LIT or that other site?

For Lit if i post it but will have to have alot done to it to be accepted. But not that skilled in editing so looking for someone who can that that and give feedback like popast posts on this thread.

 

[MyRubiLips]

For Lit if i post it but will have to have alot done to it to be accepted. But not that skilled in editing so looking for someone who can that that and give feedback like popast posts on this thread.

After you've written it, you may be interested in the Editor's Forum for help!