Stories Submitted - Your Opinions Wanted Please

[flutterbyspirit]

Hi,

I'm a new writer in that I started about 12 months ago but these are the first of my stories that I've put out there for others to read. I've submitted 4 stories so far and would like your opinions please.

Don't be worried about offending me. I'm here to learn and if criticism is the way to help me then that's what I'll accept. All I ask is that you be honest and not nasty.

Thanx
Flutter

Here are the links -

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=241387
http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=241469
http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=241567
http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=241735

 

[kbate]

Have a Nice Day

Good story idea, the writing is a little rough and wordy in places. (although, if I were to edit this, you would require perhaps another 200 words to meet the 750 required for Lit.)


"A small smile of recognition covers your face along with confusion. I can read with that look you have no idea what I have in mind."

why not?

"A smile of recognition appeared on your face, but your confusion was evident."

the second line in your original, essentially adds nothing to the word confusion.

 

[kbate]

Again

Same basic comment as previous story, wordiness. Again, a nice story, good ending, although a lead up in the story for such would be nice. (you keyed in on my pussy" or some such thing for the clever readers.)

"You stop caressing my breast and move your hand down my body leaving a tingling trail to my mound already hot and throbbing from desire."

Nice visual, but the subject as written becomes the word "trail" which I doubt is already hot and throbbing.

"My desire increases when your hand moves from my breast, downward to my already hot and throbbing mound."


Overall a nice little stroke story.

 

[flutterbyspirit]

Thank You Kbate

You sent me back to my word counter to check for Have a Nice Day and yes I only just made the 750 min words with 786. This was the first story I had ever written so I hope I can improve from there.

I've never had any sort of written training and a lot of the technicalities elude me but again I'm hoping that comes from more experience and people letting me know, like you have.

Again thank you I appreciate your comments and your honesty.

Flutter