Stories about recovering from sexual abuse

[LargoKitt]

I just read a good romantic story about a man who meets an 'ugly duckling' woman who hides behind baggy clothes and a 'tough as nails' demeanor to keep guys at bay and help herself feel safe. I don't want to target the author because it was a fine, romantic, loving tale. However, knowing that territory, it made me want to offer some tips to those exploring this as a story theme. A tip those writing stories about people recovering from sexual abuse: While the reaction of the abused may be to 'bundle up' and 'uglify' that doesn't mean they are 'shut down and waiting for the right caring person to open them up to good sex'. Lots of abused people have had ˆ*too much sex* but it was uncaring. Lot's of prostitutes, bar girls, bar boys, loose cougars and 'playahs' are abused people who think they are now 'too spoiled to live clean.' There's a mindset of being 'spoiled goods'. The story I read or the 'Pretty Woman' trope usually explores the abused person who is a wondersul sould but who needs that accepting hand to flower. Okay. The abused person (and a good number of the abused are men, though a man must *really* keep that experience under his hat) can be triggered by almost anything sexual that reminds them of an a abuser. A touch on the shoulder, a certain kind of whisper, being called 'honey', Bjs can be triggering and anything around the hindquarters. Some women have trouble with kissing or any kind of rough touch. The reverse can be true. Some people can't get aroused unless it resembles their abuse. Some might want to 'turn the tables." So a true story about someone recovering from sexual abuse needs to reveal what may be a literally bi-polar switching from "I'm a total slut" to "I'm as cold as ice." I haven't explored Lit to see who treats this theme well. maybe I also need to do a How To, though I haven't penned an example myself. Thoughts?

 

[ElectricBlue]

I haven't explored Lit to see who treats this theme well. maybe I also need to do a How To, though I haven't penned an example myself. Thoughts?

I reckon this is an area that a writer should treat with caution, unless they've got first-hand experience, either as a victim themselves, or knowing a victim of abuse. I'm not sure it's an area where someone should say, "Oh, let me have a go at that, I've got a good imagination." Probably not good enough to understand the trauma and deal with it sensitively, unless you actually know (one way or another).

 

[Cagivagurl]

It is an impossible to write scenario, because no two people respond the same way...
Victims of abuse, sometimes cannot shake off the victim tag.
They live their lives under that awful dark persona. Scared, and alone. Their world destroyed.
Some are able to move on, some live apparently normal lives. Right up until somwething triggers a memory, and again their lives are plunged into that awful darkness.

Recovering from sexual abuse, is like being an alcoholic, or drug addict. It's with you for life, and yes. You may be living a reasonably happy life. In the back ground, how you deal with people can be affected. You can pass your fears on to your children, the people you work with.

Your vision of the world forever coloured.

That is my experience working with rape victims... It is my opinion only...

Cagivagurl

 

[Erozetta]

It is an impossible to write scenario, because no two people respond the same way...
Victims of abuse, sometimes cannot shake off the victim tag.
They live their lives under that awful dark persona. Scared, and alone. Their world destroyed.
Some are able to move on, some live apparently normal lives. Right up until somwething triggers a memory, and again their lives are plunged into that awful darkness.

Recovering from sexual abuse, is like being an alcoholic, or drug addict. It's with you for life, and yes. You may be living a reasonably happy life. In the back ground, how you deal with people can be affected. You can pass your fears on to your children, the people you work with.

Your vision of the world forever coloured.

That is my experience working with rape victims... It is my opinion only...

Cagivagurl

Often feeling like a burden as well for not "getting over it by now." It's not a thing you get over. You cope. You learn to work around it. But it's always there.

There are often people around you who know and can't handle knowing it's always there lingering under the surface. You become a glass figurine to them because it makes them upset to think about the various ways they could inadvertently bring it to the surface. Having to think about how what they're going to do/say could impact you, particularly if they care about you, in a negative way is difficult because it takes extra effort.

It's an experience that can affect every aspect of your life and can compound the issues of relationships, including friendships.

 

[nice90sguy]

One of the problems for me as a writer dealing with this, is that often the abused was underage at the time.

I'm sure many writers here have first or second-hand experience of someone who has been abused, either as an adult in an abusive relationship, or when younger. I strongly agree that this subject needs to be treated carefully,sympathetically and sensitively by writers.

 

[Erozetta]

One of the problems for me as a writer dealing with this, is that often the abused was underage at the time.

I'm sure many writers here have first or second-hand experience of someone who has been abused, either as an adult in an abusive relationship, or when younger. I strongly agree that this subject needs to be treated carefully,sympathetically and sensitively by writers.

One of my recent stories includes references to some of my experiences. (Actually, both of my essays talk about it somewhat.) I didn't spell out my ages for anyone involved. In the past, is in the past, the age an experience happens doesn't matter beyond whether the person remembers anything about themself from before or not.

Some people have no idea what their "normal" could've been, so have nothing to compare their current feelings/mindset with to see if that action/feeling is simply who they are, or a result of their experiences.

 

[Rob_Royale]

That is a very deep emotional well that I have lived through with my wife who was molested by uncles as a child.
As a writer it's something I've no interest in bringing to my work. I prefer pure escapism with happy people enjoying sex to the fullest.

 

[MrPixel]

That is a very deep emotional well that I have lived through with my wife who was molested by uncles as a child.
As a writer it's something I've no interest in bringing to my work. I prefer pure escapism with happy people enjoying sex to the fullest.

I find even the OP's posting of a proposed responsible approach to writing fiction about sexual abuse disturbing, almost at PTSD levels. I have guilt-ridden flashbacks of, "Why didn't I see that then and say something?" or, "Why wasn't I there to protect you?"

I have loved ones who have experienced incest and/or rape - my discovering or being told of well after the fact - and have seen firsthand the effects of the resulting inability to form healthy relationships. Only two of these several situations were partly mitigated, and that was only after extensive therapy.

As mentioned above, relative to LitE there is also the underage aspect. In many instances, the traumatic events occurred when the victim was a child. Any discussion, even merely referential, is more than likely going to trigger rejection on LitE because even the inference portrays the character as a minor in a sexual situation.

I personally think this is a topic left to learned, professional, and academic treatment, and otherwise left alone. But that's me, YMMV.

 

[Kumquatqueen]

Given how many people have been raped at some point, perhaps consider it the other way round and assume that maybe a quarter of the characters in any fiction you read were probably sexually assaulted in the past?

Sure, you can't go into detail about underage sexual assault on Lit, but if it's a story about someone's sexuality life or relationships afterwards, you just need to mention that an incident or ongoing abuse happened, and then back to the present.

Some people go seek out lots of sex, possibly partly to convince themselves they're desirable, or simply that it can feel good. Or may have little problem with sex itself but a lot of issues with trusting anyone in any ongoing way. Or may manage what looks like a normal relationship and sex life, until something triggers a panic attack. That last seems quite common, IME.

I did write a story exploring that, a few years ago: Third time getting lucky - one commenter said *I don't normally like rapey backstories but this one seemed to work".

 

[Lifestyle66]

I've written some characters who were abused, particularly in my "Aftermath ... " stories. The others were only partially mentioned in passing as having been abused.

In my real-life encounters with those have been abused, I seen various reactions in the effect it had in their later lives.

One in particular seemed to be brash and abusive in her own way, exploiting men and obliviously uncaring of her behavior toward her own kids. Another I knew couldn't orgasm, unless she was being choked! I know one man who goes to a BDSM club to be flogged at least once a month. As for my own personal experiences with abuse, well ... I need my pain, because it made me who I am.

I would think there's a wide range of reactions to abuse, and even a wide range of what some consider traumatizing. What one person sees as an assault, another might need to relax.

So, I try to not judge any particular story as "wrong," since the author might have come from different experiences.

 

[LargoKitt]

I appreciate that the posters here are encouraging great sensitivity to this topic. Now, perhaps they can reflect on the fact that incest is probably the hottest category on Literotica. (I think the 'riding Mommy's lap' story and its clones outstrip all others. Maybe people think this topic is a safe fantasy because it 'doesn't happen'. Mmm hmm. Tons of 'ooh daddy' stories. Tons of 'I caught my sister/brother...' Lots of 'he didn't ask but I loved it.' So readers who have abuse experience have plenty to avoid (or maybe some go to these as 'innoculations' against their bad dreams. Do we post 'trigger warnings' at the top? This thread was sparked by a good story about helping an abused person heal.

 

[Belegon]

It is an impossible to write scenario, because no two people respond the same way...

Some are able to move on, some live apparently normal lives. Right up until somwething triggers a memory, and again their lives are plunged into that awful darkness.

Recovering from sexual abuse, is like being an alcoholic, or drug addict. It's with you for life, and yes. You may be living a reasonably happy life. In the back ground, how you deal with people can be affected. You can pass your fears on to your children, the people you work with.

Your vision of the world forever coloured.

That is my experience working with rape victims... It is my opinion only...

Cagivagurl

Find that I pretty much agree with your opinion and I am both an abuse survivor and have dated many victims. Although mine own experiences of abuse don't seem to have affected me as much as I've seen other people affected by even less traumatic situations than what I went through, and I do consider what happened in my past to have been on the less traumatic side but that doesn't mean it NEVER affected me, more that I feel like I have dealt with it and have been able to put it in my past. Not everybody can do that, either because what they faced was much more damaging or because they don't have whatever personality quirk I was blessed with that allowed me to move past things.

 

[AchtungNight]

I’ve dealt with abuse victims in my stories a few times. Freya from my God of War story survived several years as an abused spouse. Emily from “Fire Woman” was drugged and raped by evil frat boys and then became a legendary prosecutor rapists had good reason to fear. My most frequent male lead is a past victim of sexual harassment and assault. So is my most frequent female lead. Evan Rachel Wood in “Counseling” is living in an abusive relationship, though she won’t see it that way until she decides to get out of it- this is based on the actress’s real life experience, mind you. Same for the experiences of Doug and Lisa, since both are based to some degree on myself and girls I’ve dated in the past. And of course there are my villains whose sins include abuse featured in “Kings in Conflict” & “Courtney Crowe” among other stories. Abuse is a terrible thing. Writing out the stress of it helps. Therapy and support from loved ones can help more. I hope all victims out there can get plenty of help.

 

[YmaOHyd]

I reckon this is an area that a writer should treat with caution, unless they've got first-hand experience, either as a victim themselves, or knowing a victim of abuse. I'm not sure it's an area where someone should say, "Oh, let me have a go at that, I've got a good imagination." Probably not good enough to understand the trauma and deal with it sensitively, unless you actually know (one way or another).

That is very much how I feel. I don't feel comfortable treating abuse as a creative exercise. Others do, I'm not going to judge. But for me to do it at this stage of my journey as a writer would be so wrong for me creatively that it'd almost be wrong morally.

I do have a major character in an ongoing work who's been a victim of sexual assault and repeated harassment. It's included in the story -- indirectly; it had occurred in her past and she tells another character about it -- largely because it's an unfortunate reality for many people who work in the fashion industry. Or any industry that relies heavily on female beauty, really. The character did not start as a person who has experienced abuse; she began as someone who worked in fashion, and I as the author needed a reason to irrevocably sever her from that career path so she could take the steps that lead to her involvement in the story. Abuse in fashion is widespread enough that, from a coldly practical perspective, it was the obvious choice. And I didn't need, really, to use much imagination -- the stories are out there, widely reported by reliable sources and told and attested to by major names inside and outside the industry. Her off-the-page story, and the little bit of it she tells her friend on the page, I hope reflects both of the reality of what many women confront regularly and an idealized assertive response to it, not my own efforts to make it part of a story.

Once that decision had been made, I admit to hoping I can simply say 'it happened, she got the help she needed off-page before the story began, and she's ready to move forward healthfully and happily'. I do not want to write her as an abuse survivor, or a victim of abuse, but as a person who has and is healing.