stopping a scene

[dragonlace]

Recently we had a discussion about our safewords and using them and stopping scenes and wanted to know from others about it......

For me if He abruptly stops the scene, even if its because He believes i am in distress, is very hard for me also using my safe word even if its just yellow is hard. I feel as though i am letting Him down in some way or have failed Him and even though mentally i know its for my own good, emotionally its very hard on me. At the time, the emotion involved makes me feel unwanted and as though i just don't please Him and thats why it stops even if i know its just because He cares and doesn't want to hurt me.

How many have felt this way and how have you gotten through it? It takes all i can just to say yellow and wonder if there are any tricks to doing it. Does it get easier to do or will it always be a hard thing to do?

 

[Kajira Callista]

Recently we had a discussion about our safewords and using them and stopping scenes and wanted to know from others about it......

For me if He abruptly stops the scene, even if its because He believes i am in distress, is very hard for me also using my safe word even if its just yellow is hard. I feel as though i am letting Him down in some way or have failed Him and even though mentally i know its for my own good, emotionally its very hard on me. At the time, the emotion involved makes me feel unwanted and as though i just don't please Him and thats why it stops even if i know its just because He cares and doesn't want to hurt me.

How many have felt this way and how have you gotten through it? It takes all i can just to say yellow and wonder if there are any tricks to doing it. Does it get easier to do or will it always be a hard thing to do?

you shouldnt have to use your safe word, he knows you well enough and you are secure with him. he knows when to stop and does. so why would you have to use it?

 

[A Desert Rose]

I don't know safe words. I usually said "OUCH" really, really loud.









(Don't be mad at me, Lacey... sometimes my silly sense of humor can't be stopped. I know this is a serious thread. But if I made you smile, even... then that's good.)

 

[Kajira Callista]

I don't know safe words. I usually said "OUCH" really, really loud.









(Don't be mad at me, Lacey... sometimes my silly sense of humor can't be stopped. I know this is a serious thread. But if I made you smile, even... then that's good.)

just blame it on the moon phases

 

[s'lara]

Re: Re: stopping a scene

you shouldnt have to use your safe word, he knows you well enough and you are secure with him. he knows when to stop and does. so why would you have to use it?

Huh?

You may not have intended this post to come off as it did, but i read it as you saying her Dominant could read her mind and would know when to stop so her safeword was useless. If she had to use it, why didn't He know to stop right before she uttered the word? If knowing her well enough is tantamount to being a mind reader, she would never have to speak the safe word at all.

KC, i am sure you meant something entirely different with your post. But for those who are starting out, it is negligeable to say that if a Dominant knows you well enough, He/She should know when to stop by virtue of sensing your needs without a spoken word. A Dominant is human and not infallible and most certainly they do not possess powers to discern the thoughts of others. That said, if lacey has to speak her safe word for any reason, she should be able to do so without feeling she let Him down or rely upon some fable-like sub fantasy that an all knowing Master will just know innately when she is in trouble from play. There is no shame in letting someone know you have had enough even if the shame is felt after you safeword out.

To have this "Dominant mind-reader" expectation puts more than just the responsibility of another in the Dominant's hands. Such expectations are unrealistic in nature and demands that the Dominant have abilities which may be beyond their capabilities as Men and Women. i don't deny that after some time, especially if the two parties are particularly close, the needs of the other can sometimes be sensed, but that is a far cry from knowing the very thoughts of the sub or knowing, without inquiry, whether the sub is ready for limit pushing or not.

Lacey, safewording or visibly reaching your limit isn't something to be ashamed of although i shared your feelings when i did. What helps is to know that you have a goal, a shared task of working towards an expansion your current limits if that is what you both have agreed upon. A challenge shouldn't necessarily be met with distaste or an immediate sense of failure. Rather, your efforts to please Him and His efforts to move you beyond your present threshold are what makes it a pleasure to be in a D/s relationship and an adventure to seek out new heights of play. Stagnation can be a killer and i would view your acknowledgement of your limits as a sign that you both still have plenty to explore and that's always cool.

lara

 

[Kajira Callista]

Re: Re: Re: stopping a scene

Huh?

You may not have intended this post to come off as it did, but i read it as you saying her Dominant could read her mind and would know when to stop so her safeword was useless. If she had to use it, why didn't He know to stop right before she uttered the word? If knowing her well enough is tantamount to being a mind reader, she would never have to speak the safe word at all.

KC, i am sure you meant something entirely different with your post. But for those who are starting out, it is negligeable to say that if a Dominant knows you well enough, He/She should know when to stop by virtue of sensing your needs without a spoken word. A Dominant is human and not infallible and most certainly they do not possess powers to discern the thoughts of others. That said, if lacey has to speak her safe word for any reason, she should be able to do so without feeling she let Him down or rely upon some fable-like sub fantasy that an all knowing Master will just know innately when she is in trouble from play. There is no shame in letting someone know you have had enough even if the shame is felt after you safeword out.

To have this "Dominant mind-reader" expectation puts more than just the responsibility of another in the Dominant's hands. Such expectations are unrealistic in nature and demands that the Dominant have abilities which may be beyond their capabilities as Men and Women. i don't deny that after some time, especially if the two parties are particularly close, the needs of the other can sometimes be sensed, but that is a far cry from knowing the very thoughts of the sub or knowing, without inquiry, whether the sub is ready for limit pushing or not.

Lacey, safewording or visibly reaching your limit isn't something to be ashamed of although i shared your feelings when i did. What helps is to know that you have a goal, a shared task of working towards an expansion your current limits if that is what you both have agreed upon. A challenge shouldn't necessarily be met with distaste or an immediate sense of failure. Rather, your efforts to please Him and His efforts to move you beyond your present threshold are what makes it a pleasure to be in a D/s relationship and an adventure to seek out new heights of play. Stagnation can be a killer and i would view your acknowledgement of your limits as a sign that you both still have plenty to explore and that's always cool.

lara

yeah that was kinda fucked up..and it was a reply to what she said in her post and knowing a bit of the relationship maybe. i think she would understand but you are right someone else wouldnt. (just one of those days)

 

[s'lara]

Re: Re: Re: Re: stopping a scene

yeah that was kinda fucked up..and it was a reply to what she said in her post and knowing a bit of the relationship maybe. i think she would understand but you are right someone else wouldnt. (just one of those days)

i wouldn't call it effed up, but your thoughts may have been centered on something else. KC, it's all cool and i am sure lacey would understand. i hope your day ends on a good note.

lara

 

[dragonlace]

I don't know safe words. I usually said "OUCH" really, really loud.









(Don't be mad at me, Lacey... sometimes my silly sense of humor can't be stopped. I know this is a serious thread. But if I made you smile, even... then that's good.)

LMAO...never get mad at anything that makes me laugh

 

[dragonlace]

Not only is it about using safe words but also about having Him stop the scene abruptly and how some feel about it......thanks s'lara i know its a hard thing when i have to even say yellow let alone red.

He normally knows exactly how far He can go but i scared Him and He stopped a scene immediately because he was afraid He actually really hurt me and it was like all of my emotions came crashing down around me. We discussed it at length because i felt as though i had done something wrong when He stopped(my emotions being on edge from the scene and all). It left me feeling utterly useless and unpleasing and as though i failed Him.

Saying a safeword even a yellow is difficult for me, but does anyone have the same feelings when they have had a scene stopped, have their emotions come crashing down around them, has it been better once they used the yellow safe word or red or is it just as hard?

 

[catalina_francisco]

For me it has always been difficult, often for the same reasons you describe. It was made even more difficult by his preference for stopping the scene completely when a safeword is used, no yellow words for slowing or a break allowed. We no longer use a safe word between us, though on special occasions when I have concerns due to health issues he can't read without my help, he has given permission for me to let him know if it becomes a risk or concern.

It still is difficult for me to take that step and I do at times find myself pushing my limits on a wait and see basis which is not the smartest thing. This is one area where the responsibility is on the submissive to use the power to safeword when necessary. It helps for me to remind myself I am doing it for him so he will not be inconvenienced by damaging me in any way he does not intend....maybe that will work for you too DL, though I find it takes constant reinforcement.

Catalina

 

[shy slave]

Thanks S'lara for that post pointing out that Dom's are not mind readers.

I had to use the safe word recently and hated myself for doing so.

He hated the fact He had not realised that I was simply ultra-sensative on that occasion.

Using it was necessary but made us both feel we had let the other down ~ *sigh*

Its a good point you make Lacey
" I feel as though i am letting Him down in some way or have failed Him and even though mentally i know its for my own good, emotionally its very hard on me. At the time, the emotion involved makes me feel unwanted and as though i just don't please Him."

I can relate to that completly

Catalina said
"It helps for me to remind myself I am doing it for him so he will not be inconvenienced by damaging me in any way he does not intend....maybe that will work for you too DL, though I find it takes constant reinforcement."

This sounds logical, reasonable and sensible Catalina but at the time of having to use the safe word I did not feel logical or reasonable only angry with myself, upset and a failure to Him.

We have discussed removing the safe word and ironically I am not adverse to removing it.
I could then follow ADR example
'I usually said "OUCH" really, really loud.'

But then does "OUCH" become a safe word???

 

[Desdemona]

Well, I'll join in the discussion, sis.

I know exactly how it feels. The time he stopped a scene with me was remarkably similar to what happened with you, lacey.
(I was there for the scene lacey mentions).

What I can say is that I learned alot about myself, my limits and our relationship from the discussion that occurred after Snooze stopped a scene with me. The next time we scened, he pushed a limit and I was able to call "yellow" when I needed him to slow down. That time, I didn't have the emotions come crashing down and we were able to complete the scene to our mutual satisfaction. I suspect that next time, it will be even easier to let him know I need something to change before I get to a breaking point.

I learned even more from watching this situation with Master and you. It brought it all back to me, but because I didn't have all the hormones going, I was able to think about it somewhat objectively. It made me realise that maybe this is just a normal part of the evolution in this kind of relationship. It's one thing to read about using a safeword, but another thing entirely to have to do it. It all sounds rational and sensible to post about it, but when your emotions and hormones are involved, it can be devastating.

When Master stopped the scene with me, I felt like ice water had been poured on me... it was a shock to say the least and I was convinced I was the worst excuse for a sub that ever lived. I thought I was a complete failure. He stopped the scene far before I was willing to call "red"... I think I would have taken the scene farther than was sensible. I'm glad he stopped that time and forced me to talk about it. It improved our communication.

The other thing I realised was just how much he really cherishes both of us. I saw the look on his face when he decided to stop that scene. He wasn't upset about stopping. He was only concerned for your well being. It was cool to see that even though I feel it in the way he treats us and I know you do too.

It helped me realise that you and I are far harder on ourselves than he will ever be in terms of expectations and general pain tolerance. I'll try to remember that the next time I want to beat myself up because I can't go past a certain point.

Lacey, I also want to say that I was proud of you. Even though you were upset, you recovered well and we were able to play more later. I know it was a hard thing to do. That kind of a drop is really really hard to get past.

 

[AvaAdore]

i usually have a dilemma when i'm thinking of using a safe word. often i dont want to use it because even though i may not be happy with what's going on at that moment (barely tolerating being whipped, for example), i keep thinking that i can handle more so i shouldn't say the safe word.

on the other hand, my bf likes giving pain to the point where i will call out the safe word, and in some cases wont stop until i do (usually he will say beforehand if that is the case).

he knows when i've had enough a lot of the time and will stop before i feel the need to use the safe word. for example, fisting. i got to a point where i really couldnt take anymore, so he stopped and i didnt have to say anything.

 

[dragonlace]

For me it has always been difficult, often for the same reasons you describe. It was made even more difficult by his preference for stopping the scene completely when a safeword is used, no yellow words for slowing or a break allowed. We no longer use a safe word between us, though on special occasions when I have concerns due to health issues he can't read without my help, he has given permission for me to let him know if it becomes a risk or concern.

It still is difficult for me to take that step and I do at times find myself pushing my limits on a wait and see basis which is not the smartest thing. This is one area where the responsibility is on the submissive to use the power to safeword when necessary. It helps for me to remind myself I am doing it for him so he will not be inconvenienced by damaging me in any way he does not intend....maybe that will work for you too DL, though I find it takes constant reinforcement.

Catalina

Thanks Catalina, i appreciate it, its really hard but i will try it and see maybe that will help me too

 

[dragonlace]

Thanks S'lara for that post pointing out that Dom's are not mind readers.

I had to use the safe word recently and hated myself for doing so.

He hated the fact He had not realised that I was simply ultra-sensative on that occasion.

Using it was necessary but made us both feel we had let the other down ~ *sigh*

Its a good point you make Lacey
" I feel as though i am letting Him down in some way or have failed Him and even though mentally i know its for my own good, emotionally its very hard on me. At the time, the emotion involved makes me feel unwanted and as though i just don't please Him."

I can relate to that completly

Catalina said
"It helps for me to remind myself I am doing it for him so he will not be inconvenienced by damaging me in any way he does not intend....maybe that will work for you too DL, though I find it takes constant reinforcement."

This sounds logical, reasonable and sensible Catalina but at the time of having to use the safe word I did not feel logical or reasonable only angry with myself, upset and a failure to Him.

We have discussed removing the safe word and ironically I am not adverse to removing it.
I could then follow ADR example
'I usually said "OUCH" really, really loud.'

But then does "OUCH" become a safe word???

thanks for the input shy its nice to know there are others that have the same difficulties, and i am sure you will work it out just as i am

 

[dragonlace]

Re: Well, I'll join in the discussion, sis.

I know exactly how it feels. The time he stopped a scene with me was remarkably similar to what happened with you, lacey.
(I was there for the scene lacey mentions).

What I can say is that I learned alot about myself, my limits and our relationship from the discussion that occurred after Snooze stopped a scene with me. The next time we scened, he pushed a limit and I was able to call "yellow" when I needed him to slow down. That time, I didn't have the emotions come crashing down and we were able to complete the scene to our mutual satisfaction. I suspect that next time, it will be even easier to let him know I need something to change before I get to a breaking point.

I learned even more from watching this situation with Master and you. It brought it all back to me, but because I didn't have all the hormones going, I was able to think about it somewhat objectively. It made me realise that maybe this is just a normal part of the evolution in this kind of relationship. It's one thing to read about using a safeword, but another thing entirely to have to do it. It all sounds rational and sensible to post about it, but when your emotions and hormones are involved, it can be devastating.

When Master stopped the scene with me, I felt like ice water had been poured on me... it was a shock to say the least and I was convinced I was the worst excuse for a sub that ever lived. I thought I was a complete failure. He stopped the scene far before I was willing to call "red"... I think I would have taken the scene farther than was sensible. I'm glad he stopped that time and forced me to talk about it. It improved our communication.

The other thing I realised was just how much he really cherishes both of us. I saw the look on his face when he decided to stop that scene. He wasn't upset about stopping. He was only concerned for your well being. It was cool to see that even though I feel it in the way he treats us and I know you do too.

It helped me realise that you and I are far harder on ourselves than he will ever be in terms of expectations and general pain tolerance. I'll try to remember that the next time I want to beat myself up because I can't go past a certain point.

Lacey, I also want to say that I was proud of you. Even though you were upset, you recovered well and we were able to play more later. I know it was a hard thing to do. That kind of a drop is really really hard to get past.

thanks sis *hugggs*

 

[dragonlace]

i usually have a dilemma when i'm thinking of using a safe word. often i dont want to use it because even though i may not be happy with what's going on at that moment (barely tolerating being whipped, for example), i keep thinking that i can handle more so i shouldn't say the safe word.

on the other hand, my bf likes giving pain to the point where i will call out the safe word, and in some cases wont stop until i do (usually he will say beforehand if that is the case).

he knows when i've had enough a lot of the time and will stop before i feel the need to use the safe word. for example, fisting. i got to a point where i really couldnt take anymore, so he stopped and i didnt have to say anything.

Its always been that way, He has always stopped before we got to that point, and truthfully i wasn't ready to stop the scene so it blew my mind to stop, even though i was feeling vulnerable and overly sensitive, i would have continued.

I do need to let Him know more though even if its just to let Him know i am getting close to my boiling point so to speak and will have to try to get used to using the safe words for Him, so He can feel more secure about going farther.

 

[Mr Blonde]

How many have felt this way and how have you gotten through it? It takes all i can just to say yellow and wonder if there are any tricks to doing it. Does it get easier to do or will it always be a hard thing to do?

Everyone needs to remember this is real life. I always keep it in perspective when something does not happen exactly as I planned.

I have a lot of patience with safeword-related issues. If we share basic compatibility in other ways, then this is just a small obstacle compared to "tests" we have already passed.

I have stopped scenes myself. Sometimes it was definitely the right call. But I subsequently became aware I made the wrong decision on at least two occasions.

Here is a lame story: I mistakenly stopped a scene because a submissive gave our "yellow" word. Nothing was really wrong; I had just twisted her to a constricted position that was putting too much pressure on her surgically reconstructed knee. We fixed our terminology so she would say yellow and immediately give a reason. Live and learn. If it matters, one time I had to stop because I aggravated a problem with my shoulder.

What about a panic-stricken use of a safeword? A loss of concentration and quickly bailing from the scene. I can feign interest in vanilla sex when I am exhausted or distracted, but for BDSM I need some semblance of my full concentration. It must be the same for a submissive.

I recently had a thread about sub-drop and the general consensus was that the serious sub-drop is more prominant when conditions for play were marginal (fatigue, poor diet, stress, distractions, etc.). Honestly, we all go ahead and do a scene when we are not 100% ready. Out of wanting to fulfill our end of the relationship, we push ahead when everything is not optimally perfect and that is usually when we make mistakes.

 

[dragonlace]

Re: Re: stopping a scene

Everyone needs to remember this is real life. I always keep it in perspective when something does not happen exactly as I planned.

I have a lot of patience with safeword-related issues. If we share basic compatibility in other ways, then this is just a small obstacle compared to "tests" we have already passed.

I have stopped scenes myself. Sometimes it was definitely the right call. But I subsequently became aware I made the wrong decision on at least two occasions.

Here is a lame story: I mistakenly stopped a scene because a submissive gave our "yellow" word. Nothing was really wrong; I had just twisted her to a constricted position that was putting too much pressure on her surgically reconstructed knee. We fixed our terminology so she would say yellow and immediately give a reason. Live and learn. If it matters, one time I had to stop because I aggravated a problem with my shoulder.

What about a panic-stricken use of a safeword? A loss of concentration and quickly bailing from the scene. I can feign interest in vanilla sex when I am exhausted or distracted, but for BDSM I need some semblance of my full concentration. It must be the same for a submissive.

I recently had a thread about sub-drop and the general consensus was that the serious sub-drop is more prominant when conditions for play were marginal (fatigue, poor diet, stress, distractions, etc.). Honestly, we all go ahead and do a scene when we are not 100% ready. Out of wanting to fulfill our end of the relationship, we push ahead when everything is not optimally perfect and that is usually when we make mistakes.

Thank you for your perspective, it gives me a better view from the other side and helps me to see things a little differently...have you ever stopped a scene when she was so into it that she collapsed emotionally almost like a severe instantanious subdrop?...... because that was sort of what it was like.

 

[AvaAdore]

Its always been that way, He has always stopped before we got to that point, and truthfully i wasn't ready to stop the scene so it blew my mind to stop, even though i was feeling vulnerable and overly sensitive, i would have continued.

I do need to let Him know more though even if its just to let Him know i am getting close to my boiling point so to speak and will have to try to get used to using the safe words for Him, so He can feel more secure about going farther.

do you feel like you want to be pushed just a little bit further?

 

[dragonlace]

do you feel like you want to be pushed just a little bit further?

each time its pushed a little farther but just as i am about to reach that breaking point He knows and slows things down, it has always been almost as if He knows exactly how far He can go so its great. He pushes far enough but not over the delicate edge.

 

[Mr Blonde]

Re: Re: Re: stopping a scene

Thank you for your perspective, it gives me a better view from the other side and helps me to see things a little differently...have you ever stopped a scene when she was so into it that she collapsed emotionally almost like a severe instantanious subdrop?...... because that was sort of what it was like.

At least once. When I make a mistake I tend to get frustrated with myself and that dulls my powers of observation somewhat. But yes, at least once.

But I have also witnessed subdrop symptoms because of random interruptions. A sudden stop can be problematic under any circumstances.