stop jealousy

[Angel_Diva]

How can you trust someone without getting jealous all the time? Without imagening things in your head that shouldn't be there...

*just a simple question, that had bothered me for quite awhile*

 

[Angel_Diva]

What..... no replies? thats like.... a first....

BUMP

 

[Latinababe]

Well, hard for me to answer that cause I used to get jealous of things my SO did and I try and think postive and not worry about little things that slip in and out of my head from time to time.

 

[Phoenix Stone]

My first smartass response was 'why'? But that's only for run-of-the-mill stuff, not the stuff that makes you or the other person feel bad. This is what worked for me: made a kind of 4 way graph, with each possibility in each square, like a math problem.

1.I'm act jealous/he turns out to be fooling around
2. I act jealous/he's not fooling around
3. I don't act jealous/he was fooling around
4. I don't act jealous/ he wasn't

So, then I went and followed each to their logical conclusion in my imagination. Pictured us old, sitting on the porch, swinging, when I find out the truth, whatever that is, and face the consequences.

First scenario -- ok, how do I feel? Triumphant? Sorta. A well at least he didn't fool me feeling.
Second scenario -- I feel terrible. His heart is broken because I never trusted him.
Third scenario -- I feel like a fool in a way. In another way I feel like I had love and enjoyed my life without bitterness and suspicion. I feel sad that he was such a jerk.
Fourth scenario -- no problem.

Then i went back and reexamined each possibility again, for whether they were worth it. The one I fear is #3. So weight that one against 1 and 2. On the scale, that moment of triumph in #1 doesn't weigh much against a lifetime of trust in #3 (versus a lifetime of suspicion). Number 2 versus 3 is harder. His heartache versus my being a fool. But the tiebreaker was weighing the the triumph of 1 against the heartbreak of #2.

My being right (#1) versus his being heartbroken that I never trusted him? No contest.

I took that step out into space. Taking the chance.

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[sheath]

How can you trust someone without getting jealous all the time? Without imagening things in your head that shouldn't be there...

*just a simple question, that had bothered me for quite awhile*

If I was with a man that invoked jealousy in me quite often, then I knew he wasn't the man I was meant to be with. Trust is something that shouldn't be just handed out...he has to earn it. Jealousy is a sign of not trusting completely. So...it stands to reason that if I'm jealous, then I don't entirely trust him...and there HAS to be a reason for that. And until I figure out that reason, I'm best not being in a relationship with that man.

I hope that all made sense. It's one of those nights.

S.

 

[Angel_Diva]

You all are right in all of your ways, its just that i'm very indecisive & when i am its hard for me to be on the right track. Especially when i'm alone, I know i love him but doubts get into my head all the time. Also there's this one thing that bothers me and i try soo hard not to be botherd by it.

Anyways, i need a way to get rid of my green monster issue.

 

[Phoenix Stone]

Also there's this one thing that bothers me and i try soo hard not to be botherd by it.

What does this mean?

 

[Angel_Diva]

What does this mean?

It means that, we had a little problem.... & i tried to get over it.
It wasn't anything big... but it had hurt me.

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[77Cobra]

Jealousy

Good question.I would consider myself an expert on this one.I used to be a very very jealous person.I ruined several relationships and marraiges over the green eyed monster.I imagined every scenario that was possible.If she was late immediately I thought she was fucking around.I gues I got that way because I found out after my first wife died that she was having an affair the whole time we were married so as someone stated earlier it is lack of trust that causes jealousy.After that happening I could not trust for a long time.I finally met and married the woman of my dreams and we had problems with my jealousy at first and finally one day I realized that I was driving myself nuts over all the shit I was dreaming up and thought about all the time and energy I had wasted,accussing her and fighting needlessly.I realized that to truly love someone with all your heart you have to have total trust in them and make yourself vulnerable to being hurt if your relationship is to be all it can be.I also woke up to the fact ,if she wants to cheat there is nothing I can do to stop her really,unless I tie her up and keep her a prisoner.It took practice to learn to trust again but it worked.
Funny thing though she began to not trust me and was really making our life miserable.I kept telling her think about what kind of person you are saying I am when you are accussing me of all these crazy things.I said I am not a dog,If I did have urges I am human and I can control them.I also told her if you do not stop doing this someday I may go do it because I am being found guilty whether I did or didn't do it.She has gotten a lot better thank God.

 

[sheath]

It means that, we had a little problem.... & i tried to get over it.
It wasn't anything big... but it had hurt me.

It doesn't have to be a big thing to hurt like hell. And if it still hurts now, later, then was it really that small of a thing to begin with?

You have to deal with what has happened in the relationship. If it was a lie that was told, for instance? Then it is HIS job to earn back that trust. And it doesn't happen overnight. Until he does earn it back, you will be feeling wary, jealous, and any number of negative emotions when you think of that 'what ifs'. He has to understand that and be patient with the mistake he has made.



S.

 

[Avery_Chisholm]

just don't think about it and don't ask him any questions' where you know the answer will drive you completely batty that's what I do

 

[Zanzibar]

I drove someone away that I cared about very much because those green eyed demons of jealousy got the better of me.

After that experience, and a lot of soul searching, I boiled it down to this.

If someone wants to be with you, they will be. If they don't, they won't.

And it really doesn't matter if I feel jealous or not, because my trying to put shackles on them about what they can do, or who they can see may work in the short term, but the resentment will eventually drive them away.

So I can choose to feel shitty, or not. And act on that choice.

I found that once I accepted that for myself, I was a whole lot more fun to be around... and you know what, more people chose to spend time with me, or wanted to.

Major revelation.

Yes, I have some folks that I'd like to spend more time with, but I have found that without the angst involved, the time I do have with them is so much richer, and they feel the same way.

So for me, it was a lot of wasted energy that usually ended up with a negative result.

My two cents on jealosy.

 

[rosco rathbone]

I have sort of the opposite take. Jealousy has never been a problem for me, to the extent that its not-being-a-problem is sort of a problem.

My natural tendency is to say---whatever. do what you have to do. i refuse to try to shackle anyone.

However, I think that is a kind of immature idea in a way, and I have been trying to develop some regular, healthy, nurturing jealousy. Chicks dig it.

 

[sheath]

I have sort of the opposite take. Jealousy has never been a problem for me, to the extent that its not-being-a-problem is sort of a problem.

My natural tendency is to say---whatever. do what you have to do. i refuse to try to shackle anyone.

However, I think that is a kind of immature idea in a way, and I have been trying to develop some regular, healthy, nurturing jealousy. Chicks dig it.

I don't know that it is immature...but I do know that every time a man looked at me and said, "whatever, do what you want", I ended the relationship almost immediately. If he didn't give a damn, well, then why would he care if I walked away?

S.

 

[rosco rathbone]

I don't know that it is immature...but I do know that every time a man looked at me and said, "whatever, do what you want", I ended the relationship almost immediately. If he didn't give a damn, well, then why would he care if I walked away?

S.

Yep.

 

[captain snakebite]

Probably not very helpful, but there are only two ways to eliminate jealousy -

1. Don't give a damn. About anything. Or anyone. Ever. And...

2. Stay single.

Seriously though - jealousy is a completely natural emotion - it gets us all sooner or later. Well, all of us who aren't 1 or 2 above.

A good way to handle it is to treat it like a child - know that it's there and keep an eye on what it's getting up to, but don't give in to it's demands just because it keeps nagging. Jealousy Jr usually gets sick of being ignored when he's just nagging for a bit of attention, but - like a child - if there's something really wrong, he'll find a way of letting you know.

 

[cyberangel69]

sometime I find that the jealousy I feel has more to do with my tempation then with things that my SO does.

Sometimes I meet other boys in school that I find attractive physically and mentally. I feel a lot of temptation sometimes to cheat on my boyfriend. Although I never had, and I never will b/c i love him and he's worth more then some fling.

But i think it is my own temptation that makes me jealous b/c if I'm feeling these things then he must be too. As i'm typing this I realize how stupid i must sound.

but once I realized WHY I was jealous it helped me deal with my jealousy.

And if he's cheated on you before (which is what it sounds like from your posts?) sometime you have to realize you can't get over it. You can find a guy that you can trust!

I hope it all works out for you

 

[SweetBlindness]

Interesting thread... I'd like to offer a different take on the subject.

Jealousy hurts the most, perhaps, when you have a reason to be jealous. Not of material things, but sometimes of personal friends or people in certain situations that may monopolize your S/O's time... leaving you feeling alone and uninvolved within your own life.

Some people want to save the world, to be the supreme givers of advice and counseling (non-professional) to others - and they can't see the harm this is doing to their own relationship. The one that should come first comes last, because in their own mind, everyone else needs them. Funny how that works.

While I have no problem with lending my own support to friends in need, I don't make a career of it. Nor do I allow it to interfere with my relationship.

 

[SexyChele]

I found I used to get jealous when I was younger. Now as I'm getting older, it no longer is an issue for me. I learned this lesson the hard way: always jealous with a previous ex, always feeling like he was cheating, and one day I found out he had been. Reality? The jealousy should have been my warning sign that this was a man who could not be trusted by me. I got myself all torn up for years, and even more so when I found out I was correct. It wasn't worth it.

The man I'm with now I trust completely. I have no feelings of jealousy when talks about other women - even his exes - or if other women give hugs or whatever. I know how important I am to him and who he will be going home with. That's all that matters. If other women want to flirt with him, that's fine. I know where his heart is and he has my trust.

If your guy hurt you badly and it is still bothering you, then you two haven't worked it through completely. There are still issues to be addressed. A piece of advice that I can offer? When there is an argument, disagreement, or fight settle it completely and fully - and never, ever, under any circumstances bring it up again. It's old history, in the past. If either of you brings it up, the conversation stops with "that's old news and no longer available for discussion." If things have not been settled, then this will continue to be an issue between the two of you.


Jealousy goes away when you learn you can trust the person absolutely.

 

[blondie74]

I think jealousy and trust can be very closely related. When my hubby and I first started dating, I trusted him, but not like I do 4 years later. When I didn't trust him completely, it was easy to get jealous of other females giving him attention. Now, it doesn't bother me.

I'm not sure that a small amount of jealousy is a bad thing. As long as it doesn't become obsessive.

 

[Bobmi357]

Jealousy goes away when you learn you can trust the person absolutely.

Ah but getting to that point is part of the problem for most people. I trust my wife implicitly, I know she would do nothing that would hurt me or our relationship. In our current relationship I don't have a jealous bone in my body. But I'm also aware of the fact that if we went to a more open relationship that would change real quick.

Jealousy stems from a basic lack of trust AND an expectation that the other person has it in them to do something that will hurt you. Jealous spouses usually have a good reason to be concerned. But they don't wake up one morning and find themselves jealous. Its a gradual process where a bunch of inconsistencies slowly erode the trust one spouse has for another.

The jealous person needs to examine the root causes of that mistrust and find out if they are valid or not. BUT, if the root causes turn out to be false assumptions, the jealous person needs to be mature enough to say "Well I fucked up, I better work on this."

Of course if the assumptions turn out to be true its a whole other ball of wax.