Step by step guide to training?

[mrpeeper]

My SO and I are new to this. We both want to do it and she is a total sub and I am a total Dom personality wise. Can someone write an outline as to how to start with training? Is there somewhere where this is already written? I am looking for things such as.... Where and how to start, First things to work on, What do you go to next and on and on. Thanx for your input. I don't want to have to buy a book. I am looking for something online.

 

[s'lara]

Hello peepers.

Part of learning about the lifestyle is taking the initiative to find information about the different aspects of BDSM. While i admire your willingness to learn, i think asking someone to provide you with a "BDSM for Dummies" outline is going about it the wrong way. You seem to want a quick guide presented in a neat package. Unfortunately, BDSM has many aspects which cannot be condensed into an outline.

You mention you want to do "it", but do not elaborate as to what you want to do. Do you want to construct a D/s relationship? A sexual power exchange union? Incorporate BDSM activities in your daily activities?

Sorry to hear that you don't want to find a book which relates to BDSM. You are precluding a great source of material from which you could gain a better understanding of power exchange, sadomasochism, etc.

i've put together a list of links that i found which might be helpful. Please note these links are meant to be informative and not necessarily meant to be exercises in training. Before you begin anything, you need to sit down with your SO and talk her about what areas you both would like to explore, fantasies, fears, concerns, etc. That's the best place to start.

Finally, please take a look at our Library which is parsed out into many subjects related to BDSM, D/s, S/M, etc. Good luck.

http://blood-dance.net/bdsm/beginners.html

http://www.strangeland.net/bdsm/beginner.html

http://www.sexuality.org/l/bdsm/domadvic.html

http://www.wizdomme.com/infopack/begguide.shtml

http://www.wizdomme.com/infopack/faq.shtml

http://www.bedroombondage.com/bondageu/drbondage/basictechniques.html

http://latches.webslaves.com/

http://www.akashaweb.com/goodgirl.html - applicable to MaleDom's too


lara

 

[Etoile]

Kudos to s'lara for an awesome, well-informed answer!

mrpeeper, is your aversion to books on a cost basis or on an "I don't want to order that sent to my home/I don't want to buy that in a store" basis? You can get "The New Topping Book" and "The New Bottoming Book" delivered to you in a plain package by Amazon.com for $10.47 each!

 

[mrpeeper]

I am not against books. I just wanted to see some example ideas online. Can you guys list some things that you use or have had used in training a sub? I will be looking to get some books. I just wanted to see some things now and not have to wait a week for the delivery. Thanx again.

 

[Etoile]

Can you guys list some things that you use or have had used in training a sub?

LOL, you won't get that from me or s'lara! We're on the other end.
Perhaps others reading this thread can contribute?

 

[mrpeeper]

Well, how about some things your masters have used? Why is it all so secret?

 

[Bandit58]

My SO and I are new to this. We both want to do it and she is a total sub and I am a total Dom personality wise. Can someone write an outline as to how to start with training? Is there somewhere where this is already written? I am looking for things such as.... Where and how to start, First things to work on, What do you go to next and on and on. Thanx for your input. I don't want to have to buy a book. I am looking for something online.

Master and I first filled in a checklist, so both He and I could get an idea of what we both wanted/knew about/had tried/not tried. There are several out there, if you do a search "BDSM checklist" no doubt you'll find one. I also did and still do a lot of reading about the many different aspects of the lifestyle. This board has been invaluable

Our situation is different to yours in that Master is an experienced Dom and I am a new/novice submissive. Most of our D/s is in the bedroom although we do find it carries over into everyday life sometimes (we live together) As s'lara mentioned there are so many ways to incorporate BDSM into your life, and exploring to find out what you both want is very much part of the fun!

 

[s'lara]

Well, how about some things your masters have used? Why is it all so secret?

It's not a secret. i don't know about Etoile, but i have reservations about providing techniques applied to me in the past to a complete novice who is very anxious to skip the learning stage and head straight to training another. You're asking for information which may cause harm or injury, so i am sure you can understand the reluctance.

What is it that you want specifically? Are you looking for information that you could employ tonight? i sense an urgency to your posts, but if i am wrong, my apologies.

Here is a thread that may be right up your alley. Please note this thread concerned power exchange without S/M. Some of the ideas might be what you are seeking. Since you haven't specified exactly what you are looking for, i hope this is a start.

As there have been a number of links and text offered, i think this is a good beginning. It's now up to you and your SO to find the next steps you're both willing to take. Please keep in mind that all your activities should be with the consent of your SO and within the boundaries that you both should set before any sceneing. Bandit made a good point. Please use a checklist (one can be found here ) to determine where your SO is willing to allow you to take her. Safe exploration to you.

lara

P.S. - Thank you Etoile.
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https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?s=&postid=8951713&highlight=*stone*#post8951713

a) http://www.sexuality.org/l/bdsm/handb_tw.html

"NEGOTIATING A SCENE

Once you and your partner have read over the lists of fantasies, roles, scenes and fetishes, and you have decided which elements you would like to incorporate into your scene, you can begin play. You can begin play with anything from a general idea of your partner's likes and limits to a complete and elaborate script. Most people like to at least work out a rough "script" for the scene, including the roles and elements that will be introduced. Here are some examples of possible scripts.

S&M FANTASY #1: Sensory deprivation, bondage, sensation play

He is dominant. He will tie her up and blindfold her, then alternately tickle and sexually tease her. Some of the props include a blindfold, soft nylon ropes, a feather, a rabbit fur, an ice cube, and possibly a whip or paddle.

You don't have to use a whip/paddle/rope but the rest applies to your comments about wanting some kind of force/sensation play.

S&M FANTASY #2: Body worship, whipping, sexual teasing

She is dominant. He is harshly ordered to his knees, from where he must kiss and lick any part of her body that she tells him to. She will then whip him until he begs for mercy. When he finally begs for mercy, she will sexually tease him until he has an orgasm.

Substitute the "She" for "He", remove the whipping and you have what you want.

S&M FANTASY #3: Role-playing (principal and schoolgirl), spanking

He is dominant. He is the headmaster of a private school, and she is a naughty schoolgirl. He administers a stern lecture and an over-the-knee spanking. Props might include a ruler (great for giving a light spanking) and a cute schoolgirl costume.

You said you weren't opposed to light pain, so this might work for you.

S&M FANTASY #5: Role-playing (burglar and victim), rape fantasy

He is dominant. He puts on a ski mask and "breaks in" to her bedroom. He then rapes his "unwilling" partner and generally does whatever he wants, stopping only when she uses the safe word or safe signal.

You said that rape was a possible fantasy and this might work for you, or not.

S&M FANTASY #6: Role-playing (medical fantasy), submission

She is dominant. She is a doctor who must give him a complete physical exam. She pokes and prods him in various private places, and he can do nothing but submit to her. She handles his cock and balls with authority, giving him pleasure at her whim. Possible props for this scene include latex gloves and lubricant for anal play.

These are just a few examples of the S&M scenes that you can create from the ideas given here. Let your imagination be your guide.

i don't understand how none of these are "How To" material. Unless i, and others, continue to read you wrong, the above examples are either direct or close hits to what you want to explore.
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More "How To" from the same link:

BEGINNING PLAY

Once you have decided to play, negotiated a scene and worked out a basic script with your partner, how do you begin? It is not always easy to make the transition from being Mr. and Ms. John and Mary Smith to playing the roles of an Amazon priestess and her temple slave. Even if you are doing a straight S&M scene as opposed to a fantasy, getting mentally and emotionally into your dominant and submissive roles can take some work. Unless you live a total S&M lifestyle, you have probably spent the day thinking of your partner as your spouse, lover or friend. Switching over to thinking of him or her as your slave, your Master or your Mistress takes some doing. Careful preparation is the key.

If you are playing out a specific fantasy, it helps to set one room such as the bedroom aside for your play. Make sure that all of the props that you will need are already in the room. Remove or temporarily hide any obvious items in the room that will detract from your fantasy. You don't have to do a complete redecoration, but if you are playing the roles of a medieval princess in a dungeon and her rescuer, you should probably at least drape a cloth over that television and VCR that is sitting on the dresser. Likewise, the Exercycle and digital scale should get put out in the hall for the time being.

If you are not playing in a fantasy world, you don't have to be quite as drastic in what you remove, but keep in mind that some things are not sexy under any circumstances. Put the dirty clothes on the floor in the hamper, make the bed with crisp, new sheets, and take the cat's litter box out to the garage for the evening. Messes are a turn-off.

You would be surprised how sexy a change of bedroom scenery can be. You don't have to put mirrors on the ceiling, but a new, erotic painting or poster for the wall or outrageous pink satin sheets on the bed might put some extra spice in your lovemaking.

Costuming is also important. A simple outfit consisting of black pants and a black sweater can be the basic backdrop for a dozen different roles, with the addition of a few simple props. If your fantasy role is that of the headmaster of a private school, try putting on an appropriately sober-looking business suit. If you are expressing the "naughty", blatantly sexual side of your nature, wear a garter belt, fishnet stockings and a bra. Keep in mind that both of these costumes can be appropriate for either sex! There is no reason that she cannot wear the business suit while he puts on the filmy lingerie. Playing with gender as well as fantasy roles can be a stimulating addition to your sexual repertoire.

To actually step into a fantasy, both of you will go into the room that you have designated for play. Discuss the final details of the scene and check the scenery for any obvious flaws (the Exercycle in the castle dungeon, et cetera). Then, one partner leaves the room for a few minutes. It is agreed that when he or she steps back in, it will be in role, and the fantasy will have begun.

HOW TO PLAY

QUICK REFERENCE - STARTING A SCENE

Using the lists given in this document, agree on the elements of an S&M scene that mutually excite you.

Choose a safe word that ends play or signifies that it is time for the dominant partner to ease up on what he or she is doing. If you are playing out a fantasy, you may want to decide on an additional word that temporarily allows you to exit the fantasy. A typical S&M safe word is "mercy," while any out-of-context word or cue such as "sunrise" can be used as a signal to step out of a fantasy.

Decide who will be dominant. Some couples prefer to switch roles, whereas some will be more comfortable in set roles. Neither is inherently "right" or "wrong", although I do recommend experimenting at least initially with both dominance and submission. There is no shame in playing the submissive role in a fantasy game, and it can be an awful lot of fun besides. Switching roles is also a good way to show your partner what you would like to do or what you want to have done to you when you switch back.

Put together some basic idea of what you will do in the scene. This can be anything from agreeing on a few elements ("Let's explore bondage and cross dressing") to a very complex and detailed script.

Prepare the room for play. Tidy it up and make it as much of an appropriate setting for your scene as you can. Gather all of the props and toys you will need to do your scene. Nothing is more annoying that not finding the toy you need at an intense moment.

Enact the ritual that begins play. A ritual is anything that you decide it will be, from putting on a slave collar to verbalizing the titles of your dominant and submissive roles. ("You are a slave" - "Yes, Master/Mistress.")
Have the most fun, sexual arousal, emotional fulfillment and thorough enjoyment that you possibly can.

All of the above is dead on ... so i am confused as to what didn't work and what was all mental/psychological.

b) http://www.sexuality.org/l/bdsm/position.html

The same with this link. It gave a number of positions you could assume to physically express your submission. You did mention that being on your knees was something you enjoyed. These positions take that idea further:

A Submissive's Sample Set of Positions for Memorization

For Submissives of any Gender. Intended for Consensual Fantasy Play Only.

"Attention" Positions
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0
Standing upright, legs spread moderately, hands clasped behind back, above ass.

1

As 0, but hands are clasped behind neck.


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Spanking Positions
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10
Over my lap, hands and feet on floor.

11

As 10, but with hands clasped behind neck.

12

Over my lap, inside leg trapped between my legs. Hands on floor.

13

Over my lap, genitals together.

14

Straddling me facing my feet, hands on floor, ass slightly raised in front of me.


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Paddling Positions
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20
Standing, legs spread moderately. Bent at waist, hands on legs below knees.

21

As 20, but with hands clasped behind neck.

22

As 21, but in a partial squat.


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Crawling Positions
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30
On hands and knees, legs vertical and moderately spread. Head is hung in shame.

31

On knees and elbows, arms stretched forward. Legs slightly spread. Back arched.

32

As 31, but with hands on elbows (not stretched forward).

33

As 32, but with hands pinching opposite nipples.

34

On knees, leaning forward with face and breasts on floor. Hands reaching back to grip ankles.


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Fucking Positions
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40
On back, legs spread very wide, legs straight. Hands clasped behind head.

41

As 40, but with knees bent moderately.

42

As 40, but with knees bent completely, feet against ass.

43

As 41, but use your hands to spread your hold genitals.

44

On back, hugging knees to chest, feet against sides of ass. Legs together.

45

As 44, but with knees against shoulders.

46

On back, arms hugging bent legs, widely spread.


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Kneeling Positions
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50
Kneeling upright, toes pointed. Hands placed behind arched back.

51

Kneeling upright in front of named object (bed or desk), chest touching surface. Arms held straight out to the sides. Legs slightly apart.


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"Bicycle" Positions
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60
On back, hips in the air supported by hands. Legs together, pulled back toward head.

61

On back, hips in the air supported by hands. Legs in the air, splayed widely.


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Supine Positions
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70
Lying face down, hands clasped behind neck. Legs spread widely.

71

As 70, but with legs together.

72

Push-up position, legs apart and arms extended, ass slightly raised.


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Arched positions
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
80
Back walkover position, back arched greatly, legs spread moderately.

81

On knees, back arched greatly. Hands grasping ankles.


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c) http://www.bestslavetraining.com/attitude.htm - This link explores training a slave and adjusting attitudes/behavior. i thought you mentioned mild mind control, hypnosis, conditioning and other methods which include psychological domination, etc. These techniques could be used to spin you mentally if you were open to it:

Techniques for changing attitude:

If you change a slave's attitude, then you can change her behavior. According to social psychology, a Master can change a slaves attitude by one of the following techniques: (Note: I don't consider it a complete list)

1) Foot-in-the-Door Technique. To get someone to change an attitude or grant a favor, begin with a small attitude change or favor. The theory is that a second change is easier after the first one. This is the method used on American POW's during the Korean War.

2) Door-in-the-Face Technique. First, ask for an outrageous attitude change or favor, then reduce it to a much smaller and more reasonable one. It works best if there is not much time between requests.

3) Ask-and-you-shall-be-given Technique. People will respond by giving to what is seen as a good cause.

4) Lowballing Technique. A person is influenced because they perceive a low stake in it. Once the decision is made, the stakes can be increased.

5) Modeling. Modeling the behavior of someone else increases the likelihood that they will change.

6) Incentives Techniques. Incentives work well for changing behavior but not attitude. A person can go to work for the money, but still dislike the job.

7) Role Playing. Role refers to behaviors that are expected of someone in a particular social setting. A slave is expected to act as a slave and therefore her behavior will change to meet her behavior.
____________________________________________________

More How To from this link http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdsm_scenarios.html

(Edited to remove pain/bondage references in order to focus on the D/s without BDSM.)

Dice and cards also add all kinds of potentially interesting variation to your sex life. I like using things like dice and cards, because they can create an element of surprise and tension. You can make your own cards from 3x5" index cards; or, better still, get a deck of blank playing cards from a hobby shop.

A punishment box is a good way to keep a submissive in line. Make a set of cards, each of which has an erotic punishment written on it. If the submissive misbehaves, he or she has to draw a punishment at random from the box. Or, if you prefer, make your submissive create the cards--preferably while aroused, as people who are aroused will think of devious things that people who aren't aroused won't.

You can even make a game out of creating the punishment box! Tell the submissive to create a certain number of punishments each day. The dominant will review each one to make sure it is actually a punishment, and reject any that are really rewards in clever disguise. Of course, the submissive will need to be punished for each rejected card...

Meta-punishments can be fun, too. For example, one punishment card might be "Draw two more cards and accept both punishments," or "Flip a coin: heads, you draw one card; tails, you draw two."
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Ritual can be a very powerful technique in domination and submission. A submissive can be required to perform certain rituals, automatically and without prompting, at certain times or during certain events.

For example, you might create a ritual where the submissive is required to masturbate to orgasm every time he or she showers or bathes. This is an expected and required part of the process; the submissive should not need to be prompted.

A more risque ritual might require a submissive to find some way to masturbate to orgasm at least twice per week while at work.

Dice or other randomizing elements can be integrated into ritual, as well, One possibility, for example, is to require the submissive to roll a die each morning; the submissive's responsibility then becomes to have exactly that many orgasms that day, by whatever means necessary.

Orgasm Denial

This is a fun, and frustrating, technique that can bring some of the spark back into sex. There are a hundred variations, but the basic idea is simple: prevent your partner from having an orgasm for a length of time (a day, two days, a week, whatever you want). You shouldn't make it easy; you can, for example, require that your partner have sex one or more times a day, or masturbate regularly (this works well when combined with a ritual of some sort), but your partner is not allowed any sexual release. Over time, the sexual tension builds up, and your partner becomes perpetually aroused.

When done over a period of several days or longer, this technique creates a very powerful level of sexual excitement. When you do finally allow your partner release, it's an extremely intense experience.

Human Sex Doll

This is a good way to explore your partner and get your feet wet in D/s. The premise is simple: the submissive partner is a living sex toy, and allows the dominant to put him or her into any position and take any action, and the submissive partner remains completely passive throughout. The submissive partner simply remains in whatever position the dominant places him or her into, and does not take an active role in any way whatsoever as the dominant explores the submissive.

Enforced Availability

This works best with a female submissive, and is especially good for those of you with an objectification fetish.

Choose a specific period of time, such as one particular day, when your partner is required to be available for sex at all times, regardless of her state of arousal. During this time, she is required to do whatever is necessary to keep herself ready for sexual penetration or intercourse. Periodically throughout the day, you should take advantage of her availability by taking her sexually, without warning and regardless of what she's doing at the time. Keeping herself available and well-lubricated is part of her responsibility; she should be ready for you constantly, at any time.

Eroticising everyday activities

There are a number of ways you can integrate D/s into things that normally don't have any connection with sex, eroticising them. For example, you might go into a pet store and have your submissive try on various collars right there in the store, then buy the one that looks the best. Or, you might send the submissive partner into a grocery store to buy innocuous things which suggest a sexual context--such as a cucumber and a box of condoms. This creates a psychological effect where the submissive is convinced that everybody knows exactly what's going on (and he or she may be right...).

Sensation play

This is a technique suited for anyone with a very sensual approach to sexual exploration. The idea is very simple; start by blindfolding your lover (and tying him or her down, if that sounds like fun to you), then subjecting him or her to a wide variety of different sensations. For example, you may stroke your lover'sbody with ice, or drip hot wax on his or her body, or caress your lover's skin with soft fur, coarse sandpaper, and other textures.

Public play

There are many techniques involving D/s in a public space, particularly where feelings of vulnerability are created.

For example: Take your partner out to a very ritzy dinner at an upscale restaurant. Midway through dinner, quietly slip your partner some sort of sex toy. Order your partner to go to the restroom, go into a stall, strip naked, and masturbate to orgasm. As a particularly evil twist, you can order your partner to return to the table still wearing the toy. Doing something like this is a very effective way of creating a delightful sense of vulnerability.

Conditioning (part I)

The human brain is a remarkable organ; creative, good at pattern matching and association, and capable of learning. This affords all manner of ways to have some kinky fun.

One idea that works particularly well is to condition your partner to want something which he or she normally wouldn't want, and to anticipate and even ask for things that test limits.

Pick something that's within your partner's hard limits, but that normally your partner would never vountailry want or ask for. Something that you might otherwise use as a punishment is good; something your partner finds humiliating, for example, or otherwise challenging to endure.

Describe how you are going to do this thing to your partner. Take your time; let the apprehension build. Explain in loving detail what you're going to do, and how it's going to feel. When your partner is writhing and twisting in apprehension, explain that you're not going to do it until they ask you to. And tell them to make it convincing.

Don't give it to your partner right away. Order your partner to keep asking for it until you are absolutely convinced that they want it. Tell them to beg for it, and to describe how badly they want you to do it. Only after your partner is begging and pleading should you do to them whatever it is.

The interesting thing about doing this is that human responses work both ways; our emotional state influences our actions, but our actions also influence our emotional state. A person who finds himself or herself begging for something will really begin to want that thing, even if he or she would not ordinarily want it at all!

Conditioning (part II)

Another fun and kinky way to play with the mind's incredible flexibility is to use good old-fashioned operant conditioning in the bedroom.

Pick a word, or a name, and say it when your partner reaches orgasm. Keep saying it as your partner comes. Continue to do this every time you have sex; gradually use the word just the instant before your partner comes, then a little bit longer before orgasm, then a little bit longer...

With work and practice, it's often possible to train your partner to orgasm whenever they hear that word. Like, in the mall, in the office, anywhere.

_____________________________________________________

More on D/s ideas that do not include pain.

http://www.vanilla-not.com/dominantvoices/ritual.html

Rituals (edited some to take out references to practices of an S/M nature)

------shaving of the pubic hair ( classic submissive ritual) many Doms prefer bare
------meditation for 15 minutes before retiring to bed ( always kneeling)
------sleeping in a collar (one made of quick release and large enough for safety)
------always using the Dom and His reference in UPPER case
------always referring to the submissive in lower case and third person
------journaling everyday
------words of control and meditation :Breath, Focus, Float and Roll
------giving control over not having an orgasm without permission FIRST
------Kneeling at the Doms feet or bed and outside of the bathroom
------waiting at the door for permission to enter first
------not speaking until the Dom/me gives permission
------asking permission to or eat and drink
------foot worship and sexual worship
------waiting in position before play
------stating when submissive is sexually stimulated eg. 'i am Your wet slut Sir"
------asking permission for a sexual release
------always carry the Dom/me bag, smokes or business card
------walking behind the Dom/me and to the left
------driving the Dom or preparing the car for travel ( air conditioner or heat)
------accepting curfews, bedtimes, diet and exercise
------writing all fantasy's and limits both hard and soft
------disrobe when entering the house and remain naked until told to dress
------accept dress requirements as the Dom seems fit
------not using furniture when in the house ( sitting lower than the Dom/me)
------do not sit until the Dom/me is seated first
------serve the Dom/me food first
------kneel to the Dom/me and confess behavior and accept correction/discipline
------kneeling with the Dom/me drink in palm, kiss edge and present, eyes lowered
------proper positions for training and pleasure
------sleep at the Dom/me feet or foot of bed (with/out pillow and blanket)
------wearing a butt plug for as long as the Dom wishes and think that He is in your ass
------wearing of the collar in the house and during training
------never approach the Dom/me without permission (ask first and granted)
------never speaks first waits for the Dom to acknowledge
------falls to a kneeling position when their Dom/me enters a room
------NEVER leaves the presence of a Dom/me without permission first

These are just a few of the rituals that this girl has or does now perform.

Tips for the Dom: be creative and personalize the rituals to suit Your needs and the submissive's growth. They will be most honored to do these every time with encouragement and praise. A firm hand will allow the submissive to see the importance of the ritual.

Tips for the submissive: take these very seriously and express your joy in what your Dom/me allows you to have. Discuss possible problems and concerns immediately to the Dom for further discussion on modifications if necessary. Each rituals allows you to bond and grow with your Dom/me. This is about a relationship. Trust and submit all that you have.
Lastly, never stop communicating.

_____________________________________________

 

[Etoile]

Well, how about some things your masters have used? Why is it all so secret?

Hmmm. See, I don't really know what training techniques have been used on me. It's not like training a dog, where there are discrete tasks...a human is a much more complex animal, and therefore harder to train. I've learned things - I've learned to be able to piss in a big plastic cup, anytime/anywhere, for example - but I don't know how I was trained into that.

 

[mrpeeper]

I am not looking for something to do tonight. You guys are taking me the wrong way. Everything is so general online. I am looking for a place to start. I am NOT training a animal here and yes my SO is ok with it. I am just asking for a place to start here.

 

[Etoile]

I am not looking for something to do tonight. You guys are taking me the wrong way. Everything is so general online. I am looking for a place to start. I am NOT training a animal here and yes my SO is ok with it. I am just asking for a place to start here.

Whoa there. Are we taking you the wrong way, or are you not explaining yourself clearly enough?

I know you're not training an animal. I'm surprised you got that from my post. My point was that while dogs can be trained through discrete tasks (clicker training), humans are all different. One size doesn't fit all. I can't tell you what my training was like because I experienced it, I didn't orchestrate it. Does that make sense?

 

[Etoile]

Oh, and just to be pedantic -

Humans are animals.

 

[mrpeeper]

My So and I are very much in Love. I Love her with all of my heart. We have agreed that this will bring us that much closer. I know that it will. All that I am asking is, please share what training even means. What are some actual examples of training? This has gotten way off subject. I don't want you guys to think that I'm trying to take a short cut here. How do you start the training? An example would be.... Training a sub to lay at your feet. I Love her and want this to be the best for us. Thanx.

 

[Etoile]

Okay, given a specific example, I can do better at answering that question.

Lay at your feet? At all times, or only specific times? In this case, I would suggest that you tell her to. This isn't asking anything particularly demanding, like enema retention. So order her to stay where you want her to be, in the position you want her to use. If she moves, the punishment is up to you.

Lemme guess, the next question is training for enema retention?

This one I can kind of answer because I've been trained into enemas, though not extended retention. It was an extremely difficult experience at first - it would set me into panic attacks, I absolutely hated it. I got trained into it by just having it done repeatedly, and eventually I learned how my body responded and I could better control myself. The part of training that the dominant is responsible for is watching the submissive, knowing the submissive, intimately. My particular dominant had to know when enough was enough, when I was being pushed too far, and when to push me a little more because I probably could take it even though I didn't know that I could.

 

[Bandit58]

"Training" in my case has been learning to please Master sexually - specifically learning how to relax my throat so I can take His cock deeper. Different positions are easier than others! He also loves to play with me anally and He has been getting my body used to being penetrated there by the use of fingers, one at first then two - He worked me up to three at one time which I didn't think I could take but as Etoile said He read my body and knew when it was ready. We have an inflatable butt plug which will be the next step

Just a little mention of trust.....if I didn't trust and love Master with all of my heart and soul I could not submit to Him. He also has to trust that I will use my safe word if anything ever becomes too much or doesn't feel right. Be open and honest with each other - if something doesn't work you can always stop the scene and talk and try something different.

Also there is no "right" way to do BDSM......there's no rule book!

 

[Little Bird]

Ah yes... I remember my happines when I got the first digit of the small finger in. Now I am to three fingers and I'm starting to belive that there will be much more to fit...

 

[Betticus]

My SO and I are new to this. We both want to do it and she is a total sub and I am a total Dom personality wise. Can someone write an outline as to how to start with training? Is there somewhere where this is already written? I am looking for things such as.... Where and how to start, First things to work on, What do you go to next and on and on. Thanx for your input. I don't want to have to buy a book. I am looking for something online.

The very first thing you should do is to get the checklist. You need a very thoroughally inclusive one. Make two copies of it and then you each sit down and fill them out without coaching or peeking at the other. It may take a day or more as it will involve a lot of soul searching on both of your parts. When you are done exchange them. She will learn what you are comfortable with and you will learn just what it is she feels the need or desire for. Do not lie on these or put in stuff that you just think you will like. You can always revise your checklist as you gain confidence and experience.

You have to understand that you will need to communicate like never before and develop trust and honesty that you never though yourself capable of, you will both bare your souls to each other. This is a level of communication that most vanilla married couples never even come close to attaining.

Compromise! You are both new and as much as you want to train her you will also have to train yourself. She may have needs that you can't meet yet. She may desire a level of pain that makes you want to cry if you give it to her. You may want something that terrifies her. Talk about everything often and grow with it.

This is a lifelong commitment, don't rush things and learn all that you can but definately do that checklist.

You won't hear much from the Dom's here on this particular subject as each one is different. Everyone has their own style and kinks. What works for us probably won't work for you. You will have to develop your own style that stems from your personality. Never try to mimic someone else. It is not who you are and is not fair to your partner. Just be yourselves and have safe, sane, consentual fun.

 

[Netzach]

I decide what I want

I spend countless hours learning about the person in question

I try to fit those things together

sometimes it's easy and natural and a piece of cake

sometimes it's hard and so I might taper off and tear off a small piece of the end goal, break down the task, introduce just the smallest part of a new idea, and slowly build up

sometimes a certain thing I want is not within the capacity of a certain person and that's just how it is.

that is why I like having more than one bottom

 

[Etoile]

If you still haven't found a checklist, this one is quite good. It's by the late Tammad Rimilia and may also be found elsewhere on the web (I think).

 

[Sir_Winston54]

There's another checklist here, similar to the one Etoile linked to, but this one includes definitions/explanations of the activities about which it inquires. Handy You do need Word 2K or newer to see/use it.

http://f4.grp.yahoofs.com/v1/IHaRQe...MJJGyPKKjbzko9jBkELNA5tFZw/BDSMCklstWExpl.doc

(Hoping this link works.)

 

[Etoile]

So, mrpeeper, are these responses more what you were looking for?

 

[heckle]

mrpeeper - First off, welcome to the lifestyle. One of the first things that you can do is to realize that there is no right way and no wrong way. There is ony what works for you.

That being said, I would suggest that the both of you sit down and talk about exactlywhat it is that you expect from this.
Do you want it to be part time or 24/7?
Fill out a checklist and discuss it openly. What are her limits? What are your limits? What turns you both on? Does she want to be a submissive, bottom or a slave? If she wants to be a slave, what type of slave (in what aspect)?

You should also find a local bdsm group that you both woudl feel comfortable with (it is much easier to learn from someone than online). Find someone who would help you both learn. Just starting out, you should not try to learn it all real fast. Take things slowly. Learn one thing then move on. Never stop learning!

Once you get started, take things at a comfortable pace. Start some rituals. Once you feel that your ready, bump things up a notch. When your meeting others that are in the lifestyle, be honest and truthful. This is a small community and word does travel. Maybe not fast, but it does travel none the less.

You should not demand respect from anyone. Not even your submissive. You should expect respect from your submissive. Respect is something that is earned. Respect can be taken away as fast as it can be given.

And some keypoints to remember for your relationship...
Honesty.
Trust.
Respect.

 

[rosco rathbone]

It isn't "secret". It is, however, largely intuitive. Those who "get it" will catch on quickly. Ain't that always the way of things?

 

[AngelicAssassin]

Bump for

Hello peepers.

Part of learning about the lifestyle is taking the initiative to find information about the different aspects of BDSM. While i admire your willingness to learn, i think asking someone to provide you with a "BDSM for Dummies" outline is going about it the wrong way. You seem to want a quick guide presented in a neat package. Unfortunately, BDSM has many aspects which cannot be condensed into an outline.

You mention you want to do "it", but do not elaborate as to what you want to do. Do you want to construct a D/s relationship? A sexual power exchange union? Incorporate BDSM activities in your daily activities?

Sorry to hear that you don't want to find a book which relates to BDSM. You are precluding a great source of material from which you could gain a better understanding of power exchange, sadomasochism, etc.

i've put together a list of links that i found which might be helpful. Please note these links are meant to be informative and not necessarily meant to be exercises in training. Before you begin anything, you need to sit down with your SO and talk her about what areas you both would like to explore, fantasies, fears, concerns, etc. That's the best place to start.

Finally, please take a look at our Library which is parsed out into many subjects related to BDSM, D/s, S/M, etc. Good luck.

http://blood-dance.net/bdsm/beginners.html

http://www.strangeland.net/bdsm/beginner.html

http://www.sexuality.org/l/bdsm/domadvic.html

http://www.wizdomme.com/infopack/begguide.shtml

http://www.wizdomme.com/infopack/faq.shtml

http://www.bedroombondage.com/bondageu/drbondage/basictechniques.html

http://latches.webslaves.com/

http://www.akashaweb.com/goodgirl.html - applicable to MaleDom's too


lara