Starting out as a mistress.... and questions

[doomed_angel]

I've read this forum for a long time and always been interested in being a mistress.

Just recently I was chatting to a lad on the internet and then met up in real life and got on really well. We quickly found out we were into similar things sexually, but that neither of us wanted a relationship, and i dont feel comfortable having "friends with benefits."
We didn't see each other for a while, then tonight we spoke on msn and he offered to model for an obscure photograhy project Im doing (basically about men dressed as women.)
We carried on the conversation and it all came out about how Im dominant and hes very submissive. He then asked if Id like to be his mistress.

We spoke about what we both wanted to get out of it, what either of us wouldn't feel comfortable doing and a little about what the boundaires are.

I love the idea of it but I'm a bit lost about how to proceed with it all. Also, is it acceptable to have someone as a slave, but not any other form of relationships (such as boyfriend or even friend.)

I'd love some advice or people's experiences of starting out and what to do/not do, it would all be very helpful.

Thanks

 

[mode]

just curious

'I love the idea of it but I'm a bit lost about how to proceed with it all. Also, is it acceptable to have someone as a slave, but not any other form of relationships (such as boyfriend or even friend.)"

That seems to me to be an interesting question but impossible to answer. It seems the best person to answer that would be the 'lad' himself. My question is, what does having a 'slave' mean to you? What does it even mean, you want him as a slave but not as a boyfriend. Does that mean you want it to be a no strings attached sexual relationship? You want him to do the dishes for you? You want to watch him crossdress platonicly? Does it mean you want him to be your personal shopper? I guess im just curios. Slave can mean so many things in context. What do you assume it means?

 

[BiBunny]

I, for one, could not imagine serving someone with whom I couldn't even be friends. It depends, of course, on how he feels about it, but if I couldn't tolerate a person outside of BDSM, I damn sure wouldn't be calling him/her Master or Mistress.

But then, I'm apparently a freaking hopeless romantic as well. I serve Master partly because it appeases my submissive side, partly because it appeases his dominant side, but mostly because I love him, love serving him, and would do anything to make him happy. I wish you luck, and I'm sorry I don't have anything more to add. It's late, and I'm sleepy

 

[neonflux]

As a newbie myself...

As Dominants and submissives, we all have different desires and needs. Being fairly new to formal BDSM, I am only beginning to understand my own as a Domme. I play primarily with a very close friend - a bi-male (I am bi-queer), who is also switch. Each time we play, regardless of whether I am Topping or bottoming, I learn more about my Dominant nature.

From here, I primarily have questions for you...

What do you want as a Dominant woman? What are your fantasies and desires? To control or order someone around? What would you like to order others to do for you? Do you enjoy or think about causing pain and if so, what kind and how intense? Do you like bondage? Do you like sensory play? To be worshipped & how? To be served and how?

What do you want out of being a Mistress? Do you want it 24/7 or just on occassion?

What does he want as a submissive? What are his fantasies and desires? To feel pain? What kind? To worship and how? To serve and how? (Reverse the rest of the questions above?)

In the BDSM Library on these boards, there is a whole section on BDSM relationships that might be helpful: https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?threadid=302511

Also, it might help to use one of those "negotiation sheets" that you find in many books on BDSM/Topping. There's a good one online here: http://www.wizdomme.com/infopack/negotiate.shtml

Good luck from a fellow traveler newly imbarked on the journey!

~ Neon

 

[Aeroil]

I've read this forum for a long time and always been interested in being a mistress.

Just recently I was chatting to a lad on the internet and then met up in real life and got on really well. We quickly found out we were into similar things sexually, but that neither of us wanted a relationship, and i dont feel comfortable having "friends with benefits."
We didn't see each other for a while, then tonight we spoke on msn and he offered to model for an obscure photograhy project Im doing (basically about men dressed as women.)
We carried on the conversation and it all came out about how Im dominant and hes very submissive. He then asked if Id like to be his mistress.

We spoke about what we both wanted to get out of it, what either of us wouldn't feel comfortable doing and a little about what the boundaires are.

I love the idea of it but I'm a bit lost about how to proceed with it all. Also, is it acceptable to have someone as a slave, but not any other form of relationships (such as boyfriend or even friend.)

I'd love some advice or people's experiences of starting out and what to do/not do, it would all be very helpful.

Thanks

"Acceptable"? To whom?

Generally, society would frown on the idea of owning a slave in the first place.... if *you* think it's acceptable, go for it.

 

[neonflux]

Is there a misunderstanding as to word use?

Angel, am wondering what you meant by the term slave? Is this a word you meant to use? It usually denotes a contractual relationship in which the sub is bound to obey the Domme even when not engaged in play and usually includes concrete rules, expectations, standards, etc. Many Dommes go by the term Mistress without "owning" a sub as a slave.

Regarding the idea of Mistress/slave, while not for me at all - I value switching, enjoy a fluid give and take of power, and don't want to take on such responsibility 24/7 - I do know some very ethical and well-grounded Dom/mes who have contractual slaves, and the slaves also desire, enjoy and grow in this type of relationship...

~ Neon

 

[onyxvixen]

If this is to be purely a sexual relationship then I would assume that no 24/7 contract would be in place. These two people wish to make no form of committment to one another, they're just using each other for guinuea pigs. There's nothing wrong with that.

You do need to establish that what your 'lad' wants to get out of his submission correlates with what you enjoy doing by way of dominance. Get his perspectives on control, humiliation, service, worship, pain, punishment etc. You say that you've discussed this a little already, all well and good. Make sure you know what his current boundaries are and agree a safeword.

There are loads of ideas in the BDSM stories section, get your lad to pick out some ones he likes and do the same yourself, then compare notes.

As Mistress, you can get your lad to do the legwork for you. Instruct him to write out his fantasies and what he wishes to offer you by way of service, what it would mean to him. You can then work from there to try out things that turn both of you on and establish a dynamic. After that it'll either start to fall into place or it'll become apparent that you're incompatible.

 

[infernal_contessa]

I've swung from submissive, to fully Domme, back to comfortably submissive, in the last few years.

As a Domme, I had a sub (I was never a mistress who owned a slave, as that's not my thing, and so my take is going to be somewhat short of what you're looking for), who I got along with enough to have coffee with once a week, but otherwise, I didn't talk to him, spend time with him, think about him. He was simply put, my sub. He knew he could expect nothing in the form of romantic love from me, and he was okay with that. I loved him, as in cared for him, I took care of him, I made sure he was always safe... but there was absolutely no romance, and not even a heck of a lot of friendship there.

It worked rather nicely, to be honest. We both understood the relationship.

Being a submissive, no, I could absolutely NOT give myself to someone in that sort of role. I would have to trust my Dom, and I couldn't do that without much time spent knowing him, getting to know him, communicating with him. Strange that I had a relationship like that as a Domme, but... I think it's all down to trust.

When I'm submitting, trust is all-important.

When someone is submitting to me, *I* know that they can trust me, because I know I'm a good Domme. Their trust in me is an incredible gift, and I don't mess around with that.

Hard to explain, I guess.