Spirit song: the elven wanderer finally has a home.

[DarkWarrioress]

“I didn’t say I was logical thinking that way, but that is one thing my anxiety does. I fight all the time against that. I was more just sharing what I deal with. I know well it’s not logical, but within my head its insidious.” He snorts, “That’s one reason that I keep most of that to myself because people think I don’t know those things. Like I know killing myself is wrong doesn’t stop the dark thoughts from coming in sometimes.” He chuckles a bit before smiling a little, “What is this zen you speak of?”

Pffft, I didn't say anything about logical, my friend and please don't think I'm criticizing you because, far from. I've dealt with what you're going through. I'd like to think I've come out the other side of it. *shrugs* At least, I hope so.

Zen. How do I explain Zen? Hm. Let's see. Zen is a state of calm focus so that you can be guided by your intuition rather than your conscious efforts. I guess that's the best way to describe it. You find this place inside of yourself that is peaceful and a centered state of mind. It takes a while to achieve it but so worth it.

 

[The_gladiator]

“I was somewhat kidding. Because zen is somewhere I can never find. I’ve meditated, I have searched for it. Nothing. Ah well, maybe it’s like those other places I can’t ever find like over there.” He smirks.

 

[The_gladiator]

He sat on the beach and let the tears take him. He had left his home to travel to the ocean, knowing that was a place of peace in his mind, it was always one place he always felt the life in the world. He didn’t know how everything had gone so wrong, why was some of this happening. He was sure that he was to blame, but he didn’t realize things had gotten so bad so off. He felt so alone when she withdrew like this. Was he so aweful, was everything they had so bad that it all needed taken away. Some hard harsh truths had been spoken. She could try to take some of them back but they were spoken, he couldn’t forget now. He just hoped he was strong enough to learn the needed lessons.

The elf rose and walked into the water. He let the waves pound against his naked form. He hoped it would wash away the pain and saddness. He knew it wouldn’t but at least it would distract him from the internal tides of emotion. He didn’t remember crying as much as he had in the last two days as he had in some time. The salt water lapped at him hiding the salt from the tears. He took a deep breath and just let the waves pound against him, he refused to go down, refused to let this end him, even if the darkness was trying. He just thought he was a better person than he felt now, he was sure of it. Reality was a bitter pill and now he didn’t know if he had any stability to cling to, his safe haven didn’t feel safe anymore. God he loved her, and just wanted it to be better again. He wanted her, needed her, he wanted things to go back to being ok. They might eventually, that was all he could hope for, could just try to be better. He hated this, hated that he in his real life lay awake in the iddle of the night unable to sleep because the emotions were just too much. So, he came here, in an atempt to sooth his soul with the familiar.

 

[LoganDarkHolme]

voices on the wind, songs of pain, of hurt, drew a shadow to part from the darkest edges of the forest, a flash of amber in the shadows eyes as moonlight cast over the dark form. Silent footsteps drew the shadow to the waters edge, the soft rustle of fabric as a long coat was shed and left on the banks, emotions swirling heavy on the wind came to him and he breathed in. He knew this pain, it was pain he once felt himself so long ago. watching as the waves lashed and collided against the elfs body, the soft splash as the shadow waded into the water, no words spoken, none needed to be spoken for their to be understanding, The wolf cared not as his clothing soaked and clung to him, he moved to the Elfs side, the glow of Amber eyes meeting the elves, then turned away as the wolf stood beside him, an arm coming around the elfs waist, he butted against the other mans shoulder in a very male greeting, before taking the elfs arm and lifting it over his own shoulder, and he stood there, as the waves crashed around them, offering his support, to hold the elf up, even if he felt he couldnt stand himself. His friend would know, he was not alone

 

[The_gladiator]

In the real world the tears pricked anew at his eyes even at his desk at work as the wolf joined him. In this realm the green of the elf’s true eyes, the eyes only one other had seen here shown, the elf didn’t have the ability to put the blue eyed shields in place. He slid his arm around the broad shoulders and sighed softly. His nudity did not matter in that point. Emotion was more important than anything so simple as modesty. He was too lost in thought in the emotions continued to flow through him. They had cooled over the hours and days, the immediate fear and certainty that she would leave that he had uterly failed replaced with that long term nagging fear that if not this time then would it be the next that sent things over the edge.

“She hasn’t left, but I really don’t think I’m the bad person I see reflected in her eyes.” His voice was horse from the emotions he had expressed for days. “She says I am a good person, yet other words she’s uttered puts the lie to that in my mind. I want to be better, to do better, fuck, I thought I was better than that. I just want to go back to 3 weeks ago when I was seen as a good husband. I can’t figure out how it changed so much so quickly.” He knew he shouldn’t say so much, expose so much but he needed the support needed to express it, it had stayed bottled up for too long already, it wasn’t in his nature to just stew on things, the emotions always found their way out. “It is always conflict with others that makes me feel like I’m going over the edge. It never seems to be anything else, doesn’t matter who it is, only for people will I get this worked up. I guess in a way it has to be because I care so much, especially about her. I worship the ground she walks on. She has changed my life and maybe I’ve leaned on that support, that love of hers too much. Anyone would burn out providing so much support I guess, I just didn’t realize.” He hung his head for a moment before lifting his eyes again. “I don’t see myself as selfish, I hate that I need so much so often, but I need to take more on myself. I’m not sure how but I have to figure it out unless I want more of this pain. Fuck reality hurts so much sometimes. We delude ourselves into thinking we’re such a good person, that we have good intensions that sometimes its difficult to understand how they could be taken so wrong, how we have so distorted the image we wanted to convey in translation that what we see in ourselves as good hurts others. I just want to hold her, I just want to cling to her cry it out, make love to her, know it’s going to be ok.’ He sighs and wipes his free hand over his face as if trying to wipe away the emotions. I want to apologize for dumping this all on you, but inkeeping with trying to end disordered thinking I will just say thank you for listening. You would not have come here if you were unwilling, I should not apologize for accepting comfort that was freely given.” His arm around the wolf gives another squeeze

 

[LoganDarkHolme]

his gaze remained towards the horizon, as the dawn began to break over the edge of the world. feeling his friend cling to him a bit tighter, accept the strength he offered freely, his ear twitched as Glad began to speak, to put voice to his fears, his hopes, and he listened, his head and gaze turning, giving his attention fully.

"You are a good man, Glad, ive known you, watched you, as ive watched others, your interactions, what ive heard from others, i know you struggle with medical issues and i admit i dont know all of them, but my own issues have shown me it can put a strain on any relationship, Ive only had 1 serious long term relationship, and it ended badly and we parted ways."

his gaze flicked out over the churning water as he fell silent for a moment

"i wouldnt begin to even speculate on your Mates train of thought, it wouldnt do her justice, or you for me to assume, My youngest cousin, who has also taken to the family business and become a trucker, married his woman just after he turned 20, got his CDL at 21, and was on the road for a month at a time. before coming home. She cheated on him, and supposedly, got pregnant by the other guy. She has a son from a prior relationship, but my cousin and her had a daughter together, when we asked him why he didnt divorce her, he said "Marriage wasnt meant to be easy, no matter what happens, you have to fight to make it work if you believe in it" and while our family shun's her now and tries to leave her out, I still make a point to interact with her, I dont like the fact she cheated, but she has never done wrong by her son, or their daughter, im the only one willing to try and give her a second chance, to show that she is the good person i know she can be if she keeps trying

canting his head to one side he met Glad's eyes, "when was the last time you had a date night? just the two of you on a quiet night? no worries, no talk of work, or bills, sat home and snuggled on the couch and enjoyed a movie? just, let yourselves be yourselves? gone out to a quiet dinner ? The old addage, The Road to Hell is paved with good intentions isnt so off the mark in some situations. that it can be hard to see the path forward through anothers eyes and consider others feelings when emotions are running high.

he gave Glad a return squeeze "you never have to apologize, even the strongest stone, can wear down over time, when constantly hammered and beaten by the elements. Failure, is not falling, my friend. It is refusing to get back up, and its never easy, so many times ive hit that ledge and pondered if i had the strength to go on.

he took a breath and let it out slow

Its stupid, but i once heard a quote from an Anime i watch, and i dont know why, but it stuck with me, "If the world has gone crazy, Then i will believe in Myself, and keep fighting" and i keep fighting, wanting to better myself, and better my world any way i can. Helping myself, or helping others, sometimes Self care can seem selfish, but if you cant care for yourself, its hard to care for others

"i dont know if anything i say or have said will help you my Elven brother, but im only a Howl away, i may suck at giving advice from time to time, but my hearing is sharp as a razor."

The edge of his lip twitched slightly into the briefest smile as he gave the elf a gentle shake "sometimes being able to put voice to your darkest thoughts, hearing them said out loud, whether to another, or to yourself can be enough to give the glint of a way forward, as i so often find myself saying "what the fuck" i dunno, helps me *he grins then*

 

[The_gladiator]

The elf considers a long time before he replies. He for once took in all the words without rushing to reply. They all touched him, all made him think. Though things seemed to have blown over in his real world the feelings still hovered there, just under the surface for this was the latest instance of this, not an isolated incident. “Nothing is ever easy I suppose, but especially marriage. You chose to dedicate yourself to one person and no matter what happens you still love them. That means through the good and bad. I saw a quote recently that marriage wasn’t beautiful, it was ugly, and a whole bunch of other things but despite its struggle that marriage is worth it and you wouldn’t walk that path with any other.” He shrugs. “Thank you for your ear and your words my friend. You gave advice that hit more truly than you realized, even if I didn’t reply when you wrote it, I read it and it helped.” He tried to find the words, “Some days it seems too hard to go on, but yes that is at the end of the day the purppose, is to get back up no matter how many times it knocks you down.”

He steered his wolven companion out of the waves, stopping to pick up his clothing along the way, pausing to step into the shorts, forgoing the shirt for now, prefering to let the rising sun dry his skin first. “Tell me of you old friend, are you well?”

 

[LoganDarkHolme]

His lips twitch as his friend speaks his truths, and his musings, able to find his own footing once more, "im glad my words were able to help, or at least give comfort, i dont always know what to say, but try to find wisdom from my own past misdeeds and mistakes to help others, and those mistakes have been numerous" he chuckled as they returned to shore, the squelch of water logged boots and the denim of his jeans clung to him as they made their way up the sand, dipping low to pick up his trench coat slinging it around his body an a graceful arc and lets it fall in place covering himself once more, while completely soaked, his Shifter body temp always ran warmer then human and he knew he'd be dry again before long,

"i am well, better then i have been in a long time, i fell ill at the beginning of the year and was hospitalized for over a week with a nasty infection and sepsis in my leg, and even with my shifter healing it was a struggle, but in all things i fought, hard, made some changes to my diet and overall daily living and activities and am finding my stride once more in life healthier for the most part then i was." he smiled, his gaze moved to the rising of the sun and he closed his eyes, the first rays of dawn warming his skin and he breathed in the mist of the morning air "i take life day by day, for tomorrow is never promised,"

 

[MsK2021]

The elf sat on the beach and let the tears take him.
The wolf went over with a heart, a tender loving heart.
It has a taste of true love. A taste of true life.

He said tomorrow is never promised.
It never came true. All we get is Here and Now. The ever lasting Here and Now.

Tears and sorrow come from wishing for a better tomorrow.
We don't need a promise.
Do you want somebody to give you a promise?

 

[The_gladiator]

The elf sat on the beach and let the tears take him.
The wolf went over with a heart, a tender loving heart.
It has a taste of true love. A taste of true life.

He said tomorrow is never promised.
It never came true. All we get is Here and Now. The ever lasting Here and Now.

Tears and sorrow come from wishing for a better tomorrow.
We don't need a promise.
Do you want somebody to give you a promise?

Promises of late in life seem to be fleeting at best. I put more faith in actions than words of late and found myself happier for it. It was not just the words of my wolven friend but the action of him offering comfort in my time of need. So though nothing in life is promised it is nice to have people remind you that you matter to them and you aren’t alone.

 

[The_gladiator]

Fleet elven footsteps carried him up a well worn path, overgrown, he noticed, for it had been ages since he had visited and nature sought to claim what men left abandoned. However at his frown the vines retreated, the few trees that had grown he simply walked around, he was not opposed to finding a new path.

He climbed the wooden steps up onto the porch that faced out over his river, waterfall softly pooring into the pool that was his home. He sat on the old porch swing. He wasn’t sure he would ever come here again, there were so many memories, and yet, he always returned, there was something here on lit and here in this place that fed something inside him. He curled one leg beneath him and used the other to push the swing back and forth. After a while he picked up the guitar that still sat beside the swing. He gave it a strum, and then frowned. The damned thing didn’t have enough respect to stay tuned. Perhaps he shouldn’t have niglected it so.
Humming softly he worked to right the instrument. Finally when he strummed a chord it sounded correct. “There,” he offered mock glaring at the instrument. He took a breath and began to play softly. It worked, though he couldn’t play it in his real world, his skill here had not faded, part of the magic of this place. The termoil of his real life was as rough as it ever was, and so he found his way here for an escape.

 

[LoganDarkHolme]

the darkness was comforting, the wolf growled as a sound on the wind roused him from his slumber, a sun warmed rock by the river, gave him peace enough in the silence he could rest. his ear flicked, grumbling as his eyes opened against his will as the sound of an instrument carried on the wind, along with a scent. familiar, Elf. Friend. the wolf rose slowly, a long stretch had several muscles popping, the burn of a good stretch soothing he shook out his fur and made his way into the shadows of the forest, following the melody of a guitar strum. it didn't take him long to follow the scent and sounds to the small cabin. coming to stop at the edge of the Woodline, the wolfs head cocking to one side, ears perked as he listened to the twanging of the strings. moving to the edge of the porch the wolf looked upon his friend, a huff of amusement as Glad glared at his guitar he sat on his haunches, listening

 

[The_gladiator]

Nothing passed him by in this setting,, his home told him of its visitor. He smiled, loyal wolf, guardian…friend. He’d known the wolf for many years now. Sometimes he felt like they didn’t know one another well, and other times they didn’t need to know every detail of each other’s lives to connect, there were times this wolf just got him. “Come from the shadows my friend, you are welcome here.” He offered.

His fingers idly strummed a blues riff, just keeping time, just keeping his hands busy. His feet were bare, the one on the ground curving his toes into the soft rug set before the swing, reveling in the feel of something he had lost in his real life, the simplicity of feeling grass or carpet under his feet.

 

[LoganDarkHolme]

“Come from the shadows my friend, you are welcome here.” He offered.

the wolfs tail swayed briefly as he approached the Elf's home, one step to the next a Dark myst swirled, obscuring the wolf from view, growing, lengthening, then in the next step, the man stepped from the cloud, a light smile curling the edge of his lips as he bowed his head in recognition "hello my friend" he spoke quietly, the thud of his boots nearly silent as he ascended the stairs and took a seat on a chair, reclining much as Glad was doing now, inhaling a breath he let it out as his body relaxed.

"how are you doin? its been a few months" he turns his head slightly his lip curled in a smile,

 

[The_gladiator]

“About s good as ever. Get to play D&D with a new group this weekend, excited for that. Mostly trying to ignore my health and how much it sucks. How are you?” He continues to strum softly as he returns Logan’s smile.

 

[LoganDarkHolme]

"probably about the same, i took some down time at work this week, get out on my motorcycle,"

he chuckles at the D&D comment

"its kinda funny, i havent done D&D since highschool, i was cleaning out my closet and i found my cache of dice that i had, and was contemplating finding a local D&D group here in town and getting back into it actually"

he frowns slightly and nods

"yea, i get the health issue, i was doing well for a while losing weight, but its slowly started to creep back up, Dr says my blood work and everything else is good, but" he shrugs

 

[The_gladiator]

He smiles, “Yes, I had actally never played tabletop before, just play by post in high school and afterward, but I’ve enjoyed it. New dm and group for this one so we will see how it goes. I’m finding it a fun reason to get together with people that has a structure as well with some of my health issues, having new avenues of hanging out is helpful as I don’t really like go to concerts anymore at the moment.”

He sighs, “Yeah, my health is mostly down, but functional, if that makes sense, like crappy but stable.”

 

[LoganDarkHolme]

"yea if you can find the right group it can be hella fun, a good reason to get out and be ......social....." he couldnt stop the growl in his voice at the word social but shrugged grinning wider

"im sorry your health is suffering, my friend, crappy but stable? crable?" he chuckles

 

[The_gladiator]

He laughs, “I think with that growl you’re an introvert my friend. I however am an extrovert and definitely miss social in my life.” He chuckles at the crable joke. “Crapable … ok maybe yours is better.” He smiles.

 

[LoganDarkHolme]

"introvert maybe, i just have a low tolerance for stupid and people missing critical thinking skills and its ever so much in OVER abundance these last few years"

 

[The_gladiator]

“I hear you on that. Like, covid broke something in me. I am still an extrovert, but I don’t have the tolerance for bullshit or discomfort I once did. I could let so many more things roll off my back before, now people’s dumb shit pisses me off. I’m turning into that get off my lawn guy.”

 

[LoganDarkHolme]

*he nods then laughs* "GOD DAMN KIDS GET OFF MY LAWN!!!" *shakes his fist in fake anger then bursts out laughing*
yea, i have that some days too, being a trucker Covid really hit me hard, a lot of the truck stops and customers i delivered too, stopped allowing us access to bathrooms, restaurants shut down, hot food on the road really became hard to come by, i have a microwave in my truck, but even frozen meals and cold case heat and eat became really unappealing. you can only survive off SpaghettiOs, Ramen and ravioli for so long"

 

[The_gladiator]

“That makes sense, and when you did see people everyone was in a mask and you couldn’t understand them. I hope the measures helped but I honestly think covid toook away a little of my sanity and not sure I’ll ever find that piece again. Not like I’m crazy but that years worth of practice putting up with things.”

 

[LoganDarkHolme]

the only good thing that came outta Covid as far as im concerned was absolutely no traffic on the highways, i made such good time between runs LOL

 

[The_gladiator]

“I like that it’s kind of acceptable to not have to shake someone’s hand every time you see them. It was always the ones who wore the most aftershave or perfume that wanted to also.”