spine --- feedback encouraged

[mischievousgrin]

By all means -- criticize, deconstruct, nitpick.



I gave an obvious response --
the nape of the neck.
The true answer, I kept to myself:
It was her spine,
the way I imagined it flexed,
the curvature only revealed
to a few lucky x-ray technicians.

 

[PatCarrington]

By all means -- criticize, deconstruct, nitpick.



I gave an obvious response --
the nape of the neck.
The true answer, I kept to myself:
It was her spine,
the way I imagined it flexed,
the curvature only revealed
to a few lucky x-ray technicians.

i do not find this as compelling as the other two poems i mentioned in your first thread, though your phrasing is just as well-considered.

to me, there is nothing striking here. and the last line especially does nothing for me.

i think it's more of a fun poetic ditty than the others.

 

[twelveoone]

as said in the comment, I'm lost, if no one else comes up , please explain.

 

[WickedEve]

mischievousgrin, I was totally digging it until the last line.

 

[Guest]

Ha. I'm the polar opposite of everyone's input. Don't change that last line; the quirky wit of it is what I enjoyed most.

 

[WickedEve]

Ha. I'm the polar opposite of everyone's input. Don't change that last line; the quirky wit of it is what I enjoyed most.

That's because you're a quirky man. I don't mind witty endings. But the poem was building into his lovely erotic thingy, and then suddenly... humor.

 

[Angeline]

mischievousgrin, I was totally digging it until the last line.

Yeah that was my reaction--I wanted more, there seemed to be a story about to unfold, but the humorous O Henry ending wasn't where I wanted it to go...just my opinion.

 

[annaswirls]

By all means -- criticize, deconstruct, nitpick.



I gave an obvious response --
the nape of the neck.
The true answer, I kept to myself:
It was her spine,
the way I imagined it flexed,
the curvature only revealed
to a few lucky x-ray technicians.

I think I gave a warm and fuzzy comment on this poem already, so keep in mind I like this poem and am just giving some ideas I might argue AGAINST tomorrow.

I spent the day outside in deer country and just found a tick crawling up my leg, so I am in the mood for pickin' nits. Here we go.

By all means -- criticize, deconstruct, nitpick.



I gave an obvious response --
the nape of the neck. consider italicizing, the poem seems to reflect a conversation the writer is having now, and the answer is in the past... it might set it off nicely. Or maybe it is perfect as is. I love italics.
The true answer, I kept to myself:Line three, "answer" is not needed, as it is implied following the "response" already giving the feel of some sort of interview/third degree etc.
The truth I kept to myself.
It was her spine,
the way I imagined it flexed, I don't think a spine can flex. I am not being a smart ass. Do you mean how you imagine it when flexed?
the curvature only revealed
to a few lucky x-ray technicians.








I don't mind the x-ray technicians, but I wanted something a little more about them, or for it to be just one.

With the rest of the poem, I got clear images in my mind, but the technicians fell flat. I think they should still be there, just give me a little more to go on. It is too easy.

"few lucky" does not do it for me.

maybe

to a fortunate x-ray technician
as he ____
or
who___

or

to the x-ray technicians
who (whatever it was they did instead of appreciate the view, etc.)


I like the idea that the character in the poem most admires about this woman is hidden. Women are damn mysteries, hmm? Just don't go cutting her up to be able to see what you most desire. Reminds me of Nathanial Hawthorne's Birthmark, except completely different



okay now I feel all creepy and now must go convince my husband to check me head to toe removing any little blood sucking arachnids.

~anna

 

[twelveoone]

That's because you're a quirky man. I don't mind witty endings. But the poem was building into his lovely erotic thingy, and then suddenly... humor.

Oh since when is humor a dirty word with you? Ms. Gahan Wilson, Ms. Gary Larson?

 

[WickedEve]

Oh since when is humor a dirty word with you? Ms. Gahan Wilson, Ms. Gary Larson?

Your av is exciting and unnerving. Don't talk to me until you change it to a hamster.

 

[mischievousgrin]

I can honestly say I did not mean for the last line to be humorous and had no idea people would react to it in that way.

Now isn't that funny!

Anna, I think you are totally correct regarding true answer/truth. Scans much better your way. Also, i'm going to do some serious mulling over your comments on the last line.

MULL. MULLING. hmm, Ive just decided I don't like this word for some reason.

 

[WickedEve]

Maybe this will make it sound less "funny."

I gave an obvious response --
the nape of the neck.
The true answer, I kept to myself:
It was her spine,
the way I imagined it flexed,
the curvature only revealed
to an x-ray.