Sooo advice for a newbie

[sweetpiv]

Ok this is one of my first posts. And it's likely to be a very long rambled post.

So I have been married for 12 years (next month) and we have three children. The kids are older and I'm finally sleeping. No more diapers or nursing. I have found that my sex drive has amped way way up. Ok Let me back up.

I have always been adventurous. But I have only been with my husband so anything I wanted to try he's always been up for. You should have seen his face when I told him I wanted to try anal sex a few months after we wed. Then when I told him I thought I was bisexual he thought I was the coolest wife ever.

So about a year ago I asked him to tie me up. He drew the line. Hard. No Way was he going to take a chance hurting me. See I bruise easily. You can breath on me and I will bruise. And although he has a very dominating presence he isn't in the bedroom. You naturally assume he's the type of man to pin a woman up against a wall and ravish her. You couldn't be more wrong. So on top of it going against his very nature to hurt me, he just isn't kinky or dominating. You do not know the hoops I have jumped though just to get him to spank me.

So I want to be dominated, he says I just think I want to be dominated. But he also wants me to be happy. He suggested I find a Master for a one time see if you like it encounter.

I also want to be with another woman. I just want to strip her clothes off and do everything. Again he said he thinks I just think I want to be with another woman. Again he suggested that I find a willing woman who wants to be ravished. A one time encounter.

We have talked about both these scenarios for a year or more. And I want to dive in. But is this a Pandora's Box?

Also this imaginary Master, poor guy, he may be jumping into a minefield. I say that I'd like to be a sub. And in the bedroom I really think I do, but what if what I want leans more towards rough vanilla sex than anything else. I say I'm up for anything. Except canes, they scare me, and anything off the floor. I have a fear of falling anytime my feet leave the floor so ropes are out. And don't suck my toes unless you want to be kicked in the face. But other than that I think I'd be up for anything.... but having not ever been tied up or flogged how do I know what I really want???

And the whole submissive thing I can't quiet wrap my head around. Again I think I want to submit. But not fully. See I am the mother, I say what goes in this house, I'm in control of the money, I decide what's for dinner, I make the rules. And my husband just agrees. Case in point: I made a decision about our daughter and my husband said "so you didn't even want to run it by me?" "Nope, when you give birth to a 10 pound kid you get to decide her life, until then she's mine and you get to agree with me... I'm the mother." Um he eventually just gave up and let me have my way with her. Not very submissive. In fact I'm not submissive in the least bit outside of the bedroom. But when I climb between the sheets I want to be all "yes Sir whatever you want". And that just doesn't make sense to me.

So back to my first paragraph. My sex drive is amped way way way up. And I'm sooooo ready to dive right into these adventures. But I'm really apprehensive about doing all this stuff..... I'd like it better if my husband would just try to be a bit more kinky. He's digging in his heels, though. I suggested that we just have a MMF and a FFM threesome just to dip our toes in. Sometimes I can be rather smart and clever. He thought it was a great idea.... so now what? How does one go about finding a sexual partner?

This internet thing is great. I'm sure if I wanted to dip myself in jello I'd find a man who just happens to love jello dipped women. But he'd live halfway across the world. So how do I find just what I want, in my general area? And for the more seasoned among us, is this even a good idea? I could go on with my life never having been with a Master or ever having ravished another woman and I'd be just fine. But I think it's be fun, ya know?

So what do y'all think?

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[myinnerslut]

i dont have anything to add the cutiemouse hasnt already said, so im just seconding everything she posted.

 

[sweetpiv]

Thank you both.

Ok I want to clear up the whole mothering thing. I didn't intend for my comment to degrade him as a father. I'm a SAHM and therefore I naturally know more about my child than he does. I'm with her all day long, he is not. Were he at home and I at work I would stand by his parenting decisions. I in no way intended to mean that because I birthed my child she was more mine than his.

I really don't think it is about him being more assertive and that would fix everything. I have experimented alone. I have flogged myself and I gather that it isn't the same as having someone else flog you. He will not do it, AT ALL. I know where it comes from, so I'm ok with his refusal. He was raised by a very powerful single mother. He's 6'4 250 lb. He's got a deep voice and he's very intelligent. He's naturally intimidating. So his mother always cautioned him about his size and demeanor. And his mother drilled it into his head that women are cherished and nurtured and respected. So spanking me (or anything else for that matter) just feels *wrong* to him. I get that.

Oh and to answer your question, no I have only ever been with my husband. But I did kiss a woman once.... it was New Years and she said " Uh no one to kiss at midnight" so I oked it with DH and when the clock struck I kissed her, intending it to be a very light peck and well it was much much more. So know you know.

And really really what if this one time thing turns into something more? Has anyone ever opened a previously closed marriage on this board?

Oh and thank you for the book suggestions I'm going to read them.

Thank you for responding to my rather jumbled up post. I appreciate it.

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[SweetErika]

Ok this is one of my first posts. And it's likely to be a very long rambled post.

Welcome!

So about a year ago I asked him to tie me up. He drew the line. Hard. No Way was he going to take a chance hurting me. See I bruise easily. You can breath on me and I will bruise.

If hurting you is the concern, ask him to do some reading with you, just with the aim of learning (rather than making him comfortable with doing what you want). Cutie has suggested some great books; there's also a lot of info in the BDSM library and on other sites.

There are many ways to avoid bruises and other marks and injuries. One can be restrained with padded cuffs and enough slack in the rope so they control the pressure on the skin, for instance. Mental bondage can also be used: a Top can order the bottom to stay in place under threat of punishment, or do something like place coins between the fingers (or a quarter between the bottom's nose and the wall) that the bottom must not drop during the activity. It's always prudent to learn about safety first, put measures in place in case problems arise, and tailor activities to meet our individual needs.

And although he has a very dominating presence he isn't in the bedroom. You naturally assume he's the type of man to pin a woman up against a wall and ravish her. You couldn't be more wrong. So on top of it going against his very nature to hurt me, he just isn't kinky or dominating.

This is common. Most of the male subs I've met are very dominant at work and in other areas of their life, for example. If I didn't know they were subs, I'd think they were Doms. Your guy just may not be in a place where he's aware of and/or ready to explore kink, dominant or submissive feelings.

So I want to be dominated, he says I just think I want to be dominated. But he also wants me to be happy. He suggested I find a Master for a one time see if you like it encounter.

Do you agree with his assessment that you just think you want to be dominated?

I'm with Cutie - have you talked about what's likely to happen if you have this "one time" experience (D/s or bi) and want more?

We have talked about both these scenarios for a year or more. And I want to dive in. But is this a Pandora's Box?

It can absolutely be a can of worms. If you've really thought and talked about all of the possible scenarios and problems that can arise, have agreements and plans in place, and a truly solid relationship, it generally works out. If any of those elements are missing or lacking, it can be disastrous.

And the whole submissive thing I can't quiet wrap my head around. Again I think I want to submit. But not fully.

There's no law against being clear on what you will and won't do, bottoming (which usually entails having more control, or only doing what you want), or only submitting in certain realms (e.g. sexually/in the bedroom). Figure out what you're comfortable with at the beginning, and find someone who will respect those limits.

See I am the mother, I say what goes in this house, I'm in control of the money, I decide what's for dinner, I make the rules. And my husband just agrees. Case in point: I made a decision about our daughter and my husband said "so you didn't even want to run it by me?" "Nope, when you give birth to a 10 pound kid you get to decide her life, until then she's mine and you get to agree with me... I'm the mother." Um he eventually just gave up and let me have my way with her. Not very submissive.

Out of curiosity, what's the point in your kids having another parent, if he has no say in how they're raised?

It sounds like he wanted to have input in this situation, and you didn't respect that when you pulled the "I gave birth" card. I'd suspect he holds some resentment over this kind of behavior, and in some people, that could have an impact on their desire to give and exchange power in other situations (e.g. their partner's desire to be dominated in the bedroom).

I'm not criticizing you or your relationship, but I can see where this type of situation could be indicative of some issues you two need to deal with. I'm getting the impression that you are at least a little resentful and dismissive of each other.

I'd feel dismissed, patronized, etc., if I expressed a desire and my partner said I only thought I wanted it; my partner wouldn't feel valued if I didn't involve him in joint ventures, like parenting decisions. That alone would create some resentment in each of us, and we wouldn't want to take that resentment into potentially volatile situations, like having sex/relationships with other people.

I suggested that we just have a MMF and a FFM threesome just to dip our toes in. Sometimes I can be rather smart and clever. He thought it was a great idea.... so now what? How does one go about finding a sexual partner?

Realistically, you're likely going to have a much easier time finding a female partner for a solo encounter than one who's willing to let your hubby watch or participate. Your best bet for a FFM is probably going to be getting into the swinging community, but you'll have better luck with that if you're open to letting her partner watch/participate in some way as well.

It's a lot easier to find a male who's willing to join you as a couple, dominate you while your hubby watches, coordinate with your hubby to give you a great experience, etc.

You and your guy need to talk about what you'll do if one or both of you has emotional issues during the threesome. Can he handle seeing you with another man? Is there anything he has a reaction to when he thinks about it? What will you do if a problem arises during the threesome? Will you have a signal, stop everything for the evening, stop and talk about it as a couple or group, keep going, etc.?

This internet thing is great. I'm sure if I wanted to dip myself in jello I'd find a man who just happens to love jello dipped women. But he'd live halfway across the world. So how do I find just what I want, in my general area? And for the more seasoned among us, is this even a good idea?

I use sites like CollarMe, Craigslist (there's a woman4woman section) and OKCupid to meet women and subs. You might also consider going to the nearest munch or lifestyle group meeting to see if you can get to know people and learn in a non-threatening environment.

If you're interested in meeting swingers, check out SwingLifestyle and maybe your local groups/events. Don't let anyone convince you that safer sex practices are unnecessary, or that it's somehow safer to have sex with people who have a lot of partners because they're more likely to get tested.

Be prepared to meet quite a few duds before you find someone who's a good match. If you meet enough people, you WILL find the right ones for you. It just takes patience and fortitude. Use common sense in meeting people, don't play until you've negotiated and are comfortable (if they're not willing to meet in a neutral setting as many times as you need to feel good, give their personal info, etc., they're not for you), and always, ALWAYS watch for red flags and trust your instincts.

 

[ecstaticsub]

Hi and welcome...I am one of the submissives here who has both a vanilla husband and a Dominant. I have to run off to an appointment but I'll be back later. Meanwhile, there is a thread I started a while ago about extramarital D/s relationships that you may find helpful.link

 

[Netzach]

Um I really hate to say this, but there's nothing in your post that suggests to me you might actually be submissive in bed or out of it. You want done. You want to experience hot powerful ravishing things, but you don't mention wanting to please your partner, not even to the degree where any disagreements seem to work in his favor. You want an opportunity to lose control. I can't blame you one bit - those are FINE things to want!

You are also curious about women, somewhat.

I'm no longer in the profession, but seriously have you ever considered hiring a professional Dominant woman? Sex would not be in the equation, but you'd get a sexy, sensual experience with another woman, helplessness and restraint and toys, and a chance to see what you like and don't like. Then you could be done or not with it, and chart your interest in exploring further or not.

Two birds, one stone, your burger your way, and no mess.

 

[bigdaddy353]

more books

Thank you both.

Ok I want to clear up the whole mothering thing. I didn't intend for my comment to degrade him as a father. I'm a SAHM and therefore I naturally know more about my child than he does. I'm with her all day long, he is not. Were he at home and I at work I would stand by his parenting decisions. I in no way intended to mean that because I birthed my child she was more mine than his.

I really don't think it is about him being more assertive and that would fix everything. I have experimented alone. I have flogged myself and I gather that it isn't the same as having someone else flog you. He will not do it, AT ALL. I know where it comes from, so I'm ok with his refusal. He was raised by a very powerful single mother. He's 6'4 250 lb. He's got a deep voice and he's very intelligent. He's naturally intimidating. So his mother always cautioned him about his size and demeanor. And his mother drilled it into his head that women are cherished and nurtured and respected. So spanking me (or anything else for that matter) just feels *wrong* to him. I get that.

Oh and to answer your question, no I have only ever been with my husband. But I did kiss a woman once.... it was New Years and she said " Uh no one to kiss at midnight" so I oked it with DH and when the clock struck I kissed her, intending it to be a very light peck and well it was much much more. So know you know.

And really really what if this one time thing turns into something more? Has anyone ever opened a previously closed marriage on this board?

Oh and thank you for the book suggestions I'm going to read them.

Thank you for responding to my rather jumbled up post. I appreciate it.

You might also try screw the roses give me the thorns great D/S book ....DADDY

 

[sweetpiv]

Ok Ok To clear things up.

My 9 year old daughter has always had a problem focusing. Initially we thought it was tied in with a lack of maturity. Several teachers have hinted at ADD. She repeated the first grade. Once ADD was mentioned my DH flat out refused to even hear of it. He has said *for FOUR years* that she just needs to learn how to focus. I'm open to tutoring and letting her learn in any way possible. I'm also open to meds. We have went back and forth on this issue. Finally after her latest test folder I have set up appointments with the appropriate people to help my daughter learn and focus. Her self esteem is very low because she thinks she's dumb. After she cried handing me the folder saying "I really tried, why am I so dumb" it broke my heart and I set the ball in motion. DH came home from work and I told him I have given consent to have her tested. His comment to me was "Without my permission?" I said "We tried it your way for four years." And an argument ensued. That is when I put my foot down and said the whole giving birth thing. Ok So He still doesn't agree with me, but I'm done watching our daughter struggle. In absolutely every thing else we have totally agreed on everything from the beginning. Oh wait, we argued over when to take the oldest off the pacifier. Seriously two parental fights in 10 years. Resentment just is not an issue at all. Parental or sexual.

And I didn't get personal before but I guess I should have. I have this very deep desire to please my husband. I always have. From the very beginning but him being very laid back in the bedroom I would assert myself and take charge every once in a while. Our conversation goes a bit like this during a make out:
me:What do you want me to do?
Him: Whatever you want.
me: Where do you want to cum?
Him: Wherever you want.

See? That gets us nowhere. It's like asking what you want for dinner. I don't know what do you want for dinner.

So you can't really be submissive with someone who isn't willing to be dominate. But I guess I should have been more detailed in my original post. I am (or at least I try to be) submissive in the bedroom. The aspect of doing *anything* to please a man is more alluring than the actual act. If a dominating man said to me "I want you to pat your head and rub your belly" then that would make me happy to do it, even though it isn't necessarily something I find sexy. Making him happy would make me happy.

Ok I must go make dinner and I will check back in tomorrow.

 

[nh23]

I'm another one of the subbies that has a husband and a Dom. My husband and I have been together for 11 years. We have been poly for the last 2 or so. My husband understands my needs and encourages me to have a Dominant in my life. He is also free to see anyone he wants.

Ok..I'm going to give you a warning. Having a poly relationship takes a very strong marriage, and a lot of maturity. You have to be able to emotionally handle watching your husband with his hands on another woman and vice versa. It may sound good in theory and then be totally different when it happens. So if you go the threesome route be prepared for that. A good place to find other couples or singles in the swinging lifestyle is swinglifestyle.com or sls.

Cutie had some great advice especially with the books she recommended, so no need to add there.

As far as knowing if your being bisexual or submissive is just a fantasy or not..I can't really say. I know for me I am both. They are desires that have been in me for as long as I can remember. And the first time I was with a woman, or the first time I met my first Dom..it just felt like home you know? There was no discomfort, or thinking what am I getting myself into..it was just this is me. I recommend a lot of research first, but the only way to really know is to try it.

With your husband not wanting to take on a Dominant role. Mine is the same way. I am his "princess" he just can't bring himself to do it. He told me once he maybe could take on the role of a Top with someone else, but he just couldn't do it for me. I accept that. He allows me seek what I need elsewhere and it works for us both.

I also make all of the decisions in my household.

I hope some of this helps..feel free to ask any other questions you have.

 

[BiBunny]

Like nh said, poly requires way more maturity and effort than most people have or are willing to put forth. I could go on and on about this, but I won't.

There's also a big difference between bottoming and submitting. Do some research and decide which one it is that you really want. Neither is better or worse than the other, but they're different.

Lastly, most bisexual women don't particularly care for being an experiment for straight women, or for straight women and their partners. If you don't have anything to offer either a dominant or another woman other than "Well, I just wanna get my rocks off," you should probably do a lot more thinking about this before you leap into it, or you're not going to get very far.

 

[EmpressFi]

I am a submissive. My Master is not my husband... who is 6'2", big guy and to look at his AV you would think he was a dominant... but he's not.. intimidating and dominant arent always the same thing...

My husband and I became polyamorous about 2 years ago.. almost 3.. my first lover, was just that, a lover.. and while it didnt last very long..we're still good friends. I've wanted to be a submissive, to be dominated and to please the one I serve for a while now.. and Master and I have been together a year.

I would agree to read the Ethical Slut.. it did open my eyes to many things about being poly...

Like Netz, I'm not sure if you want to be a submissive or want the steamy, passionate ravaging.

 

[SweetErika]

Lastly, most bisexual women don't particularly care for being an experiment for straight women, or for straight women and their partners. If you don't have anything to offer either a dominant or another woman other than "Well, I just wanna get my rocks off," you should probably do a lot more thinking about this before you leap into it, or you're not going to get very far.

Good point, Bunny.

I'm not sure I got the impression that the OP was all that unsure on the bi thing (to me, it sounds like she's been thinking about it for a long time and it felt good to kiss another woman, and her hubby's the one that's really unsure), but I definitely avoid the 'I want you to please me so I can see if I might like women' chicks when browsing personals or whatever. I don't mind inexperienced women (or subs, for that matter), provided they're looking for the same thing and have really put some thought into it for quite sometime. Everyone has to start somewhere, right?

From what I can tell, there are MANY women who are inexperienced and really want to see what their feelings of excitement toward other women is all about. I don't think it'd be too difficult for someone to find another woman for a casual experience, regardless of whether they think they're bi, or just curious. I can see where two uncertain newbies could be a good match, even, provided someone gets things started. It seems the real difficulty comes in when curious/unsure women don't want a mutual experience, try to hook up with those who have a very clear idea of what they want, or women who aren't okay with their female partner having a boyfriend/husband.

 

[FurryFury]

Yes, IMO, this is a can of worms. For your husband to even suggest you "try" these things out, makes me think he either really hasn't thought this through or is super submissive to you.

I think it's rare when your partner can handle you being with others. I suspect it is most likely to lead to a whole lot of problems in your relationship.

Though I too would like both of the things you mention wanting, I could never put my marriage in jeopardy or hurt my husband that way.

Maybe you should refocus on the relationship instead of your wishes. Seriously the more you focus on what you want and not on the relationship the more shaky your relationship is likely to get.

There is nothing wrong with wanting the things you want. However, you should decide what if anything you are willing to give up for it.

I think some Dom/mes and Bisexual or Lesbian women might well be up for it.

I mean if bi curious people never found someone who was willing, how would they find out and learn?

How many Dom/mes do we see on here and in local scenes that don't mind and in fact, enjoy "playing" with newbies?

I think it's doable as far as finding people out there. I just don't think it's all that wise for your relationship.

*shrug*

Also, I don't usually disagree with Cutiemouse but I must say, I absolutely believe that on average a greater percentage of females are better parents than males.

I am so glad my husband was able to let me take the lead in that area because I know the kids have been raised better than if he had run the show.

Not that he's been excluded mind you but his first reaction to anything going wrong is to attack at least verbally if not physically. There is/was a great deal of blaming in his experiences of being raised. He tends to bring that to the table.

He also thinks the kids have been raised far better than he would have known how to do without my taking the lead.

But that is a specific example close to my heart. In a larger view, from my own observations there are very few fathers that take the time and effort to truly parent, much less parent well.

I know of only a handful of situations in which the father is or would be, a better parent. (Assuming they couldn't work together and you had to pick one) Usually the term "better" is all too pathetically relative in those cases.

Part of the reason for this is societal. Part of it is choice and lack of education in the area of child rearing.

I'm going to try not to get all caught up in a debate about this but suffice it to say, I think women are usually better parents. It's not out of the realm of possibilities that is partly because they do carry the child in their bodies, and feed it from their bodies in many cases.

All that, helps create bonding which many men never feel until the child is much older. It takes quite a while for many men to see a child as an individual and separate from the mother. I say all this from my direct experiences as a child, mother and observer of those around me.

 

[BiBunny]

I mean if bi curious people never found someone who was willing, how would they find out and learn?

It's one thing to try things out with someone you click with. But I can tell you, as a bisexual woman, I get so many messages on websites that say, "I've never been with a woman, and I want to try it out," or, "My husband/wife and I want to try a threesome." There's no thought given whatsoever to what I might want or why I would want to be involved with something like that. I just happen to have the requisite plumbing and like girls. There's nothing flattering about that at all. It's damned insulting, really.

 

[FurryFury]

It's one thing to try things out with someone you click with. But I can tell you, as a bisexual woman, I get so many messages on websites that say, "I've never been with a woman, and I want to try it out," or, "My husband/wife and I want to try a threesome." There's no thought given whatsoever to what I might want or why I would want to be involved with something like that. I just happen to have the requisite plumbing and like girls. There's nothing flattering about that at all. It's damned insulting, really.

I can totally understand that.

Things should be handled much more hands on and with respect, caring and so on IMO.

For instance, if I were to go there it would probably be with one of my best friends. We've talked about it. The attraction is there. We just don't want to fuck up our marriages.

LOL.

 

[BiBunny]

I can totally understand that.

Things should be handled much more hands on and with respect, caring and so on IMO.

For instance, if I were to go there it would probably be with one of my best friends. We've talked about it. The attraction is there. We just don't want to fuck up our marriages.

LOL.

See, that's totally different than approaching random strangers and saying, "Wanna fuck?" LOL.

 

[FurryFury]

See, that's totally different than approaching random strangers and saying, "Wanna fuck?" LOL.

*nods*

Absolutely.

OTOH, I'm pretty confident I could score that way too.

*chuckles*

 

[BiBunny]

*nods*

Absolutely.

OTOH, I'm pretty confident I could score that way too.

*chuckles*

Some people can with me, too, but very few have the panache to pull it off.

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[FurryFury]

[hijack]

I'm not saying that I think men and women are equally good at parenting, or that men are better at it... men and women simply parent differently, and I'm [particularly] sensitive to that being respected, given that my ex-husband is the one raising our children.

There are times he and I disagreed (and still do) with how to manage the kids, but *I personally* don't feel that having given birth means I get to trump his decisions. When I was the SAHM/primary educator? Hell yes I had final say, and I had the reserach to back up my decisions when he couldn't see my viewpoint.

Now that he's primary parent he makes about 95% of the decisions regarding the children, because he's been in the trenches for the last few years and understands day to day operations in a way I no longer do. the shoe's on the other foot now, and I try to give him the same respect I wanted to get when I was in charge of the kids. He still respects (and asks) for my input because I'm a damn good mom, but he gets final say, because he's the primary parent... even when he makes me twitch because there isn't a single freaking vegetable in the entire house.

Apologies for the hijack...

[/hijack]

That makes total sense to me. I get where you are coming from.

 

[Netzach]

Like nh said, poly requires way more maturity and effort than most people have or are willing to put forth. I could go on and on about this, but I won't.

There's also a big difference between bottoming and submitting. Do some research and decide which one it is that you really want. Neither is better or worse than the other, but they're different.

Lastly, most bisexual women don't particularly care for being an experiment for straight women, or for straight women and their partners. If you don't have anything to offer either a dominant or another woman other than "Well, I just wanna get my rocks off," you should probably do a lot more thinking about this before you leap into it, or you're not going to get very far.

Or as I said, pay.

Which I guess isn't very popular, but honestly, I think I'd pay for the thrill of an experience that hits my hot buttons and doesn't throw rocks in my marriage and universe.

 

[Netzach]

See, that's totally different than approaching random strangers and saying, "Wanna fuck?" LOL.

Wanna fuck would be sooooo much better than "I've always been curious about what it would be like, can you show me soft girly sex master really wants me to experience the softness of a woman."

"Wanna fuck?" would at least get my attention.

 

[BiBunny]

Wanna fuck would be sooooo much better than "I've always been curious about what it would be like, can you show me soft girly sex master really wants me to experience the softness of a woman."

"Wanna fuck?" would at least get my attention.

Oh, yeah, I almost mentioned the "softness of a woman" thing. That's gotta be the most vomitrocious thing I've ever heard, especially since I'm a whole lot harder on girls than I am on boys.