Something missing......

[Jaenelle]

In this poem that im writing there is something missing and I cant put my finger on it. Would like some feedback if anyone has time.

Title: Till Dawn

Caress me softly
Although you may think it a sin
But....could I be your forbidden fruit
or your glass of wine
under the moon lit sky.

When the stars are bright
and the moon is full
Caress me softly
whisper sweet nothings
in my ear.

When dawn approaches
I will still be there
to caress softly and
whisper sweet nothings too.

 

[_Land]

In this poem that im writing there is something missing and I cant put my finger on it. Would like some feedback if anyone has time.

Title: Till Dawn

Caress me softly
Although you may think it a sin
But....could I be your forbidden fruit
or your glass of wine
under the moon lit sky.

When the stars are bright
and the moon is full
Caress me softly
whisper sweet nothings
in my ear.

When dawn approaches
I will still be there
to caress softly and
whisper sweet nothings too.

It seems to me that betwen the first and second stanza you need a tie in. something that leads me to whispering in your ear, and what happens between the sweet nothings and the dawn?

 

[WickedEve]

A poem can be revised numerous times to get it the way you want it. You can start out with a revision like this:

Though you may think it a sin,
let me be your forbidden fruit,
your glass of wine under moon lit sky
where stars are bright and caresses soft.

Whisper sweet nothings
as dawn approaches,
for I will still be there.


Then you can change it some more:

Let me be your sin,
your fruit, your wine.
Drink me deep
beneath lunar glow.
Taste me forbidden
with soft caress
and whispers sweet.
And as dawn approaches
I will still be there.

These are just some quick examples of some of the different ways you can edit your poem. And I agree with _land. It may help to have something more before you get to the approaching dawn. Or the way I wrote it above, maybe more after the approaching dawn...

 

[Jaenelle]

Land and Eve, Thank you both you helped a lot and now I have some new ideas.

Just what I needed.

Eve, Thanks for the examples, they helped a bunch.

 

[JUDO]

I like WE's polish. Very nice, short poem.


- Judo