something I jotted in my journal yesterday, what think U?

[AuroraDreams]

We just had our first spring rain. I sit at the table and look out the window, and notice for the first time how the light rain does not just completely soak my tree, instead, it leaves intricate patterns along it, still leaving some parts untouched and seemingly uneffected. Yet, I can't help but to think that although untouched, they must still benefit from the soft presence of moisture elsewhere.
Soon the flowers on this tree will be in full bloom.
I never saw it before, but a tree is very much like a woman. The rain, her lover.

 

[damppanties]

Hey! That's really nice. You can't go around saying you're not good enough now.

 

[ABSTRUSE]

Lovely, you're very observant which is good. Journals are a great way of jotting notes and thoughts for later times. Keep writing!!
~A~ token smartass

 

[AuroraDreams]

Thankyou both.
I don't have much samples to offer up right now, so this is what I had, and thought I should offer up something.

 

[minsue]

I like it. Especially the last line.

 

[AuroraDreams]

I like it. Especially the last line.

Thanks

 

[AuroraDreams]

I wish that at this moment I had more to get critique on, but I don't.

 

[SnoopDog]

I love it. Very nice. And I could really relate to it because I guess everybody knows moments like that.

Snoopy

 

[Guest]

Aurora, I know people are trying to be encouraging, but let me be the meanie (though I hope you won't really think that). Here’s my hopefully constructive criticism. I do understand this is a journal entry, but for public reading it could have used some finesse (a bit of work, the kind of thing you need to learn when self-editing).

You were observant and sensitive to a common show of nature. That’s the most important thing, and what appeals to everyone, but this passage is very awkward and inelegant.

The second sentence is complex and ungrammatical throughout. The “just” is wrong, I think you meant “does not merely soak”? After which, as is, you need a period or semi colon. “Instead” is too easy a word, overused. Try “rather”, or better yet—nothing, start with “It leaves”. But don’t use “it” after “along”—too difficult to know what “it” is as you began with an “it”. How about “It (at this point we still know it’s the rain) leaves intricate patterns along the surface of the branches, leaving some areas untouched, seemingly dry.” (If you use the word, it should be unaffected.)

“Yet, I can't help but to think that although untouched, they must still benefit from the soft presence of moisture elsewhere.”
You don’t need all the stipulative conjunctions and prepositions (this is where you learn to translate how you think or speak into writing, it takes practice). Simply start out “I can’t help but think” (no “to”). The sentence is very clumsy. Rather than fix it, here is something that reads better—
I can’t help but imagine that those untouched spaces must still benefit from the moisture nearby, the soft and various makup of a rain.

“I never saw it before, but a tree is very much like a woman. The rain, her lover.”
I’m sorry but this made me laugh, i.e, a tree is not like a woman literally, not by what’s missing in this sentence. I think you meant, “I never realized it before, but a tree in this scene might be compared to a woman—the rain, her lover.”

My alternatives might be written any number of ways, I mean them only as examples to illustrate my comments. I don’t know why—I rarely give this much time to someone I don’t know—but I felt like helping.

best to you, Perdita

 

[AuroraDreams]

Thankyou

I appreciate your critique. And saw many of the things you brought up.
It felt very akward to me.

I was pressed for time when I wrote this, I had three kids screaming and crying in the background, but I needed to make sure I got the moment. ya know.

I'll get to take a better look at it probably tomorrow during my break at work. I only get silence when I'm at work.

 

[Guest]

I only get silence when I'm at work.

I'm glad you took that well, I only meant to help. As for your situation, I recall it well when my sons were very young.

take care, Perdita

 

[gauchecritic]

I think Perdita covered most of it, and it's what a good editor does, if you think this is hard then you'll be crying when you receive a proper editing. Whatever you do, don't defend every single thing that your editor points out, because you will both be wasting your time then.

I agree that you have a nice way with words and can generate feeling, which is a difficult thing to achieve, what is awkward about your notes is mostly technical.

We just had our first spring rain. I sit at the table This is awkward and I'm not the expert on this but it looks like a switch of tense. Had is past and sit is present. Maybe that's just me and look out the window, and Two 'ands' in a row doesn't look good, it does read ok so maybe I'm nitpickingnotice for the first time how the light rain does not just this just is technically correct for me, but is does seem to jar in reading, maybe leave out the following word completely soak my tree, instead, it leaves intricate patterns along it, still leaving leave and leaving in same sentence. Maybe weaves intricate patterns?some parts untouched and seemingly uneffected. Yet, I can't help but to think that although untouched, theycan't remember if Perdita noted this, 'they' refers to a single thing in the previous sentence which held at least 3 objects 'tree', 'patterns' and 'parts' must still benefit from the soft presencesoft presence is v.good of moisture elsewhere.where? in the bark? the surrounding moisture, across the street in a bucket?
Soon the flowers on this tree will be in full bloom.
I never saw it before, but a tree is very much like a woman. The rain, her lover. In order to keep the simile I'd write "I never saw it before but I can see that a rain caressed tree is very much like a woman and her lover."

Which puts me very much in mind of Swiss Tony. Selling a car is very much like making love to a beautiful woman...

Gauche

Edited to add I just got the tree being in bloom and making it seem as though the rain is a lover that brings forth offspring. My bad

 

[AuroraDreams]

I can deal with mostly technical.

And I hope I didn't sound all defendy. I do that sometimes.

I wanted critisism, and I am glad to have recieved it.
If I didn't want it, Iwouldn't have asked what you think, I would've made this a
"Come praise my perfections with me, Worship me for I am great"
type post.
LOL
Now I am busy cracking myself up.

 

[AuroraDreams]

lil' p.s.
I'm currently working on the "tweaking"
right now.
I'm having so much fun with it.
One thing about being a Mom of three lil ones (4,2,7mo) your mind doesn't get its excercise like it needs.

 

[AuroraDreams]

I've tweaked a bit now, I still feel its unfinished.

Tell me if it got any better or worse.

I know, I lack confidence...



Our first spring rain, I sit now at the table, looking out the window, noting, perhaps for the first time how the light rain does not simply soak my tree. The rain, races intricate patterns along the much neglected bark, in effect, allowing the secret bends and curves in the trees limbs remain untouched and seemingly unaffected. I ponder if these delicate touches from the sky will do much for my tree, its vitality. And then, I know. I know that my trees secret part still benefit from the soft presence of moisture elsewhere.
Soon the flowers on my tree will be in full bloom.
Forever painted in my being, this tree as a woman. The rain, the carressing fingertips of her lover.

 

[gauchecritic]

Excellent Aurora. Loved it. A bit complex for some tastes I think. Did you note how much more sensual the passage has become, you managed to change the whole slant of the piece.

Curves, limbs, secret, all words which lend an eroticism to a tree of all things.

One thing. I would guard against writing in this fashion the whole way through a story. It's a good leaping off place.

Well done. Keep writing.

Gauche

 

[AuroraDreams]

Thankyou
I'm just noticing all the typo's though.
Ah well.
I'm splendiferically imperfect!

 

[Guest]

Aurora, Gauche says it for me too. Very well done and it shows. Yeah, I figured they were typos, no biggy. Yea for you!

Perdita

 

[AuroraDreams]

Typo's will happen
I'm not concerned.

I did notice that it became much more sensual.

I feel better about it now