Some random questions/thoughts

[MissTaken]

Do you find your interest and excitement for BDSM ebbs and flows?


It does for me.
Actually, the excitement of love and affection, the hope for a fulfilling long term relationship never goes away, but there are certainly times, that the thrill of BDSM falters.

So, another question. I am wondering if this happens because I spend so much time reading threads, posting to threads and discussing issues that are essentially intangibles.

Or, perhaps it is because anyone I am with , I am with them because I care about them, regardless of their sexual proclivity.

Or, perhaps it is simply that I am a single mom, working full time and there are times when BDSM loses it's importance and may even feel like another thing that I have to do.

I am not looking for hugs and solace, I am just wondering if any of you ever feel this way....does your interest wane from time to time?

 

[Pleasurekitten]

Good Morning Miss T

As i am still but a novice to BDSM, (in terms of now i have a name to put to my behaviour that has been present for years but not realising it had a name lol) i would have to say no, my interest doesn't wane, it has always been present in some form or another and has been something i really wanted to pursue. The interest never faltered but there was not always someone there to engage in it with. And as you know, i am now happily starting out on that journey.

However, i will say that, especially now, i have to prioritise my life and my responsibilites more and sometimes BDSM is not in the forefront of my mind when i am doing these things related to other parts of my life simply because there is no place for BDSM in those areas. Such as caring for children, studies, family get-togethers and such.

The odd thing is i notice now, more than ever, that certain words/actions that others say/do can be looked at with a BDSM slant and i have a little giggle to myself, especially ones from people who would be horrified if they knew what i was thinking of when they said those things.

i hope this is what you were looking for when you asked this question.......i can appreciate the many other facets of your life that might draw your interest away from BDSM momentarily.......but admit it.......you keep coming back right?

So i guess i'm saying, what you're feeling is pretty normal and i think, even if you lived it 24/7 there would be times when other activities in your life took precedence over BDSM.

 

[navarre]

Good thread MissT

I think that all of us go through cycles where our interest in BDSM waxes and wanes.
Be it due to jobs, family situations, illness, etc. we need to prioritize our lives and sometimes BDSM comes out at the bottom of the list.
Eventually we re-focus and are able to put BDSM in its proper perspective in our lives.

 

[Desdemona]

Miss T, for me, it waxes and wanes also for a variety of reasons. That said, I don't ever lose my interest in bdsm. Its placement on my priority list just changes occasionally.

Besides, as many have said, this is a journey. I just think of those times when bdsm isn't as important to me as little side trips from which I return refreshed and eager for more.

 

[lektra]

It wanes occasionally. Usually it happens with a cojoined lack of interest in sex. Scary, since I primarily consider myself a sexual being. I discovered that studying for comprehensive exams are bad for sex and bdsm.

 

[WynEternal]

For me, it fluxuates too. Right now, I'm in a blah mood. BDSM or submitting seems to furthest thoughts from my mind. Even topping has no appeal to me right now.

It has nothing to do with my sexuality, although that's also on the wane. But more like living vanilla has required me to supress it so much that sometimes, I wonder if I'd ever be able to grasp it again.

Thanks for letting me ramble some.

 

[zanna]

yes, it does fluctuate, with probably the largest influence being my PMDD. However, i lose interest in *everything* as a result of that, not just BDSM.

i am one of those people who absorbs the problems of those around me. i can not stand to see someone i love hurting, unhappy, or stressed. At the end of some days, i am exhausted as a result and i need to reenergize. i withdraw so deeply mentally and emotionally.

i find though that it is more my interest in the physical aspects that change, not in the emotionally owned aspects. i still want His collar around my neck as i sleep, His hand fisted in my hair on my pillow. i want to be owned, to be His. But a hard play session would be beyond me. Luckily, He understands this and allows me the space i need. However, sometimes that feeling of being so disconnected from Him makes me deeply sad, too. Those are usually the nights He will insist we curl up on the floor together and watch a movie quietly.

i think your reaction is quite a healthy one if i may be so bold.

i can not say i know what it is like to be a single Mom. Three nights out of every week, He is not home. After working all day, i have them all on my own from the moment i walk in the front door. it is exhausting, and that is only 3 nights. You have my admiration for what you do as a single Mom. That is not easy.

zanna

 

[SierraMoon]

i think it's normal for a person to have to put other things in their lives before BDSM... i mean, there are things more important at times than getting your rear reddened, or giving out assignments that you expect to have met. Dom/mes and subs alike have certain priorities in their lives that MUST come first. Be that children, a time consuming job, possibly a SO at home, or health issues.

BUT

i feel that if one is in a relationship, they owe it to the other person to be honest about what is going on with them, whether it be lack of interest, life hassles, or other pressing issues. It can be so hurtful to one when their BDSM partner acts like they have no interest in the power exchange anymore, and not understanding why. Another part of that is if it be a Dom/me that has a lack of interest at the time, is their sub supposed to continue to carry on in the relationship, with no guidance from the Dom/me? Is that fair? To be expected to still follow the rules that had been set up for them, even tho the Dom/me is disinterested?

 

[redelicious]

i think it's normal for a person to have to put other things in their lives before BDSM... i mean, there are things more important at times than getting your rear reddened, or giving out assignments that you expect to have met. Dom/mes and subs alike have certain priorities in their lives that MUST come first. Be that children, a time consuming job, possibly a SO at home, or health issues.

BUT

i feel that if one is in a relationship, they owe it to the other person to be honest about what is going on with them, whether it be lack of interest, life hassles, or other pressing issues. It can be so hurtful to one when their BDSM partner acts like they have no interest in the power exchange anymore, and not understanding why. Another part of that is if it be a Dom/me that has a lack of interest at the time, is their sub supposed to continue to carry on in the relationship, with no guidance from the Dom/me? Is that fair? To be expected to still follow the rules that had been set up for them, even tho the Dom/me is disinterested?

Obviously communication is the key in maintaining a D/s relationship in times of stress. Both partners have to be willing to put forth that effort or accept that the relationship will suffer.

I have been thinking a lot about what makes a power exchange. Lance defines it in his glossary as:

Power exchange: the consensual transfer of power by the submissive to the dominant. The exchange takes place when the returned energy from the dominant empowers the submissive

My point in posting that is if one partner loses interest or just can't, for whatever reason, continue their role in the relationship then the exchange doesn't exist (at least for that time period).

 

[Soron]

I see some good points being made here, and some not so good ones. Let me see if I can clear all this up without writing a freaking book.

Anyone who thinks they can live a D/s relationship 24/7 is obviously kidding themselves. It's great to think, that with some hard work and devotion you can live the perfect Master/submissive lifestyle all the time. Believe me children, it's not going to happen. Every day life for one, has to take priority. Your family and your work have to come first. The bottom line is, two people cannot give of themselves if they are too focused on other problems or situations which prevent you from practicing your lifestyle. Before you make that commitment, both Dominant and submissive need to sit down together and make sure what it is both are willing to give. Emotionally, practically, sexually, everything. And, then simply work towards that goal, TOGETHER.
There will be times when each partner is not focused on the BDSM side. It's human nature. There are times when you just don't have enough to give your all to the other.

However, that's where communication and honesty come into play. Hopefully, both parties have some understanding of the others needs and wants. How much effort does it take to tell a submissive that things at work are stressing you out and you need a break for a day or two, or a week even? Same goes for a submissive who may have more than they can handle with something outside D/s. That's when you need to be closest to each other as people, as friends, as simply two people who care about each other. Be open, be honest, with yourself and the other person. Or, get the hell out of the relationship. Sooner or later it will start to fester into other areas of your life together. Everyone has basic needs in any kind of relationship.

MissT, I hope I helped here. You can't expect to be 'on' all the time. But, if you are in a commited relationship with someone, they need to know how you feel. Maybe, they can even help.

 

[SierraMoon]

~snip~

However, that's where communication and honesty come into play. Hopefully, both parties have some understanding of the others needs and wants. How much effort does it take to tell a submissive that things at work are stressing you out and you need a break for a day or two, or a week even? Same goes for a submissive who may have more than they can handle with something outside D/s. That's when you need to be closest to each other as people, as friends, as simply two people who care about each other. Be open, be honest, with yourself and the other person. Or, get the hell out of the relationship. Sooner or later it will start to fester into other areas of your life together. Everyone has basic needs in any kind of relationship.

MissT, I hope I helped here. You can't expect to be 'on' all the time. But, if you are in a commited relationship with someone, they need to know how you feel. Maybe, they can even help.

Thank you Soron.. that's what i was trying to get across....

 

[ownedsubgal]

yes, my interest in and desire for bdsm definitely ebbs and flows...but as for D/s, that is a constant. bdsm is about activities, D/s is about personalities, being who you are, living true to yourself. i cannot function without D/s...it's me always...but bdsm, sometimes i need it, sometimes i don't.

 

[Shadowsdream]

Once again a question that will get many different takes.
Yes I ebb and flow..My interest can be WIPED out if I am pissed off..for about 30 minutes..unless I am sleeping and then it can last as long as 4 hours...(I don't sleep much).
My desire to play is affected by external pressures or illness and My ability to play is affected by the slaves work schedule some days.
BUT...I do live this lifestyle 24 hours of every day...each day of the year. My nature and the nature of the toy I have chosen both have a need for at the very least an undercurrent of D/s remains no matter the obstacles.
IF the slave is ill...My Domination becomes the *tool* that relieves his guilt in not being able to serve as usual.
IF I am ill...My Domination becomes the *tool* that commands him out of the home to give Me the alone time I crave.
IF he is having family stresses My Domination is the *tool* that holds him at My feet to discuss all of the realities and misconceptions he may be having until he has worked out his emotions about it.
...each obstacle becomes a piece of My responsibilty as his Mistress to address under the umbrella of My Domination.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Exhaustion

I find that if I am not feeling well, and am exhausted, I lose patience with the subs I may be interacting with. However, I find that stepping back for a day or two serves to recharge my batteries.

 

[zipman]

My interest definitely varies, usually due to stress and/or exhaustion.

I am in a bit of a lull right now, which is one reason I haven't been posting as much.

Although I always come back from these breaks with a vengence!

 

[D's mariposa]

bizzarrely enough, this sort of echoes a convo with D last night

Interesting thoughts, all.

Actually, D and I are in a 27/7, and it does work. What makes it work is flexibility. There are days when I am way submissive, and there are days when I have to work at it. There are days when I move between the two as the situation demands. A friend of mine who was a marine said once that one thing they learn is "fake it til you make it." and that works for me when I'm not into it.

The important thing to remember is that this happens on the other side of the power exchange too. Sometimes D is a fierce Dom, sometimes he's more of the mentor Dom. And theres the laid back, life is cool Dom side.

But back to Miss T's question. Yes, sometimes it ebbs. It's hard concentrate on a lovely flogging when I'm worried abouta more mundane thing.