Solo Play as Punishment...?

[NerdsMooGrrr]

Recently some thoughts have begun surfacing; introspection on why I have had less and less desire to take my pleasure into my own hands (quite literally...). I think that, especially while in the midst of an interaction or scene with her, that being dismissed -- told to go play by myself... has planted this feeling... this subliminal association within my mind.

In addition to resonance and rippling of past events playing on emotions and thought processes, there is also the desire to share my pleasure with her; let her experience what she does to me, the feelings, sensations... twisting, moaning, writhing... biting my lip in anticipation -- letting her relish and delight in my pleasure (or discomfort... as the case may be).

Furthermore... I cannot shake this almost condesending and definite coldness attached to it now; as if just ''getting off" was my only motivation... to think that she is not an integral part... that her thoughts, desires... will... and merely presence is pleasing to me on so many levels.

Coming back to the memories...? I cannot underscore enough the images of her getting frustrated; times when I could not do what was asked... or simply hesitated... or even at times defiance. Her ending the scene... telling me just to forget it; go take care of myself and then get back to her... and seeing her leave. These memories stir up feelings of insignificance... detatchment. Also... not quite apathy but, more indifference... like my wanting to please her didn't matter at all...

It kills me having to think that I've failed so utterly to drive her to that point...

I can't even begin to define how terrible I've felt at times like those... recalling myself begging and begging for her to say... only to be turned away.

Ultimately, however... I guess might not be punishment per say but... perhaps these thoughts may provide a better understanding behind my seemingly self inflicted restriction... and desires to play only with her -- just the previous night... I found myself achingly aroused... but harboring a deep desire to share that with her I accepted that it was not desired at that particular time...


Would love to hear others thoughts on something like this; anything from I am off my rocker to think masturbating is a punishment to "yea... I feel that way too sometimes", and anything in between and completely unrelated

Thank you!

 

[Mistress_Belladonna]

That is very touching, Nerds. The sense of being abandoned or told to just go away... it must be very hard to bear.

 

[NerdsMooGrrr]

That is very touching, Nerds. The sense of being abandoned or told to just go away... it must be very hard to bear.

Thank you for the comment... it's true in that it can be hard to bear and oft blurs the line between play and reality; I am fortunate however to have a very loving partner who cares deeply for me.


An interesting point has come up while discussing this as well - I am clearly not in a state of wanting to perform an act like this when I am asked to... it is almost like being bound, tied, and my actions forced merely with her words...

and at that point... I am glad for the opportunity to at least do something right and please her...

 

[Adakgirl]

What strikes me as strange is her getting frustrated when you are just unable to do as she asks you to do physically or getting frustrated at your occasional hesitation. I can see her calling off a scene if you openly defied her, but not because your inability to do something or your hesitation. As far as I know, it is rare for a Dominant to become frustrated during a scene. They usually maintain complete control over a scene and getting all frustrated to the point she sends you away or she walks out, is not maintaining control.

If you try to do something she wants you to do and find you just can't do it, at least you tried to please her and that effort to please her in my opinion should be enough. Not a punishable offense. If you are asked to do something and you hesitate before doing it, then in my opinion it is her place as your Dominant to find out why you are hesitating to carry out her wishes, find a solution to the problem rather than to abandon you or send you away.

 

[NerdsMooGrrr]

What strikes me as strange is her getting frustrated when you are just unable to do as she asks you to do physically or getting frustrated at your occasional hesitation. I can see her calling off a scene if you openly defied her, but not because your inability to do something or your hesitation. As far as I know, it is rare for a Dominant to become frustrated during a scene. They usually maintain complete control over a scene and getting all frustrated to the point she sends you away or she walks out, is not maintaining control.

If you try to do something she wants you to do and find you just can't do it, at least you tried to please her and that effort to please her in my opinion should be enough. Not a punishable offense. If you are asked to do something and you hesitate before doing it, then in my opinion it is her place as your Dominant to find out why you are hesitating to carry out her wishes, find a solution to the problem rather than to abandon you or send you away.

Most of the time when I truly try my hardest it is no issue; however when working towards a goal... it is part of the scene - it is that failure that drives me forward... her disappointment pushing my limits, driving me further.

Don't get me wrong, after the play is over? I am fully loved and adored; while we are not strictly limited to the confines of during a scene, we are not 24/7 either. It is simply an extension of the ebb and flow of our personalities and how they mesh with one another.

I am not sure I understand where you are coming from with the walking away as not maintaining control. Is there some sort of unwritten rule that one must complete a scene once initiated; I would think being allowed to give pleasure and fulfill her wishes would depend on my behavior, whether it be intentional or not... it is all under my control. I am not a slave; she does not control me to that degree. As submission is not taken, but is ultimately given... would it not be my duty if I truly wish to submit to seek and understand the issues and thoughts I harbor within, in order to rectify the hesitations and related things?

 

[Adakgirl]

Nevermind, I seem to have misinterpreted your original post