so what do I do now?

[Munachi]

Really, I think I just have to order my thoughts, somewhat, but I would like some comments.

In June, I met this guy. Was quite attracted to him, and he seemed to think similarly of me... At first though I had not really anything serious in mind, more a kind of fling or maybe a vaguely fuck buddy thing, nothing I would see a future for. Well, when I got to know him better (this was, when we were already having sex etc.) it turned out that he wasn't for these things at all, and it seemed like for him it was more serious.

Well anyway, with the time however I realized that I like him quite a bit more than I expected. I had my most serious relationship so far ending now about three years ago, and since then didn't really get interested in anyone beyond a few crushes, until I met this guy. Even though he in a lot of respects wasn't "my type"...

So anyway, we had a kind of relationship, until beginning of September I had to leave. I wanted to travel for two months, but considered giving up that plan and staying there - he said though that I should go, because that is what I wanted to do, and that eventually I would have to go anyway, and then it would be just even harder. I was quite down, crying at the airport, etc. - sitting in a friends apartment a few days later and starting to cry again when I showed her a picture of him she said I should go back, and I did. On the way thinking things through though it became more clear to me that there aren't really many chances for us, that we are also quite different in a lot of respects (mainly background) etc.

Now, I stayed there a few days, then left - he had told me again that I should go travel, that it would just be more difficult even in two months...

So, I haven't seen him since middle of September, but we talk on the phone quite regularly, and msn sometimes. Once I left I was mainly thinking, this will kind of fade away with the time - we didn't break up in that sense, but I also didn't really plan on another LDR...

Now when we talk on the phone though, it is clear each time that he seems to feel a lot for me, and think that I will be back as soon as I can. I on the other hand think more and more I just want to go on with my life...

Yesterday, when we talked, (he was a bit drunk though I think as it was his birthday) he kept asking how much I like him, if I miss him, if I love him - and these questions started annoying me, as I really couldn't answer them.

Thing is though, I can't find the moment to just tell him it's over. Or even tell myself. I don't know if I am scared to hurt him, or if I can't really give up the ideas I had about us a few months back... I still think one day there might be a chance or me to return and give it another try, the idea of just completely losing him out of my life makes me quite sad... and it is getting this strong symbolism to me, in a way (I don't do some things that I feel would be like a symbolic action of showing myself it is over...)

But I guess I am being very selfish, probably it would be better to tell him it's not going to work... and maybe drawing a line would be better for me too - I am kind of avoiding a lot of my former "social life" since I returned home, and I am still going through some of the difficult processes one goes through after a longer time abroad...

Hm, problem is I don't really know what I think or feel or want, I think of him all the time, and at the same time he's part of a different world now...

don't know... thanks for listening anyway...

 

[LadyJeanne]

You might be having trouble bringing this up with him because you aren't clear on what you want, what outcome you want.

If I recall correctly, he's in Peru and you're in Germany? The first question has to be what are your feelings about him now, and then second question has to be, are those feelings strong enough or promising enough that you want to make it work.

If you do want to pursue this relationship, you have to realistically consider whether there is any chance either of you might move to be together. If you just don't see that happening, then you have to be honest with him about that. If you're not sure, I think it would be better to tell him that, too.

Make him a part of this decision - there's no need for you to try and figure it out without his input...especially if you are considering him as a long-term relationship.

Have you asked him if he might come to Germany for a visit? That might help you make up your mind...

My two cents...

 

[Munachi]

thanks for your post ladyjeanne...

you are right, I guess what I should do first is talk with him about it, and about me not being sure what I want or think...

We have talked about the idea of him coming here to visit me, but there are a few difficulties - with his current situation he could never afford the ticket, and I right now wouldn't have any money to pay it either. Also, I am not quite sure whether he needs someone to guarantee for him (seeing as Peru is seen as a poor country and its citizens thus as potential illegal immigrants), and as a student I am not allowed to do that.

 

[M's girl]

If you would have the money at this moment to jump on a plane to see him and not go bankrupt in the process.... would you?

I think 'logistics' and money are part of what influences your decisions at this moment. Understandably so. You said that you were very sad at first to not be with him. Then you probably realized it could never work beause of the distance between you plus you went into this relationship not expecting to fall in love, but you sort of did fall in love with him anyway. I can understand how this is all very confusing.

Could it be that he annoys you when he asks those questions because you really don't know what to answer at this moment? If you did not care (about him) you would not be this upset, is my guess...

To make a long story short(er)... Basically I'm saying what Lady Jeanne said already too... and don't make decisions when you're not ready to take them yet, but do talk to him about the process you're going through.

Good luck

 

[jerseyman1963]

Be honest with him

I've been on your guy's side of that equation twice, and here are a couple of thoughts. Sounds like you really do care for him, but you're not sure how much, and you also have other priorities in your life right now that are not compatible with being in a long term relationship. Be honest and forthright with him about that. How he reacts to that is not your responsibility of course, but the least you can do is to be forthright with him and not keep him hoping you're about to return to him when it sounds like you're not. He sounds like a cool person; he said, "If you have to travel, go do what you have to do for yourself," when obviously he didn't want you to leave, and that's pretty selfless of him. But it also sounds like he hopes for me and thinks in his heart of hearts it might happen.

Obviously I am leaping to several conclusions here based on very little information, so I apologize for anything I am getting wrong or reading into the situation that's not really there, but it made me think of two examples from my own life which might be helpful.

I remember fondly a woman I sort of dated for a short time, who after just two weeks said to me, "Look, I like you, but I am not in the same emotional place you are at this time in my life. I don't want a relationship, I have other things to do." It hurt really badly, but funny enough, only for a few days, because then I came to realize that I appreciated her complete honesty, which ended it with finality and enabled both of us to get on with our lives. Also over the years I've also come to appreciate that her maturity was light years ahead of mine at the time. She was able to assess the situation and deal with it in a way I was not.

I contrast that to another relationship, where I was given my walking papers for a bunch of invented reasons, and over the years I figured out that none of those reasons were true, that what it was really about was that a permanent relationship was just not in her plans at the time, and she either ddn't realize that herself at the time, or didn't know how to say that, so she invented something else. In the end that was far more cruel than if she had just said, "Look, this is just not in my plans right now and I have to go do these other things for myself before I am ready to be involved with anyone seriously."

Honesty is messy and often painful, especially when one or both parties like the other at some level but just aren't looking for the same thing at the same time. But it's the only way to go in my book. So I would advocate being forthright and diplomatically blunt about where your head is at right now. How he chooses to react is his responsibility but you'll always know you were the best and most honest person you could be, and I bet some day, however this turns out, and however he initially feels, he'll appreciate you and the time you've spent together more for it.

 

[Munachi]

If you would have the money at this moment to jump on a plane to see him and not go bankrupt in the process.... would you?

I think 'logistics' and money are part of what influences your decisions at this moment. Understandably so. You said that you were very sad at first to not be with him. Then you probably realized it could never work beause of the distance between you plus you went into this relationship not expecting to fall in love, but you sort of did fall in love with him anyway. I can understand how this is all very confusing.

Could it be that he annoys you when he asks those questions because you really don't know what to answer at this moment? If you did not care (about him) you would not be this upset, is my guess...

To make a long story short(er)... Basically I'm saying what Lady Jeanne said already too... and don't make decisions when you're not ready to take them yet, but do talk to him about the process you're going through.

Good luck

Thanks for your answer...

Well, if I had the money, I would very much consider going in march (before that would mean skipping class, and not being here when a friend from australia is coming to visit me. Unfortunately I don't have the money though...

Yes, you might be right, I am annoyed with the questions because I don't know what to say, and no matter what I answer, I have the feeling I am lying, and I don't want to lie to him...

 

[Munachi]

I've been on your guy's side of that equation twice, and here are a couple of thoughts. Sounds like you really do care for him, but you're not sure how much, and you also have other priorities in your life right now that are not compatible with being in a long term relationship. Be honest and forthright with him about that. How he reacts to that is not your responsibility of course, but the least you can do is to be forthright with him and not keep him hoping you're about to return to him when it sounds like you're not. He sounds like a cool person; he said, "If you have to travel, go do what you have to do for yourself," when obviously he didn't want you to leave, and that's pretty selfless of him. But it also sounds like he hopes for me and thinks in his heart of hearts it might happen.

Obviously I am leaping to several conclusions here based on very little information, so I apologize for anything I am getting wrong or reading into the situation that's not really there, but it made me think of two examples from my own life which might be helpful.

I remember fondly a woman I sort of dated for a short time, who after just two weeks said to me, "Look, I like you, but I am not in the same emotional place you are at this time in my life. I don't want a relationship, I have other things to do." It hurt really badly, but funny enough, only for a few days, because then I came to realize that I appreciated her complete honesty, which ended it with finality and enabled both of us to get on with our lives. Also over the years I've also come to appreciate that her maturity was light years ahead of mine at the time. She was able to assess the situation and deal with it in a way I was not.

I contrast that to another relationship, where I was given my walking papers for a bunch of invented reasons, and over the years I figured out that none of those reasons were true, that what it was really about was that a permanent relationship was just not in her plans at the time, and she either ddn't realize that herself at the time, or didn't know how to say that, so she invented something else. In the end that was far more cruel than if she had just said, "Look, this is just not in my plans right now and I have to go do these other things for myself before I am ready to be involved with anyone seriously."

Honesty is messy and often painful, especially when one or both parties like the other at some level but just aren't looking for the same thing at the same time. But it's the only way to go in my book. So I would advocate being forthright and diplomatically blunt about where your head is at right now. How he chooses to react is his responsibility but you'll always know you were the best and most honest person you could be, and I bet some day, however this turns out, and however he initially feels, he'll appreciate you and the time you've spent together more for it.

thanks for your reply!

i think yes, at least part of the problem is also being at a different point in life (actually he wants a family asap, while i in fact don't) - and a general difference of background. though a lot of it is also just logistics.

next time i speak to him i will tell him about my worries and insecurities. i have been afraid to talk too much of that until now, because i know it will hurt him. but you are right, in the long one this is better for him as well...