So, last week my mother committed suicide...

[VelvetDarkness]

She was in her 50s and had the early symptoms of a terminal disease. She was living independently at home with minimal support with housework, the garden and her financial affairs. She decided that she didn't want to continue to become ill and be a burden. She had always joked about euthanasia when the time came but she was still in relatively good health. I fail to understand why she decided that last week was the right time. She left a note for me.

The next paragraph is quite graphic and not for the squeamish - apologies.

It was, unfortunately, me who found her in the house after she died. She had taken all the medication in the house (including a packet of anti-emetic drugs to prevent her from throwing up). She had been dead for a day or so and her two cats - having been left unfed - had used their own initiative and begun to feed on her. Because her face was exposed they started there. There are no words to articulate how deeply upsetting it was to discover her that way, to know how long she'd been alone in her bed like that.

These images have completely overtaken my head. I am finding it almost impossible to remember what Mum looked like when alive without the aid of a photo. This distresses me greatly. I have had panic attacks, nightmares (such convincingly vivid ones) and even a couple of seizures (I have a history of epilepsy so this isn't entirely unexpected but the violence of my grief is really frightening me).

I am being referred by my neurologist to a post-traumatic shock therapist. These images are growing in my head however. I have never felt so completely unhinged - I am unable to control my reactions to things. I get irrationally upset and angry - homicidally enraged - at the stupidest things. It's such a cliche but I feel I am seriously losing my grip on myself.

There is no hope of ever forcing the way in which I found my mother out of my head and this terrifies me. Right now I prevented from functioning at all normally. I work with mental health patients (although I've been signed off as sick for the next month by my neurologist) and I can see myself almost in the third person, sliding into insanity. There seems to be no way to prevent it.

I have no idea at this point what the purpose of this post is. Has anybody out there experienced anything like this? Can time really put a dent in something so shockingly disturbing? Anything, any experience or perspective will be gratefully received from readers.

Thankyou

 

[M's girl]

Oh Velvet, this is awfull!

The, indeed, horrific picture you had to see is something, I'm sure, your mother never expected. I can imagine she could see herself lying there as if she were asleep. Maybe she also for some reason expected to be found at an earlier stage.

I understand very well how you can't get rid of these images. You walked into your own horrormovie somehow. Sorry if that sounds disrespectful, because that's not why I say this.

So, what can you do? You can't get this image out of your head and that's so understandable. It's a good thing you are talking about it and to us. Maybe someone else comes in who had a similar experience who can advice you better.

I can imagine you need a lot of help. However I believe your mother never meant to cause this effect, it did, and it hurts and I could even understand if you would be quite upset with her about that. And now you can't even tell her or ask her. So you need someone who can help you get this all in persprective. Please don't try to work this out on your own.

{{{Velvet}}}

 

[silverwhisper]

velvet, i'm so sorry to hear this and my heart goes out to you for the state in which you found her.

ed

 

[wicked woman]

VelvetDarkness...I'm so sorry for the loss of your Mom. While I haven't experienced anything of the magnitude that you just have, I do recall how my Mom looked the day she died. It left a permanent association of something very unpleasant. *forgive me if I don't provide details...I just can't go there* I can assure you though that mostly I remember the wonderful woman she was. Over time the image has escaped so that I rarely think of it unless something like this triggers it. There is hope hon.

Take care of yourself...surround yourself with loved ones for support, but take time for yourself. You said you work with mental health patients, so you know the value of professional help. I'd recommend getting some. Time is your friend. There is hope. (((VD)))

 

[bobsgirl]

Velvet, I am so so sorry for this tragedy in your life, and the trauma you've been through.

There is no hope of ever forcing the way in which I found my mother out of my head and this terrifies me.

I know it feels that way now, sweetie. You're only a week out from this, and you're still in shock. I think it's crucial that you seek professional help in dealing with this. Will you ever forget? No, of course not, but as WW said, time is your friend. In time those images will fade, and you'll be able to concentrate on happier memories.

No one should have to see what you did. Please be kind to yourself. One day at a time, one hour at a time, if it comes to that. You'll be in my thoughts.

 

[Guest]

 

[midwestyankee]

VelvetDarkness, I can't do much more than add my condolences to those that you've already received here. It's always a trauma to lose a parent, regardless of the circumstances. It's always a little too soon (or a lot); we're never quite ready, no matter how prepared we think we are; and it always hurts like hell.

I'm sorry that you're suffering so; it must feel unbearable right now. And it is. That's why you came here - to get a little help from your friends. If the Lit community behaves the way it usually does, you'll get more than a little help from your friends. You'll get a lot.

Peace,

mwy

 

[Phaedre]

My sincere condolences on your loss and for the trauma you have suffered as a result.

I've not experienced anything similar but I have had traumatic experiences resulting in the symptoms you have described. What you describe are the indicators for post traumatic shock so I am glad to see that you have a referral to a therapist.

I was told that the path of recovery begins with being able to talk about the experience, put it into words if you can and if that is too difficult to do then draw/paint/write how you are feeling.

I know it might seem like you will never be able to visualise your mother in any other way but as the trauma fades hopefully the positive images will take precedence.

In the mean time take one day at a time, one hour at a time, try to find some space for yourself and if you can, allow others to support you.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Thankyou all,

I shouldn't have to wait more than a few weeks to see the post-trauma therapist but right now that seems such a long time away. I have been on autopilot, organising the funeral and greeting relatives (most of whom display some degree of relief because Mum was terminally ill anyway and this is making me HATE like I never have before - irrationally so). My normality of behaviour round most people is making me feel completely detached from everyone, as though I've got lost inside myself. I can't articulate this anywhere but here - emotionally stunted generation Xer that I am.

I have very few people to whom I can bare these demons and I can see (even if they can't) that I'm exhausting them a little with my rambling. I re-read the initial post and I can just hear it screaming into the cybervoid.

I already know there are no answers, I can see that I just really need to vent. But as ever nobody here seems to mind and it is helping. I am calmer now than I've been all day - which is significant progress as far as I'm concerned.

Thanks again

 

[midwestyankee]

Thankyou all,

I shouldn't have to wait more than a few weeks to see the post-trauma therapist but right now that seems such a long time away. I have been on autopilot, organising the funeral and greeting relatives (most of whom display some degree of relief because Mum was terminally ill anyway and this is making me HATE like I never have before - irrationally so). My normality of behaviour round most people is making me feel completely detached from everyone, as though I've got lost inside myself. I can't articulate this anywhere but here - emotionally stunted generation Xer that I am.

I have very few people to whom I can bare these demons and I can see (even if they can't) that I'm exhausting them a little with my rambling. I re-read the initial post and I can just hear it screaming into the cybervoid.

I already know there are no answers, I can see that I just really need to vent. But as ever nobody here seems to mind and it is helping. I am calmer now than I've been all day - which is significant progress as far as I'm concerned.

Thanks again

We're glad you know that you can come here to vent, ask for help - whatever it takes.

 

[silverwhisper]

amen to that, MWY.

ed

 

[loveumore]

 

[Eilan]

Sorry about what you've gone through.

My grandmother found my grandfather the morning he died--he had apparently tried to get out of bed earlier in the morning and ended up half in/half out of bed and had some cuts on his head where it had hit his nightstand. While it wasn't as graphic as what you've described, I know that it took some time for her to get the image of that, as well as the shock of being the one to find him in the first place, out of her head.

 

[wally2450]

So sorry about your mom...

 

[Leah57]

Velvet - I can only add my condolences to those above me. You are in my thoughts.....

 

[Quoll]

{{{{Velvet}}}} There are no words I can say that will bring you peace, but know that your pain is shared by many here, and if the thoughts and wishes of wonderful people with good in their hearts can do anything to lighten your spirits, then rest assured it is being done here with the utmost love. I hope that in time you can rest your mind and find the peace you need.






I don't know much about it, but I wonder if hypnosis might help you to replace the images you don't want to see with something that can give you good memories of your mother. Perhaps carry a photo of her to look at when you think of her. I don't know, just some thoughts.
It's ok to be mad at her and still love her.
You will be in my thoughts.

 

[SweetErika]

I'm so sorry for your loss and pain, Velvet.

This doesn't compare to your experience, but my husband and I both had the terrible images and nightmares after we watched his mom pass. It was the first time we had seen a death, and sadly, this one was filled with uncontrollable pain, blood, and the agony of watching a loved one struggle against being killed by cancer. I think that's what was so hard - there was no peace or letting go, we watched her fight it until her body didn't have anything left. The images of a woman we didn't recognize looking at us through jaundiced eyes in so much pain are burned in our minds, and there's some guilt with that because that's not what she'd ever want us to see or remember.

The first few months were really bad, but the snapshots, flashbacks and dreams lessened over time. Sometimes they came with anniversaries and certain days, but it got better. Now, two years later, we've kind of put the death away and we focus on her life and all of the good memories. I really like Quoll's idea of carrying a photo or something that helps trigger positive images and emotions. Thinking about how your mom wanted to be remembered might help, too.

I'm glad you're getting the help you need, and hope you'll continue to vent and allow this community to support you.

 

[Cathleen]

Velvet, I am very sorry for your loss and the difficulty it presents.

~Heavy sigh~

Each loss, each death, is experienced in personal ways by each of us. My mother died a horribly ugly death from cancer. She fought like Muhammad Ali for almost twelve years. Thru that time life happened. During the end we could bearly touch her without breaking a bone, in fact sometimes bones broke without touch or movement. I wish it had been different... such is the care givers own hell.

I hope you will be able to see the therapist very soon. I don't know if your thoughts are irrational given what you are dealing with now. What is rational for this experience? Be gentle with your mind, please. Your mention of the visions you have of your mother. I can relate to that very much. If looking at her picture helps then do it -- all the time. It if helps and gives you some moment of relief then tape a photo to your hands or whatever, just look at her as she was alive. It took me a long while to see my live mother's vision, I know it's tough to shake what your eyes saw but keep that photo handy.

I hope you have some support nearby, someone to keep watch over you. I'd use a sleeping aid if needed, keep an eye on your nutrition (your body will crave sugars) and if possible take time for fresh air. When you find something that gives you peace, use it (as long as it isn't self-defeating or harmful).

You have found a good place for expressing your pain. I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts. I am truly sorry for all you are going through.

 

[Exciteher]

... Has anybody out there experienced anything like this? Can time really put a dent in something so shockingly disturbing? Anything, any experience or perspective will be gratefully received from readers....

Please accept my condolences for your loss.

I can never know what this was like for you, but someone once very close to me had a similar experience, so I can empathise.. and I do.

I was married once. That was many years ago, we grew apart, we parted friends and still are. When she was 16, her mother committed suicide, it was a gunshot to the head, and my ex discovered her mother dead in the basement, after she had heard the shot and had come running. Not a good scene.

Yes, it is good you are getting help. You must. You are dealing with TWO things, any one of which would be immensly difficult for anybody: The loss of your mom itself, and the circumstances of the discovery.

I am hoping that in her note to you, your mother will have left you something that will be of comfort to you. You know, although she could no longer bear her illness, she would have never wanted you to witness what you did.

The images will fade out and it will pass in time. What you are going through now is "normal", you are not losing your sanity, although it is normal to feel like that, what you say about that is instantly recognizable to me.

At first, when the images would not leave her, what my ex said she had to do was to internally "yell" "STOP!!" to herself, sometimes over and over. She had to do that until the images vanished. Maybe that will work for you, I don't know. Everyone is different.... or maybe not.

Also there was a place where my ex and her mother use to like to spend time together, they watched the sunset there, my ex said going to that place helped keep the disturbing images away... and in that place, she could remember her mother as she was in better days.

I think Quoll's idea of keeping a picture close, is a good one. Perhaps also keep a picture of something more neutral, a place or thing... that had special significance to you, and from a far happier time. Maybe even a picture of a place, a feeling, that you want to get to.. a symbol of where you want to be when you trancend this... so you can see your way through this.

I am sorry, this is as much as I personally know about this, if it helps ..good, if it does not fit for you, toss it to the wind.

Right now is the hardest time, it will get better. Seek out friends, tell your story.. they will understand.

Take exqusite care of yourself, my heart goes out to you.

 

[Sarojaede]

Velvet--I can only add my heartfelt condolences. I will keep you in my thoughts. Be gentle with yourself; there is no one clear path through such an experience.



As someone who has suffered from Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome, albiet for something completely different, I can tell you that the rages and the anger are not all that unusual. But, I can only offer you the knowledge that there is hope that the images will lessen and that you will find peace eventually.

 

[mickyp123]

Quote

There is no hope of ever forcing the way in which I found my mother out of my head and this terrifies me. Right now I prevented from functioning at all normally. I work with mental health patients (although I've been signed off as sick for the next month by my neurologist) and I can see myself almost in the third person, sliding into insanity. There seems to be no way to prevent it.

Sharing and unloading is a good start Velvet, and can only help to lessen the vision in your mind, and let there always be "hope"

 

[onyxvixen]

I have very few people to whom I can bare these demons and I can see (even if they can't) that I'm exhausting them a little with my rambling. I re-read the initial post and I can just hear it screaming into the cybervoid.

Damn, I only just found this thread. I wish you had felt able to tell me you had posted it.

Know this, my beautiful soul sister, you have exhausted nobody's ear and you WILL NOT do so. I know you have to wait a while to see this therapist and it does seem a long time away. As others have said, "This is the hardest time." if nothing else brings you comfort, remind yourself that whatever else you go through, the most painful, difficult days have already passed.

I agree that carrying a photo would be a good idea right now, maybe a few photos that you can pull out and look through at will that have happy memories in them. When the bad images crowd you, say STOP, say GO AWAY but also say "This is not how I wish to remember my Mum. This is not how she deserves to be remembered." No matter how angry and upset you are with her right now - and you should be, to a degree - your Mum deserves to rest in peace within you.

Let's get through the funeral and look upon that as the first turning point. You will then have the time to focus on yourself and your grief, to hibernate for a while if need be. You mother will be at rest. You know also that she donated her remains for post-mortem by the research foundation for her illness. Even in death she has given a precious gift in the hope that you never suffer as she did. She will be able to rest now and that's all she wanted, so desperately, when she took her life.

Keep talking my darling, whenever and wherever you feel able to. Isolation at this point will destroy you and I'm glad you're not succumbing to the seductive urge to will the world away and deny the magnitude of your loss and grief.

My thoughts are always with you soul sister x12

*HUG*

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Yes, it is good you are getting help. You must. You are dealing with TWO things, any one of which would be immensly difficult for anybody: The loss of your mom itself, and the circumstances of the discovery.

I do acknowledge this but it's kind of bound up with my anger that Mum took her own life in the first place. I'm grieving for her but to a large degree I blame her for the manner in which I found her and the effect it has had on me.

I am hoping that in her note to you, your mother will have left you something that will be of comfort to you. You know, although she could no longer bear her illness, she would have never wanted you to witness what you did.

I do understand that. My sister had been planning to go to see her the day after she died and so I didn't visit - thinking that somebody else would be there. I went round the day after that and found her so the cats had been free to come and go from the house but left unfed for two days. It would be easy to blame my sister for this but there's no way she could have known either.

The images will fade out and it will pass in time. What you are going through now is "normal", you are not losing your sanity, although it is normal to feel like that, what you say about that is instantly recognizable to me.

I am trying to be positive to a degree and hope that things improve. I think partly because I work in the mental health sector I have a real reflex fear of losing my sanity. I'm acutely aware of just how thoroughly it can be lost. I'm also beginning to act like a mental health hyperchondriac, clocking up my symptoms and irrational behaviour and getting as upset by that as by everything else. I am truly my own worst enemy for this.

At first, when the images would not leave her, what my ex said she had to do was to internally "yell" "STOP!!" to herself, sometimes over and over. She had to do that until the images vanished. Maybe that will work for you, I don't know. Everyone is different.... or maybe not.

I have tried something like this but found that when I silently (or even audibly - cracked as I am these days) shouted STOP I automatically closed my eyes, which made the image more vivid rather than less so. I'm trying to do this and keep my eyes open but it's ridiculously hard and mentally quite exhausting. The number of times in a day that I try and do this is frightening and I'm giving myself headaches in the attempt.

Also there was a place where my ex and her mother use to like to spend time together, they watched the sunset there, my ex said going to that place helped keep the disturbing images away... and in that place, she could remember her mother as she was in better days.

I do have places to go to that Mum liked but her home and the places she truly loved are quite far away from me. I intend to go and visit them again but I want to be calmer and come back with good memories from the visit rather than go there in desperation and achieve nothing. It's as though I don't want to contaminate those places with grief and pain this acute. It's an idea for the future though.

I think Quoll's idea of keeping a picture close, is a good one. Perhaps also keep a picture of something more neutral, a place or thing... that had special significance to you, and from a far happier time. Maybe even a picture of a place, a feeling, that you want to get to.. a symbol of where you want to be when you trancend this... so you can see your way through this.

I do have a few pictures that I keep by my bed but I will start to carry them around now. I do worry about them being ruined or lost so I'm going to have some copies made first. This may help with the bad images I want to wall away. One sleep deprived night though I was focusing so hard on the pic of Mum and internally shouting STOP to the other images so loudly that my addled brain layered one image onto the other and I had a full scale panic attack. I'm very afraid of this happening again. I still haven't quite got over that yet.

Thankyou everybody for your thoughts and sympathy and advice. It's all going in and having a positive effect.

 

[mickyp123]

I do acknowledge this but it's kind of bound up with my anger that Mum took her own life in the first place. I'm grieving for her but to a large degree I blame her for the manner in which I found her and the effect it has had on me.



I do understand that. My sister had been planning to go to see her the day after she died and so I didn't visit - thinking that somebody else would be there. I went round the day after that and found her so the cats had been free to come and go from the house but left unfed for two days. It would be easy to blame my sister for this but there's no way she could have known either.



I am trying to be positive to a degree and hope that things improve. I think partly because I work in the mental health sector I have a real reflex fear of losing my sanity. I'm acutely aware of just how thoroughly it can be lost. I'm also beginning to act like a mental health hyperchondriac, clocking up my symptoms and irrational behaviour and getting as upset by that as by everything else. I am truly my own worst enemy for this.



I have tried something like this but found that when I silently (or even audibly - cracked as I am these days) shouted STOP I automatically closed my eyes, which made the image more vivid rather than less so. I'm trying to do this and keep my eyes open but it's ridiculously hard and mentally quite exhausting. The number of times in a day that I try and do this is frightening and I'm giving myself headaches in the attempt.



I do have places to go to that Mum liked but her home and the places she truly loved are quite far away from me. I intend to go and visit them again but I want to be calmer and come back with good memories from the visit rather than go there in desperation and achieve nothing. It's as though I don't want to contaminate those places with grief and pain this acute. It's an idea for the future though.



I do have a few pictures that I keep by my bed but I will start to carry them around now. I do worry about them being ruined or lost so I'm going to have some copies made first. This may help with the bad images I want to wall away. One sleep deprived night though I was focusing so hard on the pic of Mum and internally shouting STOP to the other images so loudly that my addled brain layered one image onto the other and I had a full scale panic attack. I'm very afraid of this happening again. I still haven't quite got over that yet.

Thankyou everybody for your thoughts and sympathy and advice. It's all going in and having a positive effect.

All this is good, the more you talk and air your feelings the better, each time you write something else is coming out, so as your feelings build up write, nobody will tire of you Velvet

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Damn, I only just found this thread. I wish you had felt able to tell me you had posted it.

Know this, my beautiful soul sister, you have exhausted nobody's ear and you WILL NOT do so. I know you have to wait a while to see this therapist and it does seem a long time away. As others have said, "This is the hardest time." if nothing else brings you comfort, remind yourself that whatever else you go through, the most painful, difficult days have already passed.

Oh darling, you have listened to so much of this, uninterrupted, for days on end and you're not looking after yourself as you should. You're my best friend but to watch you sacrifice yourself to the point of exhaustion upon the altar of my grief is becoming painful. You need to rest yourself and have a little space from me and my pain.

I do tell myself that the hardest days have passed but if I'm honest I don't quite believe it. I have a very long way to go before I get past this and can focus on my life again.

I agree that carrying a photo would be a good idea right now, maybe a few photos that you can pull out and look through at will that have happy memories in them. When the bad images crowd you, say STOP, say GO AWAY but also say "This is not how I wish to remember my Mum. This is not how she deserves to be remembered." No matter how angry and upset you are with her right now - and you should be, to a degree - your Mum deserves to rest in peace within you.

I do want long term memories of Mum to be good ones. That said, I am aware that unless I keep the bad memories on the surface for a while, where I can see them and control them, to a degree, they'll get embedded irretrievably into the back of my head and THERE they'll cause damage to my soul. I have to allow myself to get past them without pushing them too far away or trying to rush anything. If that makes any sense at all.

Let's get through the funeral and look upon that as the first turning point. You will then have the time to focus on yourself and your grief, to hibernate for a while if need be. You mother will be at rest. You know also that she donated her remains for post-mortem by the research foundation for her illness. Even in death she has given a precious gift in the hope that you never suffer as she did. She will be able to rest now and that's all she wanted, so desperately, when she took her life.

I do see the funeral as a turning point, not least because I won't have to face any relatives or be sociable. A big part of me rather mean-spiritedly wants to have the cats destroyed in some act of retribution but I know I won't go through with it. As you know, they're with one of Mum's friends because I can't bear to look at them. Of course, they're not really accountable for instinct and it's not them I'm really angry with. There just seems some poetic karma in it right now. Maybe I'll donate them to the chinese takeaway Mum liked. Oh look! A joke