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So, it's getting annoying

I dont understand how this guy can be a JW and 'on trial' and still kiss you (unless you were in major drag) in public and not be worried about that getting his ass booted from the church. But that's minor compared to the rest of the stuff. Stella speaks truth. You have a ton of issues you need to address, methinks, and falling for some guy because his name reminds you of a vampire character is the tip of the iceberg.

Best of luck.
 
lol, the vampire thing's not really an issue; I just mentioned it because I thought it was interesting- and I was kinda drunk... I actually, given the choice, would much rather be taken by Northman.

Look, the drug culture is something that I grew up in. A lot of my family members make their money that way- it's one of the few non-taxable modes of income in such a bad economy and one of the few ways for poor people to actually make money. The Rockafellers made their fortune "bootlegging" which is a fancy-rich-folk way of saying drug dealing. It's really not that big of a deal.

Having said that, I haven't had a drink, or done any drugs (except one cigarette while I was moving stuff today) since I said I was going to quit. If I can't have a joint and coffee, or a ciggy and coffee before work tomorrow though... that shift is going to suck.

I do shoplift. I'm a bad person. I've never gotten caught- but I do it probably more then I should; I honestly never thought that I shouldn't prior to meeting Bill- he was the one who explained to me about shrinkage and all that bullshit- before meeting him, my main method of thought was, "If I can pirate the game, I can steal the controller- they cost $8 to make and they mark them up to $50- fuck them. Fuck Wal-Mart." Now I realize that he was kinda right, inasmuch as the shrinkage causes them to mark the non-stolen shit up more so that honest folk like him are out money so that my ass can get a 40 rank.

I'm not worried about myself- where I'm from (as opposed to where I'm living now) the people are almost all way worse about this stuff then I am. I've gotten a lot better just because I got myself out of that situation, went to college, and am trying to make something out of my life. I'm the first person in my family to go to college. I really don't think I have a "Problem" per-se, but I do have an addictive personality, and... probably some self-esteem issues, as this message board is not the first place that I've heard that. Maybe because I've felt worthless my entire life- maybe because there were a couple of times when I felt like Fate had wanted me to die and I fucked her over; I don't really care about my life because I've got this "Final Destination" feeling that Death is already pissed at me. I've already overstayed my welcome.

Hope I die before I get old.

It's not like I've never been in therapy- I had it court-ordered when I was younger because I used to get in fights a lot. I don't do that anymore- I'm on meds and I've gotten a lot better-

Wow, this thread degraded from a "I have no man" to "Well I fucking suck"...

Having said that, I am not going to be my mom or my dad- one has no idea where she is half the time and the other is a trigger-happy psychopath who is no longer legally allowed to have a gun registered in his name because he keeps shooting people (thank my mom for that one; she took him to court). I'm not gonna have anger issues my whole fucking life. And I'm not going to be a druggie either. No tack marks. Real memories.

Oh, and when he kissed me in public, I was in extreme drag- at a drag show, and it was my birthday. Which is a good segway back to the man problem-

Still haven't heard anything back. I sent him a couple of text messages, but I haven't heard anything. I know he's awake during the day. He's just ignoring me. I must've pissed him off really bad. No one has heard anything from him- which is weird; he might've been our moral compass, but he never acted stuck-up or better then any of us, and now no one's seen him in 2 days. I think I might have turned him off the whole group. He won't even answer the phone for Pierce, and they're pretty close- they went to high school together. So... yeah, a part of me is kind of worried about him. He was really upset when he left and he was already pissed about this church thing- I'm thinking about going down there and seeing him, but I'm afraid it'll just piss him off more, in the "Didn't you get the clue when I stopped answering you?" way.

Really, really want a drink right now. Not gonna do it. Not... going... to do it...
 
have you thought about moving the hell out of Dodge? Raleigh NC has some fabulous folk and maybe it's not so far away from where you are.
 
Stella_Omega said:
have you thought about moving the hell out of Dodge? Raleigh NC has some fabulous folk and maybe it's not so far away from where you are.
Click to expand...

I actually spend every summer in Cherokee, NC on the boundary- right outside of Gatlinburg- I have a lot of family there and we go over to Gatlinburg/Pigeon Forge! I've been to DollyWood every summer! I love NC.

I did get the hell out of dodge- I moved 2 years ago to go to college. I'm in a much better place now. And I'm away from all of my family, who I saw as the major obstacle in my living a good life.
 
Still no answer- fuck it, I'm going over there tonight. No one has seen him in 3 days. Wanna make sure he's still alive.
 
Firstly, and most importantly, YOU have as much value and worth as any other person who trods on the earth. Make it your mantra. Secondly, it gives me warm fuzzies to see that the folks who've been posting in the thread care enough to nod you toward AA/NA. I can attest to that program having a real and positive impact on my life and my addict's life even though I've never been an addict.

As others have already stated, this guy is denying reality. His own delusion is also being reflected onto you, and making you question the most basic aspects of who you are. That, my friend, is toxic. If you decide to pick your way through this forest, be aware that monsters lurk in the darkness - ones that you could never possibly fathom.

My PM box is open for you if you ever want to chat. *hugs*
 
Stella_Omega said:
I assume he was alive, at least...
Click to expand...

He was- really, really fucked up.

So, it was my day off, and Pierce (who has been friends with him since they were like, 14- and they're both 25-26 now) was really pissed that he hasn't been answering his phone. So our friend Shadow calls him, to tell him that Billy just stopped by his house- this is interesting to note, because "stopping by" Shadow's house to get "red thread" is a code- so we asked him how much thread he picked up.

Shadow says a half-an-ounce.

WTF? This is the first time anyone's heard anything from Billy in three days. And it was a short, quick little trip. Came in, handed him the money, wouldn't even talk about WOW- had dark circles under his eyes and apparently looked like shit.
Billy doesn't smoke.

So, we go down to his house and knock on the door. His truck is in the driveway and his fucked-up, one-eared alley cat is sitting on the porch. No answer from me, so Pierce shoves me out of the way (he's a HUGE man- not in that he's fat, but in that he's 6'6" and pure muscle, lead singer of a metal band- think a blond Nathan Explosion) and pounds on the door with his fist.

"Open up!" he shouts in his most authoritative voice, "Police!"

So we hear some frantic scrambling, knocking shit down, and Bill opens the door.

"Fuck, you scared the shit out of me." he put his hand over his face- and Shadow was right- he looked horrible. Like he hadn't eaten or slept in days.

So Pierce shoves him out of the way and we go inside. The radio's blasting Smashing Pumpkins, and the house looks fucking awful- junk everywhere; games and PS3 controllers shattered on the living room floor- his action figure collection spread out all over his bed; his sheet music all over the bedroom floor; dirty dishes all over his kitchen, ect.

"What the fuck?" Pierce asks- sounding angry.

"What?" Bill falls down to the couch, "Close the door. Don't let the cat in."

"What do you mean 'what'? No one's seen your ass for three fucking days! You don't answer messages- you don't answer your phone- what the fuck!?" Pierce towers over him.

"It's 'three-fucking-days'," Bill mocked him, "not a month or a year- WTF?"

"Did you buy weed?" I peep out from behind Pierce and he seemed to just notice me.

"Don't even fucking start, V!" He glared up at me, "I'm not going to be preached to by-"

"Say it," Pierce leaned over him.

"God, Pierce- Fuck!" he tried to shove him out of the way and couldn't.

"What were you gonna say? Fag?" he asked, his face inches from Bills.

"I was gonna say pot-head!" Bill hissed back at him, fear suddenly creeping into his eyes, "But why are you acting like this?"

"Because," Pierce slid next to him on the futon, heard a crumple, and pulled a bag of weed out from behind a pillow, "This is the longest I've ever gone without hearing from you. Because you've been my best friend since your ass was getting shoved into lockers. Because you were pretty fucked up the last time we saw you. Because your house looks like shit. Because you, you bought smoke. What the fuck?"

"I got fucking kicked out." he said, dropping his eyes, and we all knew what he meant.

"Fuck them." Pierce replied quickly. "I always hated that fucking place. When I stayed all night with you and we went there, they were all dicks."

"That was because you bet them all that the word 'snake' wasn't in the bible." Billy laughed.

"It's not! It says 'serpent'." Pierce had taken a half-assed joint that Bill had obviously failed rolling and threw the paper down, grabbed them and actually rolled a real one.

"Same damn thing," Billy sighed, "Guys- I am so fucked up. I... it's been such a huge part of my life- my entire life; especially for mom since dad died... She's so tore up over this- these people have been my friends since I was born. How could they just kick me out? How could they just take her word over mine?"

"You've been crying." I reached across Pierce and put my hand on his face- felt his swollen eyes.

"No." he said simply, grabbed me by the wrist and shoved me back.

"Goddamn it, don't be a dick!" Pierce stared at him, "Everybody fucking knows. Everyone knew before you did."

Billy stared at him, in silence. Pierce lit the joint and passed it to me. I hadn't smoked in three days. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath- opened them-

"It's burning." Pierce reminded me.

I took a fucking hit- three days, and I took a hit. I passed it to Bill. The boy's never even smoked a cigarette. He inhaled, then coughed it all up. Pierce and I laughed at him. Pierce shuffled to the back of the futon (which was in bed form) so that I could crawl closer to Bill, took it back and took a hit. Now we were sitting in a triangle; which, I've noticed, is one of the few shapes that pot-heads defaultly sit in.

"So, is that why you've been avoiding us?" I worked up the courage to ask.

"I haven't been avoiding anyone," He replied, and picked up a piece of a disk that was, at one time, Fable 2. "I don't wanna deal with shit."

So we sat there, from around 10am to after 11, smoking and talking. I taught him to hold a hit- which was hilarious, and we went through prob a $60 in one sitting. We cleaned up his house, and I learned a LOT of shit about Jehova's Witnesses.

1:Only so many people can get into Heaven. The rest go to a "New Earth". It's supposed to be like this Earth, but better- so I'm guessing it's like Ocarina of Time Master Quest without the cow heads inside Jabu Jabu.

2: They can't get blood transfusions.

3: They don't have birthday parties.

4: They don't have hell.

And a bunch of other shit; but that was the stuff I thought was weird. Watching Bill smoke scared the absolute shit out of me- the idea seemed to go against everything he stood for; I know it's not dangerous and it's not really a drug, but it was weird to watch. So after we cleaned up the house, Pierce went to leave. I followed him, and he pushed me back.

I was like, "Um... your my ride."

He replied, "We don't leave him alone. He's fucked up. You're his boyfriend. You stay with him."

"I'm not his boyfriend."

Pierce rolled his eyes at me.

"I'm not."

"You know what one of the benefits of being the biggest guy in the group is?" Pierce asked.

"Why the fuck?" I asked in response to a rhetorical question, "Would I know that?" (I'm probably the smallest among our group of friends).

He laughed, "I say you're staying here- you're staying here. Because if you don't, and something happens to him" he leaned in until our faces were almost touching, "I will break you in half, Vincent."

And just like that, I lost my buzz.

So I stayed with him. We didn't sleep together, but we slept together- on his futon, because the bed was still covered in broken toys that we need to fix. He has a He-Man collection. Because he's not gay.

He slept with his arms around me; but we didn't get to sleep until about 3:00am- we stayed up talking. About different shit- our lives, his church (which I've decided is really fucked-up); the fact that he's finally accepted that pot isn't a drug, but he's not gonna buy more, still not gonna drink or do anything else, and is now deathly afraid that he's gonna get tested at work. Never said that he loved me- never called me his "girlfriend" or "boyfriend" and neither of us mentioned the fight. I started to a couple of times, but I didn't want to awkward up the night.

We got up about an hour later and went to Waffle House- neither of us really, "awake", then he went to work. I went home and went to bed. He sent me a text around 4:00, just one word.

"Thanks"

I sent back " ;) "
 
well, you are a vivid writer.
And it's all grist for the mill, right?

And yeah, JW's are so fucked in the brains you have no idea. Honestly, it takes a trained professional years to unfuck a JW.
 
Stella_Omega said:
well, you are a vivid writer.
And it's all grist for the mill, right?

And yeah, JW's are so fucked in the brains you have no idea. Honestly, it takes a trained professional years to unfuck a JW.
Click to expand...


I personally think he should run this story past an editor before submitting it to Laurel. ;)
 
Stella_Omega said:
well, you are a vivid writer.
And it's all grist for the mill, right?

And yeah, JW's are so fucked in the brains you have no idea. Honestly, it takes a trained professional years to unfuck a JW.
Click to expand...

If they can't get into Heaven or Hell, why worry about it?

He says that instead of Hell, they have nonexistence- which is weird, because that seems good to me. You don't have to worry about anything. We had a really long conversation about this; about how I like the situation that his religion has taught him is the ultimate punishment. There are a lot of spiritual practices where your soul is kinda, vapors on the wind. I don't see why that's so bad.

Apparently, Lucipher's not in their bible that much; he's not a key player in Revelations. And their "lake of fire" is actually here- so Luci's gonna be confined to Earth with the rest of the sinners. I can only assume that he's gonna have a kick-ass metal band.

I asked him how he knew that that hadn't already happened. Which I felt was a valid question. It's not like he'd have to go around screaming that he's the devil or anything; he could totally just be some rich guy. And that would explain why Christians were so scared of everybody- they missed the rapture. I meant it as a joke, but it put him deep in thought.

And, I'm anemic. Not getting a blood transfusion is just plain stupid. Any god that tells you to lay there and die can fuck right off, as far as I'm concerned.

And this guy really did never have a birthday party until he came to college- and he still doesn't buy birthday or Christmas presents; that's why he took me out for my birthday instead of buying me something. That made me really sad. Being a little kid and not getting a birthday party.
 
Stella_Omega said:
well, you are a vivid writer.
And it's all grist for the mill, right?

And yeah, JW's are so fucked in the brains you have no idea. Honestly, it takes a trained professional years to unfuck a JW.[/QUOT Very true, Stella on JW's. Best thing to be away from them
Click to expand...
 
Safe_Bet said:
I personally think he should run this story past an editor before submitting it to Laurel. ;)
Click to expand...

Who's Laurel?

But yeah, I think I will write down everything- from beginning to end, and put a couple spins on it, and submit it: I've actually been thinking about that. The whole religious thing makes it pretty fucked up.

It's weird that the most effective pick-up line ever used on me was, "So, do you have a few minutes to learn about Jesus Christ, our lord and savior?"

I think it would make for a good story. Or a good comedy routine. One or the other.
 
I think it would make for a good story. Or a good comedy routine. One or the other.
Click to expand...

V..I think I told you way back in the beginning that this was comedy gold!

That said, please take care of yourself. Remember, in all of this...YOU are most important.
 
HottieMama said:
V..I think I told you way back in the beginning that this was comedy gold!

That said, please take care of yourself. Remember, in all of this...YOU are most important.
Click to expand...

I think I'm doing way better. All I've done is smoked a little grass- with Bill, because it was his first time and he was really fucked up.

No cigarettes- which are worse for you. No hard drugs. Bottle of bourbon in the fridge that I haven't touched.

Also been eating more- I've decided to make eating a priority; I really hope I don't get fat. :(

Just woke up; slept all fucking day- it's my day off tonight. :D

Called Billy; he and Pierce hung out when he got off work, but he's going to sleep. He thanked us both for helping him clean his house; and thanked me for staying with him. He wants me to stay with him more. I think I'm going to. Going to go slow. It's just hard where we work different schedules.

Also wanted to tell you that I like your new avatar!
 
candicame said:
Whow, this looks really good! Did you draw this? Reminds me of "Wet Moon".
Click to expand...
Oh, hell no! i can write-- i can't draw. This is some of the best drawing /writing combo I know of on the internet.
http://templaraz.com/?p=1688

also check out http://letterstoawildboar.com a friend of mine used to do-- stopped, sadly. A whole different style, but funny and smart.

can you cartoon? I want you to put your writing skills to some use. Start a web comic.
 
Last edited:
Stella_Omega said:
Oh, hell no! i can write-- i can't draw. This is some of the best drawing /writing combo I know of on the internet.
http://templaraz.com/?p=1688

also check out http://letterstoawildboar.com a friend of mine used to do-- stopped, sadly. A whole different style, but funny and smart.

can you cartoon? I want you to put your writing skills to some use. Start a web comic.
Click to expand...

I've actually thought about it for a while... Thinking of making a webcomic about Xaxac, actually. I think there might be a market for it; the whole bishoen, yaoi thing.

My art style for cartoons:

http://fc08.deviantart.net/fs28/i/2008/052/b/3/Morning_Star_by_takocos.jpghttp://fc03.deviantart.net/fs50/f/2009/322/4/3/Jessie___James_by_takocos.jpghttp://fc04.deviantart.net/fs27/i/2008/182/1/c/Link_and_Xandir_by_takocos.jpg
 
candicame said:
Who's Laurel?

But yeah, I think I will write down everything- from beginning to end, and put a couple spins on it, and submit it: I've actually been thinking about that. The whole religious thing makes it pretty fucked up.

It's weird that the most effective pick-up line ever used on me was, "So, do you have a few minutes to learn about Jesus Christ, our lord and savior?"

I think it would make for a good story. Or a good comedy routine. One or the other.
Click to expand...

JW's are not Christians very far from it. JW's are a Occult
 
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