So I'm entirely new to this forum and BDSM in general..

[Jam7315]

I've been browsing the actual story section for years, however I never ventured into the forums. Recently I got a girlfriend who has a very large sexual appetite and who shares alot of the same kinks (I guess you would call it that..)

One of those is the BDSM thing (Yes, I realise I'm probably not being the most eloquent, however I'm VERY new to the idea of even talking about it).

We both like being subbed however I'm alot more comfortable being the dom than she is and she doesn't feel as confident domming (Is this even the correct wording by the way? :x)

In any case, being new I have a ton of questions I hope I can get some help with.

Anyway, onto my questions:

With waxplay, is there a website where I can buy low melting point candles? I've been reading up tips on it, however I haven't found a shop that sells them. I want to make sure I don't hurt her and as candles don't usually have an ingredients list on them, I want to make sure I can get 100% paraffin candles with a wick that won't burn her if for whatever reason it falls off.

Another of her fetishes/kinks/whatever is being choked, but not so much it's to the point where she can't breathe, just a bit of pressure around the throat (her idea to try it in the first place). Are there any toys that can give that sensation without being too risky?

And for my last question, can anyone give me general tips on dominating my girl?

 

[DesEsseintes]

Hi there Jam: welcome to what I hope will be at least an exciting new direction for your love life and - who knows - maybe even a whole new lifestyle.

With regard to the specific questions: wax play isn't dangerous if done reasonably sensibly. If you buy ordinary candles and just tilt them slightly, you will get a manageable drop of wax - it will hurt a tiny bit, which is the whole point, but no more than that. The wick won't come out unless you are burning it dangerously low, and you shouldn't let it get to that point anyway!

On choking - it would kill two birds with one stone to buy her an adjustable collar. There are literally thousands of variants, from elegant jewelled varieties to full on leather and spikes! You could set it to a level that's mildly uncomfortable and see how it works, and adjust from there.

In general advice terms: just remember it's about informed consent (and there's a very good website of that name which might be worth looking into, or was a few years ago). Talk about everything in advance - be completely honest with each other (always important in relationships, of course, but perhaps even more so when you are exploring less common areas). If something turns you on, say so, and vice versa.

 

[Jam7315]

Hi there Jam: welcome to what I hope will be at least an exciting new direction for your love life and - who knows - maybe even a whole new lifestyle.

With regard to the specific questions: wax play isn't dangerous if done reasonably sensibly. If you buy ordinary candles and just tilt them slightly, you will get a manageable drop of wax - it will hurt a tiny bit, which is the whole point, but no more than that. The wick won't come out unless you are burning it dangerously low, and you shouldn't let it get to that point anyway!

On choking - it would kill two birds with one stone to buy her an adjustable collar. There are literally thousands of variants, from elegant jewelled varieties to full on leather and spikes! You could set it to a level that's mildly uncomfortable and see how it works, and adjust from there.

In general advice terms: just remember it's about informed consent (and there's a very good website of that name which might be worth looking into, or was a few years ago). Talk about everything in advance - be completely honest with each other (always important in relationships, of course, but perhaps even more so when you are exploring less common areas). If something turns you on, say so, and vice versa.

Thanks All of this is very very helpful and yes, our relationship is based around discussion, trust and mutual respect and I would never do anything to her that I wouldn't do to myself. In fact, when I was reading up about waxplay I read to test it on your arm first, so if anyone's going to get hurt badly by the wax, it'll be me first.

I'll have a look at an adjustable collar and thank you again

 

[bhndblueyes88]

I've been browsing the actual story section for years, however I never ventured into the forums. Recently I got a girlfriend who has a very large sexual appetite and who shares alot of the same kinks (I guess you would call it that..)

One of those is the BDSM thing (Yes, I realise I'm probably not being the most eloquent, however I'm VERY new to the idea of even talking about it).

We both like being subbed however I'm alot more comfortable being the dom than she is and she doesn't feel as confident domming (Is this even the correct wording by the way? :x)

In any case, being new I have a ton of questions I hope I can get some help with.

Anyway, onto my questions:

With waxplay, is there a website where I can buy low melting point candles? I've been reading up tips on it, however I haven't found a shop that sells them. I want to make sure I don't hurt her and as candles don't usually have an ingredients list on them, I want to make sure I can get 100% paraffin candles with a wick that won't burn her if for whatever reason it falls off.

Another of her fetishes/kinks/whatever is being choked, but not so much it's to the point where she can't breathe, just a bit of pressure around the throat (her idea to try it in the first place). Are there any toys that can give that sensation without being too risky?

And for my last question, can anyone give me general tips on dominating my girl?

Can't do much for you on the last bit (no experience dominating). For safe candles, I don't have any links for you, but you can probably just google-shop for 100% paraffin wax candles (or any type you wish, likely). Maybe try "skin safe" or "massage" as key words as well? I'm willing to bet the craft-wax for things like wax hands (that you dip people's hands to make forms) is pretty safe as well. Of course, you could probably try a fetish shop as well (but still check the safety/ingredients!!).

The collar idea mentioned above was what I thought of in regards to neck pressure with a toy. I'd DEFINITELY make sure it's a collar you can remove/cut quickly (always have safety scissors or similar safe-cutting device) in the case of it getting cinched too tight too long. If it's just gentle pressure you're going for, won't likely be a problem, but still best to at least consider such things!!

As a general advice, go find a post by Stella_Omega and read the links in the sig!! S_O will likely be around to direct you that way anyway But really, read everything you can, which it sounds like you're doing! YAY!

 

[ecstaticsub]

Welcome!! I would recommend checking out our BDSM Library sticky up near the top ^^^^. It has links to discussions about wax play and choking.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

.... links to discussions about ... choking.

aka breath play or control

 

[IrisAlthea]

Cheap white votiv candles, the kind in a little glass jar, often melt at a very low temperature. Or you could use massage candles as a start but they tend to be either expensive or smell of cheap perfume.
Try out different hights to pour from on yourself but be be aware that pain treshold varies from person to person and from time to time. That means you start carefully and step up your game as necessary.
Keep a bucket of cool water and towels ready, in case you need it and ice is always fun as a contrast.

Have an old sheet underneath when you play with candles or cleanup is going to be a bitch.

 

[Stella_Omega]

hey there
In my sig there's a link to an essay, which will answer your question about whether or not "domming" is the right word for what you're doing and give you the somewhat more right word

Are you looking for other activities for your play? Because OMG there are so many! If so, which way are you looking-- more towards pain, pleasure, or humiliation?

 

[Endless_Night]

< On choking - it would kill two birds with one stone to buy her an adjustable collar. There are literally thousands of variants, from elegant jewelled varieties to full on leather and spikes! You could set it to a level that's mildly uncomfortable and see how it works, and adjust from there. >

Awesome suggestion! I've been wondering how to approach this with my SO (he's very reluctant to take a chance on damaging me). This, he just might go for.

 

[DVS]

I Googled "BDSM play safe candles" and found the below links.

http://www.bdsmwaxplay.com/erotic_waxing.htm

http://waxplaycandle.com/index.php?main_page=page&id=1&chapter=1

 

[Bramblethorn]

With regard to the specific questions: wax play isn't dangerous if done reasonably sensibly. If you buy ordinary candles and just tilt them slightly, you will get a manageable drop of wax - it will hurt a tiny bit, which is the whole point, but no more than that. The wick won't come out unless you are burning it dangerously low, and you shouldn't let it get to that point anyway!

Also, and I probably don't need to say this but better safe than sorry: don't set the bedroom on fire

 

[CutieMouse]

The safest way to start with breath play, is to simply tell her to hold her breath. From there, you can work on having her hold her breath until given permission to breathe (add a few seconds).

The next stage would be a hand over her mouth (breathing thorough her nose); then a [light] hand over nose and mouth. Then a firmly placed hand over nose and mouth. From there you could pinch her nose shut while she's giving you oral, etc. Or limit her breathing (holding her breath, hand over the face, etc), with a very *light* hand on her neck. There are plenty of ways to engage in breath play that are less dangerous than flat out choking.

* disclaimer - breath play really isn't the safest, or smartest thing on the planet to do; please respect the inherent risk in what you're doing.

 

[Stella_Omega]

If my impression is right, she just wants the sensation of something around her neck-- NOT breathplay as such?

I like that sensation too-- I like wearing a collar for that. I have a lot very heavy choker-length necklaces when I want to be covert about it, also bow ties.

 

[IrisAlthea]

If my impression is right, she just wants the sensation of something around her neck-- NOT breathplay as such?

I like that sensation too-- I like wearing a collar for that. I have a lot very heavy choker-length necklaces when I want to be covert about it, also bow ties.

Now I'll never look at people wearing a bow tie or a choker necklace the same way again.

 

[bhndblueyes88]

Now I'll never look at people wearing a bow tie or a choker necklace the same way again.

me neither xD I never really looked at a bow-tie that way,but it makes total sense. Any tie does, really...

 

[KlaytonFrost]

Lovehoney sell some decent low-temp candles. They're only really good if you're in the UK though...

 

[Lrn_The_Ropes]

Lovehoney sell some decent low-temp candles. They're only really good if you're in the UK though...

For wax play, I use a paraffin wax treatment setup, like the ones you find around the Holidays to give to Mom to soak her hands and feet in. You don't get the cool colors, but you do get a lot of wax. I use a basting brush, or small ladle to place it where I want it. My kitten found some of the commercial wax play candles hurt a bit to much for her to enjoy the experience. You may want to keep some ice cubes close by, the sensations between the hot and cold can be very exciting for both players.

 

[newsubandtop]

General tips, that’s a hard one lol I understand cause I also look for "general ways of doing things" when I'm lost

IMO, a general rule would be: You must know her well because everyone is different.

Now, here is what I like (and I hope not to bore you cause they are “classics”): hair pulling, spanking, being restrained, discipline measures such as carrying out a task in a certain way… As you see I crave control, which I believe is a pretty common desire among subs ?? dunno

Anyway, they are just a couple of ideas, I hope they helped.